Golden Globes 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Buckle up, buttercups.

THE MEH

Lena Waithe!

My dear readers, I tried so hard to put our Lena in The Good pile yesterday but it came down to the fit on the pants and that shiny shirt. It was so, so close.

Kerry Washington!

Another person extremely close to the cutoff... until you look at those shoes. The dress is killer, the head is everything, but the shoes are just ugly.

Allison Janney!

I like this way better from a distance than I did close-up. I also like it better without the bird. 

Dakota Johnson!

Much like the person wearing it, this is just kind of boring. Oh but wait... 

Glorified butt bow! And yet I'm still yawning.

Timothee Chalamet!

The pants are a bit too short and I assume the reason the hems look like that are because he is wearing beatle boots or wearing prosthetic feet roughly hewn from blocks of wood.

Laurie Metcalf!

So so close to greatness here. I think this could use a necklace (CUAN) and I'd shorten the pants to above the ankle so we can see the rest of the shoe. Hey, maybe Aunt Jackie and Timothee Chalamet could swap pants! SOLVED.

Issa Rae!

Yet again, hair, makeup, and styling are perfection. This is always a tough fabric because people go immediately to "trash bag" jokes (yours truly included) but she's wearing the hell out of it. I would love to see this without the shoulder ruffles. I think it would make all the difference. 

David Harbour!

Here's for all you thirsty Stranger Things fans. (Sidebar: Just watched the first 3 episodes last week so I totally get it.) I do not think Hopper is a three piece suit guy. I'd love to see his vest swapped for a cummerbund. 

Alison Brie!

Some of the better Secret Pants of the night (there were many SPs) and a great necklace but definitely right at the top of my list of people in danger of going tits ahoy. Also, let's take a moment to savor the greatness of the MOET pants in the background.

Sarah Paulson!

While this is an important step up from the 2017 Emmys, I could do without the period piece rehearsal skirt.

Mary J. Blige!

My cherished and beloved MJB looks like someone is trying to hide behind her. She's also in danger of going tits ahoy. 

America Ferrera and Natalie Portman!

America Ferrera: got cold, borrowed husband's jacket.
Natalie Portman: playing Lady Capulet later tonight.

Hugh Grant (seen here with Anna Eberstein)!

Hem the pants and a slap a cummerbund on him or at least button the jacket and I think we're good to go.

Kyle MacLachlan (seen here with Desiree Gruber)!

Pretty close! It's just that the jacket is a skosh big and the tie is a skosh small. 

Christian Slater (seen here with Brittany Lopez)!

Stop me if you've heard this one before: jacket a skosh too big, tie a skosh too small. But still looking surprisingly good!    

Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon!

I hate his tie a lot but the rest of the suit is totally fine! I love her sexy business lunch look but the pants and sleeves are both a bit too long and I'm not sure but maybe CUAN.

Sharon Stone (seen here with Roan Joseph Bronstein)!

This dress is really cool but it's just a teensy bit too tight on her rib cage and a little too large in the shoulders. A for effort!

Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd!

I look at both of these dresses and think, okay but why? Why so opaque but then why so sheer? Really just why?

Michelle Williams (seen here with the amazing Tarana Burke)!

While I have some Feelings about the whole "bring an activist as your date" thing, this is a fashion blog so I will simply say that Michelle and I are historically not attracted to the same fashion but this is pretty good for her. It's not overly twee and doesn't make her look like she's playing dress up. I would like to see this without the puffed sleeves. 

Sally Hawkins!

The first thing I thought is that she yanked it down her shoulder at the last moment to look "sexy." Honestly, my only quibble is with this ridiculous extra belt length. Tuck it or chuck it.

Jude Law!

It might just be the angle, but I think both the jacket and the tie are just slightly too large. Points for matching your velvet lapel to your velvet shoe.

Reese Witherspoon!

Snoozefest.

Christina Hendricks!

Secret Pants! I like the design on this outfit but it looks like it was made of three separate pieces: shirt, pants, and enormous detachable skirt. 

Halle Berry!

OMG Halle Berry, yes, you've still got it, now will you stop trying so hard!?

Emilia Clarke!

Even though the dress is a hair too small on her, she's another one in danger of going tits ahoy. Concerned.

Aziz Ansari!

This is going to sound weird because he's wearing all black but that shirt doesn't match.

Jessica Chastain!

The illusion this dress creates is not exactly flattering. I want better for her.

Gayle King!

First of all, I have a big problem with Gayle getting booted out of her seat next to Oprah multiple times during the show by Barbra. Gayle deserves to sit next to Oprah! Unimpressed. This dress is firmly Meh for me. I appreciate the skill that went into the ombre sequins but it looks like she's mid-magical transformation, a la Cinderella. Also I really really cannot with the Hug Preventer Straps on the sides of the arms. Oprah is getting the biggest award of the night - why would you inhibit your hug abilities!?

Hong Chau!

Move those straps out about an inch and a half and then we'll be in business.

Laura Dern!

I quite like this dress and it fits her well. In the close-ups, the mesh looked a bit unfinished at the top which makes me want to see the dress without the mesh at all. 

Tracee Ellis Ross!

Tracee was so super close to going on The Good pile. I love everything head to waist - outstanding, really. But the bottom half of the dress is extremely boring and fits kind of weird, so I was forced to have her here. I love you Tracee and I'm sorry I had to do this.