Wednesday, January 30, 2013

SAG Awards 2013: The Meh!

Lots and lots of "almost there" today, my dear readers. Let's see what we've got, shall we?


Julie Bowen!
Let's nip this right in the bud. Yes, it's a leather dress. Sigh. Once again I am forced to state that I have never ever seen anyone wear a leather dress well on the red carpet. But! If this dress wasn't leather, I think Miss Julie would be gracing The Good pile for the first time. I hope to see her in the silhouette again sometime. It's quite lovely.

Jessica Pare!
It must be hard for the Mad Men chicks because they look so great in the vintage wear that it's hard to step into normal life with any sort of 60s inspired hair or makeup and not come off looking "meh." In addition, the dress does almost nothing for her figure. It's pretty, but it's not for her. (Dig the pink coat with giant belt in the background, though!)

Jennifer Lawrence!
Let me be clear: I came SO close to including this with The Good yesterday. It's a pretty color, she's wearing a necklace, the makeup is good... but then I kept looking at it and I just couldn't do it. It looks like she tried a really sweet mini-dress on while wearing a longer gown. And the hair is an afterthought. Oh, Jennifer! I have really high hopes for you! My eyes will be on you for the Oscars, young miss.

Edie Falco!
The dress is a little matronly, but not bad. The hair is okay. The makeup is non-existent. But what really chafes my thighs is the matching cuffs. Did they come with a Lasso of Truth?

Sally Field!
Sally Field is a petite woman with an average-to-short length torso. While a nip in at the waist is a boon to petite women with average-to-short length torsos, a lot of crap glued on to a dress at the midsection widens one's appearance. The color is fantastic, though, and her hair is to be envied.

Katrina Bowden!
Here's what I would do: ditch the sheer fabric up top, lose that insufferable tulle at the bottom, continue the dress to the floor. Now you're perfect.

Jennifer Garner!
What a beautiful dress! Too bad it doesn't fit at all. Jen, you're wasting great hair on an outfit that makes people immediately stare at your crotch.

Sarah Hyland!
Oompa loompa Bratz doll in brothel drapes. Great cut and makeup, though.

Kerry Washington!
You guys, I really want to like this. Like a lot. But I just can't. Between the lace and the unflattering top half, it's kind of hurting me. Much better on the hair, though, Kerry.

Ellie Kemper!
Truth: Ellie Kemper is absolutely adorable. Truth: This dress is doing absolutely nothing for her. Well, that's not entirely true; this dress is washing her out and tricking my eyes into thinking she's growing algae on her bosom. It is doing that for her.

Jayma Mays!
Why did Jayma Mays decide to wear the first draft of Anne Hathaway's Golden Globes dress? Also, girl, you are wee - do not wear drop waist dresses.

Jessica Westfeldt (seen here with Jon Hamm because OBVS)!
You guys, I think Hamm is getting better at assembling Jessica Westfeldt. This time the head goes with the torso - it's just the torso doesn't go with the lower half. (PS, confidential to Jon Hamm: hem your pants and grow your beard out and maybe THEN I'll consider returning your call.)

Julia Stiles!
A) Julia Stiles still exists. B) That neckline if far too wide for her frame. C) She is wearing news anchor hair.

Nicole Kidman!
That's.... a lot of dress. And! That's the lady with the pink jacket in the background again! Yay! I love her!

Jessica Lange!
I'm so confused. Is this a puzzle? Is it one of those things where if you pull one part of her dress she'll spin around like Shakespeare in Love until she's naked? PS, where the hell is Gwyneth? I haven't see her in ages! The one thing I will say about Jessica Lange is that I love her hair. Though she'd probably demand to know why I'm looking at her hair.

Jane Krakowski!
Great dress! Too bad it's the wrong color and doesn't fit up top.

Jenna Fisher!
Our Jenna has never been adept at dressing herself for the red carpet, but this is better than past looks. However. It looks like she's doing a bad impression of Rita Wilson*.

*Note: I love Rita Wilson. Luhv huh. But we already have one of those.

Amanda Seyfried!
Really, really close. I love this dress. Love it. It's absolutely lovely. But let's talk about styling. What is happening with her face? That makeup is ALL WRONG and REALLY SCARY. Also, this is not the necklace this dress wants. It's too much, too long. And would it kill you to wear a cocktail ring!? Or maybe borrow one of Edie Falco's ridiculous bracelets? So close, Seyfried. So close.

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