Friday, January 28, 2011

Golden Globes 2011: The Bad!

I am so sad that Cher wasn't there. She can always be counted on for illusion netting and a good wig. Oh, but we have some "winners" here. Enjoy the worst of fashion at the 2011 Golden Globes. Let's just jump into the deep end of the pool to start, shall we?

Scarlett Johansson!

GAH! Bride of Frankenstein hair + Miss Havisham's wedding gown + washed out color = Do Not Want. ScarJo, this is not the way to show up to an awards show after a divorce! You should be reminding us how vivacious and delicious you are, not looking like you're about to reminisce about your time back in St. Olaf.

Leighton Meester!

In what alternate universe is "sexy sister wife" a viable fashion choice for the red carpet? Also, Meester: please step away from the blush.

Natalie Portman!

I like the pregnant version of Portman - she's adorable! And she's wearing a fabulous necklace, which endears her to me. I just don't like this dress. Like, at all. I tried to like it when I first saw it but the more I look at it, the cheaper that pink fabric looks, and the more that rose looks like a chest wound. Not to mention the matchy-matchy shoes and bag and the severe french twist. Oh, pregnant Portman. I hope you get it together for the SAGs and Oscars. Call Heidi Klum - she does pregnant red carpet better than anyone.

Speaking of La Klum...

Heidi Klum!

Oh dear God in heaven, what is that? The legs and the shoes are great, but I can't say much else nice. The hair is frazzled, tooooo many bracelets, scary makeup, and that dress looks like a glorified beach cover-up. A glorified beach cover-up with a gigantic bow in a color I can only call burnt sienna. Heidi, no one wanted the burnt sienna crayon. No one.

Emma Stone!

I feel bad for Emma Stone. She's totally awesome and I luh-oved her in Easy A, and I am glad she's booking all sorts of work now but this blonde they made her do to play Gwen Stacy is just not working out for her. In fact, it makes her look pretty much exactly like Lindsay Lohan. And while I enjoy watching what it would be like if Lindsay Lohan wasn't on drugs, I can't wait for Ms. Emma to go back to red. Now, to the dress in question. UGH. It all comes down to color and friends, it's not cute. I like the simplicity of the dress (and I love the bag) but I wonder if it's a little too casual. Emma, learn from this dress...and never dye your hair this color again.

Julie Bowen!

I like her head. That's about it. The stripes, the shredded ruffles, the sad color, the matching bag. It's just a mess.

Jennifer Lawrence!

EW. I can't really figure out why, but EW.

Helen Mirren!

Between not liking 2 Oscar de la Renta dresses and Helen Mirren showing up in this, I feel betrayed. How could my red carpet standby show up in a dowdy gown that makes her boobs look saggy? And those sleeves! It's really the sleeves that are the killer here. I don't believe I'm about to say this, but I hate that necklace. It's weird and doesn't go with the dress. You're tearing me apart, Helen!

Jayma Mays!

What has happened here?! That makeup! The ill-fitting dress! I can count your bones, woman! I'm concerned for Ms. Pillsbury, a bit. Mostly because she was doing so well, fashion-wise, and then she shows up to the Golden Globes looking like a fancy dress version of the Rocky Horror Show. (Now- I love me some Rocky Horror, I just don't think it's appropriate on the red carpet.)

Christina Aguilara!

Does anyone else think she looks like a Bratz doll? Just me? Okay.

Marky Mark (pictured here with his wife)!

That suit is so big on him, I'll bet he could fit at least half of the Funky Bunch in there.

Kaley Cuoco!

She looks like something my great aunt would have put on top of an extra roll of toilet paper in the bathroom.

Annette Bening!

I actually kind of like her dress. It was perhaps a tad casual for the event but it looks great on her (enviable) figure. But this hair. I- there are no words. In truth, I sympathize with Annette over this because this is pretty much exactly what my hair looks like... in the morning. She was sitting between her husband and Julianne Moore; surely one of them could have given her a bit of a hair fluff before she hit the stage? I suppose maybe you want to think twice before you let Julianne go near your style, though, because...

Julianne Moore!

What. Is. That. It looks like she got her sleeve stuck in her necklace and decided to "just go with it." That color pink is not good on her, and she chose a difficult material which easily wrinkles. Stars of Hollywood: when choosing red carpet wear, please consider travel time from your stylist's place to the ceremony location. Will the garment wrinkle in the limo? Is there a way for you to either stand or lay down for the duration of the trip to avoid wrinkling? Don't worry about the back of your dress; unless you are a Kardashian, Salma Hayek, or Sophia Vergara, no one will take a picture from behind. Back to Julianne, I can only shake my head and sigh. When will she get it right?

Katey Sagal!

I love Katey Sagal. I feel her voice to be very comforting after falling asleep to midnight showings of Futurama for so long. I'm so pleased she's getting some hardware for her work now. However. I cannot condone this kind of fashion abuse. This dress looks cheap and tacky and the color is absolutely awful. If you want us to forget Peg Bundy, you are going to have to step it up, lady.

Sandra Bullock!

Oh, girl. Oh no. With the hair and the dress and the - no. Just no.

Tilda Swinton!

SWINTON! This is perhaps the greatest red carpet photo I have ever seen. That rakish wink! Love. Her. Don't love this ensemble, though. It looks like a skirt she made in her Intro to Theatre Design class, paired with the only clean shirt in her closet. And can we talk about the shoes? The baby pink shoes? It's like she only chose colors used in the CVS Easter candy display.

Jesse Eisenberg!

Cutie pie, I don't understand. Is your brush really heavy? Same with your razor? Just too much work to pick them up? Maybe you could explain this to me... over breakfast.

Michelle Williams!

Why is she trying to be Twiggy? Why? This dress is ugly and makes her look thick, which she decidedly is not. The color is terrible on her. And then, on top of it all, soft and flowing thigh ruffles. This dress hurts my brain.

Halle Berry!

Psst! Halle. You forgot your dress.

January Jones!

Look, she's gorgeous and she has a knockout figure. But there's a such thing as trying too hard. There's also a such thing as dressing a background character in the "Gotta Have a Gimmick" scene from Gypsy. January Jones, there is nothing good about someone coming up to you and confiding, "If you gotta bump it, bump it with a trumpet."

Anne Hathaway!

Quote from friend's boyfriend: "She looks like the future I don't want to see." It's just too much, Anne. Too much.

And finally, last but certainly not least...

Helena Bonham Carter!

Delicious. Brava! Really, this is the greatest and best thing that happened at the Golden Globes this year. The sunglasses. The crazypants Vivienne Westwood explosion. The hair complete with mesh fascinator. The different colored shoes. I mean, how can you not applaud a woman who shows up on the red carpet with two different colored shoes? I love her, and I love everything about this. The icing on the wackadoo cake was that she seemed to be drunk on the red carpet and during the ceremony. Even better.

Well, friends, that's it for the 2011 Golden Globes. Soon, we’ll be hip deep in SAG Awards and Oscars. It’s a wonderful time of year to be critical, isn’t it?


  1. I still have to stand by Anne Hathaway... I like the structured shoulders and super-sexy back cutout. A little shiny, yes, but sexy, Amazon woman!

  2. And hilariously, it was YOUR boyfriend who had the quote!

  3. Excellent! All three are a triumph, but you outdid yourself with this last set - I didn't see Helena Bonham Carter in full that night - just seated during the ceremony - didn't reveal much - but really??? One of my favorite things about the King's Speech was that we got to see her in real clothing with sensible hair and make-up and be reminded that she really is quite attractive and interesting looking. Ah well - and you nailed poor January Jones, who the more I see/hear her not as Betty, the more you realize that she's totally wacky and ditsy. Also - re: Julianne Moore - maybe people should also take into consideration the color of the red carpet with what they're wearing - she really couldn't clash more.

    Finally - let's please, please, please do away with: Champagne, flesh, beige, mushroom,blush, etc. - those are not celebratory colors and on anyone whiter than Grace Jones not in the least flattering!
    Thanks for writing - are you spoken for for Oscar viewing? Sounds like with you would be the place to be.

  4. Pleaseohpleaseohplease let us watch the Oscars together. I can't imagine doing this in the same room with you. And wine. Bottles of wine.

  5. I heart you! What I most loved about Helena Bohnam Carter was that not only did Girlfriend decide to wear two different color shoes, but she went out and found the same shoe in two different colors!

  6. I was just watching The Dark Knight, and in your picture, Jayma Mays is eerily reminiscent of Heat Ledger as The Joker. Am I the only one seeing this?

    HBC would only have been better if she ran around with a wand yelling STUPEFY at people.

  7. I heard an interview with Helena wherein she said she loves being the one who always ends up being judged for wearing horrible clothes. I think she was trying to say it took the pressure off of every-day women to look fabulous all the time.