Thursday, January 31, 2013

SAG Awards 2013: The Bad!

My dear readers, you may want to open another tab on your browser before we get into this. Maybe some kittens or pictures of Ryan Gosling or something - think of it as a visual sorbet to cleanse your eyes after seeing some of this stuff because BOY HOWDY are there some rough looks ahead. We're gonna start with a bit of a've been warned.


Anne Hathaway!
What even?! I am SO sick of short dresses under sheer long dresses. It's ugly, it's deceitful, and it must end. ESPECIALLY if the long dress doesn't even have the decency to be properly long. EW.

Angela Kinsey!
Even worse: long lace dresses over short skirts to give the illusion of boob nudity. Nudiboob. Boobity. Ugh. I can't stand it.

Jenna Elfman!
And to complete the trifecta of UGH - long dresses over granny panties. Long dresses that are far too long and completely unflattering over granny panties. Jenna! Do not make me regret your sudden resurgence of relevancy!

Lea Michele!
You guys, straight up, Lea Michele is wearing a skirted table cloth. At least the whole thing is opaque, though, right?

Sophia Vergara!
Shiny, tacky, and ill-fitting. But the worst of it is this confusing neck line. Is it two dresses glued together like Pretty in Pink? Is the middle strap there for modesty? What purpose exactly does the arm strap serve? My head hurts now.

Naya Rivera!
My best guess is that the dress split down the front as she exited the limo and she decided to just go with it. Either that or Naya decided that the SAG Awards was the perfect time to premiere her new burlesque act: Quoth The Raven "Boobs Galore!"

Busy Philipps!
Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.

Ariel Winter!
Young Ariel used to be one of my favorites but she's seriously been slipping. This dress is just absolutely washing her out. It feels awfully young for her and, on top of that, the sleeves are really distracting.

Sigourney Weaver!
WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. HERE!? I am not exaggerating when I say this is one of the worst formal looks I have ever seen in my life - and that takes into account people I see on the street in Philadelphia. It looks like it was made with poorly measured bedsheets and a staple gun. I actually feel ill.

Julianne Moore!
Seriously!? Julianne. Jules. SERIOUSLY!? It doesn't fit! AT ALL. It's a tough white for you to pull off! It's all wrong! NOOoooooooooooooooooooooo.

Kaley Cuoco!
Okay, this dress is pretty, but the length of it with that hair and those shoes.... well, it reminds me heavily of the doll torsos my grandmother used to put on spare rolls of toilet paper to "hide" them. I tried to help you before, Kaley. But you didn't want my help. So I have no choice but to...
...put you on probation. I'm sorry, lady, but I won't be able to include you in my red carpet rundowns until you get your act together. Emmys aren't until September. Use your time wisely.

Jane Lynch!
I think we all just learned a LOT about Jane Lynch's sex life.

Rose Byrne!
OH MY GOD. You guys! Am  I crazy, or is this dress the Laura Ashley-style conservative version of what The Sev wore to the 2010 Golden Globes:
Wait a minute... what the --


Someone bring me my smelling salts.

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