Emmy 2013: The Meh!

Oof, this is going to be a big one. Let's figure out what went wrong, shall we?

THE MEH

January Jones!

Drab, drab, drab. These curtains would be a tastefully girly touch in the home but as a dress they are dreadfully boring. I prefer this over the post-goth black swan look at the Met Ball, but not by much. CUAN, too.

Lena Dunham!

Straight talk: I love the bottom half of this dress. Unexpected color and pattern - very cool. But this dress just isn't right for her. Additionally, I hate her eye makeup with a passion.

Alyson Hannigan!

This really is the worst of the mermaid hair, you guys. To truly pull off the mermaid hair, there must be fullness. I've never been a fan of this silhouette, quite honestly. The only thing that saves this for me is how WONDERFUL she looks in this shade of purple.

Taylor Schilling!

Bright white is not her color. Also, I am deeply unsettled by the high middle slit trend. She can rock that neckline, though, which is also trending.

Leslie Mann!

My only problem is that the dress seems to fade away round about the thighs, much like Marty McFly's brother and sister. If the lining had only gone to the floor, I would have been in love with this dress. And George may have never punched Biff.

Padma Laksmi!

There's something very Diana Prince Goes To An Awards Show about this to me. I'm not sure if it's the gold cuff, the armor-like top of this thing, or the invisible jet. Also, can we just stop already with the midsection cutouts!? (Ugh, just wait till we get to Rose Byrne.)

Carla Gugino!

Midsection cutout camouflaged with football jersey mesh. NEXT.

Kristen Connolly!

Why is she wearing Ikea shower curtains? How could it possibly appear to be too tight and too big? I kind of dig the pattern but there is far too much of it. Great makeup, though.

Melissa Rauch!

So here's something fun: this dress is constructed with fabric to MIMIC mesh football jersey material. I don't know why. I also don't understand what is happening on the side there - is it a train? Is it just a bunch of mushed up fabric? Love the earrings - great color pairing.

Constance Zimmer!

Behold! The fanciest feather duster in all the land!

Cobie Smulders!

We can agree that Cobie Smulders is a made up name, right? Okay, cool. I am not quite understanding the whole "make my boobs look miniscule" bust trend we saw on Sunday night. I think this gown is absolutely gorgeous and then it's got this weird bust detail that immediately diverts my attention away from the dress and makes me sit and wonder for minutes on end whether her boobs really are that small or if it's an illusion. And I'd rather not be worrying about that when the bigger issue is clearly that extraneous train that has got to go. GOWN DESIGNERS OF THE WORLD: stop putting trains on dresses that do not need/want them. Also, Cobie - a necklace would go far with this look. I'm not asking for much, just a little ice on the clavicle.

Elisabeth Moss!

It just looks so heavy. Head is wonderful, though. Keep this makeup artist on speed dial, Bitty. (PS I decided that Elisabeth Moss and I are gal pals and I call her Bitty.)

Laura Dern!

Fussy wallpaper dress and puppydog ears hair. Ugh.

Jessica Pare!

My dear readers, get used to this hemline - it was ALL OVER the Oscar de la Renta show a couple of weeks back. Indeed this is an Oscar, and I have to I'm pretty sure this hemline was invented to keep the shoe designers happy. Not a great shoe choice for this gown - far too heavy and draws the eye down - ESPECIALLY when paired with the crazy bustline. Is it a bow? Is it simply the opposite of the teeny tiny bust thing? (Tangentially, what hath Jennifer Lawrence wrought!?) The color is simply outstanding on her, and though I'd like a necklace, I think maybe it would have been just one more thing going on with this look.

Sarah Silverman!

Raise the hem 3 inches and it's every white girl clomping through Old City on a Saturday night.

Margo Martindale!

She looks completely beautiful but I wish this was a gown. With the appearance of separates, it's only meh. The neckline and sleeves are so gorgeous and I love the color. But let's be real, Margo: that is some mom hair.

Malin Ackerman!

Snoooooooozefest.

Rose Byrne!

It's a pretty dress until you realize she's wearing a formal sports bra with a skirt from Gap circa 1996.

Sophia Vergara!

Classic Vergara. Deep V strappy top, hip swadling skirt that flares at the knees. The surprising addition here is what Reader Kate very appropriately termed "rainbow snowman earrings."

No thank you - gaudy, heavy, weird.. I said good day, sir!

Michelle Dockery!

See? There's that hemline again. I really want to like this you guys but I just can't quite get there. I don't know if it's the color combination or the fact that she looks like she's wearing an ornamental dance leotard... one of those.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

This is basically her uniform and it works just fine for her, but when the fit is not exactly perfect on a glittery column gown, it shows. CUAN.

Anna Faris!

MY EYES!!!!! MY EYES!!!!! You know, other than the color being absolutely and completely wrong for her, her skin tone, and her hair color -  I think she looks fantastic.

Anna Chlumsky!

So close! She looks super beautiful but.... It's a half a size too small, needs a necklace, and dear god does it ever need to lose those hip-a-rific panels on the side. As a woman with hips (and how) I will never understand the impulse to emphasize one's hips with embellishments.

Emily Deschanel!

Her hair and makeup are astoundingly beautiful and perfect. Her dress, however, was clearly a Helen Mirren reject. I went on a shopping trip this weekend with Reader Jackie and she made several comments about how aging lace can be. She was right.

Edie Falco!

Sportswear neckline and big front middle slit. I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Emilia Clarke!

Dull, unflattering, and looks unfinished. Also, is her head really that much bigger than her body or is it a weird camera angle?

Kerry Washington!

Kerry Washington is perfect in every way. This dress, on the other hand, is trying far too hard to be romantic. This dress is the personification of the guy who texts you every day at the exact same time and has no idea that instead of wooing you he's actually annoying you. Give it a rest, dress!

Merritt Wever!

Oh, Merritt! I love you and your awesome acceptance speech ("I gotta go, bye"). This, though - ugh. It's so great in theory, but in execution it just looks like somebody hit you on your head and your torso was absorbed by your legs. Quite simply, you have been stumpified.

Jane Krakowski!

Ill-fitting, unflattering, and because of all of that it looks kind of cheap. Dude. You're usually on top of this. So disappointed.

Emmys 2013: The Good!

Oh heavens, dear readers, oh heavens. Did you see the Emmys last night? Did you see the whackadoodle mesh football jersey trend? OY. Between that and the mermaid hair, I was like "what is this I can't even" all over the place! Additionally, I was coming directly from a fantasy football league bbq, so it was a jarring gear switch. Overall, I was pleased to see a lot of bold color on the red carpet, but far less excited to see yet more sheer paneling and the aforementioned jersey mesh which makes no sense at me at all.

SIDEBAR: more than a decade ago, I was with my original bff waiting for her date to arrive at a bar. We agreed at that if he showed up wearing a mesh football jersey with nothing underneath, we would sneak out the back. Luckily, he showed up looking very nice and their 10 year wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks. AW! Even with that lovely memory, I still cannot get behind mesh. You'll see. It's all in the Bad and the WTF (*cough* Kate Mara *cough*).

THE GOOD!

Allison Janney!

I absolutely could not love this color more on her. It's a dream! Her makeup is beautiful, the hair is nice even though I am SO DONE with the mermaid hair. I think everyone is a little too excited about The Little Mermaid coming out on BluRay.

Morena Baccarin!

Oh yes! This is wonderful red carpet maternity fashion. Lovely color, fabulously appropriate. CUAN*, but that's a quibble here.

Sarah Hyland!

I have no changes. Sarah Hyland continues to knock it out of the park.

Zooey Deschanel!

You guys! This is so refreshing! It's sophisticated and sexy in a non-twee way. Zooey! Look at you! So fabulous! And the ice blue is a perfect perfect perfect for you. (PS - never sit down in a limo again)

Tina Fey!

When I write the Way Too Shay book of how to be in life (but especially on the red carpet) there will be a whole chapter devoted to Tina Fey and how much difference a good stylist can make. Seriously, look:

This was only 3 years ago.

Kiernan Shipka!

Everything about this is perfect and no one can convince me otherwise.

Sarah Paulson!

You guys, I don't want to like this but I really cannot help myself. She carries the color beautifully, against all odds. I just wish it was half an inch shorter.

Jane Lynch!

Great suit, looked fabulous on camera, FANTASTIC necklace, and the styling is exactly right. Well done, Jane. You've been on a very fashionable streak for the past couple of years and I am so pleased.

Anna Gunn!

Okay, let's be real. I should not like this at all, and to be quite honest, the hair is giving me hives. But! I don't know, there's just something so fabulous and striking about this dress that I'm willing to overlook the curtain of poorly grown out bangs. The black lace over delicate pink makes me think she's got a really great secret to tell me later over a glass of wine, I don't know.

Allison Williams!

CUAN and CUADifferentHairdo, but seriously that dress is flawless. I swear she is the only Girl I can count on not to wear a sleep mask over her boobs or some sort of ill-thought-out duvet cover. So, well done!  Comparatively!

Mayim Bialik!

I know y'all probably don't agree but I love this. I tend to try to cut Blossom a break because she has some very specific red carpet challenges (mainly trying to find a non-matronly dress with sleeves poor girl), but I honestly liked this. The color is lovely on her and I can get behind a sheer overlay when it's used in this way. I like the embellishment at the elbows, though I would have skipped the shoulderpads.

Carrie Underwood!

Again with the side swept hair but, she wears it well and effortlessly. I love everything - color, cut, NECKLACE, makeup... absolutely beautiful. There is no problem to solve, Maria.

Kelly Osbourne!

You guys, I need this dress. I need it so badly. Please, Jenny Packham or any stylists who have access to this Jenny Packham gown, please send it directly to Philadelphia. But have it sent to my work because it'll get stolen off my stoop if you send it to my house. Thanks. Oh, PS, Kelly - your hair is starting to wash you out. Change up the color.

Ariel Winter!

She's back! And she looks great! Ariel, I'm so glad you stepped away from the sheer nude sleeves with glued on flowers. This is a much better, much more serious look. Love the color. Good job.

Linda Cardellini!

On one hand, she's wearing a giant vagina on her dress. On the other hand, she looks FANTASTIC. One one hand, she's got the mermaid hair... and a giant vagina on her dress. On the other hand, she was nominated for playing one of the world's frumpiest characters and had to remind everyone she is currently a vivacious, fabulous woman. At the end of the day, this is a stunning look, ladyparts or not.

Christina Hendricks!

High fives and snaps all around! Well done, lady! Also, I need this dress immediately on my body. Delicate and vampy and straight up drama - yes please!

Connie Britton!

True facts: it's a little early in the season for velvet and this dress may or may not remind me of my favorite chair which once belonged to my grandparents. But also true facts: this was my favorite gown of the night. The colors are GORGEOUS on her and I'll even forgive the fact that she didn't wear a necklace. I love this dress and love her in it.

*For those of you just joining us, hello! CUAN is shorthand for "could use a necklace." Learn it, live it.

Get ready!

My dear readers, Sunday is the Emmy Awards!!!

You remember the Emmy Awards, right? Last year featured such hits as Nicole Kidmans' Ice Phoenix Ode to the Vagina; Ashley Judd's ginormous hairdo; and Julianna Margulies once again wearing a floral slip cover!

Just to review, here's who we currently have on probation:

Kaley Cuoco
Debra Messing


If these two want to be taken off probation, they have to land solidly in the Good pile for the Emmys.

And veering dangerously close to being put on probation:

Amanda Seyfried
Julianne Moore


If those two land in the Bad pile or the WTF one more time, I'm going to have to ban them until they get themselves together. It's really for the sake of our collective mental health.



PS, I'm sorry I've been so MIA. It's Fringe time in Philly and things have been nutty. I'll be around more now. I missed you all! To prove it, here's an unflattering photo from like 6 or so years ago:

A letter to myself 10 years ago

My dear readers, I started thinking the other night that as of this Labor Day, I'll have lived in Philly for 10 years. So I wrote my younger self a letter. I'm sharing with you. Enjoy.

Dear Meghann,

You are about to start an amazing decade. I know that right now you are itchy to move out of South Jersey and start your life on your own, but don’t be too quick about it. You are so lucky that your parents had a place for you to stay after college and so, so lucky that they taught you about paying rent before it really mattered if it was on time. You owe them a lot, but you’ll figure that out in a few years.

It’s about to get crazy and fun. You’re about to learn how to use a gas stove  - which is going to seem dangerous and weird at first but I promise that soon you’ll never understand how people cook on electric stovetops. Oh! And in a couple of years, you’ll learn how to cook. You’ll get better at it, even if you do cook those sad little porkchops down to tiny bits of meat the first time you have Colin over for dinner.

There will be lots of work - too much work sometimes. But every time you think it’s the worst working situation of your life it’ll get a bit better. The theatre company you’re struggling to find a name for will be some of the hardest, most rewarding work of your life. One little thing: there will come a time when you’re staining a particleboard wall at midnight and you really hate everything about everything. You’re right to hate having to stain a wall that has already been put up, but look around because this is you and your best friends living your dream. Don’t be fooled into thinking that “living the dream” is actually fun - mostly it’s hard work with some exceptionally fun moments. Also, don’t be fooled into thinking you have new freckles on your face - those are just little splotches from the stain.

I know that right now you’re still reeling from that horrible heartbreak. Ten years from now you’ll be friends again and it won’t hurt anymore. You’re going to find a couple more people to love in the next ten years and you’ll learn so much. Don’t try to be so cool; you don’t pull it off that well anyway.

The thing you don’t know is how much Philadelphia will become a part of you and that living here will sometimes define you. It’s more than cheesesteaks and Eagles games. (Although I’m a little jealous on this side of the decade that you’re about to experience the Linc for the first time and that you’ll get to enjoy a few years of winning sports teams. Spoiler alert: pay attention to the Phillies in 2008. It’s going to be really fun except for those “saved by zero” commercials. Ugh, you’ll know what I mean.) No, the thing is this: inch by inch you are going to layer your life onto these blocks, those buses, that building. By the time you’re where I am, you’ll hardly be able to walk half a mile without having a million memories.

This corner here is all at once the theatre where you opened the first show you directed in Philly and the patch of sidewalk you stalked when your friend was so terrifyingly ill in the middle of a show and also where you waited for the bus after a second date with that jerkface journalist who liked your thighs (his only redeeming quality - don’t worry, you won’t have to deal with him for long).

This building is where you’ll spend months and months and days and nights in rehearsal or building sets. You’ll cry in there a lot, sometimes out of frustration with an actor, sometimes out of sympathy for a friend who is losing her father, sometimes out of sheer exhaustion because you just got through 13 hours of tech and now you have to stay late and paint the set. But in this building you will also form some amazing friendships, have glorious moments of beautiful work, laugh and laugh and laugh when that girl walks through the damn daisies (just wait - it’s so good), and perform (oh right, forgot to tell you - you’ll end up performing again, mostly naked - don’t think about it too much).

Over here, on this commercial corner, you’ll feel the greatest stress and the greatest elation of your life - you’ll see that soon. You’ll live through it and it will make all the difference.

It’s sort of like this extensive modge podge project that you just can't seem to finish. Things get layered over each other but exist harmoniously; never one experience trying to edge another out, rather all of the experiences building up until you sit where I am on the other side of Broad and realize that moving to South Philly was the best decision you ever made.

A few things to keep in mind:

*There is no such thing here as never seeing someone again so be gracious and kind to absolutely everyone.

* Eat at good restaurants. We have a lot of them and they deserve your time and money. I am so excited for you to experience such amazing food in the next ten years!

* It’ll be a lot easier for people to get the spelling of your name right if you go with Meg instead of Meghann.

* Cynicism is a trap and doesn’t do you any good.

* Sometimes it doesn’t matter if the play is good or bad as long as the experience of putting it together was great. You don’t have to try so hard to show your work.

*Finally, be extremely present and engaged when spending time with people, especially Aunt Dixie, Uncle Warren, Single Guy and Jackie Kay and Mel (you'll meet those girls later - you’ll adore them).

Welcome to Philadelphia!. You're going to love living here.

Love,

Meg

I want you to experience this with me.

I am not the type of person who relishes the idea of going on vacation alone. When I have vacationed alone, I have gone to visit out of town friends. I consider an unshared experience a lesser experience. I prefer to see movies and plays with people so we can talk about it after the lights come up. I like the idea of book clubs so that when I finish, say, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, I have other people who know exactly how wonderful Mindy Kaling is.

And so, my dear readers, I give you the following recommendations with my full heart, hoping that you have already experienced the wonders of these things and can gush with me.

Looper
I guess the other thing I should tell you is that I get nervous about watching movies I haven't already seen because my brain works this way: if I don't like it, I will have wasted my time watching it. Some would argue that by rewatching movies a million times I'm wasting my time in a much more despicable way. I counter that at least I know I will have an enjoyable couple of hours. Potayto Potahto.  Because of this I am usually about 6 months or so behind pop culture. I know I am behind on Looper but now it's all I can talk about. Absolutely well done, fun, exciting, awesome. Have you seen Looper? Let's email about it and talk about time travel and how improbable it is that Bruce Willis is still a stone cold fox.

Three Things You Should Know About Peggy Paula by Lindsay Hunter
Go read this now. Just go. It's so so so wonderful. Did you finish reading it? Okay, let's go get some iced tea and talk about writers who make you hold your breath and how sometimes a short little snapshot of a piece can make you feel like sunlight is pouring out of your fingertips.

Dogojolo
I've been pushing this fairly inexpensive red wine on friends ever since my friend Candace (who lives a double life as a wine snob and a pin up goddess) recommended it to me for my 30th birthday. Now I'm pushing it on you. The label is pretty, the wine is tasty, the price is right. Do you want to have some wine?  I'll be there. Just let me know. We can talk about Looper and how I never recognize Emily Blunt in any movie ever.

Water with fruit in it
Dudes. My roommate makes raspberry lime water. It's heaven. And pink. Pink heaven. I die. Want to come over and hang out with me and Liz and drink water? She's a delightful person and I will try to make you laugh.



Okay, now it's your turn to sell me on something you love and want to talk about. Go!

Short Lists of Literary Characters

LITERARY CHARACTERS I WANT(ED) TO BE

Anne Shirley
She's the best. She's a writer with a stubborn will. She has the best best friend in the world. She has the awesomest adoptive parents. She never ever apologizes for dreaming. She makes her dreams come true. She's smart as hell. And then there's the whole Gilbert Blythe wonderfulness.

Jo March
Smart, talented, progressive, true to herself even if it means turning down the oh-so-wonderful Christian Bale Laurie. She's the coolest of the March sisters and got a sweet bob haircut before it was hip.

Minerva McGonagall
Head Bitch In Charge. The epitome of stoic affection.

Francie Nolan
Has anyone ever enjoyed a bag of peppermint candies more than Francie Nolan? Has anyone ever been as truthful about her own life? She made me want to read only Shakespeare and the Bible, which is saying something.

Daisy Buchanan
Just because I thought it would be ever so romantic to entrance someone to such a degree. Also, think of the clothes!

Buddy Glass
The entire family's favorite brother. Super smart, extremely wise, makes a wicked Tom Collins.

Dinah The Christmas Whore
So very much her own person and not a bit apologetic.



LITERARY CHARACTERS I WANT(ED) TO PUNCH IN THE FACE

Clarissa Dalloway
As bad as I feel that she had not the option to be with Sally, go fuck yourself for being all holier than thou for picking up your own flowers for a party. I'm sorry you married the wrong guy.

Amy March
Oh my god, Amy March. She's the WORST. What kind of a woman marries the dude her sister turned down?! And this is AFTER she threw Jo's manuscript in the fire.

Mrs. Bennet
I know it's kind of the point, but she's the most meddlesome creature this side of Rachel Lynde. Every single thing she says makes me roll my eyes. And I just cannot figure out how Elizabeth could possibly be the least dear of all her children. I mean, Lydia exists.

Fucking Lydia Bennet
Fucking Lydia. THE WORST.

Dolores Umbridge
All I need is one "hem hem" and I'm in the AngerDome.

Holden Caulfield
Goddamn phony. Seriously, everything this kid does irritates me.

Hamlet
Shut up, Hamlet.



LITERARY CHARACTERS I GENUINELY LOVE(D) WITH ROMANTIC FEELINGS

Mark Darcy
He's aloof, sure, but he's also amaaaaazing.

Sirius Black
Woof.  [SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!]

Jo March
One of those want to be her/ want to be with her type things. Very confusing when I was 12. Also, I tend to be more and more confused with each reading (and as I get older) how Jo March was strictly dickly. Because, no.

Gilbert Blythe
The gold standard.

Christopher Robin
When I was 7 I was convinced I was in love with Christopher Robin. He's a pretty awesome guy.

Matilda Wormwood
Another early favorite. I thought for sure my soulmate was anyone who felt like I did about reading.

Let me be quite clear about the last two here: I was in love with these CHILDREN when I was myself a CHILD. Nothing untoward happening here.

Important Facts About Coloring Your Own Hair

My dear readers, I love to dye my hair. I love the slight burning tingling sensation on my scalp. I love the distinctive smell of the dye. I love to spend a full 10 minutes choosing between 3 boxes of pretty much exactly the same shade of red. I love to use the deep conditioner after I've rinsed out the dye. I'm being completely serious here - I love it.

Since I have been dying my hair for a million years (approximately), I thought I would impart some of the wisdom I've gained. Ready? Great, because this is ACTUAL ADVICE. But quick, important note: I pretty much only have experience coloring white girl hair and dying it darker. Please be advised, I am only an expert about my own head.

Choosing Hair Color

* Brands are important and differ from hair type to hair type in effectiveness. You might have to experiment a little to find what works for you. My baby fine hair loves Garnier Nutrisse and Feria. My roommate's baby fine hair loves ColorSilk. Play around. There are a TON of options.

* COUPONS. Look for coupons. Hair color can get pricey.

* Really look at the color on the box. Many boxes will have some sort of grid that shows what happens when you apply that color on brunette or blonde hair. It's not terribly accurate or helpful but it's a start.

* Remember that it will most definitely fade. That means that if you end up with a color you don't like, give it a week because it might settle into something you DO like.

* Really look at the color on the box, part 2. If you want to dye your hair black, make sure you know the difference between jet black and blue black. Turns out, blue black might dye your hair dark indigo if you have light hair. Just ask my friend Mike whose hair I once accidentally dyed dark indigo. Sorry, Mike.

* A word about dying your hair black: this is a commitment. It's like the unforgivable curses, you have to MEAN IT. Because I am here to tell you that if you get sick of your hair being dyed black, you only have two options: let it grow out or buzz your head. Once, when my dyed black hair was in the process of growing out, I decided I had had ENOUGH so I dyed it red. I thought that probably the red would meld with the black and I'd have a black cherry effect. Very wrong. The dye only took on my roots, so I looked like I was bleeding from the scalp.

* But! If you really hate it? Just dye it again something closer to your natural color. CAVEAT: If you have gone darker or redder than your natural blonde, you might not actually want to do this because you might end up with hair the color of processed cheese product.

* I'd give it three days before dying it for the second time, if you can handle the wait. And if you DO dye it twice in a short amount of time, get a really good deep conditioner and apply that every day for a week. Aussie makes a super nice 3 minute remedy.

* Look, sometimes you're going to use the same box, same brand, same color and it's going to come out slightly differently. That's just how it goes.


Prepping for Application

* Have a clear workspace/sink/counter.

* If you're doing your own, have a mirror available in addition to the bathroom mirror.

* Dress for success. I wash my hair dye out in the shower (nope, doesn't dye your body when you wash it out), but you can also rinse in a sink or in the tub if you have a tub. If you are planning to get in the shower, wear clothes that you don't mind ruining that can come off in a way that does not go over your head. I have dyed my hair shirtless before, but that's just asking for dye stains on your boobs.

* Before you even mix the ingredients together, apply vaseline or conditioner to your forehead, ears, behind the ears, just below your hairline all around. This helps keep the dye from staining your face, which it definitely will. Vaseline works best but I understand that it's a concern for people with oily skin to put petroleum jelly on their face. Conditioner works too.

* Don't use the conditioner that comes in the box to prep your face. That is precious and you need every bit of it.

* Have long hair? Have a plastic claw clip ready so you don't have to worry about the wet dyed hair flying into your face while you let it set.

* Follow the directions on how to mix the ingredients. Even if you've done this a hundred times, you never know - something might be different.

* So you're shaking up the bottle of stuff to get the color activated. Definitely shake away from your face. Also, I like to discard the first little spurt out of the bottle because it is never fully mixed.

And Then You Dye Your Hair

* Make sure all of your hair is saturated.

* Use your double mirrors to make sure you got the nape of your neck completely without also dying your entire neck and back.

* The clock starts as soon as you are finished, not as soon as you start.

* Once the dye is on and the clock has started go ahead and secure long hair on top of your head with that claw clip.

* Absolutely as soon as you have started the clock, take off those gloves and get rid of them. NOW take a cotton ball or similar, put some shampoo on it and clean up your face, neck, ears, etc. This is the time to wipe the vaseline or conditioner off your face. If you see some dye starting to stain your skin, scrub away with the shampoo.

But It's So Boring!

* UGH. Now you have to wait 25 minutes until you can do anything. You can't lean against anything because you have a head full of paint, and you can't do anything interesting because you have a head full of paint.

* Make a cup of tea or a pour a glass of wine.

* Since you HAVE to sit still for 25 minutes, now is a great time to paint your nails.

* Also, maybe pluck your eyebrows.

* Or watch an episode of Strangers With Candy.

* Or be like me and multi-task with a nose strip and nail polish.

and a muumuu without a bra

Let's Wash It Out!

* Rinse completely. For real, this is going to take way longer than you think.

* Slather as much of that glorious conditioner on your head as you can and leave it on as long as you can.

* Rinse the conditioner completely. 

* Make sure you clean up any dye splotches or spills as soon as possible, especially from tile. 

* If you dye your hair red and rinse it in the shower, it may or may not look like the end of Fatal Attraction in there when you're done. Be nice and rinse it off.

Congratulations! It's the new you!

Better Living Through Scarves

My dear readers, I had an amazing idea yesterday morning while getting ready for work. I put on a dress I usually wear with one of my many belts, but I really didn't feel like wearing the belt I usually wear. (This is because said belt necessitates a pair of shoes that are a bit annoying to wear.) So I decided to see what the dress would look like with a polka dot scarf I own.*

It looked better than normal AND I didn't have to endure the entire work day adjusting my belly fat above and below the belt while sitting at my desk. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

That got me thinking about my closet and how I could re-imagine parts of my wardrobe. I'm a little bored with my clothes, to be honest, but I'm in a place where I don't want to buy new clothes. And I really don't want to go clothes shopping because it is THE WORST. I love shopping for other people but going shopping for myself is the most boring, annoying thing I'm "supposed" to like.

So anyway, I'm giving myself a couple of hours this weekend to go through my closet and try things out in different ways. Maybe I'll see what that pink dress looks like with my combat boots. Maybe I'll try out my Janet Livermore dress with some sandals and jewelry instead of the black tights and boots I always wear. I'll let you know how it goes.

* A quick word about scarves - I love scarves. I love big winter scarves and I love to use scarves as belts. I have never been able to make a jaunty scarf around the neck work for me, though. I have friends who pull this off beautifully, but I always just sort of look like I'm hiding a hickie. In fact, if you see me with a scarf around my neck, I probably AM trying to hide a hickie.

Best scarf-wearer of all time?

obvs.

Ways to Deal with Stress

I think leftover expectations from my school years coupled with the fact that, generally speaking, theatre seasons are Fall through late Spring have combined to make me always expect Summer to be easy-breezy. Vacations, day drinking, picnics and barbeques, flitting about like a woman who laughs alone with salad - I just sort of want to do nothing in the Summer months. But I'm here to tell you that this is not the case. For starters, my day career kicks into extremely high gear round about the middle of June and pummels away at my patience and tolerance until September. For enders, I think we all want to cram as many fun things into each Summer as possible, making every free moment an opportunity to "enjoy the weather."**

What I'm trying to tell you is that I'm a bit of a ball of stress. Not to mention I've been trying to avoid/deal with some low-grade depression, which makes all of this a lot more fun.

Mental Health America's first question to determine whether you are stressed or not is "Do you find yourself 'eating emotionally': eating unhealthy foods or eating when you’re not hungry, as a response to stress or difficult feelings?" I figured I was in deep trouble when my first thought was, "Is there another way to respond???"

So I looked up a few tips on "dealing with stress" and they are, well, kind of hilarious. Spoiler Alert: absolutely none of them recommend soothing oneself with pizza. Damn it. Here are some highlights:

from Mental Health America:
Connect with others
Stay positive
Get physically active
Help others
Get enough sleep
Create joy and satisfaction
Eat well
Take care of your spirit
Deal better with hard times
Get professional help if you need it

from WikiHow:
Work your body out
Get enough sleep
Eat properly
Learn to relax

from American Heart Association:
Count to 10 before you speak.
Take three to five deep breaths.
Walk away from the stressful situation, and say you'll handle it later.
Go for a walk.
Don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry" if you make a mistake.
Set your watch five to 10 minutes ahead to avoid the stress of being late.
Break down big problems into smaller parts. For example, answer one letter or phone call per day, instead of dealing with everything at once.
Drive in the slow lane or avoid busy roads to help you stay calm while driving.
Smell a rose, hug a loved one or smile at your neighbor.


OKAY. So some of these are helpful (breaking problems into smaller parts, sleep, eat actual food, go for a walk) but some of these are TOTAL BULLSHIT. Learn to relax?! Oh thank you, I will do that immediately. Take care of your spirit? What even! Smell a rose!? SHUT UP. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, and I used to regularly listen to morning shows on rock stations. I decided to make my own list of tried and true methods that I will be rolling out on the regular. Buckle up.

HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESS
* Actually, yes, eat actual food that has vitamins and nutrients in it. You will feel better AND if you're eating kale or something like that you can feel all smug and fancy. All the better.

* Actually, yes, go to the gym or take a yoga class or zumba or something that will make you not just sit in front of the couch until you run out of episodes of Sherlock. You can use Sherlock as a motivator, as in  "After I do 20 mins of cardio, I am totally going to watch Sherlock." You guys have seen Sherlock, right? It's a wonderful motivator.

* Actually, yes, sleep. Sleep is good. I don't have a lot of time for people who think sleep is for the weak. I used to be one of those people. To my 22 year old self I say: Self, you are an idiot. Get more sleep. Your skin will look better.

* Two words: Dance. Party. This is the best stress buster I know. It can be a dance class, a night out at some club or something, an impromptu kitchen dance party with some friends, or an all-out, balls-to-the-wall, sweaty-as-you-can-be solo dance party in your room with the door closed. The advantage to the solo dance party is that no one will judge you when you bust out some Backstreet Boys. And maybe know all the moves. And maybe pretend you are a Backstreet Boy. It's fine. No one will know.

* There is a time and a place for this one, but one of the best stress relief techniques I know is, ahem, la petite mort. Helpful AND fun.

* Maybe this has to do with "taking care of your spirit" but I feel very strongly that little things that make you happy are worth the extra bit of time. Nothing makes me happier than looking down and seeing my nails nicely shaped and painted a pretty color. It takes me about 20 minutes to make this happen. It's worth it. (My nails are currently painted a color called "Mint." I had them painted this color for a date a few months ago and the dude I was out with commented in a disparaging way about 30 year old women wearing "teenage nail polish." I held out my hand and said, "Like this, you mean?" You should have seen his "OH CRAP" face. Still not sure if  the "OH CRAP" face was because he no longer wished to be seen with me or because he thought that was going to ruin his chance with me. The rest of his personality was so awful, the nail polish judgment was but a blip.)

* Fantasize about something nice. Whether that means trolling the real estate listings in Paris, or looking up the statistical possibilities of actually meeting and talking to Gloria Steinem, or planning what you would do with three million dollars... just do that for a few minutes. It sucks to come back to reality but it's nice to think about your alternate life where Michelle Obama calls you to see if you think she should grow out her bangs. (Eh, maybe?)

* When all of that fails, just keep this photo handy and know that you'll be okay.

** Not that Philadelphia has had weather to enjoy lately, unless you are like Shirley Manson and are only happy when it rains. PS you guys  - where did Shirley Manson go? I never mastered eyeliner quite the way she did.

Important Fashion News

My dear readers,

we just witnessed the return of the business suit and sneakers look. It's on!

Tony Awards 2013: The WTF!

Okay, I still have 10 minutes left on my lunch hour, so let's bust this out, shall we? Please remember that WTF can be good or bad. Usually bad, though, right?

THE WTF!?

Alan Cumming! 

Boyfriend knows how to make a sartorial statement, doesn't he? The suit is exquisitely tailored and I love the boldness of an all-white ensemble... but at the same time I have to say that he reminds me strongly of a Q-tip wearing a bowtie. (Not to be confused with Q-Tip wearing a bowtie.)

Laurie Metcalf!

Oh, that Aunt Jackie, always wearing wall sconces as dresses.

and finally.... oh my god... it's so good...

Cicely Tyson!

In the words of reader Mandy, she is wearing the inside of a coffin.