Short Lists of Literary Characters

LITERARY CHARACTERS I WANT(ED) TO BE

Anne Shirley
She's the best. She's a writer with a stubborn will. She has the best best friend in the world. She has the awesomest adoptive parents. She never ever apologizes for dreaming. She makes her dreams come true. She's smart as hell. And then there's the whole Gilbert Blythe wonderfulness.

Jo March
Smart, talented, progressive, true to herself even if it means turning down the oh-so-wonderful Christian Bale Laurie. She's the coolest of the March sisters and got a sweet bob haircut before it was hip.

Minerva McGonagall
Head Bitch In Charge. The epitome of stoic affection.

Francie Nolan
Has anyone ever enjoyed a bag of peppermint candies more than Francie Nolan? Has anyone ever been as truthful about her own life? She made me want to read only Shakespeare and the Bible, which is saying something.

Daisy Buchanan
Just because I thought it would be ever so romantic to entrance someone to such a degree. Also, think of the clothes!

Buddy Glass
The entire family's favorite brother. Super smart, extremely wise, makes a wicked Tom Collins.

Dinah The Christmas Whore
So very much her own person and not a bit apologetic.



LITERARY CHARACTERS I WANT(ED) TO PUNCH IN THE FACE

Clarissa Dalloway
As bad as I feel that she had not the option to be with Sally, go fuck yourself for being all holier than thou for picking up your own flowers for a party. I'm sorry you married the wrong guy.

Amy March
Oh my god, Amy March. She's the WORST. What kind of a woman marries the dude her sister turned down?! And this is AFTER she threw Jo's manuscript in the fire.

Mrs. Bennet
I know it's kind of the point, but she's the most meddlesome creature this side of Rachel Lynde. Every single thing she says makes me roll my eyes. And I just cannot figure out how Elizabeth could possibly be the least dear of all her children. I mean, Lydia exists.

Fucking Lydia Bennet
Fucking Lydia. THE WORST.

Dolores Umbridge
All I need is one "hem hem" and I'm in the AngerDome.

Holden Caulfield
Goddamn phony. Seriously, everything this kid does irritates me.

Hamlet
Shut up, Hamlet.



LITERARY CHARACTERS I GENUINELY LOVE(D) WITH ROMANTIC FEELINGS

Mark Darcy
He's aloof, sure, but he's also amaaaaazing.

Sirius Black
Woof.  [SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!]

Jo March
One of those want to be her/ want to be with her type things. Very confusing when I was 12. Also, I tend to be more and more confused with each reading (and as I get older) how Jo March was strictly dickly. Because, no.

Gilbert Blythe
The gold standard.

Christopher Robin
When I was 7 I was convinced I was in love with Christopher Robin. He's a pretty awesome guy.

Matilda Wormwood
Another early favorite. I thought for sure my soulmate was anyone who felt like I did about reading.

Let me be quite clear about the last two here: I was in love with these CHILDREN when I was myself a CHILD. Nothing untoward happening here.