So things are a bit cray-cray in TooShay Towne (I added the "e" to make it fancy), so I think I need some advice. Luckily, I absolutely love giving advice, so I'm going to give myself some right now. For your reading pleasure. And we're going to do it alphabetically because why not!? If this advice has been gleaned from elsewhere, it will be attributed in (parentheses).
Abs workouts feel good and bad at the same time, so just do it anyway.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. (American College Student Code of Conduct)
Carrots, celery, cherries: yes. Chocolate, chicken wings, cheezypoofs: no.
Drink all the water you can handle.
Every day is fresh with no mistakes in it. (Anne of Green Gables)
Forgive the people who hurt you, but don't forget how you got to the point of being hurt.
Get a grip, lady!
Hold steady to your dreams, goals, and values.
I really don't think you need that last glass of wine.
Just keep swimming. (Finding Nemo)
Kale is really, really good for you. Eat some.
Love is always worth throwing yourself completely into, even if it doesn't work out.
Mom and Dad and Sister are only trying to help - be nice!
No one deserves to be on the receiving end of your attitude problems.
OPP, yeah you know me. (Naughty By Nature)
Please, thank you, you're welcome, I'm sorry, and how are you are all words and phrases to be said sincerely.
Quiet time is necessary, especially when things get tough.
Real women ask for help and bourbon.
Style. Please infuse your wardrobe with the style you know it should hold. It's time.
Try to be gentle with yourself. Those little jabs and stabs you are sure people are thinking? They're just in your head, so you don't have to say it first.
Undergarments. Please purchase attractive undergarments. Just for you. Just because.
Vera Wang was really good at figure skating but she didn't make the Olympic team. So she just became the most famous wedding dress designer in the history of ever. And so, remember: A career change is always an option.
Weave your stories, sure, but focus on having experiences instead of doing something just for the hilarious story it will be one day.
You have proven a million times that you'll be fine. So be fine.
Zany is okay, but poised and graceful are now to be cultivated.