Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Golden Globes 2013: The Bad!

Are you ready? I sure am. Let's do this.

The Bad

Marion Cotillard!
There is no sense of occasion to this at all. There is only dayjob hair, an orange sheet, and mismatched shoes. Get it together, Pilaf*!

*for those of you just joining us here at Way Too Shay, one of my favorite moments of all red carpets was when Ryan Seacrest congratulated Mme. Cotillard on her Oscar nomination for La Vie En Rose playing Edith Pilaf. I am not kidding.

Zosia Mamet!
The phrase, "What is this I don't even" was invented for this look. Amish hair, undermade face, and does that dress have leather paneling? Really? It's a damn shame because the shape of the dress is pretty great on her, but the whole thing together just makes her look like her mother made her do the school play and she hates her for it.

La Klum!
Only one side of Heidi Klum's body is modest. The other side is GOING TO VEGAS!

Kristen Bell!
Kristen Bell had the opportunity to be the most adorable pregnant starlet ever to hit the red carpet. Instead she passed Go, did not collect $200, and went straight to Miss Havisham. I can't look at this dress anymore; it makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough!
GAH! His tux is FAR too tight (also I hate hate hate a grey tux) and her... okay, let's start at the beginning. Darling, you're not supposed to wear ballroom makeup into the outside world. It's too scary. And while I like the top of this dress, the bottom reminds me heavily of that scene in the original Freaky Friday where the washing machine overflows and there are suds everywhere.

UPDATE: Reader Katya just told me this. Oh dear god.

Sarah Paulson!
Hey Sarah, why the long... my god, why the long EVERYTHING!?

Amanda Seyfried!
Boring, bland, unflattering curtains are never the way to go on the red carpet. Also, Amanda, I saw Les Miz last weekend; I wouldn't look so smug.

Halle Berry!
I sincerely never ever thought I would say this but Halle Berry looks tacky as hell. The 1993 hairdo, the "hold my earrings" hoops, the tarzan top plus high slit PLUS hip cutout... it's just depressing. Halle, you are one of the most beautiful women this world has ever seen. You don't have to try to look hot. So please stop trying. You're ruining it.

Glenn Close!
Not the right silhouette for her at all! What is the deal (I'm Jerry Seinfeld right now) with making mermaid gowns out of heavy fabrics this year? And a bolero jacket? And fried hair? Oh Glenn. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.

Jessica Alba!
When I get dressed up, I usually leave my Elmo toys at home. Whatever floats your boat, Princess Peach. Love the necklace, though.

Sarah Hyland!
Nooooooooooo. This dress is far to mature for her. The hair looks like something out of a shampoo commercial and the boobage is making itself known. You look like a Bratz doll. Go home and change, young lady.

Jessica Chastain!
Don't you hate it when the designers on Project Runway run out of time and have to send unfinished dresses onto the runway? Yeesh, girl. You have never been a red carpet favorite of mine, but I thought we were doing better. This is a huge backslide.

Eva Longoria!
This dress - if, indeed, we can call it a dress- makes her look even shorter than she is. I also don't understand the Italian widow hair. But, you know, thank god this has long sleeves. Otherwise it would be really slutty.

Helen Hunt!
I love that Helen Hunt is back in our lives. I just wish everything was different about this. The dress looks like an inexpertly trimmed flocked Christmas tree, the hair looks like she just got back from coffee with her bestie, and I cannot detect a trace of makeup. Oh Helen. Is good as it gets? (NAILED IT.)

Kathryn Bigelow!
Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.

Kaley Cuoco!
Shhh, shh, everything's going to be okay, Kaley. Just tell us who did this to you. Come on, you can tell us. Tell us so we can get them for this.

Anne Hathaway!
 Well her head looks perfect. I looooooove her hair this way and her makeup is a dream. But this dress. UGH. It's shapeless, unflattering, and under-accessorized. This filled me with such rage, you guys! I hope that she's doing this so that when she busts out the capital-g Gown for the Oscars (which she will definitely win because wow) we are all surprised and it's an instant "Best Dressed" on Fashion Police. Or maybe she thinks this looks good and I'm going to have to chug Maalox during the Oscars.

Kate Hudson!
I love McQueen on the runway but I happen to not love McQueen on the red carpet. There. I said it. There is far too much happening around her head and all of it is gold. It's overwhelming.

Rosario Dawson!
Oh dear god. This is an egregious error. The color is lovely on her, absolutely. But the cutout cap sleeves? The hip ruffles? The column skirt? It's all a disaster. Mostly, though, I wonder what her breasts ever did to wind up in jail like this. Let your ladies go, Rosario! They mean no harm! You are suffocating them!

Katharine McPhee!
Nothing quite says "pay attention to me" like a slutty bathrobe, huh? Also, can we talk about the shoes? What, pray tell, is the purpose of the invisible strap across the toes? Is it a fake out? Like, "How can she walk in those shoes!? She will fall! Oh no wait, invisible strap." Or is it something so fashion forward I can't even imagine it? Probably the latter.

Kerry Washington!
I can think of nothing kind to say about this. No, that's not true! I could say that at least this wasn't the worst sheer dress with applique embellishment of the evening.

Jennifer Lopez!
THIS is the worst sheer dress with applique embellishment of the evening. Possibly of all time. On one hand, she looks like a Sexy Snowflake. On the other hand, this is some classic JLo, right? I kind of love her for being so ridiculous that she constantly shows up in outfits that just make my brain explode. Oh JLo, never change.

Sienna Miller!
And now I give you Sienna Miller in a dress by Ikea Children's Department. She put it together herself! It's a little wonky, but whatever, it'll be fine until she can get a REAL dress.

Debra Messing!
Chicks and geese and ducks better scurry
When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top.

The wheels are yeller', the upholstery's brown
The dashboard's genuine leather
With Debra Messing's dress curtains we can roll right down
In case there's a change in the weather!

DEBRA. What did I tell you able wearing black and dressing like you are part of the Old West? I cannot take this anymore! I will not abide!

From now on, Debra Messing will no longer be featured in red carpet roundups until she has proven that she can wear something that looks good on her.


  1. I approve of the "text over picture" technique to jazz things up. Also, I'd not allow comments on your FB when you post your latest blog post, to have the conversation happen here.

  2. I agree with everyone except Jessica Alba (who I think looks all right) and Kate Hudson (who I think looks stunning). That's a lot of agreement!

    I also feel like we could fix Kelly Cuoco. Different makeup, do something (ANYTHING) with the hair, lose the bow, get a more interesting clutch, and fix the top so it isn't a shit-ton of illusion netting. Then again maybe we can't fix Kelly Cuoco.

  3. Why no Lucy Liu? She looked ridiculous!!

  4. Anne Hathaway looks like a bobble head.

  5. Meg, I am not with you on Marion Cotillard. I think she looks fresh and fun and still put together. It's not an Oscar dress, but at the Golden Globes everybody doesn't need to be in a GOWN. I find it refreshing. Also, her shoes have showed up as a true gold in other photos.

    I am, though, apparently one of the few who is totally with you on Lucy Liu. So it's a wash.