SAG Awards 2013: The Bad!

My dear readers, you may want to open another tab on your browser before we get into this. Maybe some kittens or pictures of Ryan Gosling or something - think of it as a visual sorbet to cleanse your eyes after seeing some of this stuff because BOY HOWDY are there some rough looks ahead. We're gonna start with a bit of a rant...you've been warned.

THE BAD

Anne Hathaway!

What even?! I am SO sick of short dresses under sheer long dresses. It's ugly, it's deceitful, and it must end. ESPECIALLY if the long dress doesn't even have the decency to be properly long. EW.

Angela Kinsey!

Even worse: long lace dresses over short skirts to give the illusion of boob nudity. Nudiboob. Boobity. Ugh. I can't stand it.

Jenna Elfman!

And to complete the trifecta of UGH - long dresses over granny panties. Long dresses that are far too long and completely unflattering over granny panties. Jenna! Do not make me regret your sudden resurgence of relevancy!

Lea Michele!

You guys, straight up, Lea Michele is wearing a skirted table cloth. At least the whole thing is opaque, though, right?

Sophia Vergara!

Shiny, tacky, and ill-fitting. But the worst of it is this confusing neck line. Is it two dresses glued together like Pretty in Pink? Is the middle strap there for modesty? What purpose exactly does the arm strap serve? My head hurts now.

Naya Rivera!

My best guess is that the dress split down the front as she exited the limo and she decided to just go with it. Either that or Naya decided that the SAG Awards was the perfect time to premiere her new burlesque act: Quoth The Raven "Boobs Galore!"

Busy Philipps!

Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.

Ariel Winter!

Young Ariel used to be one of my favorites but she's seriously been slipping. This dress is just absolutely washing her out. It feels awfully young for her and, on top of that, the sleeves are really distracting.

Sigourney Weaver!

WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. HERE!? I am not exaggerating when I say this is one of the worst formal looks I have ever seen in my life - and that takes into account people I see on the street in Philadelphia. It looks like it was made with poorly measured bedsheets and a staple gun. I actually feel ill.

Julianne Moore!

Seriously!? Julianne. Jules. SERIOUSLY!? It doesn't fit! AT ALL. It's a tough white for you to pull off! It's all wrong! NOOoooooooooooooooooooooo.

Kaley Cuoco!

Okay, this dress is pretty, but the length of it with that hair and those shoes.... well, it reminds me heavily of the doll torsos my grandmother used to put on spare rolls of toilet paper to "hide" them. I tried to help you before, Kaley. But you didn't want my help. So I have no choice but to...

...put you on probation. I'm sorry, lady, but I won't be able to include you in my red carpet rundowns until you get your act together. Emmys aren't until September. Use your time wisely.

Jane Lynch!

I think we all just learned a LOT about Jane Lynch's sex life.

Rose Byrne!

OH MY GOD. You guys! Am  I crazy, or is this dress the Laura Ashley-style conservative version of what The Sev wore to the 2010 Golden Globes:

Wait a minute... what the --

IT'S EVEN THE SAME LIPSTICK!

Someone bring me my smelling salts.

SAG Awards 2013: The Meh!

Lots and lots of "almost there" today, my dear readers. Let's see what we've got, shall we?

THE MEH

Julie Bowen!

Let's nip this right in the bud. Yes, it's a leather dress. Sigh. Once again I am forced to state that I have never ever seen anyone wear a leather dress well on the red carpet. But! If this dress wasn't leather, I think Miss Julie would be gracing The Good pile for the first time. I hope to see her in the silhouette again sometime. It's quite lovely.

Jessica Pare!

It must be hard for the Mad Men chicks because they look so great in the vintage wear that it's hard to step into normal life with any sort of 60s inspired hair or makeup and not come off looking "meh." In addition, the dress does almost nothing for her figure. It's pretty, but it's not for her. (Dig the pink coat with giant belt in the background, though!)

Jennifer Lawrence!

Let me be clear: I came SO close to including this with The Good yesterday. It's a pretty color, she's wearing a necklace, the makeup is good... but then I kept looking at it and I just couldn't do it. It looks like she tried a really sweet mini-dress on while wearing a longer gown. And the hair is an afterthought. Oh, Jennifer! I have really high hopes for you! My eyes will be on you for the Oscars, young miss.

Edie Falco!

The dress is a little matronly, but not bad. The hair is okay. The makeup is non-existent. But what really chafes my thighs is the matching cuffs. Did they come with a Lasso of Truth?

Sally Field!

Sally Field is a petite woman with an average-to-short length torso. While a nip in at the waist is a boon to petite women with average-to-short length torsos, a lot of crap glued on to a dress at the midsection widens one's appearance. The color is fantastic, though, and her hair is to be envied.

Katrina Bowden!

Here's what I would do: ditch the sheer fabric up top, lose that insufferable tulle at the bottom, continue the dress to the floor. Now you're perfect.

Jennifer Garner!

What a beautiful dress! Too bad it doesn't fit at all. Jen, you're wasting great hair on an outfit that makes people immediately stare at your crotch.

Sarah Hyland!

Oompa loompa Bratz doll in brothel drapes. Great cut and makeup, though.

Kerry Washington!

You guys, I really want to like this. Like a lot. But I just can't. Between the lace and the unflattering top half, it's kind of hurting me. Much better on the hair, though, Kerry.

Ellie Kemper!

Truth: Ellie Kemper is absolutely adorable. Truth: This dress is doing absolutely nothing for her. Well, that's not entirely true; this dress is washing her out and tricking my eyes into thinking she's growing algae on her bosom. It is doing that for her.

Jayma Mays!

Why did Jayma Mays decide to wear the first draft of Anne Hathaway's Golden Globes dress? Also, girl, you are wee - do not wear drop waist dresses.

Jessica Westfeldt (seen here with Jon Hamm because OBVS)!

You guys, I think Hamm is getting better at assembling Jessica Westfeldt. This time the head goes with the torso - it's just the torso doesn't go with the lower half. (PS, confidential to Jon Hamm: hem your pants and grow your beard out and maybe THEN I'll consider returning your call.)

Julia Stiles!

A) Julia Stiles still exists. B) That neckline if far too wide for her frame. C) She is wearing news anchor hair.

Nicole Kidman!

That's.... a lot of dress. And! That's the lady with the pink jacket in the background again! Yay! I love her!

Jessica Lange!

I'm so confused. Is this a puzzle? Is it one of those things where if you pull one part of her dress she'll spin around like Shakespeare in Love until she's naked? PS, where the hell is Gwyneth? I haven't see her in ages! The one thing I will say about Jessica Lange is that I love her hair. Though she'd probably demand to know why I'm looking at her hair.

Jane Krakowski!

Great dress! Too bad it's the wrong color and doesn't fit up top.

Jenna Fisher!

Our Jenna has never been adept at dressing herself for the red carpet, but this is better than past looks. However. It looks like she's doing a bad impression of Rita Wilson*.

*Note: I love Rita Wilson. Luhv huh. But we already have one of those.

Amanda Seyfried!

Really, really close. I love this dress. Love it. It's absolutely lovely. But let's talk about styling. What is happening with her face? That makeup is ALL WRONG and REALLY SCARY. Also, this is not the necklace this dress wants. It's too much, too long. And would it kill you to wear a cocktail ring!? Or maybe borrow one of Edie Falco's ridiculous bracelets? So close, Seyfried. So close.

SAG Awards 2013: The Good!

Oh hello there! My dear readers, I'm so sorry I've left you in the lurch for the past couple of weeks. The truth is that I got overwhelmed and then I got sick and that's just what it is. BUT it's your lucky week because the SAG Awards happened this past Sunday and we have plenty of looks to judge - my favorite! Let's get going, shall we?

THE GOOD

Freida Pinto (seen here with Dev Patel)!

Loooooove. Love this color on her, love the cowl neck, love the belt, love the cute boy on her arm. Oh, Dev. You are the best accessory ever.

Kelly Osbourne!

This is one of the best looks I've ever seen on her. Classic, sophisticated yet still edgy, glam to the max.  Girl, ALWAYS wear that lip color with that hair color - yes!

Naomi Watts!

This is how you say "I'm a bright, shining star and you should hire me" without speaking.

Claire Danes!

Now, I realize this may be a controversial pick for The Good, but I luh-ove this ... almost completely. I don't love the one sleeve. But I love the detail on the slit, I love the swooping shoulder thingy (technical term), I love the mid-90s makeup, I love the cocktail ring, I love the fit. Well done, Danes. You may now rest until Emmy season.

Alfre Woodard!

Let's make a pact right now: let's all be 60 and know exactly what color to wear and how to look like a fucking legend. Deal?

Jim Parsons!

Jim, darling, you are perfect. Don't change a thing. This tux is interesting, fits like a dream, and may make me reconsider my across-the-board hatred of grey tuxes. Hands out of your pockets, though, you're making your vest look weirdish.

Elisabeth Moss!

Could use a necklace, but otherwise perfection. I'll take one of everything.

Mayim Bialik!

Personal best! Wear this to everything, honey. EVERYTHING.

Tina Fey!

Confirmation that our pretend best friend hired a new, great stylist: I named the photo file for this "La Fey." CUAN, but maybe, I don't know, maybe the belt is enough? That is one awesome belt... No. I always want a necklace with a strapless gown.

DDL!

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself STILL preparing for a David Byrne biopic. And you may find yourself wearing a perfectly tailored tux. And you may ask yourself, My god! How good do I look!?

Michelle Dockery!

Gorgeous cut, beautiful styling, and an impressively small amount of limo wrinkles for a satin dress. Snaps all around!

Justin Timberlake!

My dear readers, this is what we call Advanced Suiting for Men. It is expertly fitted, visually interesting, a great color for him, and fits his somewhat whimsical attitude. Looking good, ya old married man.

Jessica Chastain!

 I would like to remind you that we grade on a curve here. She has dressed so...sadly lately that I can't help but bump her into The Good for this one. Classic shape, great color, beautiful hair, and look at that ice around her neck! Here's the ding and it's a lesson for us all: no one should ever be able to see the outline of your belly button in a gown. Still: greatly improved. Keep going, girl!

Helen Hunt!

ALSO greatly improved. This dress fits her like a dream, it's not just your typical sequined strapless, she paired it with an interesting necklace and fabulously breezy hair! I am so happy! My only minor tweak would be a pop-o-color bag. Maybe something dusky rose or deep purple?

Amy Poehler!

Effortlessly fabulous. Beautiful.

Viola Davis!

Great cut, great color, great shoes, great makeup, great accessories. If Martians ever arrive and say, "Take me to your leader," I'm taking them straight to Viola.

Marion Cotillard!

The first thing that came to mind when I saw this was traditional Korean dresses, though obviously updated in a couture kind of way. The second thing that came to mind is how stunning she looks. Absolutely nailed it.

Kiernan Shipka!

If you're a long time reader, you will not be surprised that Kiernan is once again my pick for best dressed. Everything about this is perfect perfect perfect. It almost brings a tear to my eye - a gorgeous Oscar with very ladylike heels - our little girl is growing up! Don't change, Kiernan - just keep it simple and classic. You are the best.