THE BAD
Penelope Cruz!
This isn't awful but it's also not good. I would love to see this thing without the mismatched satin train of doom. I think I would still find it a bit boring but at least it wouldn't be so confusing.
Debra Messing!
There are Secret Pants and then there are Secret JNCOs. I get a distinctly Wile E. Coyote feeling from the dress component of this look, as if a tunnel was painted on the skirt and it enabled us to see the pants. The makeup is actually a crime against her face and should be prosecuted.
Nicole Kidman!
Couture Pig-Pen.
Alicia Vikander!
Alicia Vikander time traveled from a funeral in 1890 to be here tonight. I am very sorry for your loss.
Margot Robbie!
This looks like her belly button threw up on her skirt. The exaggerated shoulders are not helping the situation.
Geena Davis!
There is so much going on here and none of it makes sense. The wide plunging V, the intricate open shoulders as if the cold shoulder trend merged with a ring toss game, the creepy spiderwebs of lace, the solid three feet of fringe at the bottom...and all of it in sequins. This is a real head scratcher.
Rachel Brosnahan!
My dear readers, I tried my hardest to make myself like this but I simply cannot. I think I would like it far more if we got rid of the sash that comes directly up from the waist. I can't tell if it's meant to be sheer-ish on the skirt or if that is an unfortunate side effect of many flashes of light. I also wish for more volume all over on her hair, something softer than the severity of her hair pulled so tight. Now that I'm saying it, I wonder if this was meant to be a tribute to Bunheads but ... probably not?
Eva Longoria!
I understand the concept but tux jacket-as-gown-as-red-carpet-maternity-wear is not really working for me.
La Klum!
Welp.
Kate Hudson!
This is a macrame wall hanging repurposed as a dress with some boy shorts under it.
Jessica Biel!
I don't like her hair, it could use a necklace, and the dress is fine until you throw that giant velvet toenail clipping on it.
Michelle Pfeiffer!
Both the jacket and the skirt are bad and together they are even worse. And I have to say again it's weird but they don't match.
Gwendolyn Christie!
WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP HER.
Allison Williams!
Reader Colin remarked that this looked like the Target logo and now I can't unsee it. On top of that it looks kind of off-kilter to me.
Sarah Jessica Parker!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.
Claire Foy!
The sleeves are the only things on here that fit her.
Emma Stone (seen here with Billie Jean King)!
The lace with the ruffles and the handkerchief hem comes together to be a little too fussy for me.
Emma Watson (seen here with Marai Larasi)!
And then over here with Emma 2, it's too fussy and also too stiff but also the one long earring is getting caught up in the neck ruffle and it just seems like this whole outfit would be annoying to wear.
Amy Poehler (seen here with Saru Jayaraman)!
I love a cape but I think this just isn't Amy's look.
Connie Britton!
I mean, I agree and all but pairing a statement sweatshirt with a witchy skirt and some heels is not quite the dress code here. Waist-up she's running errands on Saturday morning. Waist-down is... well, kind of just a mess.
Caitriona Balfe!
I hate this dress. I hate it so hard it hurts me. (PS I'm starting to think that they are not Moet pants but instead a long Moet apron situation there in the back.) Ugh, why are there dirty swiffer dusters clustered up around her knees? Why does the dress keep going after that? Why is she wearing swimmies? And for the love of god what's with the dangerous-looking harness accent? I'm sorry, Caitriona, but this is a full Patton.
I think Connie Britton and Claire Foy could wear those outfits to an opening of a women's outsider art exhibition and look FABULOUS. Also I want to go with them to that and then split a bottle of wine at a French bistro-style bar.
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