Golden Globes 2011: The Meh!

Well, fight fans, I collected the images of The Good, The Bad, and The Meh from the 2011 Golden Globes and have it here for you in three very large posts. I never really feel like I can leave people out (though, you will see, I certainly did)...so these are some big ole posts. We'll start with The Meh and then go on to The Good and finish out with The Bad. The deliciously, amazingly bad. I mean come on: mismatched shoes. Amazing. I even managed to pull the boys into my fashion round-up this time. Get excited.

But first! The Meh!

Angelina Jolie!

BOOM! Bet you didn't see that one coming! While I was tickled...green by seeing a lot of this color on the red carpet this year, this one was not a favorite for me. It's weirdly blousy around her midsection, and the sequins look a little cheap to me. The hair looks okay in this photo, but on screen it looked thin and sweaty. Don't look sweaty on the red carpet, ladies! (Also, did you notice how weirdly clingy she was being during the show? It was either clingy-clingy while Brad looked bored, or she was reapplying lip gloss.)

Megan Fox!

Snoozefest with stupid tattoo and terrible shoes. Thank god she has mastered the art of SexyFace, though. Otherwise I wouldn't have known it was her.

Nicole Kidman!

While I'm sure we're all very glad that Nicole can move her face again, I'm not sure this shade of cream is the most flattering for her. It's not awful, but it's not good either. And the twee little bow only draws my attention to her belly. Not that she has a belly, but once I get a glimpse of that bow, all I can do is look for non-existent pooch. Oh, and Keith? That hairstyle is not working for you.

Milla Jovovich

Until 5 seconds ago, I was under the impression that girlfriend's name was Milla Jokovich. Seriously. Where did that other v come from? Also, until the night of the Golden Globes I was not aware that Ms. Milla was the coy villain in a grand ballroom scene from Dynasty. "Why Alexis Carrington, wouldn't you like to know!?"

Juliana Margulies

Oh god, really? Shades of this pink kept popping up on the red carpet and it just reminds me too much of blush and bashful. Of course we know that blush and bashful are two entirely different shades of pink, but on the red carpet they all look the same way: amateurish. This could have been saved if the color proportions were swapped. And if the bottom didn't look like a fancy sarong. And if there was a necklace.

Claire Danes!

Here's what went right: hair, cut and structure of dress. Here's what went not right: blush/bashful pink, and ugh that makeup. We'll call it a draw.

Jennifer Love Hewitt!

I have a great deal of affection for JLoHew but this get-up just screams I AM READY TO GET MARRIED! OH GOD PLEASE SOMEONE MARRY ME! Unlike when Kate Hudson in the Marchesa bridal at last year's Golden Globes (which, for the record came off as "You could have had this, suckah"), Miss Thing here has too much going on. The floofy hair, the unflattering waistband, the "underwater vagina" representation on the bust... You know, what? I should have put her in The Bad category.

Jenna Ushkowitz!

Nice try, Jenna. Great color and cute torso but I'm going to need you to go back to the beginning and try it without the ruffles and a different eye shadow.

Christina Hendricks!

Soooooooo close. Great hair, great color, great dress and then there's the RUFFLE. Ugh, Hendricks. Haven't we talked about this?

Vanessa Williams!

The woman is in incredible shape. But there's something off about this that I can't quite put my finger on. It could be the severe hair, the lack of bracelet (I've never bemoaned a lack of bracelet before!), the eye makeup... I don't know, it just seems not quite polished.

Jane Lynch!

It's getting better every time, but she's still not there yet. Personally, I could have done without the ostrich feathers at the bottom, and maybe I would have axed that bracelet. Or at least done something that wasn't so heavy. I am very glad she won an award, though - she totally deserves it! Halfway to EGOT, Jane! Step it up.

Naya Rivera!

Whoa. If not for the tan lines, I would just think she was topless. So, I guess, way to go swimsuit?

Piper Perabo!

The thing that concerns me (besides the lip color) is how satisfied she seems with this look. Without the bow, it's just a boring black dress. With the bow, it's not cute. You guys, here's the thing: this is an Oscar de la Renta. I feel betrayed, somehow.

Lea Michele!

OH MY GOD IT'S ANOTHER OSCAR DE LA RENTA GOWN THAT I DON'T CARE FOR! What is the world coming to, I ask you? Why is this dress blush/bashful? Why is the cocktail ring my favorite part of the ensemble? World... crumbling.

Jennifer Lopez!

I have read so much Go Fug Yourself in this lifetime that now every time I see JLo all I can think is, "Hola, lovers!" The actual dress itself would be fine, if a little snoozy, if left alone and perhaps paired with a bit of a bigger hairstyle. But then there's that... sheer cape. Excuse me, bedazzled sheer cape. What can I say except ay, Dios mio!

HOW HAVE YOU NOT PUT UP YOUR GOLDEN GLOBES FASHION RECAP YET!?


You'll have part one later today, friends. Thanks for hanging in there!

Stay tuned!

Things got really busy in realms that actually pay me money. Please stay tuned - I'll post on Facebook when I get something substantial up here. Thanks for checking back!

What the hell is wrong with you, Hollywood?!

Friends, that was the WORST fashion I have ever seen. I expected it to be good, considering it wasn't raining like last year. The Golden Globes gave us some hideous dresses last night, as well as some deliciously bad decisions. Mismatched shoes! Bride of Frankenstein hair! Will wonders never cease?

Alas, the commentary will have to wait until tomorrow, as I am finishing out a bit of a girls' getaway weekend. Stay tuned tomorrow for fashion highlights (there are like 3) and lowlights (oh, millions).

Today in current events

What a week for love! Two different couples I am friends with got engaged this week AND I'm going to my pseudo little brother's wedding this evening. It's not every day you get to go to the wedding of someone you've seen poop their pants. I am so pleased that when birds are falling from the sky and zodiac signs are changing people can still get it together to stand up and say, "Yup, you. Even with the incessant cheese eating."

One of my favorite games to play at weddings is called Inappropriate Songs To Hear At A Wedding. This was somewhat started by my longstanding agreement with my father to dance with him at my wedding (whenever that may be) to the song he always used to sing when I would come home from dates. That song would be "Maneater" by Hall and Oates. Aside from the fact that Hall and Oates are AWESOME and that song is totally amazing, we also like the high WTF factor it brings to a father-daughter dance. It makes me want to send away for a mail order husband just so I can realize the glory of that moment sooner rather than later.

At recent weddings, I have counted some of the following Inappropriate Songs To Hear At A Wedding:

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
White Wedding (seriously.)
Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)
Toxic
Heard It Through The Grapevine


I'm hoping I get to shake my groove thing tonight to something completely, hilariously inappropriate. Cry Me A River, perhaps?

Flirting

Jezebel.com has been running an excellent series called Social Minefield. They've tackled everything from how to deal with people you hate to dealing with shyness. It's been helpful and fun, from the articles to the comments. Today's Social Minefield is A Guide to Flirting. Basically, they advocate eye contact and touching but caution against being a creepo.

My best flirting technique has always been a method I call Completely Ignore The Person You Like. You can use it anywhere: the park, a bar, restaurant, house party...really, the possibilities are endless. But while putting this technique to work is easy, the returns are questionable. And by questionable, I mean zero. Perfect for the gal on the go!

The best flirting advice I have ever heard was given by one friend to another. I present it to you here, free of charge. In order to close, you must first open.

Babies, babies everywhere

If you live in Hollywood, chances are you are pregnant right now. Owen Wilson's nameless girlfriend, Kate Hudson, Jewel, Marion Cotillard, Rachel Zoe, Penelope Cruz, Natalie Portman, one of the many faceless Kardashians.... jeez, you guys! I'm never going to be able to keep up with all of these baby names! The Orlando Bloom is a dad as of yesterday, but we don't have a name yet. I know you are all sorely disappointed.

The only thing I can think about all these pregnancies is that maybe it's an explanation for some of the crazy stuff happening on red carpets lately. I'm personally kind of glad that an atrocity like this



can be explained away by "pregnancy brain." Marion, we want you for your glamour, not your Helena Bonham Carter impressions.

Mr. Clint Goes to McDonalds

My little sister, Stupidcleese, always get roped into helping me with the stupidest parts of my life, like wrapping presents or figuring out how iPods work. Lately she has been charged with the task of transporting my beloved fish, Clint, across Philadelphia about a gazillion times. This makes sense for two reasons: one, she loves animals, and two, she has a car.

I've been moving a lot in the past 6 months, which means Clint has been moving a lot in the past 6 months. Moving is supposed to be very stressful for fish, which means that it's also very stressful for me. I make Stupidcleese drive like 15 MPH, frustrating all Philadelphia drivers. I have a little Clint container he rides in when it's time to go somewhere new. It's very fancy - it came in a 20 piece set at Ikea for about a dollar. Maybe five dollars. You know, it's Ikea. You just put things in your basket and then all of a sudden you're spending $150 on tupperwear, meatballs, and a ridiculous lamp that will break or melt in five weeks. I love Ikea.

On the last move, my sister was once again assigned Clint duty. Clint (and I) had been staying in a house with a very good friend and a couple of cats. The cats looooooved Clint and wanted to play with him. Or eat him. Never could quite tell. This stressed Clint out a little bit, so I was worried about getting him to the new house in one piece. Clint's over a year old, which is a lot for fish. I don't want him to die, and I especially didn't want him to die en route to the new house.

But! Stupidcleese and I were hungry. And when you are moving there are only two acceptable foods: pizza and McDonalds. We decided to stop at McDonalds and since it was November I was not about to leave Clint in the car. So we brought Clint with us.



He was not amused. We weren't sure if it was the flourescent lighting or the music or the deathly threat of Filet O' Fish, but he was freaking out. Gold Gourami are known to be jumpers but he wasn't just jumping, he was throwing himself against the walls of his container. It was awful. We tried to placate him...



He wasn't hungry. So I give you this, my friends, a public service announcement:

Pet fish do not like to go to McDonalds.

2011 Oscars: now with one fewer depressing dress!

Not that this surprises me a lot, but Katie Kate Holmes and Tom Cruise will not be attending the Oscars this year. Why, you ask? Because Anne Hathaway is one of the hosts and Katie is pissed about Anne making fun of her on SNL. Which, by the way, was HILARIOUS. Lighten up, TomKat! You guys are starting to sound like the most boring fake married people ever invented. If you're going to be hugely famous fake married people, you can at least laugh at yourselves once in a while. Of course the thing that caught my eye from the article...

They used to be friends and [Katie] took Anne to a Tina Turner concert in 2008 when Anne split up from her boyfriend Raffaello Follieri.

Back it up. Anne Hathaway got to wear one of the greatest Armani Prive dresses ever created AND got to see Tina Turner in concert all in one year?! Do you know what I got when my boyfriend and I broke up? A TWIN DAYBED AND FLANNEL SHEETS WITH DOGS ON THEM. Dogs skiing and wearing scarves, to be exact.* Granted, my ex is not an international scam artist who embarrassed me in front of the world, but I didn't even know that post-breakup friend dates could involve Tina Turner! Color me jealous!

I can find two bright sides to the news of Mr. and Mrs. Holmes-Cruise swerving the Oscars. One: Anne Hathaway can feel free to do her Joey Potter impression. Two: we won't have to relive this nightmare:




*The sheets are actually adorable, thank you, Gigi.

The amazing $6 veggie burger

I had the most amazing veggie burger at lunch yesterday. Yes, you read that correctly: amazing veggie burger. It was a large patty of what can only be called a boatload of actual vegetables on a nice soft bun, and mine was served with melted cheddar cheese. All this plus fries and a pickle for $6 at National Mechanics on 3rd Street in Old City. The deal also extends to their beef burger, but I had heard so many people rave about the veggie burger I had to know for myself.

If you are in Philly, hie thee hence to National Mechanics and enjoy the greatest veggie burger ever created!


Oh, what? You don't like veggies? God, you guys are difficult. The best beef burgers this city has going right now are the Whiskey King at Village Whiskey (bacon, blue cheese, onions, foie gras - take your heart meds before eating) and The Churchill at Pub and Kitchen (bone marrow butter, onions, La Frieda meat blend - I love bone marrow). Really, you should eat all of them because Philly is obsessed with burgers right now and the hits just keep coming.

Jen Lindley: Independent Woman

Oh ho ho, this is hilarious. My friend Jayme sent me this story from Salon.com about The Broadcast Film Critic Association putting up the wrong picture of Michelle Williams with their nominations list.

I mean, come on. This is absolutely amazing.




As a companion piece, I offer you this.

KELLY

CAN YOU HANDLE THIS?


MICHELLE

CAN YOU HANDLE THIS?


BEYONCE

CAN YOU HANDLE THIS?


I DON'T THINK THEY CAN HANDLE THIS!

Welcome back to work, friends! Mondays are painful, but the Monday after a holiday weekend is especially painful. I'm already through my coffee and half a bottle of water, trying desperately to ignore the caramel popcorn I know is hidden in my desk drawer. Why? Because I am resolute! I am going to be a woman who Eats Sensibly and Goes To Yoga Twice A Week and Goes To The Gym On Days When I Don't Have Yoga. I am going to Do All Of My Work and Read Important Literature Instead Of Simply Throwing The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Across The Room In Frustration. That way, I can have Interesting Things To Say At Cocktail Parties when I get to Go To Cocktail Parties.

I am going to Forgive Those Who Hurt Me and Forgive Myself For Hurting Others. I am going to be the Best Daughter/Sister/Dancer At The Wedding and all will know I am resolute by the way I Drink Less and Seriously, Actually Eat Vegetables and Fruits. I am excited by the prospect of Moisturizing Every Day Instead Of Just Looking At Scaly Legs And Shaking My Head At Them Like They Are Misbehaving. I am going to Buy A Big Girl Bed and Attempt To Actually Develop A Decorating Scheme In My Home. I am going to Discover A New Band That Has Put Out Music Since 2003 and I am very, very serious about Spending More Time Alone But Not Neglecting My Friends.

I am going to be the Greatest Person Alive this year. And that also means Updating Way Too Shay In A Timely Manner Each Day. Fasten your seatbelts, friends. It's 2011.

What will be your final Google of 2010?

I am pretty sure I have just Googled my last for 2010. My choice?

Charlie Sheen is too damn high.

Have a very safe New Year's celebration, friends. And get ready: awards show season is just around the corner. AND I made my own rib sauce this morning, so you'll get to hear all about that. Get excited for 2011. Until then, I leave you with my best moment of 2010...

The Best and Worst of Awards Show Fashion 2010

While it has not been an absolutely amazing year for awards show fashion, there have been some standouts. If you read my livejournal (yes, livejournal) you know that I absolutely love awards shows but I love even more to judge awards show fashion. If you are new to my brain, here are things that may help understanding this end of year fashion roundup:

1. I pretty much always think that strapless dresses benefit from a necklace.
2. I freaking love Oscar de la Renta.
3. I love the bad fashion most of all.

Seriously, if the sight of an attendee makes me sharply inhale, it's a keeper. If the sharp inhale is followed by a solemn, "Oh girl, on no," even better. Here are my picks for favorite and "favorite" looks from the Golden Globes, SAG Awards, Oscars, and Tonys (my big four). Oh, also, I may include some of the original commentary because I am lazy.

The Good (in chronological order)

Anna Paguin at the Golden Globes


I love Anna Paquin in gold and that deep v with structured shoulders really works for her. This is a standout look for sure!

Sandra Bullock at the SAG Awards


Very cool and polished, just like a star about to win every award known to actors. Love the black and blue and the exaggerated cutout.

Lea Michele at the SAG Awards


Girlfriend hit the red carpet running this year. In fact, she appears on my list twice. She has a knack for picking non-traditional red carpet colors and knowing what works for her body and skintone. I love how this dress flirts with the 70s without being a costume.

Cameron Diaz at the Oscars


Perfect, perfect, perfect. How could she possibly go wrong wearing Oscar to the Oscars? This was the best red carpet look of the year.

Helen Mirren at the Oscars


It's actually true that I have a file of Helen Mirren red carpet looks saved just in case I should ever need red carpet inspiration. The woman owns formalwear.

Ryan Reynolds at the Oscars


What's that you say? You're newly single and know how to work a Tom Ford tux? Yes please.

Cate Blanchett at the Tonys


Sure, she may be doing an impression of that one time Ziggy Stardust merged with the Tin Man, but she is doing a hell of a job of it. I love the cut of this suit.

Lea Michele at the Tonys


Love the color, love the silhouette, don't love the bangs but understand that was for the tv show. Well done, LM! But step it up, girl! You are slacking lately.

Laura Linney at the Tonys


I don't know why I love this so much but I really do. It's a perfect shade of blue and the cut is youthful and breezy without feeling desperate and past it.

The Bad (in chronological order)

Chloe Sevigny at the Golden Globes


So, The Sev won a Golden Globe and on her way up to the microphone, apparently someone stepped on her dress. In what has to be one of the greatest acceptance speech openers of all time, she barely contained her rage as she spat into the microphone, "I can't believe he just ripped my dress!" As for the dress in question, it has a huge "wow" factor, as in "wow, that is fugly."

Cher at the Golden Globes


It's almost like Cher and Bob Mackie were in the Cherry Hill Mall and wandered into Hot Topic, where Cher said, "Look at these teenage goth fashions, Bob! Aren't they delicious?!" And then Bob Mackie said, "Grommets! Lace! Velvet! Off-the-shoulder sex appeal! You know, Cher, I'll bet I can make you a gown for the Golden Globes that incorporates all of this." And Cher clasped her hands to his face and said, "Would you? For me?"

Justin Timberlake at the SAG Awards


Sometimes I forget that JT once showed up on the red carpet in a denim suit with matching denim fedora. Then sometimes, I remember. Guess which time this is?

Sophia Loren at the SAG Awards


Now, we have learned many times over that when it comes to Sophia Loren awards show fashion, it could always be worse. But it could also be better. This selection for the "bad" category falls under the "awesomely bad," like Cher. I hope someday to be an aging sex symbol and dress awesomely bad...ly. Adverbs are hard.

Judd Nelson at the Oscars


What the hell happened to you, Judd Nelson!? Why in the world are you dressed like you're going to a prom in 1992? Why would you wear a collarless shirt...unbuttoned? And with a high-button vest!? WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE CHANDLER BING?

Hilary Swank at the Oscars


Hil? We already have a Pam Anderson.

Kathy Ireland at the Oscars


Not only is she guilty of egregious accessorizing, she was the worst red carpet host ever. The dress is a disaster and the hair and makeup just make me want to scream.

Diane Kruger at the Oscars


I appreciate couture fashion but some of it is frankly not appropriate to wear in public. I cannot believe Lagerfeld let her out of his showroom in this. For shame, Karl.

Sarah Jessica Parker at the Oscars


Bad hair, scary makeup, too many bracelets accenting the zombie hands, and a yellow sack dress. I'd say "does it get worse," but I'm afraid our Sarah Jessica likes a challenge.

Charlize Theron


Lilac cinnabusoms. The mind reels.

Linda Lavin at the Tonys


I challenge you to look at this ensemble and not pull a face. The only word I can muster is HIDEOUS.

Aretha Franklin at the Tonys


Oh girl. Oh no.

Jada Pinkett Smith at the Tonys


It looks like the Marchesa store threw up on her. Violently. And, I mean, her legs look amazing, but how is she supposed to whip her hair back and forth if it's pulled so tight? Jada, if you feel me, do it, do it, whip your hair.

Katie Holmes at the Tonys


This, for me, is the worst look of the year. And not in a fun way. This dress, beyond being dreadful, does not fit her. It is too small in the bust, and about 4 inches too short. Her hair is a goddamn disaster, she's not wearing jewelry, and her makeup is non-existent. And then there are the shoes. Shape up, Joey Potter! I like it better when you let Posh Spice dress you.