The Most Ridiculous Sexy ____ Costumes of the Season

Let's get this out of the way: I hate Sexy ____ costumes for Halloween. Sexy cat, sexy Willy Wonka, sexy Alice in Wonderland - all of them reveal the truth about the way our society thinks of women: they are all secretly sluts who should show off their bodies to people who will later shame them. Also, they are kind of predictable and boring.

Now. While I loathe Sexy ____ costumes, I have a true and deep love for the most ridiculous Sexy ___ costumes I can find, and I scour every year. I looked on plenty of websites to find the best ones, and then went to that palace of Sexy ___ Costumes, yandy.com, to pull the images. Enjoy this year's stupidest offerings.

Sexy Sunflower

Explanatory backdrop sold separately.

Sexy Skunk

Okay, so there is a lot of repetition between all of the sexy bear/dog/fox/wolf costumes. Originally, I was going to include Sexy Fox and make fun of the costume naming people for not calling it Foxy Fox, but then... oh then, I found Sexy Skunk. Can you think of anything more alluring than a skunk? Me neither.

Sexy Ladybug

I was not aware that ladybugs had fuzzy legs and mouse ears. Good to know.

Sexy Big Bird

Ah, Halloween. Making beloved Children's Television Workshop characters sexually attractive since 2010. (They also have Elmo and Cookie Monster.) (I decided to spare you.) (You're welcome.)

Want more of your childhood ruined? DONE.

Sexy Annie

I hate Annie to begin with. This is simply an abomination.

Sexy Ghostbusters

Slimer not included.

Sexy Belle

You may say, "But Meg, Sexy Belle is just one of the many Sexy Disney Princesses and isn't really that ridiculous." And okay, I see your point. But think about what Belle's character was like in Beauty and the Beast - smart, independant, and constantly frowning on those idiotic Sexy Village Girlswho followed Gaston everywhere. It makes total sense to make the bookworm into what you see above, right?

Sexy Nemo

I have no words. Actually that's a lie. Where the hell is Nemo's wonky fin? ANSWER ME THAT SEXY ____ COSTUME INDUSTRY!

Sexy Mary Poppins

You can tell it's Mary Poppins because of the signature hat and ... yeah, that's it.

Sexy Dorothy

I am not interested in any costumes, Halloween or otherwise, that require a Brazilian wax.

Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Really, it's Sexy Raphael. You can tell by the sai.

Sexy Court Jester

Same leggings as the Sexy Skunk, except in "wacky" colors. I bet those are warm on the shins.

Sexy Clown

For all of your sexy nightmares!

Speaking of sexy nightmares....

Sexy Chucky


Hold on to the axe and then next year you can be a

Sexy Lumberjack

No joke, right before I saw this one I thought to myself, One of these days they are going to run out of ideas..." Maybe that day has come?

Sexy George Washington

I cannot tell a lie, the hat makes the outfit.

Sexy Juliet

Please note the sexy bottle of poison under her garter. But, uh, (SPOILER ALERT) Romeo drinks poison and Juliet stabs herself. Learn your Shakespeare, Sexy ___ Costume Industry!

Sexy Lady Gaga

Redundant.

Sexy Scrabble

Really? REALLY?

Sexy Gumball Machine

Get it? The gumballs come out of her vagina!

Sexy Remote Control

This is pretty much the most disgusting costume I've seen. You can turn her bad girl up and also dial up her hotness! But my biggest problem with this costume is the accessory - WHY does she have an actual remote control on her garter if she IS a remote control? That's downright confusing.

And finally, my favorite Sexy ____ Blank costume of the year.....


Sexy Phantom of the Opera!

Wow. Just wow.


Happy Halloween everyone!

The Map of Non-Monogamy

This seriously awesome Map of Non-Monogamy comes from Franklin Veaux's livejournal. Please enjoy!

Everything I know about The Jersey Shore

It has finally gotten to the point where I can no longer ignore that triumph of popular culture, The Jersey Shore. I am from New Jersey, I have spent many summer days down the shore, and yet I have never seen the show. As an outsider on this cultural phenomenon, here's everything I know about The Jersey Shore.

Plot:
A bunch of jerks with fake tans run around embarrassing their parents and former teachers. Usually, this happens on the beach or in night clubs. Maybe they live together like the The Real World? I don't know.

Sidebar:
Just to give you insight into my tastes in reality television, my favorite season of The Real World was the London season where nothing happened. One kid put on a play, one guy had an intense girlfriend and someone bit his tongue, and one girl went on to costar in a movie with Zach Braff. Woo! Dramz!

Plot also:
The jerks like to punch each other and make up offensive slang associated with dating. I know they call some people "grenades," though I have no idea what that signifies. Whatever a grenade is, I'm sure I am one, so maybe it's better if I don't know!

Cast:

I know that this person is Snooky:


Snooky has a poof in her hair and she's short. She likes to be tan. She got punched in the face. She goes in hot tubs and drinks booze.

KIDS. Don't let this description happen to you! If this is what the random person who doesn't watch your tv show knows about you, there is SOMETHING WRONG.

I know that this person is JWoww:


She doesn't like to wear shirts and I think she punched someone.

I know that this person is The Situation:


All I know about this person is that he has spent a lot of time developing his abs. Actually, last week a bunch of us ladies were building a support structure in the theater and I had to really engage my abs a few times to get the screws into the wood correctly. When I did that, I made the other girls call me "The Situation" and then I lifted up my t-shirt to show off my belly (obviously played for comedy...) I assume that would be something this guy does but that's all I got.

I think there's a guy named Vinnie, maybe? Are they all Italian? If so, maybe there is an Anthony. OH! There's a guy named Pauly D, I know that much. But any time I hear Pauly D I think:

.

And now you know everything I know or think I know about The Jersey Shore.

Beaujolais Nouveau, Butterbeer, and Beer Beer

Y'all, we are just a few short weeks away from the release of Harry Potter 7 Part 1 on November 19 at midnight! Do you want to hear the best news of the week?

Beaujolais Nouveau Day is November 18. This means I can totally bring B.N. to the movie theater with me! Hooray!**

In related news, I had the amazing good fortune to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter back in August thanks to receiving the greatest 30th birthday gift ever. And while there, I was able to taste Butterbeer! They have it in two versions: cold and frozen. On the first round, they were out of the frozen (think slushy) version, so we went with the cold. It comes out of giant tapped barrels, which is a nice little detail. The really cool part of Butterbeer is that it is topped with magical cream. Due to, I suppose, a chemical reaction, on contact with the Butterbeer the cream turns into a foam and as you drink the foam increases! It was SO COOL.

So what does butterbeer taste like? On my first taste I thought cream soda, which I don't like very much. But then, mixed with the foam, it tasted like a liquid butterscotch dessert. I would never call this a refreshing drink, but it was definitely tasty and will give you a supreme sugar rush. I actually like the cold version better than the frozen version. At first I like the frozen better, but after a couple of minutes it started to melt and it just didn't taste as delicious to me. Also, the foam doesn't increase nearly as much on the frozen version as on the cold.

In Hogsmeade they also sell the Hog's Head Brew, an actual beer for actual adults who actually went to Harry Potter Land. Like me. It's a fairly innocuous beer, sort of a traditional lager or American ale. I love beer, but when in Hogsmeade.... well, sometimes you have to go for broke.




**Note: obviously, I would never bring wine with me to the midnight showing of Harry Potter every time they release a new movie. Not me. Never.

Mrs. Marc Anthony rides the Carousel of Hope

Oh dear lord, look what the cat dragged in.



This, of course, is Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez at the Carousel of Hope Gala. Where do we even start? The marshmellow melt-away dress? The sheer skirt/train that is so long she's actually stepping on it? The Real Housewives hairdo?

I am so confused about what JLo is anymore- singer? actor? genius business woman? No matter which she decides she is this week, the fact is that girlfriend knows how to BRING IT on the red carpet. And if Senora Thing is stepping on her crinoline, it is the dress' fault, not hers.

Fortunately, Swiss Miss decided to change for her performance with her amazingly talented husband at the gala. Unfortunately, she settled on this:



And upon exiting the auditorium, audience members sitting in the front row were awarded degrees in gynecology. Oh yes, and you are not imagining things: that is silver lame' fringe on her sleeves.

Okay, these two outfits are pretty terrible but the truth is, I live for celebrities wearing this crazy stuff. Cupcake bras, silver lame' fringe, giant feather headdresses - where would we be without this kind of entertainment? Don't ever change, JLo. I love you just as you are.

Chooch-a-Mooch and the Phillies

I love the Phillies. I love them oh so much. I have what we like to call High Hopes round these parts. They won the first of three must win games last night and they're bringing the series back to Philly. I like all of the guys on the team and have a great deal of affection for Charlie Manuel but there is one guy who shines brighter than any other star in my sky. And that man in Carlos "Chooch" Ruiz.

#51. Philly's own Senor Octubre. Or, Senor Choochtubre if you prefer. All aboard the Chooch Chooch Train.

He's a fantastic catcher, has some seriously clutch hits, and perhaps most importantly, is the cutest Chooch that ever Chooched. I am a proud member of Chooch's Chicas, which may or may not actually be a real club.

And so, Roy O. and Cole, I say unto you: this weekend, do not shake off Chooch. Just pitch the game he calls and I'll see you on Broad Street.

Food During Tech Time

My theatre company, Flashpoint, is about to start tech for the first show of our season. That means we've been in the theatre all week building the set, painting the set, and generally getting everything ready so we can have a show.

What this really means, though, is that I have two options for food:
1. buy my meals
2. bring my meals

Option 2 involves planning and cooking. Sometimes, if I can get it together, I will make a big batch of chili or soup or something that will last through the week and sustain me. Usually, though I just go with Option 1 and eat a weeklong rotating diet of salad or sandwich from the deli/ spicy beef bowl from the vaguely Japanese place down the street, expensive sushi, or slice of pizza. By the end of the week I feel exhausted and oversalted and broke.

This time I went to the grocery store and bough a butternut squash, a large onion, a couple of potatoes, and some stock. SOUP! Except that I never got around to making it, so that stuff is sort of just hanging out waiting to be dealt with this weekend. Luckily I also bought a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. And that is why I have been eating peanut butter sandwiches for at least one meal all week.

My First Fashion Show

Thanks to my friend Elle, I was able to attend my first ever fashion show last week! That's me, third from the right in the front row of the Alfred Angelo Spring 2011 Bridal Fashion Week showing. See how I am paying attention like a good front row member? I've been making a list of what you do and do not do at fashion shows for years now.

DO:
* Pay attention
* Take notes
* Remain inscrutable

DON'T:
* Make "yuck" faces
* Talk to your neighbor during the show
* Let your feet/legs hang out over onto the runway

I did make one yuck face but it was involuntary and could not be helped. I am a rookie! The beginning of this show was the debut of their line of wedding gowns inspired by the Disney princesses. They have Cinderella, Ariel, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Jasmine, Belle, and Tiana. The Cinderella and Belle dresses are exactly what I wanted when I was 10 years old. They are poofy and pretty and the Cinderella dress sparkles. The Tiana dress is also poofy but in a more sophisicated way - little pick ups here and there. The Jasmine dress was very pretty and much simpler than the rest, but still with a bit of sparkle. Ariel was my least favorite, and I didn't love the Sleeping Beauty dress either - seemed kind of fussy. And there was something "off" about the Snow White dress.

After the Disney set, they showed about 35 different dresses - some bridal gowns, some bridesmaid dresses, and some party dresses. For the most part I found the party dresses to lack movement, though they were fun and pretty. There was one with a halter neckline that should pretty much be immediately planted in the closets of all lithe 25 year olds. Many of the dresses featured pockets, to which I say: YES. Please keep doing this! I (and most of the women I know) love pockets in dresses. While handbags can be fun and can certainly give a little extra punch to an outfit, it is kind of annoying to carry a bag all. the. time.

Here's something that was really cool about the fashion show - we were all provided with a packet of drawings of each dress in the order it was shown. That way we could annotate the ones we really liked or make important notes like, "buttons go all the way down the back and train." I don't know if this is just how fashion shows work, but it was BRILLIANT.

For me though, I loved being part of a crowd whose main purpose was to pass judgment. I was utterly engaged in the show and loved every single moment of attending. Thank you, Elle and thank you Alfred Angelo!

A Sex Store in Manasses, who'd'a thunk it?

As I originally read over at Jezebel, residents in Manasses, Virginia are seriously displeased that an adult store has opened in their downtown area.

Okay, a few things about this. Firstly, why in the world would you not call this store Lady Parts and Man Asses (or similar)? The actual name of the store, KK's Temptations, is probably after the names of the mother-daughter team that own the store but I feel like they are missing a golden opportunity here.

That's another thing. I am very open with my mom and I can think of a few business ventures we could develop together but in no universe do I wish to run an adult accessory store with Mama Jacks! I can just see her face as we go through the catalogue and decide which brand of ball gags to carry and in what quantity.

The store seems to be a one stop shop for both practical and fantasy items. They sell lingerie, DVDs, bachelorette crap, toys, and even prosthetic boobs. From the outside, it kind of looks like a store in my tiny hometown where you could buy angel figurines or get a blanket monogrammed. You know, the place you shop before Mother's Day or Mom Mom's birthday. And it seems like that was a good move since the residents of Manasses (never not funny) seem to think that smut like this has no place in their community. From the article: Opponents of the store say one of their big concerns is that it's just a few doors down from the Center for the Arts. It's a place where childrens' plays are performed. There's an ad for “Charlotte's Web” on the door.

Oh, Manasses. Stop clutching your pearl necklaces (see what I did there?) and think of this as a positive: take your kids to see Charlotte's Web and then stroll down the street past the mom and pop sex shop. That way you can have a meaningful afternoon where your kids learn about death AND get to open a conversation about sex. Starting a conversation with your kids about sex out of curiosity rather than necessity? I think Charlotte herself would call that "Terrific."

Universal Truths of Project Runway

Don't make that face, Andre - you've seen this show before.

* After you've put together your collection at home, you will have to create at least one more look when you get back to New York for Fashion Week. Please stop acting surprised.

* Whenever the button bag comes out, you have a problem. It's either a team challenge or you're losing your model.

* You will put together at least one look from materials you usually eat or use to decorate for a party.

* If Nina has decided you are boring, there is no way you are going to Fashion Week. In fact, it's just a matter of time before you clean up your workspace.

* There is a difference between "lovably kooky eventual winner of PR" (Jay, Christian, and I'm guessing Mondo) and "do you think s/he's actually on drugs???" (Elisa, Ping, Starr). The latter will go early.

* The Project Runway producers keep multiple buses parked just outside the studio specifically so designers may be thrown under them at any time by other designers.

* If Tim Gunn tells you something isn't working and you don't scrap it, you will live to regret it.

* Quip ratio, Michael:Nina:Heidi = 3:1:1

* If Nina gets in a quip about your look, you are getting the auf.

* You will have to design for a "real" woman at some point during the competition. (Please try not to talk about how much more fabric you need to buy because it makes the viewers feel sad.)

* There will always be someone who survives much longer than they should in the competition. And there will always be a Nora or an April who went home too soon.

Pop Culture test

Lisa Rinna had her lips reduced. There was silicone in there! CRAY CRAY.