Emmys 2016 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, I wish you a very happy new year if you are celebrating Rosh Hashanah today! May your year be very sweet, unlike most of the following fashions.

THE BAD

Amanda Peet!

Why is she wearing a giant, hideous, sequined (sequenced) capital M? Beyond the fact that it doesn't match, is this a cry for help? Is she trying to give us a message? If so, my only guess is that the message is "My stylist hates Me."

Kathryn Hahn!

I was unaware Hot Topic sold formal wear.

Hannah Murray!

It looks like she's being slowly drowned by haunted lace. And then, quite separate from the spooky killer lace, there's a string of Broadway marquee lights around her waist. None of it makes any sense and all of it is unflattering.

Neve Campbell!

The construction of this dress makes it look like Neve Campbell is two kids standing on top of each other, except it's an evening gown instead of a trench coat. I'm actually amazed by how boxy this dress makes her look. You deserve better Neve Campbell Two Kids Who Make Up Neve Campbell!

Priyanka Chopra!

I wanted so badly to include this with the Good because so much is right with this look but every time I look at that peek-a-boo rib action I cringe. Not only because is it reminiscent of tying back drapes but moreso because it makes her boobs look uneven and cuts her torso into too many pieces visually. So close and yet so far.

Melora Hardin!

Oh good lord, girl, who told you this fit you? I will find them and I will give them a talking-to! Quite beyond the fact that it looks uncomfortable, what is it doing to your poor breasts?! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO BOOBS AT THE EMMYS THIS YEAR!?!?!?!

America Ferrera!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Minnie Driver!

First, props where they are due: those shoes are the second true nude illusion of the evening and they are confusing the hell out of me - brava. Now onto... the rest of this. She kind of looks like a paper doll with the dress just sort of glued onto her front. The major problem I have is the length; because she is so tall and this cuts off at an awkward position just above the ankle, it gives the impression that she simply ran out of dress. The fit on the actual dress is fine but this silhouette does not flatter her, nor does the color. I'd like to see a different lip color here and much larger earrings.

Mamie Gummer!

Since we are talking about shoes, we have to talk about these. TWO OF HER TOES ARE OUTSIDE OF THE SHOE. Since this is happening on both feet I am hard-pressed to tell you whether this is because the shoes didn't exactly fit or whether this is A Choice. As for the rest of it, I don't think it's a great fit nor do I think it's a very good dress. At any rate, it could use a necklace.

Tracee Ellis Ross!

This is not her dress. I think if it did not have a cutout I would like it very much. Unfortunately the cutout makes her look blocky and disjointed, which is a damn shame because I am loving the styling. 

Laura Carmichael!

I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Jane Krakowski!

I feel like our Jane knows this thing is hideous but she's just going with it. A high neckline doesn't suit her very well. Even though she's bringing us The Leg Show starring Right Leg, I completely forget her leg when I look at her face and forget her face when I look at her leg. That probably has to do with these ridiculous shoes that make no sense. I never thought I'd long for a nude pump but here we are.

Connie Britton!

This is the dress equivalent to Russian nesting dolls: it just keeps getting smaller the further down you go. It makes her look like a Connie Britton cake pop.

Keri Russell!

I mean, if you wanted to wear a white sheath mini dress, that would have been okay. You didn't have to add the chiffon toilet paper trail of sadness.

Mandy Moore!

Noooo. This is some 1976 bridesmaid dress horror story come to life. AND it's sheer from the thighs down, of course it is.

Heidi Klum!

La Klum has never been the model of restrained fashion, but this is next level. This is a perfect dress for when one side of your body is warmer than the other side. This is like one of those half-man/half-woman costumes but it's just half-warm/half-cool, allllllllllllll Heidi. You know what this is? This is a Full Patton.