Oscars 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

We are finally in the home stretch, my dear readers! We have a handful of WTF entries this time including one of the most truly baffling fashion choices I've ever seen. Ready? I know you are.

THE WTF

Mahershala Ali!

This is the biggest mystery of the night to me. It APPEARS that Mahershala is wearing a second, blue button-down shirt under his black button-down shirt. Here's a closer look:

Are you also seeing this or am I on glue? This is happening, right? BUT WHY.

Matthew McConaughey (seen here with Camila Alves)!

These two were clearly cosplaying as Hungover Bride and Groom. No one can convince me otherwise.

Haley Bennett!

You know what this perfectly nice black dress needs? A mesh turtleneck AND SOME SOD.

St. Vincent!

May god bless and keep you, Annie. And may you sell many cigarettes tonight.

Nicole Kidman!

That's a lot of bow! 

James Ivory!

I once made a pact with a friend that if I ever win an award that requires a speech, I will include "Reese Witherspoon's grandmother" in my list of thank yous. I assume a similar pact was made by James Ivory about literally wearing Timothee Chalamet's face to the Oscars. 

Shane "That Dude" Vieau (seen here with Jeffrey Melvin and Paul D. Austerberry)!

And you may find yourself in Adidas at the Oscars. 
And you may find yourself wearing sunglasses inside. 
And you may find yourself without sleeves on your tux. 
And you may ask yourself: My god, what have I done? 

(Cocaine. The answer seems to be cocaine. Or some other very powerful drugs. The kind of powerful drugs that convinces an adult human to combine a standard tux shirt with a decidedly not standard tux jacket. That kind of drugs.)

Oscars 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

We've got ruffles and ruches a-plenty, florals and sequins galore. You want pink dresses? I got twenty. But who cares? No big deal... we want more! 

THE BAD

Andra Day!

If Whoopi was dressed in upholstery this is a duvet cover. The shoes/nails do not go with this look, fabric is overwhelming, and as for the design... eat your heart out, Anne Shirley.

Tom Holland!

Sweetheart, dear one, Spidey - no. This just swallows you right up. The pant length is perfect but that jacket just makes you look like you are trying to get warm.

Sally Hawkins!

I mean, it was the nicest bag I saw all night but unfortunately it was meant to be a dress.

Saoirse Ronan!

Very similar to Danai Gurira's dress and the critique holds: this silhouette has got to be flawlessly tailored or it falls flat. The reason that dress ended up in the Meh and this ended up in the Bad has to do somewhat with styling and somewhat with dress specifics. It's disconcerting to the eye that the skirt ends at the ankle but then there is a train. I don't enjoy the dye-to-match shoes, the color is no good on her, and - you guessed it- this look could use a necklace. (I also don't think her haircut is even but I've already said enough.) 

Maya Rudolph!

Maya Rudolph was NOT wearing spanx to the Oscars this year no matter what.

Emily Blunt!

This is extraordinarily fussy. The top of this dress looks like the door picture frame from Friends.

Who wore it better?

Emma Stone!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Elisabeth Moss!

Someone has to have a color intervention with Elisabeth Moss. I don't super hate this gown but the color is not flattering and the way it's worn makes her shoulders look wide and disproportional to her body (which they are not). Also the bag is TERRIBLE and doesn't go. Lipstick is good, though. Imagine this in baby blue with the shoulder straps wider, reaching all the way up to her shoulders to give a wide, romantic V and then a gold clutch and nails the color of the dress as it appears here... I'd love that look on her.

Zendaya!

Zendaya presents: an ode to melting soft serve. 

Salma Hayek!

Where to even begin? How about this fabric, which I swear I used in college as a makeshift closet door at one point or maybe threw over some stuff in the corner of a basement to "decorate" for a party? What's happening with the casually draped ropes of diamonds? To me it looks like an extremely high end electric fence - warning! do not touch! 7000 volts! Actually, that might not be far from the truth here... I have to admit the bag has me deeply perplexed as it doesn't relate to a single other thing happening with this already jumbled look. On a scale of 1 to Patton, I'd say this Delia*s back page fever dream is a Full Patton.

Oscars 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

After a snow day off, we are back and ready to dive right into it. We'll start with the crowd-sourced contribution to this pile...

THE MEH

Timothee Chalamet!

With 44% of the vote, The Mehs have it. I agree with what many of you said: from the ankle up, it's pretty good! Sure, the sleeves are too long by a skosh and the all-white makes him appear younger than he is but the real problem here is the pant length plus boot choice. Some comments: "I think it's a bootie issue." - Reader Kate.  "Why the black ankle boots?" - Reader Cindy.  "Shakes fist." - Reader Lois. "CUAN!" - Reader Brbr  

Kumail Nanjiani (seen here with Emily V. Gordon!)

Internationally-Recognized-Imaginary-Boyfriend Kumail Nanjiani looks pretty good but I do feel that the tux is slightly too tight, just a hair too short, and OH MY GOD I HATE THOSE SHOES. Perfect bowtie size, though. (Even though I have spent many hours of my life reading Emily V. Gordon's writing, I still consider her a Normal and that is a shame because I have Things To Say.)

Lupita Nyong'o!

It's pretty and it fits her well but it comes off a little bit pageant sash for my tastes. Simply put, this is not a special enough dress to be worn by Lupita.

Allison Williams!

Just imagine how stunning this would be in a deep rose (and that would be a cute nod to Get Out) with a pinky pink lip stain. It really would have been a wow.

Armie Hammer!

He looks fabulous but why are the pants velvet too? It makes it look less like a tux and more like a Juicy tracksuit.

Whoopi Goldberg!

The shape, the construction, the fit, the style - all gorgeous! The fabric? Couch upholstery from 1991.

Gal Gadot!

It's a pretty dress and she can definitely wear this 20s style well, but I think the fringe is about 2-3 inches too long. The real issue I take is with an element of the styling: she is taped into this thing all along the neckline and at the top front, but not taped in under her arms so it looks like it's pooling there and it gives an unfortunate bulge that makes the dress look ill-fitting. Either more tape or less is the solution.

Beanie Feldstein!

Oh how I wish this didn't ombre. 

Daniel Kaluuya!

Something I learned about myself from this year's Oscars: I love velvet tux jackets with satin shawl collars.  I am excited by this color combination on Daniel Kaluuya but really not excited about the length of his pants. I feel okay about the shoes, but not super in love. 

Lesley Manville!

I actually can't tell if I think it's pretty - I might? Sure? I decided to grade on a curve and include her here. I will say that the way the fabric is used reminds me of how bad I am at wrapping presents and always have to add little scraps of paper to cover up the blank spots I missed.

Margot Robbie!

An elegant dress that fits her to perfection with deeply confusing garland. She could use a necklace and a different hairdo but my god what a great bag. 

Danai Gurira!

I tried to hard to include this in the Good pile but the fit of the dress is off just enough that I couldn't do it. This silhouette is really tricky because the tailoring has to be precise for it to work. It's just a little too long and not quite right in the torso. WHICH IS A DAMN SHAME because otherwise she looks amazing and it looks perfect from the back. Look at this!

Yowza.

Frances McDormand!

On a scale of 1 to Frances McDormand, this was surprisingly not underdressed or shapeless. And I thought her hair looked fabulous. So here we are.

Taraji P. Henson!

It's hard for me to wrap my head around how this dress can be so revealing but also so elegant. I give all the credit to Taraji for wearing it so well. Well, and I give credit to her styling team for keeping it simple with the hair, makeup, and accessories. But we have to talk about a real and true fashion problem that impacts real people and not just stars. We need more colors of "nude" bras. Nude should not default to beige, nude should be a range of colors for all skin tones. Some undergarment companies are getting the memo but there still needs to be more availability. Because I do not wish for Taraji to have her look ruined with a beige bra and I don't wish it for anyone else either. This is my version of asking for nudes.

Sandra Bullock!

Snoozefest. Also, shame on you for doing that misogynistic bullshit bit about lowering the lights so you look younger. Sandy, you're better than that.

Laura Dern!

I toss a dish towel over my shoulder when I'm cooking so, yeah, I get it.

Sam Rockwell (seen here with the amazing and hilarious Leslie Bibb)!

I'm not in love with the fit, I don't like this fabric, and the tie is quite wee. That said, I saw that his cufflinks literally say "Leslie Bibb" so the whole outfit is saved by our shared love for her.

Betty Gabriel!

Oooohhhhh... yes... I love it! Turn around....

Oh no. Why do both the front and the back look like they should be the back? Also am I seeing through the skirt? I don't want that. I don't want that at all. 

Gina Rodriguez!

This dress is pretty cool but I want a shallower V on the top. And a different lipstick, maybe something purple.

Viola Davis!

This color is really fun on her and her head looks fabulous but the fit is wrong on the top of the dress and the way the cups are detailed does not help matters. I get the feeling she had to keep her shoulders scrunched all night to keep the straps up. Viola Davis deserves better than scrunched shoulders.

Oscars 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Good!

Welcome to your heart's desire! We actually have very many looks to cover in this first section, so let's get going.

THE GOOD

Janet Mock!

Yes, hello, everything about this is perfect.

Allison Janney!

Many of you dear readers have contacted me to say Allison Janney was the most improved player on the red carpet and I absolutely agree. This is stunning and fits like a dream. I was previously unaware that I needed a dress with sleeves that are their own floor-length dresses but today is a new day and now I am aware.

Mary J. Blige!

Gorgeous, stunning, and she looked just as good in her performance dress. As we all are aware, I adore MJB and am so delighted to see her bring the glamour to the red carpet. This kind of drama is okay by me. 

Jennifer Garner!

This goes in the annals of Post-Divorce Hotness right next to Reese Witherspoon at the 2007 Golden Globes. This hair is a tiny bit 80s but I'm really into it because I love VOLUME.

Lakeith Stanfield!

First of all this is perfect. The fit, the size of the bowtie, the lapel pin, the shoes, the hem, the hair - all of it is perfect. Second of all, why did they make him do that super awkward bit during the show (which I will not link to)? Third of all, don't tell me anything about S2 of Atlanta because I haven't started yet.

Jennifer Lawrence!

Another one that hit every note for me. The dress is fire, as the children say, and her head has rarely looked better. I do think it could use a necklace but I could be talked out of that due to hair placement. Just love this look on her.

Dee Rees (seen here with Sarah M. Broom)!

I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS GREATNESS.

Helen Mirren!

I COMPLETELY EXPECTED THIS GREATNESS. Also, thank you, Helen, for giving me the pic I can bring to my stylist on my next haircut.

Chadwick Boseman!

Oh hi, I'm a huge superstar now and I wear interesting clothes and look flawless on the red carpet. Adjust your expectations as necessary. 

Eiza Gonzalez!

1000% known as The Girl In The Yellow Dress from this day forward. What a showstopping look.

Octavia Spencer!

YES! This is it! This is the dress! I love the color, I love the shape, I love the belt, but I especially love the way it is constructed on top. FINALLY, Octavia! This is my favorite thing she's worn since the 2014 Emmys.

Jane Fonda!

I am not feeling this alien shoulder pad trend but overall she looks dynamite.

Tiffany Haddish!

This look was amazing! Even if you didn't know the full story behind this look, the gown and cape are amazing and she looks gorgeous.

Kelly Marie Tran!

She. Looks. Extraordinary. 

Laurie Metcalf!

Love this. It's simple, it's elegant, and it's lovely on her. 

Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw!

I would like to give Steven Spielberg a lot of points for finally having a decent hem length on his pants and for being extremely close on the correct fit for his jacket! Grading him on a curve, for sure. As for Kate Capshaw, though I would have gone for just ONE bracelet of submission, she has never looked lovelier. 

Ansel Elgort (seen here with Violetta Komyshan)!

I'm sure into this tux - I like the velvet very much with the satin lapel and cuff and I especially like that he didn't pair it with velvet pants (looking at you, Armie). 

Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti!

They look fantastic. I think Chelsea could use a necklace but that is my only quibble. 

Ashley Judd (seen here with Mira Sorvino)!

Ashley Judd looked great. She kept adjusting the length of the necklace and I personally liked it just a little bit shorter than this. Mira looks great too, but I don't love the dress too much. How nice was it to see Mira?! Haven't seen her since she helped invent Post-Its. 

Meryl Streep!

While I was a little disappointed that Meryl didn't show up in her Comparative Literature Professor costume as I expected, I cannot argue with this. It's a great color, it fits her well, it's sexy but looks comfortable. Definitely CUAN.

Lin-Manuel Miranda!

Everything seems to be in order here.

Greta Gerwig!

She looks awesome. Beautiful dress, outstanding necklace, great makeup, good hair. Well done, G.

Rita Moreno!

Yes, that's right: the patron saint of WTF is rounding out the Good pile today. Our Rita showed up in her 1962 Oscars dress reworked and restyled and IT IS FABULOUS. Love this necklace and the long gloves! Don't know if I would have gone with the headband but who am I to argue with Rita Moreno? Nobody, that's who.