Every year (for many years now) I've been scouring Yandy.com for the newest and most hilarious Sexy ____ Halloween costumes as my way of dealing with the absolute horror that is the patriarchal pressure on women to wear "sexy" costumes. I have to say that over the years I have become quite the connoisseur and find true and deep delight in the absurdity of the genre. I carefully catalogue my findings so that I never repeat a costume for you, my dear readers. I want to make sure you are experiencing only the newest and dumbest Sexy ___ costumes. As usual, please use care when viewing this post at work.
Sexy Polar Bear!
Not too much about this says Polar Bear to me, but I guess I'll go with it. Probably the least exciting Sexy ___ costume of the year.
I have to admit, I was surprised to find even two new animal costumes this year. I definitely thought we had gone through them all. My favorite thing about the Sexy Owl costume is that they chose a terrifying owl face for the hood instead of an adorable owl face. This ain't no Hedwig. This is the owl Sirius sends Harry that bites.
Sexy Political Elephant and Sexy Political Donkey!
I truly don't know why anyone would, but if you had to do a Sexy ___ political costume, these are better than what's coming next.
I know I said I don't repeat but this is happening now...Last year we had a version of this with hot pants, but I kind of like this one better with the tie getting tucked into the cleavage. If anyone tells you this costume isn't sexy just say, "You're wrong."
Before I found this I was trying to figure out how you'd do a Sexy Hillary costume and was coming up blank. Thankfully, the geniuses at Yandy came up with the perfect idea: Pantsuit, hold the pants. I'm with her legs.
The knock-off Anonymous mask is one of the funniest and greatest things I have ever seen. I want one so badly.
Not going to lie, I LOOOOOOVE those garter straps.
Honestly, not that offensive.
Spiderman is my favorite of the Marvel superheroes, so I feel conflicted about this. That said, one of the reasons I deeply love Spiderman is because I view it as an allegory for puberty and for coming to find the joy and power in one's sexuality so maybe this is absolutely appropriate. (But, you know, it's not.)
Sexy Harley Quinn!
Inevitably. Saw this coming a mile away.
I have to admit I definitely did NOT see this coming! Sexy Deadpool! It didn't even occur to me! I love it when I'm suprised by the Sexy ___ industry!
This costume is... OUT OF THIS WORLD! (I'll see myself out.)
Sexy Swat Team!
I need 10-15 volunteers for a project. We'll all get these Sexy Swat Team costumes and then next Halloween weekend we'll go around crashing parties and "confiscating" all of their wine and candy. It's the perfect plan! Who's with me?
You can't just write BOOBS on your boobs and call it adorable! Except that Yandy totally did and I am DYING. I'm dead. RIP me. Please make sure to engrave my tombstone with 80085.
Sexy Snow White!
Embellished corset, cape, gloves.... and just some underwear.
I guess a throwback Sexy ___ is okay, but this is kind of boring.
Oh my god girl, he is totally going to toss his (poke)balls at you.
Sexy Jack Skellington!
This is pretty cool, actually, though I don't know why you wouldn't just be regular Jack Skellington? You could probably wear the same jacket with just some leggings if you needed to show off the shape of your legs. Also, let's see some hustle in your makeup game if you're going to be the Pumpkin King.
Sexy Lydia Deets!
1000% love this. Fully endorsed by Way Too Shay. I would love if this walked into a Halloween party I was attending. If you need a couples costume, just pop over to the previously discussed Sexy Beetlejuice.
They said it couldn't be done, and yet here it is: your regrettable tattoo brought to life as a Sexy ___ costume!
Sexy Paper Doll!
Who chooses this costume? Of all the costumes available in this world of ours, who decides to be a Sexy Paper Doll?
Okay, so this costume has wings on it, so I think it might technically be Sexy Angel Flying Through The Sky but... that doesn't make sense. If that is true. does the Sexy Angel have no torso? Is she just limbs and head and wings and that's why we see the beautiful sky where her body would be? Or is this actually just Sexy Sky (But I Also Wanted To Wear Wings)?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSS! Why is there a Sexy Guitar!? This might have replaced Sexy Bee as my favorite (read: stupidest) Sexy ___ costume.
Or I guess it's the Pot Avenger? I deeply appreciate the placement of the leaves on the nipples. Classic.
Sexy Heart Eyes Emoji!
Sexy Joke From Last Year!
This costume is actually called Miss Almost Won* and I guess it's a great costume for if you want to look glamorous and you don't mind explaining the reference to everyone all night.
*If you have not already done so, I implore you to go to Yandy's website and look at the names for the costumes. Due to copyright restrictions they can't actually call them what they are so the work-around names are sometimes HILARIOUS.
If you are not a fan of subtlety, here's the costume for you!
Sexy Alexander Hamilton!
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore
And a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence impoverished,
In squalor, grow up to be a FREAKIN SEXY ____ COSTUME!??!?!
(alternate joke: This costume is reliable with the LAYDEES!)
Well, my dear readers that's it for this year. If you haven't had your fill you can visit Way Too Shay's past Halloween offerings. Happy Halloween to you all and remember: wear whatever you like.