2019 Oscars Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

We got shredded skirts, delicious desserts, a little bit of fetish wear, pink on pink on pink, and a big surprise for you at the end.

THE BAD

SZA!

Reader Lo sent this photo to me with a note that just said "Whyyy Meghann why lol." And I have to agree: why AND lol. Quite beyond the skirt getting tragically caught in a paper shredder someone carelessly left on the red carpet, the top is not a great fit. I'm really sad that we didn't get to hear "All the Stars" during the Oscars and just as sad that SZA wore a dress so undeserving of her.

Emma Stone!

Nope, still incorrect. Additionally, I can see that she's going for a more understated makeup and hair story but the dress just absolutely overpowers with its full stroopwafel onslaught. 

Tessa Thompson!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Sarah Paulson!

Hrmmm I like how this ball skirt turned out but I'm not really sure what the top should be. OH I KNOW. I'll just put a matching bubble skirt up top and tack the middle of each together like Vivian's beginning outfit in Pretty Woman. PERFECT.

Awkwafina!

Another tragic foot-ectomy hits the red carpet. Looking at this photo I am now convinced that Awkwafina's legs grow directly out of her chin and just go straight down. Here, I made a drawing so you can see what I mean.

Right!??!?!

Olivia Colman!

Pansy Parkinson goes to the Oscars.

Maya Rudolph!

New from the Maya Rudolph Refuses To Wear Spanx line: CHILDHOOD BEDROOM FLORALS. Just in time for spring!

Rachel Weisz!

Plastique Fantastique indeed. What. A. Choice.

Gemma Chan!

Did she very seriously show up in duvet cover but make it fashion??? And why can we not see her knees??? This is a tough stuff look. In fact, I think it's a Full Patton.

Linda Cardellini!

Hey look it's knees. And miles and piles of tulle. And the largest bow this side of Angela Bassett's sleeve. And.... black pumps? Wait what? I mean if you're going to wear something like this why not go full force with a bonkers shoe too? OH WOULD THAT BE TOO MUCH? This is also a Full Patton.

Kacey Musgraves!

Did your grandmother have a Kacey Musgraves on top of the spare toilet paper roll in the bathroom because my Mom Mom definitely did. Yet another Full Patton.

That's right: THREE PATTONS TODAY. To paraphrase Winston Churchill, Never, never, never forget. 

2019 Oscars Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Let the parade of almosts and borings begin!

THE MEH

Queen Latifah!

This is tough because watching the telecast I loved this gown and I loved how it looked on her but looking at this photo I am underwhelmed. I wonder if it just doesn't photograph as well as it looks live with all the lights hitting all of the sequins? I think the pattern is really cool and I'm here for Dana showing off her curves. 

Laura Dern!

Reader Stephanie said it best when she called this a "sad plum." There's something very Mother Of The Bride But I've Still Got It about this for me. It's not awful but it certainly needed to be steamed. There is a crease visible around the knees.

Emilia Clarke!

I happen to like this dress because I had the exact same one for my Barbies, but it's not an amazing color on her and it's too long in the front.

Amandla Stenberg!

This moved beautifully but I would have liked this with a different color corset and underskirt. Either match the color to her flesh tone to give that naked and dripping in jewels vibe or go fully silver under and on top. This peach is simply not working.

Allison Janney!

Wow is that the wrong necklace for this look. And this look is called Inexplicable Sash #1.

Nicholas Hoult and Joe Alwyn!

Inexplicable Sash #2. Did he have to hold that all night? How exhausting. As for Mr. Taylor Swift, something seems off between the length of the coat sleeves and the size of the bowtie in proportion to the lapels. 

Adam Driver (seen here with Joanne Tucker)!

That tie is too small and I don't love how skinny it is. 

Tyler Perry!

That tie is too small and I don't like how boxy it is.

Javier Bardem!

That tie is also too small and too boxy.

Viggo Mortensen!

That tie is okay but the pants are too long.

Jordan Peele (seen here with Chelsea Peretti)!

Those pants are too long! But I like that he has started dressing like the boss he is. He's basically taking meetings on the red carpet. Into it.

Stephan James!

This is very close for me. As we have established, I am on board for velvet tuxes now and I think this color is outstanding on him. However I am NOT on board for these droopy bowties and I certainly think that the color is just so slightly off from the tux. I would have gone with a white bowtie and almost any other shoe. Even those horrible things all the boys wore to the SAGs.

Charlize Theron!

The fit is outstanding on this but I think the dress is kind of boring. 

Seeing the back I'm very impressed about the boob support but, yeah, sorry, still bored.

Serena Williams!

She looks great but wow that dress is tight on her. Call me crazy but I want the ultimate GOAT to be able to breathe.

Lucy Boynton!

I've been staring at this concoction for a few days now and all I can think is wow that sure is purple, huh? This is perhaps a very high-end costume for Once Upon a Mattress co-starring Lucy Boynton as Lady Larkin. In a little while just a little while you and I will be thinking about something other than this dress.

Holland Taylor!

Later this evening Holland's cousin's daughter is getting married so she's just trying to split the difference on dress code. Honestly, the gloves are an inspired bit of fabulosity but jeezoman the length on this is awkward. 

Constance Wu!

The story is now cemented in my mind: Constance Wu has difficulties choosing gown colors that suit her. Yes, yes, I know it was a nod to Coldplay and the very specific version of the song in Crazy Rich Asians but that does not change the fact that this particular hue of yellow is not amazing on her. And when you are doing a grown up riff on Belle, it needs to really hit. Also the asymmetry on the top looks like a mistake. Here's my fix: this beautiful dress in a yellow about 2-3 shades lighter, and mimic the draping we see as the left side on both sides for that romantic sweep. And a necklace because that's a lot of open real estate. 

Letitia Wright!

This is very pretty but awfully matronly on her. Additionally, I would like it to hit the floor.

Krysten Ritter!

That is a well-tailored maternity gown! Too bad the shoes clash and the seams up top are so distracting from the rose motif.

Brie Larson!

I guess she's doing her best Naomi Watts impression. Snoozefest. 

Jennifer Hudson!

We've had some discussion over on facebook about how a lot of the fashions we've seen since the institution of the Patton Scale have far surpassed the horror we felt when first we saw that ruffled creation. Of course, the Full Patton will always be our anchor and a shorthand for worst look of the night so don't worry- it's not going anywhere. I have noticed recently that we are encountering a loop back around to large labial folds across the body so I think these kinds of looks are Patton-adjacent but not necessarily in a bad way. Let's just say they are Paula-esque. This is a very good example of something Paula-esque. I guess only one side of Jennifer was chilly.

KiKi Layne!

And I would say this is Paula-esque, surprise back ruffle edition. I do not love this dress but this color is gorgeous on her and the fit is stunning.

Amy Poehler!

This is one of my favorite Amy Poehler looks in recent memory. It's just too bad she had a total foot-ectomy before the ceremony. RIP Amy's feet.

Melissa McCarthy!

I quite like this look as well and I am similarly sending thoughts and prayers to Melissa McCarthy for the loss of her feet. May the perpetual light shine upon them.

Marina de Tavira!

All I can see is a small puppet stage on her torso. CUAN.

Angela Bassett!

What drama! This is a scroll-stopper. But... I don't love the fit on this dress and FURTHERMORE just because you can sit down in the limo does not mean you should. 

2019 Oscars Red Carpet Rundown: The Good!

We did it! We made it to the Oscars! Here we are, my dear readers, at the end of another High Holy Season! You may think you've seen it all, but we have endless barbie pink fabric and miiiiiiiiles of pouf left to go! 

THE GOOD

Regina King!

Why not start with sheer Hollywood glamour?! Here we see the rare strapless gown that is fine without a necklace and the rare tasteful white pumps! Here at WTS there are very few stars I love more than Regina King so it is wonderful to see her look so perfect and to get that Oscar! Sure, the slit proved a bit challenging when getting up from her seat, but Cap was there to help immediately after the almost-flash and who remembers anything after Cap + Regina = Friends 4EVA?!

Chris Evans!

Speaking of Cap... I like this! The tie size is right and I don't know, I'm kind of feeling these velvet tuxes.

Tina Fey!

Someone fetch me a fainting couch, Tina Fey finally got it right! And would you look at that: another high-cut strapless that does not need a necklace. Miracles abound.

James McAvoy!

Great galloping Gritties, I heard that James McAvoy bought a house in Philly!!! Also this suit looks nice on him.

Octavia Spencer!

Stunning! I want this gown in every color.

Sam Elliott (seen here with Katharine Ross)!

I just love Sam Elliott and I think he looks great here. Also if there was ever an ill-advised American-cast version of Harry Potter, he's my pick for Aberforth. To be clear, this should never happen, but in case it does please let me cast it because reader Gigi and I have a spreadsheet ready.

Henry Golding!

Honestly, where else can you bust out the white tie attire?! He looks gorgeous.

David Oyelowo!

Okay now I am all in on velvet tuxes. I love this color on him and I think the little chain is a nice touch. And since tie size will be a recurring problem tomorrow I'll say this is a nice tie size!

Lady Gaga!

Now that is what I call a necklace! I love that Gaga plays with shape and silhouette when she does Hollywood glam (remember the 2016 Golden Globes velvet?) and I love it when she basically makes out with Bradley Cooper on stage in front of his tiny mother and the world. Gaga gives you the drama you've been craving!

Glenn Close!

Miss Glenn not only gave us the reaction face heard round the world (more on that in another post) but also showed up in this 40+ lb feat of beading! Is it my favorite look Miss Glenn turned this awards season? No. Is it a Moment? Yes.

Paul Rudd!

Everything seems to be in order here.

Rami Malek!

Everything seems to be in order here as well. Additionally, I appreciate that Rami Malek refers to his mother as "Lady" like I do.

Michael B. Jordan (seen here with his mom)!

Yowza.

Amy Adams!

I don't usually love her in white but this dress is exquisite.

Yalitza Aparicio!

I just think this is the sweetest and the prettiest dress. I love the polka dots and the styling is beautifully understated.

Keegan-Michael Key (seen here with Elisa Pugliese)!

He looks perfect. (And though I don't like to comment on the spouses, I adore this dress and I think her lip color is just right.)

Elsie Fisher!

As longtime readers know, I only include children in my rundowns if they are killing it. And Elsie Fisher didn't just kill it, she dismembered it and destroyed the remains. This is an outstanding look.

Diego Luna!

I'm having a hard time here, my dear readers. I think maybe something is off about this but I think maybe he just needs to hike up his pants a skosh? I don't know.  Anyway, I'll always love Diego Luna so I'm putting him in the Good pile even though it required a bit of thought.

Danai Gurira!

Listen, if you're going to wear a fabric that looks comforter-adjacent, you'd better look this excellent doing it!

Mahershala Ali (seen here with Amatus Sami-Karim)!

He is very clearly the coolest guy in the room. (And please sign up for my Patreon where I will say what I feel about this dress because, as aforementioned, I don't like to comment on spouses. Just kidding, I don't have a Patreon. 

Venmo me $2 and I'll whisper it in your ear.)

Michelle Yeoh!

She looks like a fairy tale! This is my favorite of her red carpet looks this season. 

Trevor Noah!

Flawless. 

Samuel L. Jackson!

Do you know how hard it is to match fabric hues like that? This is really well done and I like the velvet tie and lapels.

Helen Mirren!

Tequila sunrise: the dress. Margot Tenenbaum: the eyeliner.

JLo!

Showstopping! Breathtaking! Yes, yes, disco ball mosaic but look at the impeccable fit on this gown! Whoever worked on this deserves their own award. Remarkable.

Shangela!

As the children say, I am gagging on this eleganza. So glad we got that wig line sorted out this time around. But wait there's more! Let's zoom out....

Jenifer Lewis holding Shangie's gown is everything, gal. More on Jenifer in a later post. She is, of course, an event of her own. But now and forever, #shangelaforbestsupportingactress.