Every year (for many years now) I've been scouring Yandy.com for the newest and most hilarious Sexy ____ Halloween costumes as my way of dealing with the absolute horror that is the patriarchal pressure on women to wear "sexy" costumes. I have to say that over the years I have become quite the connoisseur and find true and deep delight in the absurdity of the genre. I carefully catalogue my findings so that I never repeat a costume for you, my dear readers. I want to make sure you are experiencing only the newest and dumbest Sexy ___ costumes. As usual, please use care when viewing this post at work.
Sexy Polar Bear!
Not too much about this says Polar Bear to me, but I guess I'll go with it. Probably the least exciting Sexy ___ costume of the year.
Sexy Owl!
I have to admit, I was surprised to find even two new animal costumes this year. I definitely thought we had gone through them all. My favorite thing about the Sexy Owl costume is that they chose a terrifying owl face for the hood instead of an adorable owl face. This ain't no Hedwig. This is the owl Sirius sends Harry that bites.
Sexy Political Elephant and Sexy Political Donkey!
I truly don't know why anyone would, but if you had to do a Sexy ___ political costume, these are better than what's coming next.
Sexy Drumpf!
I know I said I don't repeat but this is happening now...Last year we had a version of this with hot pants, but I kind of like this one better with the tie getting tucked into the cleavage. If anyone tells you this costume isn't sexy just say, "You're wrong."
Sexy Hillz!
Before I found this I was trying to figure out how you'd do a Sexy Hillary costume and was coming up blank. Thankfully, the geniuses at Yandy came up with the perfect idea: Pantsuit, hold the pants. I'm with her legs.
Sexy Anonymous!
The knock-off Anonymous mask is one of the funniest and greatest things I have ever seen. I want one so badly.
Sexy Flash!
Not going to lie, I LOOOOOOVE those garter straps.
Sexy Punisher!
Honestly, not that offensive.
Sexy Spiderman!
Spiderman is my favorite of the Marvel superheroes, so I feel conflicted about this. That said, one of the reasons I deeply love Spiderman is because I view it as an allegory for puberty and for coming to find the joy and power in one's sexuality so maybe this is absolutely appropriate. (But, you know, it's not.)
Sexy Harley Quinn!
Inevitably. Saw this coming a mile away.
Sexy Deadpool!
I have to admit I definitely did NOT see this coming! Sexy Deadpool! It didn't even occur to me! I love it when I'm suprised by the Sexy ___ industry!
Sexy Astronaut!
This costume is... OUT OF THIS WORLD! (I'll see myself out.)
Sexy Swat Team!
I need 10-15 volunteers for a project. We'll all get these Sexy Swat Team costumes and then next Halloween weekend we'll go around crashing parties and "confiscating" all of their wine and candy. It's the perfect plan! Who's with me?
Sexy Convict!
You can't just write BOOBS on your boobs and call it adorable! Except that Yandy totally did and I am DYING. I'm dead. RIP me. Please make sure to engrave my tombstone with 80085.
Sexy Snow White!
Embellished corset, cape, gloves.... and just some underwear.
Sexy Mummy!
I guess a throwback Sexy ___ is okay, but this is kind of boring.
Sexy Pikachu!
Oh my god girl, he is totally going to toss his (poke)balls at you.
Sexy Jack Skellington!
This is pretty cool, actually, though I don't know why you wouldn't just be regular Jack Skellington? You could probably wear the same jacket with just some leggings if you needed to show off the shape of your legs. Also, let's see some hustle in your makeup game if you're going to be the Pumpkin King.
Sexy Lydia Deets!
1000% love this. Fully endorsed by Way Too Shay. I would love if this walked into a Halloween party I was attending. If you need a couples costume, just pop over to the previously discussed Sexy Beetlejuice.
Sexy Taz!
They said it couldn't be done, and yet here it is: your regrettable tattoo brought to life as a Sexy ___ costume!
Sexy Paper Doll!
Who chooses this costume? Of all the costumes available in this world of ours, who decides to be a Sexy Paper Doll?
Sexy Sky!
Okay, so this costume has wings on it, so I think it might technically be Sexy Angel Flying Through The Sky but... that doesn't make sense. If that is true. does the Sexy Angel have no torso? Is she just limbs and head and wings and that's why we see the beautiful sky where her body would be? Or is this actually just Sexy Sky (But I Also Wanted To Wear Wings)?
Sexy Guitar!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSS! Why is there a Sexy Guitar!? This might have replaced Sexy Bee as my favorite (read: stupidest) Sexy ___ costume.
Sexy Marijuana!
Or I guess it's the Pot Avenger? I deeply appreciate the placement of the leaves on the nipples. Classic.
Sexy Heart Eyes Emoji!
I. Can't.
Sexy Joke From Last Year!
This costume is actually called Miss Almost Won* and I guess it's a great costume for if you want to look glamorous and you don't mind explaining the reference to everyone all night.
*If you have not already done so, I implore you to go to Yandy's website and look at the names for the costumes. Due to copyright restrictions they can't actually call them what they are so the work-around names are sometimes HILARIOUS.
Sexy Snapchat!
If you are not a fan of subtlety, here's the costume for you!
and finally....
Sexy Alexander Hamilton!
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore
And a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence impoverished,
In squalor, grow up to be a FREAKIN SEXY ____ COSTUME!??!?!
(alternate joke: This costume is reliable with the LAYDEES!)
Well, my dear readers that's it for this year. If you haven't had your fill you can visit Way Too Shay's past Halloween offerings. Happy Halloween to you all and remember: wear whatever you like.
Though they be but few, they are mighty.
THE WTF
Kerry Washington!
I am simultaneously confused and delighted by this. She looks pretty fabulous when you consider the fact that she's wearing a confounding garment. Cape? Check. Pregnancy Peek-a-Boo? Check. Sleepy Muppet Eyes Neckline? Double check.
Amy Poehler!
Oh dear lord, she's been overtaken by lichen. Send for a tree doctor.
Claire Danes!
I, too, have had my struggles with self-tanner, so I am feeling for Claire. Did she think she had to do it because the dress and the hair are so gold? Does she think it's working? Better question: do we know for sure that Claire Danes is not making a movie inspired by Tan Mom?
Carol Kane!
The dream of the 90s is alive in Carol Kane's wardrobe.
Sarah Hyland!
This is not a dress it's a table runner and pants.
Anna Chlumsky!
HOW IS THIS REAL?! I AM SO SO SO THRILLED THAT THIS IS REAL BUT HOW IS THIS REAL!?!?!?! This might be the best/worst dress I have ever seen. This out-Pattons the Patton Scale.
My dear readers, I wish you a very happy new year if you are celebrating Rosh Hashanah today! May your year be very sweet, unlike most of the following fashions.
THE BAD
Amanda Peet!
Why is she wearing a giant, hideous, sequined (sequenced) capital M? Beyond the fact that it doesn't match, is this a cry for help? Is she trying to give us a message? If so, my only guess is that the message is "My stylist hates Me."
Kathryn Hahn!
I was unaware Hot Topic sold formal wear.
Hannah Murray!
It looks like she's being slowly drowned by haunted lace. And then, quite separate from the spooky killer lace, there's a string of Broadway marquee lights around her waist. None of it makes any sense and all of it is unflattering.
Neve Campbell!
The construction of this dress makes it look like Neve Campbell is two kids standing on top of each other, except it's an evening gown instead of a trench coat. I'm actually amazed by how boxy this dress makes her look. You deserve better Neve Campbell Two Kids Who Make Up Neve Campbell!
Priyanka Chopra!
I wanted so badly to include this with the Good because so much is right with this look but every time I look at that peek-a-boo rib action I cringe. Not only because is it reminiscent of tying back drapes but moreso because it makes her boobs look uneven and cuts her torso into too many pieces visually. So close and yet so far.
Melora Hardin!
Oh good lord, girl, who told you this fit you? I will find them and I will give them a talking-to! Quite beyond the fact that it looks uncomfortable, what is it doing to your poor breasts?! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO BOOBS AT THE EMMYS THIS YEAR!?!?!?!
America Ferrera!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.
Minnie Driver!
First, props where they are due: those shoes are the second true nude illusion of the evening and they are confusing the hell out of me - brava. Now onto... the rest of this. She kind of looks like a paper doll with the dress just sort of glued onto her front. The major problem I have is the length; because she is so tall and this cuts off at an awkward position just above the ankle, it gives the impression that she simply ran out of dress. The fit on the actual dress is fine but this silhouette does not flatter her, nor does the color. I'd like to see a different lip color here and much larger earrings.
Mamie Gummer!
Since we are talking about shoes, we have to talk about these. TWO OF HER TOES ARE OUTSIDE OF THE SHOE. Since this is happening on both feet I am hard-pressed to tell you whether this is because the shoes didn't exactly fit or whether this is A Choice. As for the rest of it, I don't think it's a great fit nor do I think it's a very good dress. At any rate, it could use a necklace.
Tracee Ellis Ross!
This is not her dress. I think if it did not have a cutout I would like it very much. Unfortunately the cutout makes her look blocky and disjointed, which is a damn shame because I am loving the styling.
Laura Carmichael!
I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
Jane Krakowski!
I feel like our Jane knows this thing is hideous but she's just going with it. A high neckline doesn't suit her very well. Even though she's bringing us The Leg Show starring Right Leg, I completely forget her leg when I look at her face and forget her face when I look at her leg. That probably has to do with these ridiculous shoes that make no sense. I never thought I'd long for a nude pump but here we are.
Connie Britton!
This is the dress equivalent to Russian nesting dolls: it just keeps getting smaller the further down you go. It makes her look like a Connie Britton cake pop.
Keri Russell!
I mean, if you wanted to wear a white sheath mini dress, that would have been okay. You didn't have to add the chiffon toilet paper trail of sadness.
Mandy Moore!
Noooo. This is some 1976 bridesmaid dress horror story come to life. AND it's sheer from the thighs down, of course it is.
Heidi Klum!
La Klum has never been the model of restrained fashion, but this is next level. This is a perfect dress for when one side of your body is warmer than the other side. This is like one of those half-man/half-woman costumes but it's just half-warm/half-cool, allllllllllllll Heidi. You know what this is? This is a Full Patton.
