Emmy Awards 2012: The Good, The Bad, and The Meh!

Here we are once again, dear readers! It's a beautiful day to critique gowns, don't you think? We'll go Good-Meh-Bad, as usual. Lots of color this time around, though unfortunately much of it is yellow. I personally cannot pull off yellow, therefore I don't think other white girls should wear it. It's a thing. But before we get into the good, I need to address this couple because we have a little bit of Good and a little bit of Is That A Tan Lace Pantsuit!?

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi!

Ellen looks chic as hell - love the cut of the suit, love the scarf accent. Portia looks like she just got done having cocktails with Blanche and Sophia on the lanai. Portia, darling, we all need a little Dorothy Zbornak in our lives but you are not yet 40 years old. Now is not the time to start reminiscing about St. Olaf's.

THE GOOD

Tina Fey!

BLAMMO! I don't know what happened but all of a sudden our patron saint is shutting it down! Gorgeous color, awesome detail on the neckline, good hair and makeup. Say it with me, though: Could Use A Necklace (CUAN).

Kathy Griffin!

Another one who normally looks like a hot mess, turning it out. Normally I think this would be a lot of dress, but Kathy is working it. Cute hair, too.



Ginnifer Goodwin!

I also can't wear orange, so I would normally zop this... but it's a pretty great dress and she is wearing the hell out of it. Beautifully done.

Archie Panjabi!

I can't wrap my head around what it must be like to be this stunningly beautiful. The dress is cool, the color is a dream, and her hair is just right. CUAN, though.

Jane Krakowski!

While this is a fairly standard look for Ms. K, she's knocking it out of the park. Her hair looks amazing. I wonder if she stood in front of a fan set to low and then just sprayed the hell out of her hair to get that breezy look.

Kat Dennings!

Classiest, prettiest motorboat patrol EVER. Obviously, CUAN...a very large one just dripping with diamonds. That is a lot of real estate without a necklace.

Nicole Kidman!

It's a little bit Ice Phoenix Ode To The Vagina, but I find this to be quite a striking look for her. I still miss her old face and red hair.

Julia Louis Dreyfus!

Julia, please stop being so fabulous - you're making the rest of us look bad. (PS- there were a few gowns in this oxblood color and now I have decided I need to buy a dress this color. It's totally flattering.)

Jessica Lange!

Stunning, appropriate, beautifully styled.

Hayden Panettiere!

Okay, let's be real - she is too short for this dress. HOWEVER, what a stunning dress and how well styled! I don't normally say this to Hayden Panettiere, but go 'head girl!

Giuliana Rancic!

Again, credit where it's due: she looks terrific.

Jessica Pare!

Stunning, stop-in-your-tracks look. I don't know if I love this dress, but I love it on her. And check that cocktail ring - perfect.


Kerry Washington!

Hi, I'm Kerry Washington, and I'm perfect.
Kiernan Shipka!

Ladylike, pretty, age-appropriate, classic.

Amy Poehler!

This may be a personal best for our other patron saint. It's cut a littttttttle wide in the neckline, but she still looks dynamite. THIS is how we do the first public event after a breakup. (PS - RIP Amy + Will)

Sarah Hyland!

I'm not going to lie - this kid is one of my consistent red carpet favorites. Pretty, feminine, youthful, flirty. Yup - practically perfect.

Elisabeth Moss!

I'm a little confused about why she is blonde right now, but I am digging the floral mullet dress. THAT is not a sentence I ever anticipated typing. Whatever, it looks good on her.

Padma Lakshmi!

It's fairly standard, and it CUAN, but no one does this look better than Padma. She just makes it look so easy.

Martha Plimpton!

It's a little bit "fancy table cloth at the olde saloon" but I kind of love this dress. She knows she looks good, too.

Ariel Winter!

The shoes might be a bit heavy, but I think this is sweet and totally age appropriate. Her hair is totes adorable too. I am so in love with side buns right now.


Christina Hendricks!

As I texted reader Bon last night, VaVOOM. I'm not in love with the color but she's working it. Dig the belt. Adore the hair.

Julianne Hough!

I actually like the pairing of the Gatsby-inspired hair with the deco-inspired dress. This color is a DREAM on her. CUAN.

Rico Rodriguez!

I'm not going to highlight too many men this year. Let's just assume that most looked great, Peter Dinklage (as always) is best dressed, and that there were a couple of guys who decided to try to wear a pop-o-color shirt with their tux and it went badly wrong. But how could I not highlight Rico? On anyone older this would look a bit like he was going as a fancy mobster for Halloween, but he's somehow able to make this look suave. Go 'head boy!

THE MEH

Christine Baranski!

Oh, mamacita. You're legs say "still got it," but your dress says "I would like to appear four inches shorter than I am."
January Jones!

Neck-down: YES. Excellent (if slightly terrifying) dress. Neck-up: YIKES. Fire your stylist.

Brooke Burke!

Welcome, everyone, to the Brooke Burke Magic Eye Poster! What do you see? It's a dildo! It's a vagina! It's a schooner! It's ... a shame, really, because other than the labia majora in the middle of her dress, she looks great.
Sophia Vergara!

Hey look! It's Sophia Vergara in a shimmery dress that absolutely hugs her curves! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Anna Chlumsky!

The thing is, I don't hate the dress, but it's a little heavy and matronly. It's okay if you squint... but that's not a good way to dress oneself. Maybe Thomas J. wasn't the only one who couldn't see without his glasses. (ooooh, burn!)

Kaley Cuoco!

Is she drunk? I like the shape. I guess. CUAN, among other things like makeup and a different hairdo.

Lucy Liu!

I'm not saying Lucy Liu doesn't look great. I'm just saying that girls were checking their lipstick all night in Lucy Liu's sternum.
Allison Williams

I'm not sure I saw anyone from Girls looking awesome. Allison did best of all, which isn't exactly a huge compliment. The color on this is great but it's far more complicated than it needs to be. And a skosh too long.

Leslie Mann!

I'm super digging the turquoise jewelry with the yellow skirt, but to quote The Silver Fox Tim Gunn, it looks a little "happy hands at home granny circle."

Kristen Wiig!

I can't with this one. It's ... ugh. WHAT ARE THOSE SHOES!?

La Klum!

Last night, I facebook'd (it's a verb) that La Klum showed up looking decent. I stand by that, even though I was not aware of the loin cloth quality to this dress until this morning. It's a little bit Malibu Barbie On The Rebound, yes? Of course, Heidi makes it look pretty... for which we can all hate her.

Julie Bowen!

MY EYES! MY EYES! THE BURNING! But I like the shape of the dress on her. Keep trying, Bowen. You'll get there someday.

Kelly Osbourne!

Snoozefest.

Hamm and Westfeldt

Snoozefest Part 2. And, Jessica, I still haven't forgiven you for that terrible movie Friends With Kids.

Sarah Paulson!

This could have been amazing. Black was not the right accent color, however. Silver would have been beautiful. Those shoes are a disaster and the hair is all wrong and it CUAN.

Zooey Deschanel!

It's pretty, it's ethereal, it looks like it got caught in the door of the limo. Love the hair and makeup, but if a dress ever needed a giant necklace, it's this one.

Connie Britton!

Neck-down: AMAZING. Perfect, gorgeous, yes! Neck-up: old school Patty Duke.

THE BAD

Julianne Moore!

Guess who's really into Sister Wives?????

Morena Baccarin!

EW. It's dull, saggy, and has far too much going on from bust to thighs. Go home and start over.
Julianna Margulies!

Oh this old thing? You'll never believe it but it used to be a bedspread in my grandmother's house! YOU'RE ON PROBATION, MARGULIES!

Edie Falco!

Please excuse Edie- she had to run here straight from an audition for the new Broadway play "Natural? What Is Natural? - The Donatella Versace Story."

Emilia Clarke!

Ladies, when you have a hard time deciding whether to wear a long dress or a short dress, why not just wear both? It definitely won't look like you're about to do the Mother Ginger routine from the Nutcracker.

Ashley Judd!

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!

Glenn Close!

Eek! That is one terrifying dress! It looks like the wall art from some insufferable "contemporary" restaurant in 1987.

Michelle Dockery!

Hickory, Dockery, Dock
My god, I hate your frock
It puts me to sleep
AND it looks cheap
Hickory, Dockery, Dock

Lena Headey!

In tonight's performance of Kiss of the Spider Woman, the role of Aurora will be played by Lena Headey.

Kate Mara!

A) Smizing is not your forte. B) That dress is awful. C) Please never wear that hairstyle again.

Zosia Mamet!

What is happening with this dress? Everything about this is bad. I can't even.

Amanda Peet!

If someone said to you "peach lace sack dress," would you respond, "Perfect! I love looking shapeless on the red carpet!" ? If you were Amanda Peet, you bet your ass you would.

Alexandra Breckenridge!

What hath Angelina wrought?

Jena Malone!

The nicest thing I can say about this dress is that at least this time she doesn't look like the personification of teenage angst.

Emily VanCamp!

Dirty water, ghost lining, sad hair, daytime makeup. Please try again.

Melissa McCarthy!

The cut of the dress is decent, but the material just absolutely ruins it. Instead of looking chic and stylish, she looks like she's going to a funeral at the Renn Faire. Yea, verily, I am sorry for your loss.

Claire Danes!

Pregnant or not, you don't have to wear a bath towel/potato sack in the worst possible color for your skin tone. Please discontinue enrollment at the Natalie Portman School For Red Carpet Pregnancy. You are better than this, Danes. Better, I say!

Lena Dunham!

Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.

Things I Found While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

My dear readers, next week the lovely city of Vancouver will be hosting my show, Chlamydia dell'Arte: A Sex-Ed Burlesque, during their Fringe Festival. I am very excited! I am also woefully underprepared because I have not yet renewed my passport. Thus, this week I have the honor and excitement of paying roughly one million dollars for an expedited passport. The easiest way to get a new passport is to bring the old one. So I had to look for it.

Things I Found While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

* (Expired) condoms

* (Expired) coupons for all sorts of things (Le Creuset pots, hair dye, Lean Pockets)

* (Expired) batteries (presumably to be used in moments when the (expired) condoms were not even a glimmer in the eye...)

* (Expired) AAA cards

* (Very old) pay stubs

* (Very old) love letters sent from Europe

* (Very old) photos of my family

* (Very old) journals full of (very terrible) poetry

* One pair of earrings I thought had been lost forever

* One webcam I was supposed to gift to a friend's mother about 4 years ago

* One decent poem about dance parties in college

* One empty box

* Two small moleskine notebooks that look EXACTLY like (expired) passports until you open them and realize they are filled with casting information for shows that closed many moons ago

* Two sets of earbuds, each broken on the left

* Two lovely cards from a lovely man

* Two angry letters that I'm glad I never sent

* About a thousand thank you cards for birthdays and housewarmings that were similarly not sent...APPARENTLY

* About a thousand copies of CDA postcards, flyers, reviews, and scripts

* About a thousand postcards for shows I never went to see

* About a thousand (very terrible) poems written on little slips of paper

* About a thousand dust bunnies


Things I Did Not Find While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

* My (expired) passport

Alphabetical Advice... to myself

So things are a bit cray-cray in TooShay Towne (I added the "e" to make it fancy), so I think I need some advice. Luckily, I absolutely love giving advice, so I'm going to give myself some right now. For your reading pleasure. And we're going to do it alphabetically because why not!? If this advice has been gleaned from elsewhere, it will be attributed in (parentheses).

Abs workouts feel good and bad at the same time, so just do it anyway.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. (American College Student Code of Conduct)
Carrots, celery, cherries: yes. Chocolate, chicken wings, cheezypoofs: no.
Drink all the water you can handle.
Every day is fresh with no mistakes in it. (Anne of Green Gables)
Forgive the people who hurt you, but don't forget how you got to the point of being hurt.
Get a grip, lady!
Hold steady to your dreams, goals, and values.
I really don't think you need that last glass of wine.
Just keep swimming. (Finding Nemo)
Kale is really, really good for you. Eat some.
Love is always worth throwing yourself completely into, even if it doesn't work out.
Mom and Dad and Sister are only trying to help - be nice!
No one deserves to be on the receiving end of your attitude problems.
OPP, yeah you know me. (Naughty By Nature)
Please, thank you, you're welcome, I'm sorry, and how are you are all words and phrases to be said sincerely.
Quiet time is necessary, especially when things get tough.
Real women ask for help and bourbon.
Style. Please infuse your wardrobe with the style you know it should hold. It's time.
Try to be gentle with yourself. Those little jabs and stabs you are sure people are thinking? They're just in your head, so you don't have to say it first.
Undergarments. Please purchase attractive undergarments. Just for you. Just because.
Vera Wang was really good at figure skating but she didn't make the Olympic team. So she just became the most famous wedding dress designer in the history of ever. And so, remember: A career change is always an option.
Weave your stories, sure, but focus on having experiences instead of doing something just for the hilarious story it will be one day.
You have proven a million times that you'll be fine. So be fine.
Zany is okay, but poised and graceful are now to be cultivated.

Things I See On The Ground In South Philly

* Tumbleweave

* 8 empty bottles of Corona Light, in a line

* Full pack of Newports, soaking wet

* Report card (decent grades)

* Transpass

* Student Transpass

* Shell necklace

* House keys

* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand this...

Things I Want to Tell You, Dear Readers

Hello my dear 6 readers! I know I've been sort of absent lately and that you don't want to hear my excuses, so I won't make them. INSTEAD I will tell you that I've challenged myself to update this site far more frequently from now on. We shall see how it goes, but I have a ton of things to share.

I want to tell you about the amazing dinner I had a few weeks ago at Talula's Table.

I want to tell you about all of the things I have seen on the sidewalks of South Philly lately.

I want to tell you about the evils of those sticky bra cup things and how, yes, they will rip the skin right off your boobs.

I want to tell you about how angry I am on the whole "legitimate rape/that whole thing" issue. And also I want to tell you that I'm going to name my next band That Whole Thing and our drum will have a drawing of a vulva on it.

I want to tell you about Pussy Riot and how even with the "that whole thing" mess, it's still a pretty awesome thing to live in America.

I will tell you all of these things, so stay tuned! But for now? I need to tell you about the new amazing hair volumizer I bought:

you shall now worship me as your god.

HOLY. CRAP. IT. IS. AWESOME. You guys know that I'm a white girl with fine hair from Jersey and, as such, have always wanted big, beautiful Jerz hair. I seriously have tried everything. Bumble and Bumble Thickening Spray, mousse, gel, Big Sexy Hair Root Pump Spray (and BSH hairspray), back-combing, teasing, etc. When I heard about this powder I immediately needed to have it. I searched every drugstore in Philadelphia (within a 4 block radius of my home and office) but it just was nowhere. Where did I end up finding it? South Jersey, of course!

I'm not going to lie to you: this stuff is a little weird and I'm not entirely convinced that I'm not putting dangerous chemicals on my head that will someday cause me to grow a third nipple. But I don't care because it WORKS. Shake some dry powder onto your roots, rub it around and poof: volume. I am so happy this day has finally come. Thank you, hair fairies!

In loving memory of Clint the fish

My dear, sweet, darling fish died yesterday. I was far more attached to Clint than I ever meant to be and loved him way more than I'd expect anyone to love a pet they couldn't cuddle.

Clint was one of four fish purchased for Flashpoint's production of Boom back 3 years or so ago. We only needed one or two fish onstage but figured they'd all die. We named them like hurricanes, so he was originally called Armando. To our amazement, Clint   Armando did every performance. He was a born star - swimming front and center in the tank as soon as the characters started talking about him.

you can't really see him, but he's there



After the show ended, someone needed to adopt the fish. Without really consulting the person I was living with, I volunteered. I figured, How long can a fish live, really? Turns out the answer is: a long freaking time.

Clint had to be carefully moved from the theatre to the apartment. Not long thereafter, he had to be moved to the new house my ex bought. Not terribly long thereafter, he had to be moved to my temporary residence at my best friend's house. About a month later, he had to be moved to my new place where he eventually shuffled off this mortal coil. My amazing sister was very patient about moving Clint every time. She dealt with gross aquarium water sloshing around the back and front of her car. She drove very slowly because I was freaking out about Clint being okay. On the way to the latest home, we decided to stop for some McDonalds. It was November, so Clint had to come in with us lest he get too cold in the car.

He reaaaaaaaaaally did not enjoy this. Maybe it was the Filet O'Fish or the florescent lighting but he just really hated it and started ramming against the side of his transport device. It was not the most fun moment of my life.

Clint was part of two of my solo shows at home, though he didn't have any cues to learn for either of them. He was just there to add to the ambiance. He loved the rock in his tank. He loved to jump. He was enormous and hearty. He will be sorely missed.

glub glub, buddy.



Let Go

Full disclosure: this might be SUPER TRITE. Let's just acknowledge that and get on to the post.

I just lived through a fairly challenging yoga class. I've gained weight in the past few months which is making multiple things difficult at the moment (such as jeans, forward folds, and looking at pictures of myself). I'm being incredibly hard on myself about it because I said I'd never get back to this weight and here I am. I'm in dresses I had hoped would never fit again. I can't fit into the super cute jeans I got for Christmas. I feel disgusting and unattractive.

I have this little brain scar about my weight. This little brain scar tells me that I'm only desirable at a size 8, between 130-135 pounds. This little brain scar tells me that as I get older it'll naturally be more difficult to lose weight so I can't go running around being frivolous now. I had frivolity: it was called ages 22 to 25. This little brain scar tells me that if I'm not in excellent shape before I have children that I will be hideous after having children and that the person I've had said children with will no longer love me. This little brain scar reminds me that I'm not loveable at 150 lbs.

Today I am 151 lbs.

Let's be real: that brain scar is an asshole. That brain scar lies to me! It's a total dick about fooling me into feeling unworthy - but just me! It's the kind of backstabber that plants little thoughts like, "All of these women who are bigger or smaller or exactly your size are beautiful and fabulous, just not you." And since the call is coming from inside the house, so to speak, this makes me want to punch myself in the face.

But punching myself in the face isn't actually going to work. There's this unbelievably lovely yoga teaching that says if something is challenging or hurts, instead of giving up you just sort of breathe through it and see if it changes. Shift slightly, focus on breathing (meaning you are alive and this is not killing you), and realize that this isn't forever. At most, this challenging moment will last for, what? A minute? Two minutes? And then something else will happen. Maybe the next thing will also be challenging, but at the very least you'll be fortified by the knowledge that you got through the previous challenging minute or two. Or maybe the next thing will feel amazing or can be easily accomplished by your body, which gives you a different sense of fortification.

I struggle with that part of breathing and just sitting through the challenge. I know my challenge right now is how I'm viewing myself and dealing with these negative ghost feelings while I do the work required to get back to where I want to be, physically. But then, today, in yoga my instructor tossed out a few little words that changed everything.

"This is an easy little mantra if you're feeling like your mind is racing: breathe in and silently say the word 'LET,' breathe out and silently say the word 'GO.'"

Let. Go. Let. Go. Let Go.

It's amazing how the simplest answers can be so powerfully effective.

This is about food, not sad and scary world events

Oh my god, you guys: the summer of lard has reared its ugly head. One of my dearest friends of all time, Mr. Mike, was visiting Philly this weekend and we decided that we'd do our best to pump as much fat and sugar into our systems as possible to celebrate.

Friday Night: epic happy hour at Farmicia + dinner at National Mechanics
Lessons Learned: Um, Pimms Cup is delicious? Who knew?
Unfortunate Event: I may or may not have flashed my bra but NO ONE WAS LOOKING except my friends.

Saturday Morning/Afternoon: Federal Donuts fried chicken + donuts. All the donuts. All the fried chicken.
Lessons Learned: That shit is delicious, y'all. Za'atar rub for the win.
Unfortunate Event: We ate all of the fried chicken and all of the donuts and then were full for the rest of the day into the night.

abandon all waistlines, ye who enter here

(photo by Sara)

Saturday Night: Gianfranco's pizza, a lovely green salad, Doritos, pretzels, beer, wine, jello shots ('cause we're all in our 30s now?), homemade pickles, and fresh cherry tomatoes
Lessons Learned: It's possible to snarf a jello shot and have it spray all over the walls. I didn't snarf it, I just cleaned it up.
Unfortunate Event: Polishing off the bag of Doritos between 3 people before anyone else showed up.

Sunday Afternoon: Backyard cookout with hand-formed burgers and homemade tomato jam, ballpark franks, cucumber tomato salad, Suddenly Salad (my favorite food from a box), homemade salsa, hummus and veggies, white sangria. AND THEN MIKE MADE THESE AMAZING TRIPLE CITRUS CUPCAKES THAT WERE AMAZING.
Lessons Learned: Apparently, it was possible for us to continue eating.
Unfortunate Event: Serious gas.

Sunday Evening: Rita's Water Ice
Lessons Learned: Sometimes you just want soft serve and that is okay.
Unfortunate Event: Soft serve for dinner to cap off a truly disgusting delicious weekend of eating.

Mike's on his way back to Chicago today and I will miss him for sure. So far today I have had a cup of coffee this morning and a big salad for lunch. And I went to pilates class. And I'm making salsa chicken in the crock pot for dinner. Back on track!

Things that go through your brain when you are super tired

* I prefer wearing underwear to going commando.

* Why is 7:30 an acceptable bedtime for children but not adults?

* If I go to bed when I get home will it be a nap or a bedtime?

* How did I used to function on 4 hours of sleep a night? Does 10 years really make that much of a difference?

* What is up with jeans suits!? First Timberlake, now Pacey?

* And a v-neck under it?! Diane must want to kill him.

* I wonder if I'll ever be the kind of woman who could tactfully make a man change out of a bad outfit and into a good one. I've never successfully done that.

* I could never do that no shampooing thing.

* I love ice water.

* Does anyone but me know that my legs are in severe need of a shave?

* I wonder if going to happy hour will make me violate bar rule #1 or if it will just make the day better.

* Can I leave now?

Books I've Wanted To Live In

Harry Potter and the All Of The Everything
Truthfully,  I don't want to live in Little Whinging or in the damn tent during all of the "Gloom Camping" but I have often fantasized about living in Hogwarts or staying over in the Leaky Cauldron. It's not just the magic... okay, it's mostly the magic. I was able to visit Hogsmeade once and that was pretty sweet.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Ever since I read this book as a young girl, I have wanted to sit on the fire escape of some city apartment building with a good book and some peppermint candies. The comfort and luxury of small things like a cup of coffee seems all the sweeter when it's really all there is.

Anne of Green Gables
I think this might be more about hanging out with Marilla and Matthew than actually living at Green Gables. It might also be a little bit about the clothes and using slates for schoolwork and the academic competition with (sigh) Gilbert Blythe.

Little Women
Reading to Aunt March in her drafty old manor, doing homework on slates (again), writing by candlelight, scandals over stolen gloves, hanging out with Marmee... but especially putting on plays in the attic. Perfect.

The Betsy-Tacy Series
Turn of the 20th century Minnesota? Fancy hairstyles? A dress maker comes to the house every summer to make your school clothes? Eating dinner with your best friends at the top of a hill? Picnics? Yes to all of this. Mostly, though, I just want to go to one of Mr. Ray's Sunday night lunches and eat his onion sandwiches.

Franny and Zooey
Oh to be part of the Glass family, even for just a moment! Not that I want Bessie to watch me take a bath, but you know what I mean. I just want a bowl of consecrated chicken soup.

Bridget Jones' Diary
This one is a little easier to realize. If Bridget Jones was set in South Philly, it would practically be about my life except that I prefer pinot noir to chardonnay. Singletons unite!

Carter Beats The Devil
Again with the magic - but this time it's stage magic. 1920s, a romantic and mysterious blind woman, impossible escape, adventure, history... I kind of just want to live in the language of this book.

Face and hair and products OH MY

I decided this morning that I need to confess something to you, my dear readers. I have been wearing makeup again. I rediscovered the joy of makeup (thanks, in part, to big dark eyebrows being very now) and also I dyed my hair redder and find that I need a little "hey hello" on my face, if you know what I'm saying.

One thing is very odd: I have noticed for the first time that my eyes are ever so slightly different shapes. I often noticed in pictures that one of my eyes looks more closed than the other, but never figured out why.

You see what I mean? The left eye? Of course you do.



This makes my life hard sometimes, like when I'm trying to do symmetrical eye makeup. Oh lordy, how I must toil to make my liquid eyeliner look decent! But makeup isn't really that hard. I've been doing it for over half my life and I enjoy it. Fighting with my hair is a different story.

My hair has been through it all...

bangs...

long...

blonde...

black...

brown...

red...

permed... (no photo available, thank god)...

But the thing my hair has never had is body. Oh how I wish for big, huge hair. I am from New Jersey for pete's sake! I should be able to pump up my hair! I use this crazy thick mousse, I have used a thickening spray, I tried pomades and lotions and powders and gels and all sorts of things. I have spent many dollars on hair products that promise me Big Sexy Hair and yet... limp and sad. Maybe someday I'll get my wish and my hair can look this amazing...

Until then, I suppose I'll just keep trying products.

Rules you can actually use

My dear readers, I hope you had a lovely mid-week holiday. My lovely roommate and I ventured out last night for a very American dinner at one of our local mexican restaurants. Nothing says Independence Day like a pitcher of margaritas and some awesome salad. While we were there, we heard the servers complain in astonishment about a couple who ran out on a $75 check and we witnessed a drunk man a) fall asleep at his table, and b) walk down the street carrying a glass of iced coffee that the waitstaff made for him. A real glass. He just took it and walked down the street. His server decided it wasn't worth the trouble to chase him.

This made me think of one of the earliest lessons my dad ever taught me: do not fall asleep on/at the bar. Perhaps not an appropriate lesson for a 7 year old, but it has served me well since then. I thought that I would impart some other lessons to you, my dear readers! Think of this as The Rules if The Rules was actually helpful to your life.

not pictured: the drunk dude just to the left outside the frame.

* Do not fall asleep on/at the bar. You will be kicked out and it's really bad form.

* NEVER dine and dash. How can you live with yourself if you do this? Seriously. If you don't have the money to go out, don't go out.

* If you cannot afford to tip, you cannot afford to drink. That's it. There is no way around this.

* Not that this ever happened to me* but if you manage to get yourself thrown out of a bar, do not argue, do not fight. Go quietly. You may not return to that bar or restaurant for a full 2 weeks AT LEAST.

* If you return to a bar you were thrown out of, be as quiet and courteous as possible. Tip heavily. Be nice. Don't bring it up.

* Know what you want to drink before you start speaking to the bartender. There are probably lots of people waiting for drinks and your hemming and hawing is not cute. It is one thing to ask what beers are on tap, it is an entirely different thing to stand there being like, "Hrmm, what do I want? What. Do. I. Want. Do I want a gin rickey? Noooo....Maybe a glass of wine? Um, come back to me..." That bartender is never coming back, my friend.

* Similarly, know where you are. Don't order a margarita in a brew pub. Don't ask for a lager at a wine bar. If you're not sure, pay attention to what everyone is drinking and let that help you make an informed decision.

* But it's okay to get suggestions sometimes if you are stymied and the bar isn't jam packed.
WRONG: "What do you like to drink here?"
RIGHT: "I really like dark beers, especially porters. Do you have anything close on tap?"

* Brew pubs or places with interesting draft lists that constantly change are the best places to ask for a taste or a sample so that you know what you're getting before you order a full glass.

* No more than 2 samples, though. Seriously. That's just rude.

* There is never any need to make a big deal out of not wanting alcohol in a bar. Just order your club soda and leave it at that.

* Oh! Bartenders and the like are on your side! A few years ago my friend found out she was pregnant but wasn't ready to tell the world. Unfortunately, she had a number of occasions of going out with friends who would know something was up if she didn't drink. So she conspired with the bartender to give her a seltzer and cranberry juice with a lime in the same glass it would be served if that seltzer was vodka. The bartender thought the game was fun and the friend got to keep her secret until she was ready to announce.

* Always be nice and engage with your bartender but never be fooled into thinking a cute bartender is going to make out with you. They are not. (USUALLY. That is another story for another time.)

* Tip well, smile, be polite, have fun!


*Bachelorette party 9 years ago. Cuba Libre. I've never been back.

I'monna be real with you...

What is more American than consumerism?

To celebrate the 4th of July (my second favorite holiday) and because I just got paid, I am going to indulge in the sale at Old Navy and buy all of their t-shirts.

Last week I wandered in there and picked up two of the "vintage style" v-necks because they were $7 each if you bought two or more. Y'all. I am going back tonight to buy every color they have. They are comfortable, adorable, easy, and I got a lot of compliments on my boobs when I was wearing it.

This is not the first time I have found something I liked and then just got it in a bunch of different colors. I tend to do that  - I do it with cheap ballet flats, camp-style shirts, sundresses, tights. Do you do this?


Happy 4th of July, Americans! Happy Wednesday, non-Americans! If you see me, please feel free to tell my my boobs look nice. I appreciate that sort of thing.