2019 Oscars Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

We got shredded skirts, delicious desserts, a little bit of fetish wear, pink on pink on pink, and a big surprise for you at the end.

THE BAD

SZA!

Reader Lo sent this photo to me with a note that just said "Whyyy Meghann why lol." And I have to agree: why AND lol. Quite beyond the skirt getting tragically caught in a paper shredder someone carelessly left on the red carpet, the top is not a great fit. I'm really sad that we didn't get to hear "All the Stars" during the Oscars and just as sad that SZA wore a dress so undeserving of her.

Emma Stone!

Nope, still incorrect. Additionally, I can see that she's going for a more understated makeup and hair story but the dress just absolutely overpowers with its full stroopwafel onslaught. 

Tessa Thompson!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Sarah Paulson!

Hrmmm I like how this ball skirt turned out but I'm not really sure what the top should be. OH I KNOW. I'll just put a matching bubble skirt up top and tack the middle of each together like Vivian's beginning outfit in Pretty Woman. PERFECT.

Awkwafina!

Another tragic foot-ectomy hits the red carpet. Looking at this photo I am now convinced that Awkwafina's legs grow directly out of her chin and just go straight down. Here, I made a drawing so you can see what I mean.

Right!??!?!

Olivia Colman!

Pansy Parkinson goes to the Oscars.

Maya Rudolph!

New from the Maya Rudolph Refuses To Wear Spanx line: CHILDHOOD BEDROOM FLORALS. Just in time for spring!

Rachel Weisz!

Plastique Fantastique indeed. What. A. Choice.

Gemma Chan!

Did she very seriously show up in duvet cover but make it fashion??? And why can we not see her knees??? This is a tough stuff look. In fact, I think it's a Full Patton.

Linda Cardellini!

Hey look it's knees. And miles and piles of tulle. And the largest bow this side of Angela Bassett's sleeve. And.... black pumps? Wait what? I mean if you're going to wear something like this why not go full force with a bonkers shoe too? OH WOULD THAT BE TOO MUCH? This is also a Full Patton.

Kacey Musgraves!

Did your grandmother have a Kacey Musgraves on top of the spare toilet paper roll in the bathroom because my Mom Mom definitely did. Yet another Full Patton.

That's right: THREE PATTONS TODAY. To paraphrase Winston Churchill, Never, never, never forget.