Golden Globes 2014 Rundown: The GOOD

My dear readers, something magical happened last night. No, it's not that Tina and Amy wore the opposite colors that they wore last year (tho that was cool), it's that I magically commandeered Facebook and we had a virtual FB Golden Globes party! Oh it was so lovely. This is all to say I'M SORRY if I steal someone's joke. I'll try to give proper credit.

This red carpet was a DOOZY, right? I mean, I'm very pleased that we've seen the end of sheer dresses over granny panties (knock on wood) but it appears that velvet is back in a big, early 90s way. Gird your loins. Speaking of loin girding, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that WE GRADE ON A CURVE for some celebs. So that's that. Let's get down to it, shall we?

THE GOOD

Lupita Nyong'o!

Best dressed of the night. I love everything about this. The color is perfection, the styling is quite perfect (though you know I don't love understated jewelry, this is right on), the fit is a DREAM. I love how fucking regal it is, as if Lupita is all "Bow down." I will, Lupita. I will.

Cate Blanchett!

 This dress. I die. I cannot possibly tell you the fashiongasms that happened on my couch over this dress. She is perfection.

Margot Robbie!

 I don't know who she is or what she wants but she can have it, whatever it is. Gorgeous, simple, elegant, blammo.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

 Girlfriend has one of the best stylists in town. I know this because I've not seen her looking less than stunning in all my awards shows. I love this neckline on her and she even looked radiant while eating a comedy hotdog.

Thor and Wife!

 Okay, so velvet tux jackets are apparently a thing now. I'm not terribly excited about that but this fit is a dream on Thor. Also this is probably the best maternity look I saw all night - classic and beautiful. Rock it out, attractive people having attractive babies.

Kate Beckinsale! 

This could have been fairly standard but the pattern makes all the difference. Thank you for reminding me you exist, Serendipity lady!

Sophia Vergara!

 While it is CLEARLY pandering to the WTS set, that is one hell of a necklace and it is PERFECT for this showstopper Ursula gown. I love that she graduated from mermaid to Ursula. Well done, Sophia.

Lena Dunham!

 Hear me out. We grade on a curve. I love this color on her, against all odds, and I think the cut works for her figure. The bust is faaaaaar too tight on her, but I'll let that slide. Also, I have a soft spot for her hair because that's what mine looks like in "fancy mode." I think she looks better than ever before.

Helen Mirren!

With credit to reader Rosey who supposed McConnaughey to say, "I get older, Helen Mirren stays the same age." Perfection embodied. How could we continue to survive without your red carpet splendor, Helen?

Jared Leto (seen here with brother Shannon)!

 Please ignore Shannon and his egregious piping. Jared Leto looks like a champion. The tux is GORGEOUSLY tailored (if a bit snug, ah rock stars) and he's got the weird shawl going on, which somehow works. Thirtysomething women everywhere sighed when they saw their beloved Jordan Catalano dressed to the nines. [SIDEBAR: Jordan Catalano's bun will make an appearance in another section of the rundown. Be warned.]

Jessica Chastain!

 You guys, Jessica Chastain looks so good it actually makes me angry. Why in the world couldn't she have worn this last year instead of the baby blue saggy boob monstrosity!?!?!? But okay, living in the present... this dress is a dream on her and I am DYING over her ice.

Emma Roberts!

 On one hand, it's basic and standard. On the other hand, it's perfectly executed flawless glamour. Well done, person I have no idea who you are.

Zosia Mamet!

 Yes, girl, yes. This dress. All the time, every day. 

Naomi Watts!

 There is absolutely no reason I should love this as much as I do. But maybe it's the girl in blue in the background who seems to have given up on life the moment she saw Naomi? 

Julianna Margulies!

 Again, grading on a curve. I don't love the bottom really. BUT. This is 800 times better than the sad duvet covers she usually shows up wearing, so I'm all for it. Go girl.

Jimmy Fallon!

Against absolutely all odds, Jimmy Fallon wore the best tailored tux of the night. And I love him for it. But, Jimmy, be a dear and button up on the red carpet.

Amy Adams!

 Somehow I feel that we're going to fight about this but I love this look on her. The plunge, the fancy braided updo, the long necklace, the contrasting reds. All of it: YES.

Laura Dern!

 Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

Julie Delpy!

 Really cool gown, great color for her, looking like herself, and absolutely fits. Julie Delpy, you will always have my heart.

Amy Poehler!

 While I could do without the random stomach notch, this dress looks great on her and she looks gorgeous.

Tina Fey!

 There were some mutinous "Queen of Hearts" rumblings in the peanut gallery but I love it. It looked great on tv and she looks lovely.

Poehler and Fey!

 Like cheese fries and 3 AM, these two are absolutely perfect together. (hate that neckline on Amy but love the color so ok)