2019 Oscars Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Let the parade of almosts and borings begin!

THE MEH

Queen Latifah!

This is tough because watching the telecast I loved this gown and I loved how it looked on her but looking at this photo I am underwhelmed. I wonder if it just doesn't photograph as well as it looks live with all the lights hitting all of the sequins? I think the pattern is really cool and I'm here for Dana showing off her curves. 

Laura Dern!

Reader Stephanie said it best when she called this a "sad plum." There's something very Mother Of The Bride But I've Still Got It about this for me. It's not awful but it certainly needed to be steamed. There is a crease visible around the knees.

Emilia Clarke!

I happen to like this dress because I had the exact same one for my Barbies, but it's not an amazing color on her and it's too long in the front.

Amandla Stenberg!

This moved beautifully but I would have liked this with a different color corset and underskirt. Either match the color to her flesh tone to give that naked and dripping in jewels vibe or go fully silver under and on top. This peach is simply not working.

Allison Janney!

Wow is that the wrong necklace for this look. And this look is called Inexplicable Sash #1.

Nicholas Hoult and Joe Alwyn!

Inexplicable Sash #2. Did he have to hold that all night? How exhausting. As for Mr. Taylor Swift, something seems off between the length of the coat sleeves and the size of the bowtie in proportion to the lapels. 

Adam Driver (seen here with Joanne Tucker)!

That tie is too small and I don't love how skinny it is. 

Tyler Perry!

That tie is too small and I don't like how boxy it is.

Javier Bardem!

That tie is also too small and too boxy.

Viggo Mortensen!

That tie is okay but the pants are too long.

Jordan Peele (seen here with Chelsea Peretti)!

Those pants are too long! But I like that he has started dressing like the boss he is. He's basically taking meetings on the red carpet. Into it.

Stephan James!

This is very close for me. As we have established, I am on board for velvet tuxes now and I think this color is outstanding on him. However I am NOT on board for these droopy bowties and I certainly think that the color is just so slightly off from the tux. I would have gone with a white bowtie and almost any other shoe. Even those horrible things all the boys wore to the SAGs.

Charlize Theron!

The fit is outstanding on this but I think the dress is kind of boring. 

Seeing the back I'm very impressed about the boob support but, yeah, sorry, still bored.

Serena Williams!

She looks great but wow that dress is tight on her. Call me crazy but I want the ultimate GOAT to be able to breathe.

Lucy Boynton!

I've been staring at this concoction for a few days now and all I can think is wow that sure is purple, huh? This is perhaps a very high-end costume for Once Upon a Mattress co-starring Lucy Boynton as Lady Larkin. In a little while just a little while you and I will be thinking about something other than this dress.

Holland Taylor!

Later this evening Holland's cousin's daughter is getting married so she's just trying to split the difference on dress code. Honestly, the gloves are an inspired bit of fabulosity but jeezoman the length on this is awkward. 

Constance Wu!

The story is now cemented in my mind: Constance Wu has difficulties choosing gown colors that suit her. Yes, yes, I know it was a nod to Coldplay and the very specific version of the song in Crazy Rich Asians but that does not change the fact that this particular hue of yellow is not amazing on her. And when you are doing a grown up riff on Belle, it needs to really hit. Also the asymmetry on the top looks like a mistake. Here's my fix: this beautiful dress in a yellow about 2-3 shades lighter, and mimic the draping we see as the left side on both sides for that romantic sweep. And a necklace because that's a lot of open real estate. 

Letitia Wright!

This is very pretty but awfully matronly on her. Additionally, I would like it to hit the floor.

Krysten Ritter!

That is a well-tailored maternity gown! Too bad the shoes clash and the seams up top are so distracting from the rose motif.

Brie Larson!

I guess she's doing her best Naomi Watts impression. Snoozefest. 

Jennifer Hudson!

We've had some discussion over on facebook about how a lot of the fashions we've seen since the institution of the Patton Scale have far surpassed the horror we felt when first we saw that ruffled creation. Of course, the Full Patton will always be our anchor and a shorthand for worst look of the night so don't worry- it's not going anywhere. I have noticed recently that we are encountering a loop back around to large labial folds across the body so I think these kinds of looks are Patton-adjacent but not necessarily in a bad way. Let's just say they are Paula-esque. This is a very good example of something Paula-esque. I guess only one side of Jennifer was chilly.

KiKi Layne!

And I would say this is Paula-esque, surprise back ruffle edition. I do not love this dress but this color is gorgeous on her and the fit is stunning.

Amy Poehler!

This is one of my favorite Amy Poehler looks in recent memory. It's just too bad she had a total foot-ectomy before the ceremony. RIP Amy's feet.

Melissa McCarthy!

I quite like this look as well and I am similarly sending thoughts and prayers to Melissa McCarthy for the loss of her feet. May the perpetual light shine upon them.

Marina de Tavira!

All I can see is a small puppet stage on her torso. CUAN.

Angela Bassett!

What drama! This is a scroll-stopper. But... I don't love the fit on this dress and FURTHERMORE just because you can sit down in the limo does not mean you should.