God Save the ... Princess

Of course because I have been excited about the Royal Wedding for months I totally set my alarm for 4 PM. Thanks to Rosey and Katya for texting me their reactions and thereby waking me up at 6:15! I reacted exactly the same as the first lines of dialogue in Four Weddings and Funeral. I threw on some pants (still cursing), threw on a shirt, shoved my feet in shoes, wiped last night mascara from under my eyes and absolutely ripped out of the house and ran to get the bus. I was freaking out.

Then I remembered that what I was late for was essentially going to my friend's house to watch tv.

Kate's dress is gorgeous and, dreamy sigh, McQueen. I liked her simple veil and pretty tiara. Though Wills looked a bit like a cartoon character with the super bright red and blue, he looked lovely as well. I was totally shocked that the bridesmaids were in white, though Pippa's cowlneck McQueen was a stunner. And the Queen was dressed like a very fashionable lemon.* I was a little disappointed in Camilla's hat, though she looked lovely. Elton and David looked dashing, and the OTHER David (Beckham, ovbs) looked a little silly but nice in his ascot. Posh Spice looked gorgeous and is the tiniest 5 month pregnant woman I've ever seen. She's also the only pregnant woman I've ever seen in 7 inch Louboutins.

All in all, everyone was gorgeous and the newlyweds looked genuinely happy. I will admit that I didn't know Wills' voice was that deep. And I will admit that I squeeled quite a bit and maybe cried a little when this happened...




*Thanks to Lauren and Rosey for the lemon comment.

Predictions

Kilts for the boys. Formal kilts.

Square neck, cap sleeves, A-line dress on Kate.

Cathedral-length veil. BOOYAH!

Kate's jewelry in diamond and sapphire to match her ring (and give us that "something blue").

The biggest, most extravagent hat you've ever seen on Camilla.

Boatneck on the bridesmaid dresses.

At least 2 Elton John reaction shots.

At least 1 reaction shot of the Queen where she looks kind of bored.

Unimpressive hat on the Queen. (I'm just trying to save you some disappointment.)

Stupid American news anchors talking over the wedding ceremony and/or trying to use British-isms along the lines of "All of Will's mates are here. They played football yesterday, which means soccer." WE KNOW!

Constant mention of how Wills must be missing his mom on this special day. Constant.

Harry looking fiiiiiiiiine.



I understand that some don't really get the hoopla, but it's fun for me. I like weddings, I like celebrities, and I think this is one cute couple. Also, the last enormous pop-culture wedding I got was stupid Carrie and Big and what happened there? He doesn't show up for her dream wedding, stranding her in a crazy-awesome dress and whack hat. Then later he gives her a shoe and she marries him completely on his terms, thereby setting the tone for the rest of their lives. I still get angry about this.

Someone think of a cute nickname for me like Waity- Katie

The best anyone in grade school could ever come up with was Peg Leg Meg. When I pointed out to the girl who liked to tease me that it lacked creativity and made no sense, she went back to calling me Geek. Still lacking creativity but at least fairly accurate.

ANYWAY!

Thank you, Huffington Post, for adding to my reading torture list with this post on Books With Worst Dating Advice Ever!

Of course The Rules is in there, second on the list. And on that note I can only promise you that I will have a Rules post up soon. I cannot wait to get to the part where they talk about not dating for more than 2 years (the 2 year limit ended by the marriage, obvs).



In related news, ZOMG ROYAL WEDDING THIS WEEK! I am attending a viewing party bright and early (read: 5:30 AM - cray cray) at a friend's house. She is providing bagels, mimosas, and tiaras. Dress code is pajamas. Yes, that means I will be riding the bus to her house in my penguin pajama pants. Perhaps I will change up the shirt, though. Lately I've been wearing a breast cancer awareness shirt to bed (my sheets totally do breast self-exams in the washing machine, because they are so aware now) that has two baseballs over the boobs and reminds you to "Save Second Base!" I love wearing this shirt because it makes me think of my dear friend Lauren, who was with me when I bought it. I love wearing this shirt to bed because it is sooooo soft. However. The bus across town at 5 AM on a Friday is perhaps not going to be the best time to literally attach targets to my breasts.

My mom is going to a royal wedding watching party with her friends where the dress code is "tiara-casual." She is not getting up early to watch the wedding because, as she told me a couple of weeks ago, "We're old and smart. We're DVRing it!" AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT SPOILERS, MOM!??!!?

Deconstructing Mungo Jerry

In true Philadelphia fashion, we have completely skipped spring and summer started yesterday. Girls wearing shorts so short they can only be termed "jeans underwear" hit the streets and boys were wearing tank tops. The people who get weekly pedicures gleefully busted out their sandals and people like me who think pedicures are NO FUN AT ALL continued to wear shoes that don't show our gross feet.

This morning I woke up sweating slightly. You could call it my morning glisten but believe me, it looks way less attractive than you think. Even though I went to bed reading Bossypants (which is amazing and great and holy crap, Tina Fey, please be my friend), I woke with a song in my head. And that song was Mungo Jerry's "In The Summertime."

You guys, I hate this song. It's not the song itself - certainly the sunny music and jaunty melody are infectious - it's the lyrics. Let's examine, shall we? (WARNING: Triggers below. This song is super-date-rapey.)

In the summertime when the weather's high,
you can stretch right up and touch the sky,
when the weather's fine,
you got women, you got women on your mind.
Okay, not so bad yet....

Have a drink, have a drive,
go out and see what you can find.
WHAT?! No! Do not encourage drinking and driving, Mungo Jerry! I realize it was the 70s and I have seen Dazed and Confused enough times to know that apparently the thing to do was fill your trunk with beer and tool around, but that is DANGEROUS.

Okay, now all I can think of is that scene in Jesus Christ Superstar where the guy with the deep voice intones "He is daaaaaaaangerous." Eh, it was just Easter. Free pass.

If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal.
If her daddy's poor, just do as you feel.
Multiple flags on the play. It seems poor logic to plan your dating activities on the relative wealth of the girl's father. Secondly, this is an icky date rape type lyric. I think these lines are the reason I hate this song so much.

Speed along the lane,
Do a ton, or a ton and twenty-five.
Drinking and driving and driving fast are not a good combination. Even Vin Diesel would agree and who are we to question Vin Diesel?

When the sun goes down, you can make it,
make it good in a lay-by.
Side of the road sex. Possibly non-consensual.

We're not grey people, we're not dirty, we're not mean.
We love everybody, but we do as we think.
F'n hippies. Hippies who drink and drive and take advantage of girls whose fathers may or may not be able to afford lawyers.

When the weather's fine
we go fishing or go swimming in the sea.
We're always happy,
life's for living, yeah, that's our philosophy.
I'm not going fishing with you, Mungo Jerry. Who knows what you got in your tacklebox.

Sing along with us, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Da-da-da-da-da...Yeah, we're happy happy,
da-da-da-da-dah.
Hippies.

When the winter's here, then it's party time.
Bring a bottle, wear your bright clothes.
It'll soon be summertime, and we'll sing again,
we'll go drivin' or maybe we'll settle down.
This is pretty accurate. Lots of parties around the holidays and all anyone can ever talk about is how they can't wait for summer. Even though everyone knows that red wine tastes better in the winter.

If she's rich, if she's nice,
bring your friends and we'll all go into town.
But don't bring any poor girls to my fucking Christmas party this year!

Safety is cute!

As spring lurches in fits and starts toward Philadelphia, many things seem just a pollen-filled breath away. Evening strolls to the East Passyunk outpost of Capogiro, Saturday mornings spent watching cuties in tank tops reading in Rittenhouse, the smell of neighbors' grills all weekend, and - perhaps best of all - tooling around on my bike again.

I'm a fairly new bike rider and a sort of timid one at that. I don't bike when it's too cold, I don't bike when there's a chance of rain, I don't bike when I have people to impress because of the sweaty hair issue. Also, I always always always wear a helmet. I know far too many people who have been hit/doored/etc. on their bikes not to wear a helmet. AND I'm sort of uncoordinated, which just raises my risk level. I inherited my current bike and helmet from my ex-boyfriend, which was very sweet of him. The helmet is a little old and definitely not cute, so I've been keeping an eye out for something very safe and maybe a little bit fashionable for this summer's transportation. And thanks to The Hairpin, I have found just the thing!

Yakkay makes bike helmets that look like adorable hats.


BOOM! Fashion and function! Yakkay, I think I love you.

Remembering Elizabeth Taylor

I was born in 1980. This means that, among other things, I grew up with typewriters AND computers, I know all the words to every Debbie Gibson song ever recorded, and I know that if you have $70 and a pair of girl's underpants you are safe as kittens. This also means that by the time I got to her Elizabeth Taylor was battling diseases, middle age, and seemed to always be on the cover of the National Enquirer with Michael Jackson.

-- SIDEBAR --
My love affair with gossip and celebrity started early as I would hungrily devour as much of the covers of trashy mags like the National Enquirer as possible while waiting the supermarket checkout line with my mom. I never got up the courage to ask her to buy it for me when I was a kid, though I was DYING to know all about everything inside. And I never picked it up off the shelf, as I was pretty sure Mom would not have liked that. I'm also pretty sure that if I asked my mom she would have said "Definitely not" to buying me a gossip rag. Nowadays my mom saves copies of US Weekly for me from the dental office where she works because she knows that Stars! They're Just Like Us cracks me up so much. "They use umbrellas!" OH MY GOD SO DO I!!!!!
-- END SIDEBAR --

Once I got to be old enough to appreciate fashion and fabulosity (oh, say, 5 years ago) I at once loved Elizabeth Taylor. She is one of the only people on this earth I consider truly glamorous. She was a terrific actor, of course, we know this. But the glamour! To be sure, we can learn many lessons from our Liz...and I'll bet you're about to be able to guess one of the reasons I loved her oh so much and/or the effect she had on me.

Lesson 1: Boatneck dresses are the perfect time to bust out a necklace.




Lesson 2: Deep décolletage is enhanced by a necklace.




Lesson 3: V-necks and necklaces are best friends.


Lesson 4: Adorable short hair + big earrings = skip the necklace.


Lesson 5: Halter necklines don't need a necklace, just some fantastic earrings.


Lesson 6: Sometimes you just need to ignore the rules and pile on the jewels.


Lesson 7: Necklaces are fun to play with.


It also doesn't hurt, when posing for a photograph, to telegraph that you want to make out with the person on the other end of the camera, or that perhaps you know a secret about them. I'll be sure to keep this in mind from now on.

This remembrance post is long overdue, but it's never too late to say goodbye. But not so fast, von Ryan...These have always brought me luck.

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 16-20

We are halfway through book 1, aka The Rules: Original Recipe. Of, if you prefer, the OG Rules. As usual, all block quoted text belongs to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Listen girls and boys, there may be some triggering things in here, round about Rule 18 - just giving you fair warning. Ready or not, here we go....


Rule 16:

Don't Tell Him What To Do

Basically:
Let him do whatever he wants to do, even if it hurts your feelings. Don't try to fix him, wait until he asks you to fix him (because that ever happens).

BS Meter:
Fairly high. One of the points is either say everything he does is okay or break up with him. Black or white.

Points of Interest:

If, after dating you for months, he has never introduced you to his parents or friends, that means he doesn't want you to meet his parents or friends. He may simply be shy about the whole thing.

Oooor, in the immortal words of Liz Lemon, "S that D. Shut it down. DEAL BREAKER."

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Be honest about your feelings in a non-accusatory way. Use your words, specifically your "I feel" words. And honey, if he wants to go camping with his buddies every weekend instead of hanging out with you? You have a "classic case of fruit blindness. Deal breaker."

Rule 17:

Let Him Take The Lead

Basically:
He is Antonio Bandaris.



BS Meter:
Skyrockets in flight. Holy moly! What they mean by Let Him Take The Lead is that he gets to decide everything, you wait for him to say I love you first, you meet his parents before he meets yours, you meet his friends before he meets yours, etc.

Points of Interest:

He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for your preference, in which case you can tell him.

He might sometimes ask you for your preference. Until then it's Michael Bay all the way, girlfriend!

oh, and...

Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all your friends and family.

HEADSPLOSION.


Meg's Alternate Rule:
And I quote Madonna, "Express yourself." Spineless women are not a lot of fun.


Rule 18:

Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him

Basically:
Accept his flaws or find someone else! Well, certain flaws - there are the Unforgivable Curses of this realm: flirting with other girls in front of you, exhibiting violent behavior at times, not paying attention to you when you tell him something important (what? when you're letting him do all the speaking and the picking out of movies and restaurants?), or if he forgets your birthday.

BS Meter:
There is one thing I will stand behind here: please do what you can to get away from a violent partner. Please be careful and know that your friends love you. If you are in trouble, check out The Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE.

Points of Interest:

You must decide if you can live with him. Whether or not he ever cheats on you again, realize that the thought will always cross your mind. [...] Of course, a playboy type who falls in love with you because you did The Rules will automatically mend his ways. He will want to be monogamous because you, unlike other women he's dated, are busy, don't call him, make him wait for sex, and don't bring up marriage or the future.

Worked for Annette Bening!

Meg's Alternate Rule:
How would you feel if someone set about to change your habits? Sucks, right? Maybe you like to eat tofu in bed! Screw you, dude! You didn't even give it up on the first date! Now, let's reframe this: how do you feel about growing together in a partnership where you're each working on your own stuff at your own speed? And encouraging each other? And being hippies. That's not so bad, right?

Rule 19:

Don't Open Up Too Fast

Basically:
Wait until he says he loves you to tell him that you have abandonment issues, creditors knocking at your door, are in AA, have surgery scars, etc. Because once he says he loves you, those things don't matter! The Rules is magic, you see?

BS Meter:
From my point of view, if someone I was dating waited until we spilled out the ILYs to tell me that they had some serious stuff they were dealing with, I would feel a bit weird. Oh, but you don't understand, The Rules says,

It is morally wrong to accept an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share.

Yeah, so just slip that in somewhere between the breezy first few dates and the "blessed proposal."

Points of Interest:
I present to you without comment the following quotes:

After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him something like, "I used to drink a lot in college. It really made me sick. Now I'm in AA and I don't drink anymore. I feel better. Then smile and go on to other, more pleasant conversation.
[...]
He should always feel that he's in love with the girl of his dreams, not someone damaged.
[...]
Don't bring up illness in a serious, heart-to-heart talk on your first date. Remember, especially in the beginning, don't be too intense about anything or lay all your cards on the table.
[...]
No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
I'monna walk a fine line here because you know, maybe "I have $100,000 of debt" is not a great first date factoid. It's hard to share these kinds of things and you want to wait for the right time. But if you have intimacy issues or something else that might be good to be shared before hitting it the first time, please DO share before hitting it the first time. And special note: if you're a virgin, it's totally cool to be up front with that when it seems like you might be on Sex Before Marriage Blvd. Unless you don't want to reveal such facts, in which case that's totally cool, too. Your body, your choice.

Rule 20:

Be Honest but Mysterious

Basically:
Don't give away any information that is not absolutely necessary. Less is more. Men love mystery.

BS Meter:
Awesome. Hide your Prozak (it says this IN THE BOOK, I swear to God), hide your gross bathrobe, hide your self-help books (which you don't need because you are a butterfly or something, remember?), and if someone calls while he's over just say "can't talk" and hang up, never telling him who was on the phone. OH! But don't lie! It's a "law of the universe."

Points of Interest:

When he is in your apartment, don't listen to your answering machine. Let him wonder who called you besides him! You might know that the messages are probably from girlfriends feeling suicidal about their dating situations, but he doesn't!

Two things. One: I'm guessing your girlfriends went on a 14 hour first date that included disco dancing and then slept with the guy, thereby not following The Rules. That's probably why they're suicidal. Two: um, help your suicidal girlfriends! You are a terrible friend.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Okay, there is mystery and then there is stupidity. I'm all for shoving the mess in the closet when company is over and pretending I cleaned, but I'm not about to pepper my house with "intersting or popular novel or nonfiction books in full view." You wanna love me? You're gonna have to get in bed with Harry... Potter, that is.

Still Alive!

Dear 6 readers, I am back from outer space, aka out of town. Are you ready for more of The Rules? Good! Check back here in the morning! Until then, don't forget:



You rule! Thanks for sticking with me during a very hectic time.

Groom School

As a sort of companion/antithesis to our Rules blogging, I give you... GROOM SCHOOL. Alfred Angelo Bridal introduced their hilarious boot camp today on the web and you guys have to check it out.

I'm not sure what I like better - the stock photo of Diane and Jim Taylor, their relationship experts, or their "Yes Honey" philosophy. You have to click through the class list (if just to see the photos of happy men ironing, cooking, and doing laundry).

* I'm Sorry 101
* Does This T-Shirt Smell Funny?
* Science of Dishwashing I
* Science of Dishwashing II
* Ex-Boxed (includes a free mini-course in replacing toilet paper)
* Private Coaching with Diane and Jim

Of course once you get to the part where you click to "sign him up" the joke is revealed (happy April Fools, duh)... but I'm wondering how many women are seeing this and breathing a sigh of relief. They're on Alfred Angelo, checking out wedding gowns, perhaps wondering when oh when he's going to help make those thousand paper cranes they are going to put on each table at the reception and then BOOM: jackpot! Groom School! Oh finally he'll learn how to use The Scrubby on the dishes! I can just imagine the disappointment certain ladies might experience this morning when they get to that April Fools screen. But don't worry, certain ladies! You may still get to the point where you take a couples pottery lessons, like Kristy and Brian on the front page! It could happen! Right?