Golden Globes 2014 Rundown: The BAD

My dear readers, it is time to really dig in and see how so many of our stars went off the tracks. Get yourself some popcorn and fasten your seatbelt.

THE BAD

Sally Hawkins!

Oh Sally. Oh lord, girl. Hey guys, how old do you think Sally Hawkins is? Surprise: she's 37. Unfortunately, she dressed like she is 84. What are the odds she has butterscotch candies in her purse?

Taylor Schilling!

I guess sometimes you wear a nightgown with belly button waterfall detail to the Golden Globes. I mean, not you. You'd never do that. Alas, Piper did.

Mila Kunis!

I pray to all the powers that be (Anna Wintour) that metallic ombre does not become A Thing. Ugh. It looks like some sort of science project where you can get tin foil to melt in dirty water. Mila! You were doing so well. What happened here?

Elisabeth Moss!

I really want to like this, believe me I do. Alas, it's just not going to happen. This is not her dress in any way. I'm not sure if it is legit too tight or if the pattern makes it appear to be too tight. I am not sure why I have to see her shins. I am not sure why it looks like the grocery store challenge on Project Runway. What I am quite sure about is that this is a prime example of the dress wearing you instead of you wearing the dress. She just can't pull it off. On a lighter note, I would kill for those earrings. So hot.

Greta Gerwig!

On today's Golden Globes, the dress of Helena Bonham Carter will be worn by Greta Gerwig. Poorly.

Sarah Paulson!

Bridesmaid shoes rarely go well with a camisole and a skirt made of freshly shorn sheep's wool. Paulson: you're on notice. One more poor showing and you'll be on Probation.

Jessica Lange!

 You guys, I swear she ordered this out of a Delia's catalogue. The scoop neck, the patterned velvet, the ... is that a TRAIN!? This whole thing just smells like teen spirit.

[SIDEBAR: While investigating the train on this dress I noticed the detail on the heels behind La Lange and I have to say that I find the little studs charming. Not sure about the width of the heels but I like the accent.]

Edie Falco!

Oh girl. Oh no. No no no. You look like a forgotten Christmas present.

Usher!

My mother always told me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."



Hahahahahahaa. Just kidding, my mom is one of the best shit talkers alive. Anyway, I will say that I like Usher's brooch. And his cute face. But mostly his brooch. In other news, why is Usher wearing a brooch?

Aubrey Plaza!

While I appreciate that Aubrey wore a necklace and chose some really cool shoes, the rest of this is awkward and sloppy. I want it to fit better. I want the bottom to be completely different. I want to do something with her hair. I want to make her wear lipstick. But, most of all, I want to forget this ever happened to my darling Aubrey. Even our favorite background player, the girl in blue, has no time for this outfit.

La Klum!

This is a Christine McVie costume. Look, we're all excited that Christine is back with Fleetwood Mac, but there's no need to bring your celebration to the Golden Globes. Also: that thing on your neck is hideous and doesn't deserve to be called a necklace. Seriously, what is going on with La Klum and her neck lately!?

Berenice Bejo!

Gah! Someone left the top of Berenice Bejo's dress in the fridge too long and now it's growing things.

Uma Thurman!

Have you noticed that every red carpet we have ladies who show in gowns that seem to be tributes to figure skating or oil spills? Lucky for us, Uma just rolled both of those into one very tight gown. I mean, far too tight. I know you're Uma Thurman and completely lovely and everything but how in the world can you sit in that thing? I mean, obviously you can because you have the limo marks around you hips, but it cannot be comfortable, right? Additionally, I am already done with this neckline but I think we're going to be seeing a lot of it, unfortunately.

Rashida Jones!

I understand what Rashida was going for here: "whimsical, fun, breezy." Unfortunately, she just ended up looking like an Ocean City motel circa 1965.

Melissa McCarthy!

What a stunning coat! Cannot wait to see the dress!  ... oh. MELISSA MCCARTHY YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. I WILL NOT STOP YELLING UNTIL YOUR STYLIST PROVES THAT HE OR SHE RESPECTS YOU.

Dianne Wiest!

Guys, remember that time Dianne Weist showed up to the Golden Globes dressed as a pillar from Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas? That was fun.

Julie Bowen!

Why do I ever hold out hope for Julie Bowen to get it right? I just make myself crazy with this over and over again. But for me, the red crushed velvet purse just puts it over the limit. That is IT, Julie Bowen. I've given you a million chances. From now on....

You will be taken off probation as soon as you show up in the Good pile. So go sit over there with Kaley Cuoco and think about what you've done. This hurts me more than it hurts you.