SAG Awards 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

My dear readers, we are winding down the SAGs just in time for this weekend's Grammys and then before you know it we're at the Oscars. Whew! I love the high holy days! Here's your usual reminder that WTF is not only outlandishly bad, but also outlandishly good and (my favorite) outlandishly bizarre. Let's start strong, shall we?

THE WTF

Thandie Newton!

Birds are back, this time accompanied by fancy horses and a carousel all on the world's heaviest dress. There is something about this that is amazingly fabulous but also something about this that is amazingly "blanket that lives in the back of your Jeep."

Annalise Basso!

It's a fairly standard dress until her sleeves take to the air! Was she allowed to bring two dates so she could make this happen? Seems like it would be an awkward ask. "Look, I want you to go to the SAGs with me but you can't be in any pictures with me because I need you to be my wind machine. Cool?"

Natalie Portman!

She is really committing to a 60s-inspired red carpet this awards season. For the SAGs, she was apparently inspired by crown roast with paper frills.

Laurence Fishburne!

I am not sure if this is cultural appropriation but I am sure that I am delighted by the red lining reveal.

Taryn Manning!

That's either an oddly-placed bustle or she's one half of a horse costume. As for the rest of it, I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Naomie Harris!

I'm not sure there is a harder outfit to pull off than a high-waisted, pinstriped, satin jumpsuit with too-long pants. I've especially not sure why one would try. 

Sophie Turner!

I assume she's giving us options, so I choose the dress on the right. 

Nicole Kidman!

Why put a bird on a dress when you could be the bird? I'm tempted to think that the parrots on her shoulders are like the angel and the devil, advising her to make decisions through the night but LOOK AT THOSE THINGS. They are both evil birds telling her to corroborate every story Leah Remini has ever told about Tom Cruise. Listen to your shoulders, Nicole! We love gossip!

Taraji P. Henson!

WHY ARE THERE TWO LITTLE BOWS FLOATING ON THIS AMAZING DRESS!? This is the Cinderella version of the Lil Kim star pastie situation at the 1999 VMAs and I am here for it. But those bows? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Emma Stone!

Oh dear, how embarrassing. Half of poor Emma's dress ripped off in the limo and her slip is showing. Haha just kidding SHE ACTUALLY CHOSE TO WEAR THIS DRESS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHERE THERE WOULD BE CAMERAS WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER EMMA BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED HELP BECAUSE GIRL, THIS? This is a full Patton.