Friday, February 3, 2017

SAG Awards 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

Welp, here we go. I'll to organize this so they get progressively worse but keep in mind, none of them are good.


Uzo Aduba!
This isn't that bad, it's just matronly and stumpifying. I would love to see her in something gauzy and ethereal sometime. 

Brie Larson!
Her right boob is going rogue.

Meryl Streep!
In one of the most surprising fashion twists of the night, a whole bunch of women wore dresses with birds on them. Personally, I am deeply afraid of birds, and putting them on a long-sleeved muumuu certainly isn't helping me like them better.

Gina Rodriguez!
Here are some more birds, this time stuck on an unflattering flesh-colored dress. Birds are not helping! At this time we will suspend our bird coverage until the WTF. (Thank god.)

Kathryn Hahn!
Someone do something. Kathryn Hahn is out here on this red carpet screaming for help. Someone grab a carabiner, hook onto her dress, and belay this woman to safety.

Rashida Jones!
I am concerned that this is not the only sash and twee little bow we've seen strolling down these major award show red carpets. (Emma Stone is bound to show up in a dress made of just one gigantic bow, like La Kidman in 2007.) In other news, maybe let's not wear turtleneck gowns - ESPECIALLY not with our hair down. There's a big ol traffic jam just under her chin. 

Kerry Washington!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Emily Blunt (seen here with John Krasinski)!
Honestly, my first thought was that Emily Blunt had gotten a massive tattoo. My second thought was more like ugh god why would anyone choose to wear such an uncomplimentary dress? 

Danielle Brooks!
Right away let me say her head looks outstanding - absolutely flawless makeup. Now onto the rest... oy. I get what she was going for but everything is just a bit off. The pants are far too long and I think a more tapered fit would have given this look more polish. I would also love to see this with the peplum extended to dress-length - I think she could even have a shorter dress and keep that train. Lastly, the detail on the fabric makes this turtleneck deeply reminiscent of a cable knit sweater. You deserve so much better than this, Danielle. 

 Kate Hudson!
Trashbag bodystocking bike shorts ode to oil spills, censorship, and also flowers. 

Julie Bowen!
It looks like she's wearing an upside down basket on her hips and all the contents are spilling out over her crotch. And that's the nicest thing I have to say about this dress.

Amy Landecker!
Oh my god, no. Listen, this has happened to me more times than I'd like to admit: you wear something thinking it's "edgy" or "fresh" but it's actually just "ugly" and the jacket is "slightly too short to be flattering."

Janelle Monae!
Excellent, we get to see our point in action: Janelle is wearing a turtleneck gown but has her hair up so her neck doesn't look as congested as Rashida's did. Unfortunately, there are hundreds of other problems with this dress and they are all bunched up on her wrists, around her neck, and across her torso. What has happened here? Someone made a beautiful, interesting dress and then said, "You know what we need? About a thousand fabric flower petals all smooshed together. And a pearl belt. Always a pearl belt."

Taylor Schilling!
Hideous and unholy. Honestly, what happened to these OITNB gals?

Kaley Cuoco!
I took Kaley Cuoco off Probation for just a moment so you could see this monstrosity. It's like mermaid hair, mixed with dusty dream cobwebs, but also throwing your own flower petals walking down the aisle, but also sexy negligee and some random straps and bows instead of a necklace. Okay, thanks Kaley, back to Probation for you.

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