Golden Globes 2014 Rundown: The MEH

We've come once again to the portion of our program where the looks are almost right. I hope you enjoy!

THE MEH

Tatiana Maslaney!

It's a fine dress, I guess, but it just doesn't fit. That's too bad, because she is lovely and I really like what's happening with her head.

Sandra Bullock!

Here's the thing: I really like this dress. I just don't like it on her. The shoes are spot-on, the hair is what she always does with her hair so I've accepted that and stopped wincing, and her makeup is lovely. But the dress doesn't seem like it should be on her body. I think I would have loved this on Jennifer Lawrence.

Anna Gunn!

That's a lot of fabric in the same color as her skin. The fit from the knees up is wonderful, but I wish this was three shades darker and that she had bothered to put on lipstick.

Kate Mara!

Guys, what are we going to do with Kate Mara? I mean, grading on a curve, this is a pretty good look for her. Too bad it looks so cheap.

Colin Farrell!

How to view Colin Farrell's suit without blinding yourself: find a large piece of posterboard or cardboard. Cut a smallish hole in the posterboard and cover it with tin foil. Pierce the tin foil, making a tiny hole. Through that hole it is safe to view this shiny, shiny suit without harming yourself. On the up side, it's a fairly good fit.

Emilia Clark!

The dress seems a bit heavy and the material gives me a headache, but it's otherwise fine. The styling on the other hand really clunkifies this look. The bracelet alone sinks it for me, but that clutch is just absolutely wrong and I hate her hair in this style for this look.

Gabourey Sidibe!

That dress is GLAM-MOR-OUS and it looks gorgeous on her, but again, the styling sinks it. Hate the clutch, hate the hair, and I want completely different makeup. An iridescent eyeshadow would have gone far in my book.

Taylor Swift!

 This is fine. It's a little bit "oops my dress fell down and exposed my black strapless bra," but I don't hideously object to it. The pinky color is pretty good for her. My problems are that the dress sits a little lower than I believe it is intended to, it definitely Could Use A Necklace, and that lipstick is all wrong.

Olivia Wilde!

I like so many things about this but I really cannot get over the fact that she looks like some sort of elegant supervillain.

Matthew McConaughey!

Yes, that is definitely a dark green velvet tux coat with matching velvet vest. And satin accent lapels. And he definitely said his wife calls him "her king" which is probably one of the weirdest things I've ever heard.

Sarah Hyland!

Sarah obviously chose this from the Claire Danes Collection Of Boring But Well-Cut Gowns. Don't love the color on her and absolutely cannot fathom what is happening on her head. Is that a straight up Sound of Music headbraid? Girl, no. Even Carrie Underwood's wigs looked better than that.


Leslie Mann!

Wait, can we talk about this pose for a moment? Why does she looks like she's in a hurricane? Or needs a V8? It's truly odd. I also regret to inform Ms. Mann that peplums are so two years ago, and this particular gown appears to be three inches too long on her. Great makeup, though!

Jennifer Lawrence!

The internet has basically said everything there is to say about the weird thigh band, so I don't feel the need to contribute to that. Unfortunately, even if there was only one accent around the waist, it would still be a snooze of a gown. I don't love her in true white, I wish she had a necklace, and I think perhaps she is wearing too much eyeshadow. Her hair looks great, I love the jewelry and the clutch, and I desperately need those earrings.

Kerry Washington!

As we have previously established, Kerry Washington is perfection and is always flawless. So you know I mean it when I say that this dress is a crime against Kerry Washington. It's so 1994, you guys. And the shoes don't help matters. I just can't.

Reese Witherspoon!

The color is great and the fit is very nice. So why I am so bored? OH. PS. Can we talk about how out of every single person in Hollywood, the person they picked to introduce 12 Years a Slave is Reese Freaking Witherspoon!? How did that decision get made? I wish you could have seen my face when I realized what she was introducing. In her boring-ish gown.

Michelle Dockery!

Brocade bedspreads without necklaces: the full story tonight at 11.

Robin Wright!

Hello Robin Wright's shoulders. Oh. Robin. Hi. I didn't see you there behind your shoulders. What I'm saying is: this is not the most flattering cut of dress for you. Even that girl in the background in blue won't look at you and she gave up on life when she saw Naomi Watts' dress...which is basically the same as yours.

Jenna Dewan-Tatum!

Guys, no lie: on the morning of the Golden Globes I watched the Lifetime Original Movie She Made Them Do It starring Jenna Dewan-Tatum with my sister and bffs. It was pretty amazing and you should probably watch it. Anyway, I feel like I really know Jenna now. This dress, on the other hand... I don't know. It feels like it's the cousin of Zosia Mamet's dress but it's the cousin who wears more makeup and always has a new boyfriend, you know? Also, I wish it had been let out a skosh on the bust. That just looks uncomfortable.

Ariel Winter!

Far, far too mature. Why is she trying to look 40? Sophia Vergara wore this gown in white to the SAGs last year. Hated it on her, don't love it on you either.

Allison Williams!

Is she afraid that someone is going to steal her shoulders? IS SHE AFRAID OF ROBIN WRIGHT?

Mayim Bialik!

This dress is okaaaaaay but it could be better tailored to Blossom. Also, this dress announces with great vigor that, indeed, the 90s are back in fashion. If we didn't pick it up from all the velvet, this Hot Topic prom gown really seals the deal.

Emma Thompson!

Let us all agree that Emma Thompson was one of the huge highlights of the night, tossing her shoes, handing her cocktail to the heir of Bacon, and generally being fabulous. I am in desperate need of her hair - I just absolutely love it. This dress, though, I don't love. I don't like the length of it, I don't like the way the bodice joins the skirt, I don't like the gold material and the giant rings around her nipples. Emma: you are a gift and you deserve better than this.

Golden Globes 2014 Rundown: The GOOD

My dear readers, something magical happened last night. No, it's not that Tina and Amy wore the opposite colors that they wore last year (tho that was cool), it's that I magically commandeered Facebook and we had a virtual FB Golden Globes party! Oh it was so lovely. This is all to say I'M SORRY if I steal someone's joke. I'll try to give proper credit.

This red carpet was a DOOZY, right? I mean, I'm very pleased that we've seen the end of sheer dresses over granny panties (knock on wood) but it appears that velvet is back in a big, early 90s way. Gird your loins. Speaking of loin girding, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that WE GRADE ON A CURVE for some celebs. So that's that. Let's get down to it, shall we?

THE GOOD

Lupita Nyong'o!

Best dressed of the night. I love everything about this. The color is perfection, the styling is quite perfect (though you know I don't love understated jewelry, this is right on), the fit is a DREAM. I love how fucking regal it is, as if Lupita is all "Bow down." I will, Lupita. I will.

Cate Blanchett!

 This dress. I die. I cannot possibly tell you the fashiongasms that happened on my couch over this dress. She is perfection.

Margot Robbie!

 I don't know who she is or what she wants but she can have it, whatever it is. Gorgeous, simple, elegant, blammo.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

 Girlfriend has one of the best stylists in town. I know this because I've not seen her looking less than stunning in all my awards shows. I love this neckline on her and she even looked radiant while eating a comedy hotdog.

Thor and Wife!

 Okay, so velvet tux jackets are apparently a thing now. I'm not terribly excited about that but this fit is a dream on Thor. Also this is probably the best maternity look I saw all night - classic and beautiful. Rock it out, attractive people having attractive babies.

Kate Beckinsale! 

This could have been fairly standard but the pattern makes all the difference. Thank you for reminding me you exist, Serendipity lady!

Sophia Vergara!

 While it is CLEARLY pandering to the WTS set, that is one hell of a necklace and it is PERFECT for this showstopper Ursula gown. I love that she graduated from mermaid to Ursula. Well done, Sophia.

Lena Dunham!

 Hear me out. We grade on a curve. I love this color on her, against all odds, and I think the cut works for her figure. The bust is faaaaaar too tight on her, but I'll let that slide. Also, I have a soft spot for her hair because that's what mine looks like in "fancy mode." I think she looks better than ever before.

Helen Mirren!

With credit to reader Rosey who supposed McConnaughey to say, "I get older, Helen Mirren stays the same age." Perfection embodied. How could we continue to survive without your red carpet splendor, Helen?

Jared Leto (seen here with brother Shannon)!

 Please ignore Shannon and his egregious piping. Jared Leto looks like a champion. The tux is GORGEOUSLY tailored (if a bit snug, ah rock stars) and he's got the weird shawl going on, which somehow works. Thirtysomething women everywhere sighed when they saw their beloved Jordan Catalano dressed to the nines. [SIDEBAR: Jordan Catalano's bun will make an appearance in another section of the rundown. Be warned.]

Jessica Chastain!

 You guys, Jessica Chastain looks so good it actually makes me angry. Why in the world couldn't she have worn this last year instead of the baby blue saggy boob monstrosity!?!?!? But okay, living in the present... this dress is a dream on her and I am DYING over her ice.

Emma Roberts!

 On one hand, it's basic and standard. On the other hand, it's perfectly executed flawless glamour. Well done, person I have no idea who you are.

Zosia Mamet!

 Yes, girl, yes. This dress. All the time, every day. 

Naomi Watts!

 There is absolutely no reason I should love this as much as I do. But maybe it's the girl in blue in the background who seems to have given up on life the moment she saw Naomi? 

Julianna Margulies!

 Again, grading on a curve. I don't love the bottom really. BUT. This is 800 times better than the sad duvet covers she usually shows up wearing, so I'm all for it. Go girl.

Jimmy Fallon!

Against absolutely all odds, Jimmy Fallon wore the best tailored tux of the night. And I love him for it. But, Jimmy, be a dear and button up on the red carpet.

Amy Adams!

 Somehow I feel that we're going to fight about this but I love this look on her. The plunge, the fancy braided updo, the long necklace, the contrasting reds. All of it: YES.

Laura Dern!

 Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

Julie Delpy!

 Really cool gown, great color for her, looking like herself, and absolutely fits. Julie Delpy, you will always have my heart.

Amy Poehler!

 While I could do without the random stomach notch, this dress looks great on her and she looks gorgeous.

Tina Fey!

 There were some mutinous "Queen of Hearts" rumblings in the peanut gallery but I love it. It looked great on tv and she looks lovely.

Poehler and Fey!

 Like cheese fries and 3 AM, these two are absolutely perfect together. (hate that neckline on Amy but love the color so ok)

In Which We Come to the End of 2013

My dear readers, I hope you've had a great year and are poised for a fantastic 2014. Obviously the beginning of the year holds the majority of our major awards shows, and therefore much red carpet judgment activities, so we've got that to look forward to at the very least!

I have to tell you something. I really hate New Year's Eve. I didn't always hate it; I used to look forward to the fun and the attitude of celebration that fills the air. Now, though, I just feel pressured to do something amazing or have an amazing party or run around and have the most fun ever. Meanwhile, I mostly feel like this:



So here's the real thing about New Year's Eve: I usually end up getting a panic attack around 11:30 PM when I start to think about all of the things I did not accomplish this year. And it's not like the things that pop into my brain are even rational. Last year I had a little cry on NYE because I didn't master smoky eye makeup in 2012. Seriously. I understand how ridiculous this is, and I intend to not let it happen again.

Some friends advised that I make a list of everything I did accomplish this year so that I don't end up in a bathroom at 11:45 PM like:



So I started writing. And I went through WTS and I went through some emails, and I went through my facebook and then I kept writing and then I looked at my list and I was like:



Y'all, I had a busy year. Which is GREAT! But also, I looked at the list again and just felt so tired. I took a break from looking at the list and took a break from checking my email and took a break from thinking about potential lovers and took a break from feeling bad about stupid stuff and started thinking about how I want my list to look next year. I want to be able to list that I wrote the book I'm planning to write



I want to be able to list that taking my show to Montreal Fringe was the greatest experience ever



Most of all, though, I want to be able to list that my family is happy and healthy and my friends feel supported. That would be the best thing for 2014.




So, happy new year's eve, Way Too Shay readers. I hope you see a lot of completely ridiculous outfits that make you laugh tonight. May the leather dress you see not be on your body. For now, though, I must go because I just found out my office is closing at 3 and I have plans to make.

Year End Fashion Round-Up: The WTF!

My dear readers, I am so glad we instituted the WTF category this year. It has been a very WTF year for fashion indeed. While it was difficult to narrow down the category, I have the following finalist to offer you as the most WTF fashion moments on the red carpet this year. BEHOLD!

THE WTS WTF PILE FOR 2013!

Jaimie Alexander at the SAGs!

It's tight! It's short! It's long! It's wide! It's... got a weird strap across her neck. WTF is going on here?!

Barbra Streisand at the Oscars!

The time that Barbra showed up to the Oscars dressed as Stevie Nicks was one of my all time favorite times Barbra showed up somewhere in costume.

Kimbra at the Grammys!

Two things I learned: 1) There is a person named Kimbra, apparently. 2) She is an exotic ice dancer from the 1940s.

Cicely Tyson at the Tonys!

Cicely Tyson: giver of the most uncomfortable hugs at the Tonys this year!

Melissa Leo at the Emmys!

You know, it takes guts to show up to the Emmys in a circus ringmaster costume. I'm just grateful she didn't wear a top hat. Wait, I take it back. I totally wish she had worn a top hat.

Halle Berry at the Golden Globes!

This is the cover image for my new book, When Hideous Dresses Happen to Gorgeous Women.

Julianne Hough at the Emmys!

We should have known some truly truly unbelievably WTF bullshit was coming down the pike from Julianne when she showed up in underwear and curtains at the Emmys. There is nothing you can say that will convince me that this is a good outfit. It was almost my most WTF outfit of the year... alas, I cannot and will not give that honor to anyone but our Kim.

Kim Kardashian at the Met Gala!

I mean, come on. Even the shoes match. And let's please remember, most of all, that this is a glovedress.

NEVER FORGET.