SAG Awards 2014: The Bad!

My dear readers, I am so sorry for the unexpected break. I was super sick and had to spend a few days in bed watching gay movies and then balancing it out with a netflix marathon of Say Yes to the Dress. What I'm saying is, I wasn't quite in my right mind and couldn't deliver the fashion commentary you've come to expect from this silly little hobby of mine.

In the meantime, we still have the SAGs to wrap up and then the Grammys happened last night and we are going to need to talk about Madonna and her hearty endorsement of Quaker Oats. Let's do this, Rockapella!

THE BAD

Katrina Bowden!

 It looks shoddy. Just shoddily made. The gold up top looks like an afterthought and that material is just cheap and unflattering. Ugh. When crappy dresses happen to beautiful people.

Gretchen Mol!

 Let's be real: this is the gown version of a mesh football jersey with nothing under it. The post-workout hair doesn't help, nor does the lack of styling present here. Those shoes make my mind go immediately to either an 8 year old playing dress up or old lady orthopedics. Yikes.

Edie Falco!

 Oh dear god. Edie. Mullet dress, drop waist, hideous shoes, bad styling (yes, even with the necklace), and... is that a butterfly pattern? With a large butterfly placed exactly over her flutterby?! Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Michelle Dockery!

 It's like she's the Hulk and busted out of her cater waiter uniform. Nice shoes, though.

Betsy Brandt!

 She looks like she's been recently pollinated. I hope this spells the death knoll for the bold gold on black trend, but alas, I am pretty sure we're going to see it again in a couple of weeks during the Oscars. People love to wear to metallics to the Oscars, especially if they are favorited to win. Be the statue, get the statue, etc.

Melissa Rauch!

 Actress in a bag. She has a handle in the back for easy transportation.

Claire Danes!

 Loyal readers, how many years have I been moaning about Claire Danes' eye makeup? I mean - her makeup artist should have surely been fired by now, yes? As for the dress, it looks like she was trying on one dress and then took a really cool sequined sheath and held it up in front to see how it would look. I wish she had gone with the sequined sheath alone and left the wispy melting snow in the city chiffon behind.

Malin Ackerman!

 What is this I don't even. On a scale of 1 to Patton, this is an 8. THAT'S RIGHT!

Mayim Bialik!

 Okay, we know by now that Blossom has certain constraints on the types of gowns she wears and we definitely take that into consideration. But, honestly, the grieving widow at the OK Corral routine is really not doing it for me. Seriously, that lace was rejected by Liberace for being too gaudy. Mayim, I love you. Talk to Helen Mirren. She does beautiful sleeves and could likely hook you up.

Emma Thompson!

 Emma Thompson is here to lead your rolfing session. Yes, she's wearing pedicure shoes and an octopus peacock, but she's really good.

Meryl Streep!

 What's even happening here? Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A muumuu made of curtains with some VERY RANDOM VERY LARGE elastic bands at the top and... just below the middle? WHYYYYYYYY MERYL!? WHYYYYY?!

Sarah Paulson!

 YOU GUYS. She looks like the doll on top of the toilet paper roll in Mom-Mom's house, right?! You know what? I'm done with Sarah Paulson. She just always disappoints and so I have no other choice except....

You go sit over there with the others until you make a good showing. Thank you for playing.