Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Golden Globes 2013: The Meh!

Welcome back, fashion fans! It's the dreary, dreaded MEH today... where we look at the stars and say, "Why are you all wearing beige!?" You know what? Let's get all the neutrals out of the way first.

The Meh

Hayden Panattiere!
Girlfriend gets the top slot because she is SO CLOSE. But this is what the Go Fug Yourself girls would call a "scrolldown fug." Pretty hair, nice makeup, a strapless dress WITH A NECKLACE, and then you get to the fishtail and it's all sorts of a mess. Also, I'm going to need the Cheerleader to not be so proud of that hideous bag. Close but no cigar, Hayden.

Megan Fox!
Why so glum? Is it that you no longer look like yourself? Or is it just that you're wearing a nightgown retrofitted into a strapless dress? Cheer up, it could be worse: you could actually be culturally relevant and people would care what you wear.

Amy Adams!
Shelby came to her in a dream and said, "Blush. Or bashful. But probably blush." Oh, Amy. This could have been lovely in a different color and ... well, and if it actually fit you. The squirrel tail on the side of her head isn't helping matters.

Isla Fisher!
I've always found oyster to be a difficult color for redheads. I like the beading but the illusion netting is doing her no favors, especially since it's a skosh too long.

Carla Gugino!
If this dress could give a monologue, it would say, "I am well fitted but too long! I want you to think that maybe you'll see the left boob through the sheer fabric - but not the right boob! Also please pay attention to my ladybits!" I feel like maybe this dress is intended for someone taller?

Connie Britton!
Excellent attempt! This is not a good color and it does not fit well at all. Connie, please, I beg you: royal purple.

Emily Blunt (seen here with John Krasinski)!
A) I hate her hair this color. B) I hate her wearing this color. C) Friends don't let friends wear dresses with lovehandle cutouts.

Jodie Foster!
First of all, let's take a moment to applaud the woman in the background wearing sandals and an enormous cape. Well done, lady! Now onto Jodie. Everything about this is just a touch too severe. The hair is severe, the beaded straps and gown are too severe, the bag is too severe. I love the color-  girlfriend looks fabulous in navy and knows it. But really, I need to address something else. Jodie. Friend, darling. You don't admit to being terribly lonely! You just cry yourself to sleep at night like the rest of the planet. Get it together!

Lena Dunham!
I can HEAR YOU yelling at your computer. Give me a chance to explain! First of all, I love her hair this length and I think her makeup looked awesome.I love the color of the dress and the bottom. But. The top is just a mess. It's far too wide for her frame and it's just completely over-constructed. BUT LET US PLEASE REMEMBER that I grade on a curve and this is far, far better than she has done in recent memory.

Jessica Westfeldt (seen here with Jon Hamm because that should always happen)!
The construction on this dress makes her look like she came in four pieces and Jon Hamm assembled her before leaving the house. The lower half is lovely, the torso seems constricted, the chest is wide, and the head is a little big for her body. Hamm's suit is fitted gorgeously, but I prefer him with a beard so I take points off for being clean shaven.

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler! 
He looks sloppy. Now, when The Cloon looks sloppy he still looks better than 90% of the population, but look at the hem on those pants, the fit in the waist, the unbuttoned jacket on the red carpet - FOR SHAME. And we can all agree that it is shocking to still see Stacy on his arm, right? I thought she'd be sent away to the Beard Farm by now. The dress is very pretty, if a little boring and ill-fitting. It's far too tight in the top. I haaaaaaate the styling on this. The hair is a disaster, her makeup underdone, not enough jewelry, and an ugly bag. My dear readers, sometimes the styling can ruin the look.

Megan Hilty!
The color looks great on her, but the dress is boring and standard. Her makeup looks like she gave up halfway through and do not get me started on her hair. Boring!

Sophia Vergara!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Tell me something I don't know, Vergara.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
I am pretty sure that somewhere in an attic there is a portrait of Julia Louis-Dreyfus that gets a little bit older each day. Also, I really like this dress but wish it wasn't brown. I also wish she was wearing a necklace and didn't go with the middle part for her hair.

Allison Williams!
Her makeup is FANTASTIC. And I think the shape of the dress is good for her but it's the wrong fabric - it's too heavy, so it makes it look like shoddy construction. Girl, you are so close.

Emily Deschanel!
Speaking of "so close"... If the shoulders were a little bit less Formal Toreador and the hair was a little less I Came Straight From the Gym Can You Tell, this would have been in The Good.

Taylor Swift!
The dress is really pretty and I like this purple-y/brown on her, but the shape seems heavy and wrong. But! Taylor! Please keep doing things like this and do not go back to virginal princess dress up day! This is better! (PS, I hate that green dress in the background. Love handle cutouts and it doesn't even fit well. Ew.)

Kristen Wiig!
Let me be clear: I am jealous that she has a body that enables her to consider wearing dresses with the belly cut out. Let me be further clear: Just because one can does not mean one should wear said dresses. Her hair is kind of a disaster. However! This is improvement and I want to encourage her to keep going in an elegant direction. But... is that the same bag Megan Fox was carrying? Do not go in the Megan Fox direction, Kristen! You are better than that!

Julie Bowen!
Here's what works: the color, her hair, the jewelry. We shall speak no more on this.

Juliana Margulies!
Cool dress. I kind of wish Taylor Swift had worn it. As for what is going on with her head, maybe she was at the gym with Emily Deschanel?

Julianne Moore!

We grade on a curve here, right? Okay, so taking into account the Fuschia Sleeve of Doom, she looks pretty great. But objectively, this is dress is pretty whack. It cuts her right in half, making her look short, and the  capelet  in the back is just plain old confusing. Let's not even address the shoes. Her makeup is gorgeous and facing front her hair looks great. A solid Meh!

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