Met Ball 2012: The Bad!

Hold on to your hats, fashion fans. It's time for the Bad! Let's lead off with the most beautiful woman in the world (according to People Magazine), shall we?

The Bad

Beyonce!

In what is clearly an ode to the Rorschach test, Bey pounds the final nail in the sheer dress coffin. Eesh, lady! It's just SO bad!

Dakota Fanning!

Luna Lovegood goes to the prom. The overly complicated ruffles keep the nargles away. The color is meant to fool the Dementors into thinking you're already dead.

Shailene Woodley!

Yuck. I hate this print and the double belt is hardly flattering her figure. This girl needs someone to sit her down and give her some style advice.

Eva Mendes!

Bed-Affeta: when bedazzlers and taffeta meet. Tragic, tragic consequences.

Coco Rocha!

I - but - what?! How does a model of Coco's stature show up to the Met Ball looking like she is ready for her Kids Incorporated audition? And what is with this dipped hair trend? I keep seeing it on the street and it just looks like the worst of all possible ways to grow the dye out of your hair. AND FURTHER MORE I'm not sure that satin platform mary janes are the best choice to go with what can only be called ankle-length adult jams. Oh, Coco.

Alicia Keys!

More problems in pants city. These pants are voluminous in the crotch, no? As if she was wearing a giant diaper? Or wanted people to know that either A) they can't touch this, or B) we got to pray just to make it today? On another, non-MC Hammer-related note, I just don't get peep toe boots. Your ankles are cold but your toes need to breathe? It makes NO sense.

Heidi Klum!

Divorce chic: you're doing it wrong.

Milla Jovovich!

Tomorrow night at 8, only on Lifetime: What happens when a Roman Gladiator is transported into the body of a Las Vegas cocktail waitress? Milla Jovovich stars in My Name is Glamiator!

Jessica Chastain!

NO! Oh, girl. I thought we were on the upswing with your Oscars gown but this is like 10 steps back in the wrong direction. Boooooo! No! And you know what? I can't take it anymore. YOU ARE ON PROBATION. Talk to me once you've found a new stylist.

Amy Poehler!

The head is fine. The rest is a hot mess. What is this dress? It's so tight and feathery and peplum-y. And look at all of that unadorned chest area! I don't know. Maybe if we lost the feathers and added a necklace I would like it? The world will never know.

January Jones!

I really wanted to love this, and in fact, I originally put this in the Good pile. But the more I look at it, the more I start to believe that this is the couture version of Bumblebee from Transformers. It's so very constructed, almost to the point of rigidity. Love the necklace, though.

The Sev!

I only ever want to live in a world where the Sev shows up to a huge fashion event wearing the afghan her grandma made over a bra and boy shorts. Paired, of course, with space shoes. If that ever stops happening, just put the cyanide capsules in my mouth and tell my fish I'll miss him.

Linda Evangelista!

Dowdy, frumpy, and somehow really really young for her. Here she reminds me of the tallest girl at the 8th grade dinner dance. This woman was in arguably the greatest video of all time. There is no way she should show up to the Met Ball with a glorified scrunchie in her hair.

Leighton Meester!

Leighton Meester presents: A tribute to pollen and swiffer dusters! This weekend on Stars on Ice!

Kristen Stewart!

It looks like Claudia Kishi's closet threw up on her. WHAT are those shoes? Girl, just stop.

Claire Danes!

Dig the hair and makeup, but you really ought not make that face when you're standing on the red carpet in an oversized bathrobe.

Marion Cotillard!

I've tried for about ten minutes now to come up with a witty way to say this, but I can't. She looks like hell. The dress, the bangs, the makeup, all of it. For such a gorgeous woman, she looks remarkably plain.

Lily Collins!

Frontier House meets couture part 1: at least she's fairly young. This is a little bit ghostly, though, right?

Sarah Jessica Parker!

Frontier House meets couture part 2: What The Hell Is This!? SJP, girl, you know better than this! There is no room for Laura Ashley bedspreads on the red carpet.

Rihanna!

Remember that thing we said about leather dresses? Yeahhhhh..... Look, Ri has a killer body  but this is not a great look. The dress is too long, the hair is too...well, it's really terrible, isn't it? I can't get behind this at all. I want to love you, Ri. Help me love you.

Scarlett Johansson!

Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.

Mary Kate Olsen!

When I first saw this I straight up laughed out loud. Girlfriend has GOT to be messing with us, right? Between the fried hair and the widowed Italian grandmother costume, it's simply got to be a joke. Right? Right? Oh god... what if it's not?!

Kate Bosworth!

And then Kate Bosworth came dressed as a bergamasco...interesting. (PS, let's not speak of the hair. I just can't do it.)

Florence Welch!

Let it be said: when Alexander McQueen flocks a Christmas tree, that Christmas tree stays good and flocked.

Anya Rubik!

"Angelina Jolie's leg made big news during the Oscars, huh?" said Anya Rubik, "Well, we'll just see about that!" "Oh lady, wear some underwear!" said the rest of the world.

La Paltrow!

Oh my god. Finally! Someone has come up with an apron that's appropriate to wear to the gynecologist! You can get your annual pap and a breast exam without even taking off the apron! HOW CONVENIENT!

Elizabeth Banks!

Damn. That is one complicated dress. With all the different patterns and the stiffness on the top portion and the big slit and the peplum..that's one crazy... wait a minute... what is going on with that peplum?

WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT!?

Christina Ricci!

That thing over her shoulder? That's the bow of her dress. That fabric hanging down, gathered on the ground? Also part of the bow. Terrifying.

And since this is the last look we're going to see together, I have to level with you. Every time I look at this dress with all of the delicate pink fabric voluptuously folded and the structured black lace coming out of nowhere, all I can think is that this is the designer's tribute to bikini wax stubble growing back in.

Met Ball 2012: The Meh!

We have a LOT of Meh to tackle. Enjoy the snoozefest!

The Meh

Emma Roberts!

How long was she sitting in that limo? Even if we didn't have a terrible case of wrinkly dress, this color is all wrong for her. And she needs a necklace.

Cameron Diaz!

 

Boring and unflattering. I don't love this color on her and the back makes her ass look like saggy pancakes.

Rooney Mara!

When oh when will the sheer dress trend be over? I cannot take it anymore. For what it's worth, I kind of like the top of the dress but then it's all granny panties behind Dracula's living room curtains. The leather belt doesn't help, either.

Paula Patton!

It's pretty enough, I guess, but the dress just seems heavy to me and I feel like I would like the color more if it was just a skosh darker.

Liv Tyler!

Look closely, my dear readers. It's a front-facing racerback dress over... a tank top? I don't quite understand. Also her makeup is horrendous. Or is it...whore-endous? (I'm sorry. Ugh. God.)

Ashley Green!

Congratulations, Ashley Green, on having your wedding at the Met Ball! You had the most A-list wedding of all time! Mazel tov!

Emma Stone!

Suuuuuper cute dress but absolutely the wrong hair and sort of clunky shoes. Zonk. Try again!

Amy Adams!

Lose the bow and then we'll talk. I'm not sure white is the right color for our Amy. She does so well in jewel tones.

Rashida Jones!

Better! Not quite there yet, but better. I actually quite like the print but the straps confuse me. Also, is she carrying...a bird as a purse? That seems like a bad idea, no?

Cate Blanchett!

While I hate (HATE) this dress, I must give her many points for wearing the hell out of it and looking poised and polished as ever. It's just that this looks like something out of the Chris March human hair collection.

Brooke Shields!

Brooke, Brooke, Brooke. That dress is ugly and unflattering. There is no reason to put your hair over your bare shoulder when wearing a tarzan dress. You know better than this. Please don't do this to us again.

Sophia Vergera!

Sandra. Lee. Tablescape.

Camilla Belle!

It's a very pretty dress, but I think the illusion netting isn't doing it any favors. A delicate spaghetti strap would have been my choice on this. Also, the lipstick is just ruining everything for me. Lady, it's not 1996.

Gisele!

I don't know. I just expect more from a woman commonly thought to be one of the most beautiful people in the world. Part of the problem is her head - what the hell is going on with her hair and makeup? Also, look G, if your toes stick out that far in your sandals then you're wearing the wrong shoe size.

Jessica Stam!

That is a lot of dress and a lot of blue eyeshadow.

Jessica Biel and some dude!

For real, I kind of love this dress. I just wish it was about 4 inches shorter and paired with different shoes. The hair just isn't working for me either. Maybe I'm just jealous because I could never have bangs as nice as that. On the other hand, whoever that dude is looks fantastic. Just kidding, I know it's Justin Timberlake. Great tux, perfectly fitted.

Emily Blunt!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I am bored. This is boring. Hate the color, hate the hair.

Debra Messing!

Yet again, La Messing wears something metallic and unflattering. Quelle surprise. Hair looks great, though.

Mia Wasikowska!

I kind of love this dress, but it just seems so comparatively demure that I'm having a hard time seeing it as anything other than prim. I think it's the collar. And probably the hair. Where would be the perfect place to wear this gown? I can't think of the right answer.

Rosario Dawson!

Memo to Hollywood: full-length leather dresses NEVER work. True, this is the closest we've come to a winner but man...it's just not.

Anna Wintour!

I will give her this: she dresses in theme. The new Met exhibit (the reason for the Ball, afterall) is Schiaparelli and Prada, so it makes sense that Anna showed up with a lobster on her skirt. The overall look just doesn't work for me, though, with the giant fur capelet and the signature bob. Sorry Anna. Please don't hurt me.

Diane Kruger!

Ms. Kruger is known for pushing boundaries on the red carpet, but I think this is just too much dress for such a wee lady. It looks incredibly heavy.

Ivanka Trump!

Looks like somebody's been reading Fifty Shades....

Rachel Zoe!

I get it, this is her signature look - upscale 70s boho chic. I'm just sort of bored with it and the dress is far too long on her. And - gasp - I don't like that necklace. Additionally, I am concerned that if Ms. Zoe turned sideways we wouldn't be able to see her at all.

Kirsten Dunst!

Similar to the issue I had with Mia Wasikowska's look, this just seems somewhat out of place. I love it and I think it's a great look for Kiki, but she looks like she's going to the world's most upscale 1940s theme party.

Met Ball 2012 - THE GOOD!

My dear readers, I know it's become New Agey around here lately with all of the things you should know before you're 30 and how to open your heart up to love. But I know what you what. I know what you need. You need FASHION. You need GLAMOUR. You need the freakin MET BALL RED CARPET RUNDOWN. Now, for those of you just joining us, the Met Ball is an enormously important gala celebrating the opening of the Met's latest fashion exhibit and it is the best bet for fashion failure. You see, there are designers and models and editors and starlets and stylists and all of the models and starlets want the designers and editors and stylists to look at them and say HER! I MUST HAVE HER IN MY GOWN/PAGES/ROLODEX. And sometimes in hopes attracting attention they just look atrocious. Sometimes they look amazing. Either way, it's wonderful.

There are just far too many looks to get through in one day, so we'll just do the Good today. Enjoy!

THE GOOD

Kristen Wiig!

We're starting off strong by taking Wiig off probation! Congratulations, Kristen: that was the shortest probation this blog has ever seen! Is this a bit twee? Yes. Is it a bit Betty Draper? Definitely. Is it like a million times better than she's done in the past, like ever? OH MY GOD YES. Good job, lady. You look great! (Oh, and dear readers, hold on to you tangerines because there is a lot of orange on the RC this time around.)

Nina Dobrev!

I have absolutely no idea who this person is but she is absolutely killing this look. She's gorgeous, the gown is gorgeous, the train is dramatic, and her hair is lovely. We'll get to Paula Patton in the background there...definitely not in this post. Oy.

Solange!

I loooooooooove this color on her. Usually Solange is dressed up like 6 buckets of crazy but this is demure and fits like a dream. I'm even willing to forgive the lack of necklace because of her absolutely magnificent hair. Big sister Bey might be People's most beautiful woman right now, but in terms of Met Ball, Solange is the winning Knowles girl. (Seriously. Just WAIT until you see Beyonce. It's... holy god, the humanity. THE HUMANITY.)

Renee Zellweger!

 

Hands-down the best Ole Lemon Face has looked in a long, long time. I think I might objectively hate this dress but I have to admit that she is wearing the hell out of it.

Katharine McPhee!

For real, if you asked me last night who would be the best dressed at the Met Ball, there is no way I would have included McPhee, Lemon Face, and Solange on my list. But here we are. It's a new world. A world of apparently the brightest flash of all time and McPhee STILL looks stunning. The dress is phenomenal and I applaud her for not having scary boobage.

Lea Michele!

I mean, it's a shiny, tight dress in navy blue and that's what Lea Michele does all the time, but she is doing it oh so well. I dig this necklace. And I looooooooooooove that she has both The Sev and Donatella Versace behind her. This picture is gold.

Hilary Swank!

I love the construction on this dress, even if it does make her boobs go a little football shaped. I also love that she's not showing us a) side boob, b) her entire back, or 3) her navel. In fact, I love that so much that I put her in the Good pile. Do we think that's her real hair? If yes, how can I make mine do that?

Jessica Alba!

Goddess. I don't generally love Our Little Orange Angel's creations, but this is a winner on her. And there he is! In the background! Knowing how good this looks! I hope that Ms. Alba always wears this antique gold hue - it's gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous with her skin tone.

Kirsten Bell!

I cannot believe she was able to pull off an orange dress so well. This is making me rethink my embargo on buying orange clothes. Beautiful dress, good makeup, love the clutch. Hair is Meh.

Dianna Agron!

Girlfriend knows what works! Soft, green, and ethereal is the winner every time for Dianna. PS, that gigantic bow in the back? It's Christina Ricci. It gets worse.

Yes. Worse even than last year's ode to Kiss of the Spider Woman.

Jessica Pare!

Perfection. This is a woman who knows about accentuating curves in all the right ways.

Ginnifer Goodwin!

Ginny tends toward the Bad or the Meh, but she really brought it last night. Again, orange executed perfectly. I loooooooooooooooooooooooove the neckline of this with her hair. Love. And the shoes are an unexpected, chic color choice . Welcome to the Good, darling.

Carey Mulligan!

Please, everyone, just go Google "Carey Mulligan, Met Ball 2012" and check out some close ups of this dress. It is absolutely a work of art and she is wearing the hell out of it. I love her hair, I covet her makeup design, and I cannot believe how awesome this dress looks on her. Shiny!

Karolina Kurkova!

Speaking of shiny....Hail! All hail! THIS is how you do the Met Ball, my dear readers. You get an absolutely show-stopping dress that fits you like a glove and then you wear a sequined turban. TURBAN. Yes! My jaw dropped about 7 inches when I saw this picture. Karolina Kurkova, you win the Met Ball!

How to Open Your Heart Up to Love

We read The Rules, we listened to Adele, we donated all of the skirts that hit below our knees thereby frumpifying us, we did all of the things one is supposed to do when one has a heartbreak. Hell, if Aimee Mann received royalties every time we played I'm With Stupid on our iPod she'd basically be King Midas. I mean come on!!! It's so perfect!

But! Then! We must open our hearts up to love! Let the sun shine in! But how???? Well, my dear readers, I have compiled this (non-definitive) list for you. Enjoy!

* Whine about it until not only your friends are sick of you, but YOU are sick of you. That's a good start.

* Listen to this song on repeat:

* And then this one:

* See how many times you need to listen to that one until you can do it without tearing up at "oh! she may be weary."

* Find a really good therapist and go regularly.

* Get a really cute haircut! Dye your hair! Buy a new mascara! Get new glasses! Do something different to your head.

 * Fake it till you make it. BY WHICH I MEAN do your best to look awesome even when you don't feel awesome. Do that for as long as it takes.

* I am serious when I say that yoga and pilates will make the world seem easier.

* It may also help to get drunk.

* Don't worry about being "ready" for "love." It probably won't be love at first, and you're never going to be ready if you're waiting to be ready.

* Online dating. There are lots of sites, so see which one is for you. Also, if you hate it, just cancel your account. No big.

* Seriously, just go on some dates. Even with people you think you probably hate just by their stupid profile picture.

* The profile picture NEVER looks like them, so only choose people who say something interesting in the written portion of the profile.

* You know what's great about opening one's heart through online dating? You can do it drunk and in your pajamas, crying over Otis Redding. And, if you use spell check, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

* Unless you have a blog where you actually write the above sentence.

* Because seriously, young girls they DO get weary.

* So maybe you meet someone and they are nice! And cute! And interesting! DO NOT go out of your way to find something wrong with this person. Just smooch them and ask them when was the last time they were tested for STDs.

You'll know that you've conquered your cold, cold robot heart and are ready for love again when you actually find you have the urge to watch Love Actually. CONGRATULATIONS! You will probably still want to punch everyone but Colin Frissle in the face, but enjoy having a heart that feels emotions other than "weary." This is the time to write a heartfelt email to all of your friends to thank them for being patient with you and to offer them some wine. Because even when your heart is open to love, sometimes it helps to get drunk.

Also, knowing that Tina Turner is a goddess

This morning a friend of mine posted a link on Facebook to this list of 30 Things Every Woman Should Know Before She Turns 30. I'm going to be 32 in a couple of weeks (I have no idea how that happened), and I felt a sense of pride mentally checking off a bunch of these items as I read through... here are a few examples...

When to say yes. Done.

How to fake it. (I should note they mean fake like you're an adult, but I would amend to say know how to realistically fake an orgasm also, because sometimes you just need to go to sleep.) Done and Done.

How to order and drink straight whiskey. Oh puhleeeeeeease. Duh.
How to love your own smell. Done.

How to discuss sex frankly with your partner(s). VERY important. Done.

So, okay, this list is pretty good! Definitely better than that crappy Huffington Post you should have a cordless drill and a blace lace bra list. Ladies, we call it a DRILL GUN because that is so much more badass. And we always keep it charged.

I posted the list to Facebook and immediately got some great addendums, so I thought I'd bring it over here and see what you, my dear readers, would like to add.

Annie says, "Whoever wrote this has a little more to learn. You're never supposed to drink whiskey neat if you want to get the most out of it. Whiskey dries out as it ages, so you need to put in even just a splash of water to reinvigorate it and release the flavor."

Erin says, "No is a complete sentence."

Amy says, "I dunno about that paper napkin tampon thing. how 'bout "how to ask a stranger in a bathroom for a tampon" instead?"

Here are my additions:

* How to be supportive of a friend even if you disagree with their life decisions.

* Have a serious and candid conversation with your doctor about your mental, sexual, and overall physical health WITHOUT lying about how many partners you've had, how sad you feel, and if you sometimes drink 8 beers on a Saturday. Because the fact is: they've heard it all and you're only hurting yourself if you lie to a health professional.

* One dinner you can make really well that you can bust out if you happen to have your parents/your love interest/your long lost friend over for dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy; it just has to be good and non-stressful.

* How to negotiate genderqueer pronouns in normal conversation without sounding condescending or confused.

* Being able to recognize what is wrong with this picture*:

Your additions?

*the answer is: EVERYTHING.

Welcome back - here's some cray-cray!

My dear readers! I am back! I have survived a very large work thing and I am here to entertain you once again with pithy witticisms and making fun of celebrity outfits. I was trying to figure out what to write as a welcome back post...something about how we define family, maybe? Something about what happens when an average-sized woman drinks a Big Gulp-sized hurricane in New Orleans? (Spoiler alert: NOTHING GOOD COMES OF THAT.) Something about peplums and how I am sewing them into all of my skirts so  I can eat pizza with immunity? All of these could be entertaining, but none are as entertaining as the brilliant piece of writing I just found via Facebook - Werner Herzog's letter to his cleaning lady, Rosalina. Or, as he begins, "Rosalina. Woman."

I know, it's long. But it is SO worth it. SO chock full of amazing turns of phrase and absolute fury over the "caked debris haunting that small plastic soap hammock in the smaller of the bathrooms." I must insist you read it. Here are my favorite selections:

Tell me, what was there before you were born? What do you remember? That is nature. Nature is a void. An emptiness. A vacuum. And speaking of vacuum, I am not sure you’re using the retractable nozzle correctly or applying the ‘full weft’ setting when attending to the lush carpets of the den. I found some dander there.

The poetic ease with which he goes from nature to the dander in carpets is truly art.

I have only listened to two songs in my entire life. One was an aria by Wagner that I played compulsively from the ages of 19 to 27 at least 60 times a day [...] The other was Dido. Both appalled me to the point of paralysis.  

 This is meant to explain why he cannot tolerate Rosalina listening to pop music while she cleans.

The situation regarding spoons remains unchanged. If I see one, I will kill it.

WERNER HERZOG WILL KILL A SPOON IF HE SEES IT.

Do not fail to think that you are not the finest woman I have ever met. You are. [...] Thank you for listening and sorry if parts of this note were smudged. I have been weeping. Your money is under the guillotine.

We're all in agreement that all currency transactions will now be concluded with the phrase, "Your money is under the guillotine," right?

I am deeply, deeply in love with this letter because I think it is hilarious, completely sincere, and so very threatening. I would challenge us all to write similar letters to people who have done us a very small injustice such as not dusting behind the DVDs, but I don't think we'll ever be able to live up to this standard. Stay gold, Werner.

I have been weeping.

Work hard and wear tons of eyeliner.

I have always been a busy person, my dear readers. Back in high school, I tried to be in all the clubs, do the school play, do a community theatre play, and keep up with some honors classes. That was insane. These days, I work an increasingly-demanding "day career," work with the theatre company I co-founded, maintain a romantic relationship, and try to be a good friend and daughter. Turns out that all takes a bunch of time. I'm exhausted. I am constantly on the lookout for relaxation techniques, calming lotions and sounds, drinking tea called Tension Tamer (alternated with Energy Boost - but Tension Tamer tastes better), and taking little mind breaks.

Over the past few weeks, I find myself actually making time to put on makeup and think about clothes. Why? What is going on? Why in the world is that what I'm concerned about right now when I have important deadlines and big things that have to get crossed off big to-do lists? And then my friend D forwarded along this poem from Bentlily.com

This poem will not endear me to Margaret Atwood

 

I know I should be more discerning
but I want to believe their glossy promises

serums that vow to smooth my hair
chia seeds as good as a nap
the buckwheat pillow that changed that woman’s life
and even though I can’t remember how
and it weighs a ton
I feel good every time I lay down
imagining all the various forms of betterment
ticking away inside me as I sleep.

I know I should be suspicious
roll my eyes
say smart things about not falling prey
say something Margaret Atwood would applaud
in that gravelly voice of hers
that sounds wise and tired at the same time

but as the world thumps onward
festering with problems
sometimes it’s a relief
to focus on your pores.

EXACTLY. YES. This is what I wanted to say! Life is really crazy and busy and there's a lot going on and sometimes it's helpful to just think about frivolity. And watch cat videos on the internet.

Last night my friend texted me encouragement that I'd handled a tricky meeting well and that the tasks of the next week would go well. This morning I briefly saw an acquaintance on the bus who told me I looked pretty. I guess if we keep working hard and keep putting on makeup, everything will turn out fine.

But if all else fails, here's a cat video.

Just a Quickie

My dear readers, I don't have a ton of time to gossip with you today but the Fug Girls posted this photo and I couldn't not show you.

Am I on glue or in this photo does The Sev looks like Edie Falco on a bender? She's all sorts of bad haircut, weird makeup, unflattering dress, and shoes that look like you've chained your feet together. Oh, The Sev. I love you. Never change.

Seriously one of the best meals of my life

I love food. I love to make it, I love to eat it, I love to talk about it. I glory in a perfect meal enjoyed with friends. My hips and thighs will back me up on this point.


--SIDEBAR--

Sometimes I get down on myself about my body but when I think of my shapely legs as the product of burrata and pork belly, I cannot help but feel better about them.

--/SIDEBAR--



This past weekend I had one of the best meals of my life, cooked in front of my eyes by one of my dearest friends. Rosey and I have been friends pretty much since the first day of college. We lived on the same floor freshman year and I quickly came to think of him as a friend I would keep forever. Yeeeeears ago he brought this awesome woman to see a show at the theatre company I co-founded and I immediately knew I needed to be friends with her as well. Luckily for me, they got married. Even better, they invited me over to their new house for dinner this past weekend with our friend K. K and I were buddies in college who lost touch until last year but now we're back and deeply in love with each other and our renewed bond. This is all to say that the company certainly enhanced the meal enjoyed - especially since they are all fantastic eaters!

Rosey has an entire bookcase of cookbooks and is one of the only people I know who actually uses them. I can't remember which ones he used for these meals, though I think something came out of Momofuku and something came out of Top Chef. Whatever, let's get on to this meal!

First course was sake marinated salmon with wasabi crème fraiche, served in a martini glass with pickled red onions and fresh tarragon. HOLY SHIT. I don't know where Rosey got this salmon but it was absolutely perfect. This dish was light with just the perfect amount of heat.

Second course was homemade seafood sausages (shrimp, scallop, halibut) served with a spicy jicima slaw and chimichurri sauce. WHAT!? When I arrived at the house, Rosey was poaching the sausages, formed and wrapped tightly in plastic wrap and my head exploded. He made a honey-chili glaze and baked (or broiled... could have been broiled...there was much wine) the glazed sausages right before serving. The slaw was spicy and crunchy and the perfect complement to the delicious seafood sausages.

And then? And then. And then there were chinese-style pork belly buns. PORK BELLY BUNS. Hoisin sauce, scallions, homemade pickles. You know, homemade pickles...like you do. I cannot emphasize enough how delicious these were, how perfectly the pork belly was prepared, how much I love buns. (Insert joke about "unless you got buns hon".) (Now you have Sir Mix-A-Lot in your head.) (You're welcome.)

So, at this point in the evening, we're all dying from the intense deliciousness that is this beautiful meal. Oh, but there are two desserts. TWO. A cold chocolate soup (WHAT!?) with fresh whipped cream and chocolate-covered cocoa puffs. This was amazing, obviously. And then? Oh, you know, just a couple of batches of homemade marshmallows, one half dusted in cinnamon sugar and the other in peanut butter powder. Peanut butter powder, I should add, made by SCIENCE.

There was only one thing left to do after such an incredible meal: collapse on the couch, tell each other how much we love each other, and watch a tv show called Too Cute about adorable puppies being adorable. I hope you all get to have a meal like this sometime soon.