Things I Found While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

My dear readers, next week the lovely city of Vancouver will be hosting my show, Chlamydia dell'Arte: A Sex-Ed Burlesque, during their Fringe Festival. I am very excited! I am also woefully underprepared because I have not yet renewed my passport. Thus, this week I have the honor and excitement of paying roughly one million dollars for an expedited passport. The easiest way to get a new passport is to bring the old one. So I had to look for it.

Things I Found While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

* (Expired) condoms

* (Expired) coupons for all sorts of things (Le Creuset pots, hair dye, Lean Pockets)

* (Expired) batteries (presumably to be used in moments when the (expired) condoms were not even a glimmer in the eye...)

* (Expired) AAA cards

* (Very old) pay stubs

* (Very old) love letters sent from Europe

* (Very old) photos of my family

* (Very old) journals full of (very terrible) poetry

* One pair of earrings I thought had been lost forever

* One webcam I was supposed to gift to a friend's mother about 4 years ago

* One decent poem about dance parties in college

* One empty box

* Two small moleskine notebooks that look EXACTLY like (expired) passports until you open them and realize they are filled with casting information for shows that closed many moons ago

* Two sets of earbuds, each broken on the left

* Two lovely cards from a lovely man

* Two angry letters that I'm glad I never sent

* About a thousand thank you cards for birthdays and housewarmings that were similarly not sent...APPARENTLY

* About a thousand copies of CDA postcards, flyers, reviews, and scripts

* About a thousand postcards for shows I never went to see

* About a thousand (very terrible) poems written on little slips of paper

* About a thousand dust bunnies


Things I Did Not Find While Looking For My (Expired) Passport

* My (expired) passport