Met Ball 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Meh

Gird your loins, fashion fans! We have a lot to cover today!

THE MEH

Reese Witherspoon!

 I was so close to putting this in the Good pile. I love the neckline so much and, obviously, pink is a great color for Reese. But the hair drags this look straight into costume for me. Do you see what I see?

Yeeeaaaahhhhhh... it's a little too on the nose for me.

Hayden Panetierre!

 Another almost for me. The dress itself is great and her head hasn't looked this good in ears, but I hate the fabric so much. It reminds me of a bedspread I had in middle school that I thought was girly-edgy. It wasn't and neither is this. CUAN, too.

Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal!

 There is a LOT going on here, so let's deconstruct a bit. Jakey looks pretty great, but I would have liked a different color bowtie and a different cut on the pants. Maggie is wearing a Twister mat in 70s romper room colors... and has NEVER LOOKED BETTER. How. How is this happening like this? She should not at all look this great in this dress. I am flummoxed but also really happy to see her look so great.

Greta Gerwig!

 Except for that sheer wide strap on the left, I'm in love with this dress. It's dramatic, editorial, and looks fantastic on her. However. The shoes? The hair? The makeup? Wooof. The styling is really sinking this.

Taylor Swift!

 More blonde white women! I get this look and it's very elegant but the color and the bangs are making her look about 16 years old. She's at least 18 by this point, right? The shoes on Ms. Redhead in silver, though, are gorgeous.

Maggie Q!

 Reader Beth, I'm sorry to say that the "Jane Eyre hair" is a thing now. Because that's part of the 90s look and the 90s are everything now. Remember Madonna's hair in the Frozen video? It's gonna be like that for the next bit of time. Onto Maggie Q...it's fairly fabulous but there's no movement, no flow. My real ish here is how the skirt marries to the bodice. I just can't look at it and like it.

Olivia Munn!

 It's the wrong color and she needs slightly more dramatic makeup. That's all I can say about this because I am SO distracted.

Allison Williams!

 It's too long, your undergarments are betraying their presence and most of all I'm just bored. Snooze, Allison, snooze.

Felicity Jones!

 This is gorgeous. I'm annoyed that she CLEARLY sat down in the limo and allowed her train to get shoved in there. But, that said, I think black isn't showing off the beautiful craftspersonship to its fullest. With her coloring and that (ugh) hair, I'd go with this in a gorgeous cornflower blue. That would make her eyes pop and then you'd be able to see the work in the skirt.

Kristen Wiig!

 Hey girl heyyyy. Okay! We're getting somewhere now. Wiig is going in the SWINTON direction and it's definitely working. If the pants actually had good fit, the shoes were a little bit MORE, and the hair was a bit more structural I think this would be a winner. WIIG! Keep going! Always be thinking SWINTON.

Amy Adams!

 Lose an inch off the bottom and change the color to a dusky rose or a dark gold and we have a winner. Amy, you sweet woman, please stop wearing white and silver like forever.

Kendall Jenner!

 This is a gorgeous dress that is half a size too small and half a shade too light or too dark... really, she could go either way to great effect. And the just-got-out-of-a-convertible hair doesn't help. I don't always love trumpet gowns but this is a stunner.

Zoe Kravitz!

 Zoe, honey, you are super hot; you don't have to try so hard.

Marion Cotillard!

 Love the shoes (but not with this dress). Love the hair (but not with this dress).  Love the idea of the dress but don't love the dress at all -ESPECIALLY the length on that hem. It really needs to be 2 inches shorter. And! Oh lord no! The sheer straps are back! nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Rachel McAdams!

 The fit is great and her head is perfect - she looks gorgeous, like always. But, honestly? It's a boring dress in a boring color and needs a few more accessories.

Anne Hathaway!

 It begins: the parade of midriffs. Lord save us. Of all of the unfortunate midriffs, this is one of the best. Honestly, she looks great but I don't think we needed to see her abs. The styling is PERFECT, you guys.

Dakota Johnson!

 I am super confused about the construction on this dress but it's interesting/unexpected and I like the mix of materials (and I'm really into the gloves with it). Loving her makeup, not loving the hair.

Bee Shaffer!

Jane Eyre hair alert. I love the idea of this dress and she wears ice blue like a pro, but I have to confess that it just looks completely overworked. This dress kind of makes me tired when I look at it. Sorry, Bee. Don't tell your mama.

Diane Kruger (with bonus half of Pacey in the background)!

 Snoooooooooooooooooooozefest.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West!

 Kanye always looks trapped, doesn't he? Maybe he's trapped in those pants - FAR too slim of a cut for your jib, my friend. Kim looks fairly basic but great. I definitely need those shoes.

Donatella Versace!

 My dear readers, let's just all take a moment to acknowledge the wonder and power that is Donatella. I haaaaate this color on her so much and it looks like she is fighting with the glittery skirt, but there's no denying the drama of this.

Naomi Campbell!

 I mean.... she looks beautiful and is bringing the drama but this is a swimsuit coverup from 1976, right? The fabric isn't helping. The muppet sleeves are DEFINITELY helping. Stay gold, Naomi.

Met Ball 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Good!

Before we start doing something silly and frivolous, I want to make sure you all know that more than 230 Nigerian girls have been abducted by Boko Haram militants. You know about this, right? This horrible, real thing that is happening? Before you start reading about a bunch of idiots with money who can't figure out how to dress themselves, maybe send a quick email about it or express solidarity at the #bringbackourgirls tumblr. The fashion will certainly wait.


Hey! Welcome back! Thanks for sending that email. Now... onto the idiots who CAN dress themselves. My dear readers, the Met Ball this year was all sorts of disappointing. I was in need of smelling salts many times. I don't know how in the world some of these people translated "high society glamour" into "1992 midriff extravaganza" but it happened. A lot. Some people just can't take direction, I guess. Luckily no one showed up looking like grandma's couch this year. Ready for some big poufy dresses? You know I am!

THE GOOD

Posh and Becks!

Posh and Becks can take direction, of course. You might think she looks like a fancy napkin but, hand to God, this is one of the more polished looks of the night.

Gisele Bundchen!

This lip color might drive me to distraction, but the dress and the accessories are just wonderful. See how it juuuuuuust touches the ground and doesn't pull anywhere? That's a perfect fit.

Liu Wen!

Now THIS is a dress for the Met Ball. I straight up gasped when I saw it. Artful construction, unholy volume, gorgeous fit, amazing color.

Benedict Cumberbatch!

Perfect, perfect, perfect. You're welcome, Cumberbitches.

Fabiola Beracasa!

Glamour, poise, and somehow knowing how to wear that color. As a ghostly pale person, I'm fairly amazed.

Dita Von Teese!

Speaking of ghostly pale people... I have no idea how in the world she walked in that thing but I don't care. She is always on top of her game. And look: a necklace. Bless. (PS, don't you love sequin lady in the back? She is SO excited!)

Chiwetel Ejiofor (seen here with Sari Mercer)!

Please ignore Sari... we'll get to her later (because WTF is going on there?!?!?!?). Concentrate only on the glorious beauty that is Chiwetel and his lovely tux.

Jessica Pare!

Okay, yes, it's about two seconds away from going tits ahoy and, yes, she could use a necklace. Fine. But! I love the construction, I love the print, I love everything that's happening on her head, I love her cocktail rings.

Sarah Jessica Parker!

SJP is the mayor of the Met Ball. As mayor, she should know better than to let some intern just shove her dress into a limo... for shame that such crinkle would befall upon an Oscar. I was promised gloves and got barely any, so I'm exquisitely pleased about these elbow gloves. We can all acknowledge that SJP usually falters on the hair for the Met Ball, so I'll give her silly updo a pass. I will say this about the hair: I'd rather it be big than understated. (That's what she said.)

Johnny Depp (seen here with Amber Heard)!

Amber looks fine, if a little shellshocked and boring. Johnny, though, looks better than he has in years. Spats! A cane! Gloves! Many chains! A HAIRCUT! I may faint.

Emmy Rossum!

Guys! Remember that dreamy blue floral Lucy Liu wore to the Golden Globes last year? This dress is  its sister and I adore it almost as much. (Both by Caroline Herrera, of course.) It just needs one little tug upwards before setting the boob tape and a little ice on the clavicle and it'd be perfect. Congratulations, Emmy Rossum: this is the first time in my entire life I was not bored just by looking at you.

Karolina Kurkova!

Girlfriend has been in the Good pile since I stared covering the Met Ball. Remember? The blinged out turban in 2012? And punk by way of high fashion and Beetlejuice that I inexplicably loved last year? This is a HOME RUN, though. I cannot overstate how much I love this Marchesa (with necklace, bless). The structure, the silhouette, the color, the detail - Georgina, you've outdone yourself.

Selena Gomez!

I thought I'd give you an elegant palate cleanser in the midst of the Big Dress Blow Out.  I have nothing bad to say about any of this.

Sarah Silverman (with bonus bored-looking Michael Sheen in the background)!

While this is not the most flattering angle to view this dress because it makes the bust look super weird, I think she looks fantastic. But can we have a moment to realize that the Met Ball is perhaps a disaster if Sarah Silverman is one of your best dressed? She's definitely been upping her game lately, but still...

Blake Lively!

Stunning, just stunning. Quick question: how much boob tape is she wearing?! That is a gravity-defying feat of wonder there.

Hailee Steinfeld!

Most attendees of the Met Gala this year were out-dressed by a 17 year old. Now, she happens to be a 17 year old who consistently makes EXCELLENT fashion choices, but still. This look is phenomenal.

Okay... and now we're down to my two favorite looks of the night - one classic, one edgy.

Charlize Theron (with bonus background Olsen preview)!

Everybody else go home. There is nothing better.

Janelle Monae!

Everybody else go home. There is nothing better.

Derby Hats are the Best Hats

WTS Nation, I have an important announcement: The Met Gala is tonight. As you may remember, last year's theme was Punk which was mostly a freaking disaster. Oh my god, I still see that pink number in my nightmares sometimes. I think our Anna realized how awful it was and so this year she has decreed that all must be in white tie attire - we're talking high society shiny men's shoes and bigass ball gowns. Please look at this quote - "many of the chicest attendees will be wearing custom cuissardes made by ancestral French glovemakers." OF COURSE THEY WILL.

But until then, we have something a bit more playful and a bit less "custom cuissardes" to cover: the Kentucky Derby hats! There is no Good, Meh, or Bad here... just a lot of glorious WTF-ery.

Ladies, if your cheese is pink and growing lilies, you definitely should put it nowhere near your face.

I know it's supposed to be whimsical, but this chapeau strikes me as bleak and depressing. Also, the fit is terrible. Sir, you can go up a size.

You guys! Cheryl James (AKA Salt of Salt N Pepa) was there! And she wore an enormous bow like a Powerpuff Girl! You guys, I know that ain't nobody perfect but I give props to those who deserve it.

I'm pretty sure I need this hat.

Aaaaaaaand I'm pretty sure that this is the same milliner who made the anniversary hat last year. I recognized her My Little Pony style.

Another year, another gigantic rose.

Major fail. The Kentucky Derby is no place for dead flowers in an autumnal palette glued to your head. I mean yes, all the flowers should be glued to one's head but not in shades of brown.

Much better. Do you see where you went wrong, dead flower lady?

Ew.  You look like a Peep. Easter was two weeks ago, lady! Get it together!

"Is Draco alive? Is he at the Derby?"  The whisper was barely audible; her lips were an inch from his ear, her head bent so low that her enormous hat shielded his face from the onlookers. “Yes,” he breathed back. He felt the hand on his chest contract; her nails pierced him. Then it was withdrawn. She had sat up. “California Chrome shall take first place!” Narcissa Malfoy called to the watchers.

I could not possibly love this more. Her hat has a bow that matches her dress and a flamingo wearing a hat. Yes, please, a million times. Also, is it just me or do those flamingos look just a little bit resigned and annoyed?

And finally, the reason most of us get out of bed theses days - Johnny and Tara!

Perfection. Always and forever.

Elementary School Crushes, in order

1. The tiniest boy in class with the bright blue eyes.

2. That kid with gigantic ears.

3. That kid who I liked for one day before we became BFFs and then we wrote plays together and he taught me all of the dances to Madonna and Janet Jackson because of course he did.

4. My 4th grade teacher who encouraged me to work hard and be a smart kid.

5. The kid who was just slightly smarter than me.

6. That other kid who was just slightly smarter than me.

7. That kid who was really dumb but super sweet.

8. The boy my best friend liked, but that crush only happened for like a day because I was afraid I was missing out on some great hunk of a boy to have a crush on but then realized that it's better if you and your best friend don't have crushes on the same person.

9. The kid with gigantic ears again, but only for a hot minute.

10. That boy who looked just like Eddie Furlong and listened to Metallica and watched Star Trek.

11. Captain Picard.

12. The shortest boy in class who thought he was a surfer rock god.

13. The kid who never said anything because he must think really deep thoughts.

14. That blonde boy who never looked at me twice even though there were like 40 kids in our whole class.

15. Eddie Vedder. Forever and always.

The Truth About Leggings

My dear readers, I feel I have let you down. To be fair, I've also let myself down. I bought leggings.

I know. I was in Target, doing that thing where you go to Target to get a gift for your friend's adorable three year old and then all of a sudden you're buying shampoo and nail polish and unripe avocados and a bubble machine (and batteries and backup bubbles because you are a nice friend) aaaaaaand leggings. And a bra that you will eventually take back because you picked up "B" instead of "D." And of course they don't have that color in D. Or they do and it's a 32 D and who the hell exactly wears that size? Because that is some Barbie-proportioned shenanigans.

So, yeah. Leggings. But here's the truth about leggings: that shit is comfortable.

I know. Now, obviously, I am not going to violate Rule #1 of Way Too Shay Nation (Leggings Are Not Pants) but I will say leggings are making me feel just a little more secure today. The plaid shirt dress I love ever-so-much is just a mite too short and I usually just throw on some black tights and boots (because 1994) and decide that it's okay for my shirt dress to be a little more shirt than dress. But with leggings? I'm not worried about Joe Commuter glimpsing more thigh that is necessary on the 47 bus. I mean, seriously, Joe Commuter - if you want to glimpse the these thighs, you'd better buy a ticket (shameless plug).

There you go, my dear readers. Up is down, black is white, and leggings are comfortable. But they will never, ever be pants.

Good for Whomping

Hello, my dear readers. I know I've neglected you but the end of the awards show season runs directly into my busiest time at work and I had to, you know, work a lot. Next week is the big conference and I promise I'll get on the whole updating WTS more often after that.

That said... let's talk about online dating. Because WOOF, you guys.

I was fooled by the SortaFineCupid in the beginning. I went on two dates and the second of those dates turned into a lovely relationship with a lovely person. My friends warned me that I was lucky and had no idea how much grossness awaited me. I did not believe them. I was a fool.

The first message I got after reactivating my account was KickMyBalls01 asking "So have you ever kicked a guy in the balls before?"

 

Listen, some of the messages are nice. Some are from my friends being all, you know, awesome like my friends. Some of the people I meet are pretty great. A lot of the messages either just say "hi" or are just a smiley face - THE WORST. Oh, how I hate emoticons. Sometimes people are vaguely mean. But then... today...

WAIT. I should probably tell you that in my profile I mention that I have lovely skin because it's true. Okay. Now you know that.  Here's exactly what I got today.

'lovely skin', good for whomping on, certainly

 

So, I guess the moral of the story is I don't like getting emails on a dating site about getting "whomped."