Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Everything I know about The Jersey Shore

It has finally gotten to the point where I can no longer ignore that triumph of popular culture, The Jersey Shore. I am from New Jersey, I have spent many summer days down the shore, and yet I have never seen the show. As an outsider on this cultural phenomenon, here's everything I know about The Jersey Shore.

A bunch of jerks with fake tans run around embarrassing their parents and former teachers. Usually, this happens on the beach or in night clubs. Maybe they live together like the The Real World? I don't know.

Just to give you insight into my tastes in reality television, my favorite season of The Real World was the London season where nothing happened. One kid put on a play, one guy had an intense girlfriend and someone bit his tongue, and one girl went on to costar in a movie with Zach Braff. Woo! Dramz!

Plot also:
The jerks like to punch each other and make up offensive slang associated with dating. I know they call some people "grenades," though I have no idea what that signifies. Whatever a grenade is, I'm sure I am one, so maybe it's better if I don't know!


I know that this person is Snooky:

Snooky has a poof in her hair and she's short. She likes to be tan. She got punched in the face. She goes in hot tubs and drinks booze.

KIDS. Don't let this description happen to you! If this is what the random person who doesn't watch your tv show knows about you, there is SOMETHING WRONG.

I know that this person is JWoww:

She doesn't like to wear shirts and I think she punched someone.

I know that this person is The Situation:

All I know about this person is that he has spent a lot of time developing his abs. Actually, last week a bunch of us ladies were building a support structure in the theater and I had to really engage my abs a few times to get the screws into the wood correctly. When I did that, I made the other girls call me "The Situation" and then I lifted up my t-shirt to show off my belly (obviously played for comedy...) I assume that would be something this guy does but that's all I got.

I think there's a guy named Vinnie, maybe? Are they all Italian? If so, maybe there is an Anthony. OH! There's a guy named Pauly D, I know that much. But any time I hear Pauly D I think:


And now you know everything I know or think I know about The Jersey Shore.

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