Every year (for many years now) I've been scouring Yandy.com for the newest and most hilarious Sexy ____ Halloween costumes as my way of dealing with the absolute horror that is the patriarchal pressure on women to wear "sexy" costumes. While I am personally against Sexy ___ costumes, I am also intensely delighted by the truly ridiculous ones. This sort of started years ago when I saw an ad for a Sexy Bee costume. I couldn't imagine anything funnier. Soon thereafter, IN REAL LIFE, I saw a Sexy Sherlock Holmes at a party: deerstalker hat, magnifying glass, and a houndstooth skirt no longer than a butt cheek. I imagined the party goer thinking, "I love Sherlock Holmes, but I also love my bare thighs. WHAT TO DO!?" Anyway, here we are these many years later and I have all new Sexy ___ costumes for you! Buckle up, there are like 50. Also, as usual, please use care when viewing this post at work. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I FOUND A SEXY DUDE COSTUME!!!!!!!!!!!! Sexy Pilot!
I mean... OK. This is as "sexy" as it gets for dude costumes. I love the cuffs detail. SEXY CREATURES Sexy Seahorse!
We have to start here because this was my favorite thing I found. It's whimsical and iridescent! Sexy Monkey!
Last year we had a sock monkey, so you can imagine my delight to find a monkey-monkey this year. Just think of all the fun you can have with bananas while wearing this costume! Sexy Penguin!
This is clearly a well-cared-for unicorn. Look at the plumage! We had a little window into a rainbow belly on the first option but this one is a rainbowsplosion! Sexy Goldfish Traditional Sexy Option!
...and then there's BEINGA SEXY GOLDFISH. As much as I love the fin ruffles on the first one, the butt fin on this is truly art. Sexy Mermaid Little Skin Option!
You know, it takes a lot for me to be surprised by a Sexy ___ costume anymore, but I did not expect to see Harry and Lloyd get Sexy-fied. Oh and obviously there is Lloyd... Sexy Lloyd Christmas!
Just the thought of velour hot pants riding up my crotch all night gives me a yeast infection. Sexy Leia!
When you want to be Sexy Leia but don't feel like wearing a gold bikini. Sexy Darth Vader!
This is a bathing suit with a hooded cape. In a related story, I now desperately need to own a Darth Vader one piece swimsuit. Sexy Chewbacca!
Seriously? With the riding crop? I won't make the joke that comes to mind. Sexy Witch!
The thing I like best about this costume is that it simply hints at a skirt with a couple of random squares of tulle. Sexy Carhop!
This is actually fairly adorable. Add rollerskates if you have that skill. Sexy Voodoo Doll!
This is almost like an actual costume! I'm impressed! Sexy Ninja!
After being impressed, we have a return to form. While this costume actually covers a fair amount of skin, there is definitely a dragon flap right over her choocha. Now that's class. Sexy Jester!
I hate this costume with an uncommon fire. Mostly it's because this is just a crappy costume. If I hadn't told you what it was, would you have guessed it? I thought it was a space ranger thing until I saw the jingle balls down around her knees. It's terrible and I hate it so so much. SEXY SPORTS Sexy Paratrooper!
Okay, I know the military is not technically a sport but it is definitely active so that's why I put the paratrooper in sports. LOOK AT THIS COSTUME! If you start at the top and scroll very slowly down it's like "Probably a jumpsuit... nope, maybe just a bare midriff... nope, just some panties and a floating cargo pocket." This is truly a gift from the Yandy gods. Sexy Luchador!
Much bigger bow on the ear this time. This is more of a "little pigs little pigs let me come in" kind of wolf, in my opinion. Love the platform stiletto work boot detail. Sexy Cher from Clueless!
This is delightful because it actually looks like she's being eaten by Yoshi. Sexy Cheshire Cat!
This is one of the most WTF costumes I found, you guys. It's 95% coverage - not even a plunging neckline! - except for the always-toned, never problematic upper thigh and hip area. On one leg. Speaking for women everywhere, screw you. Sexy SpongeBob!
Perfect placement of the flowers on the bottom, yes? Also, wearing this outfit gives you the opportunity to answer any yes/no question with NO THIS IS PATRICK.
*Shudder* Fun fact: I'm wearing the same bottoms right now, but that's because they are my emergency underwear that I never put on unless I am really behind on laundry (which I am).
You could assemble almost all of the Sexy Avengers, actually, except for Sexy Hulk. There doesn't seem to be a pre-fab option for Sexy Hulk. I guess they're just bigoted against Hulks.
What would really knock my socks off is pairing Sexy Batman not with Sexy Joker, but with SEXY ALFRED. Someone please do this one time and send me a photo.
I don't understand why anyone would want to wear that hideous dress anyway, let alone dress in a joke that was never anything but annoying and that most people forgot about 6 months ago. Then again, life is a rich tapestry.*
*I have adopted this phrase from The Toast. It is a perfect sentiment.
Rounding out our list of flash in the pop culture pan costumes, we have my patronus, the pizza rat. The pizza slices pointing to the vagina are what make it art.
Besides the fact that this is an actual outfit people would wear to Burning Man, how freaking annoying do you think that fringe would be brushing against your naked legs all night?
Are there weed nurses? Why would they wear the same sort of cuffs as Sexy Pilots? I assume the "Head" in "Head Nurse" is a reference to a "head shop" but maybe it's also a sex thing? Blowjob marijuana pilot nurse? Of the costumes I don't understand, I understand this the least.
In case you are reading this from the future, I have spent pretty much all day doing the Emmy rundowns. Usually I space out these posts and just do one per day but I decided that since I am off today, I would just bang them out. Here we go with our last but not least bit of Emmy fashion...
THE WTF
Kerry Washington!
Tell me the truth: this was a Project Runway challenge to make a dress out of aluminum foil, wasn't it? I have come to the conclusion that Kerry and I have vastly different fashion tastes.
Julie Klausner!
Please tell me she's trolling us. (Leprechauning us?)
Maisie Williams!
It's one thing to repurpose an old robe into a dress, but the high heel version of fluffy bunny slippers is just Too Shay. Waaaaaaaaaaay too shay.
Christine Marzano (seen here with Stephen Merchant)!
This is not a dress, it's erotic stained glass.
Naomi Grossman!
Jeez, one wrong move in this thing and you're in Hoohah Nipple City.
Jill Soloway!
You know, scrolling down, it just seems like Too Much. That is, until you get to the shoes. Then it becomes hilarious. Jill, look at your life, look at your choices.
Julianne Hough!
"What are you thinking for your Emmys dress, Julianne?"
"Well I've been listening to 'Spiderwebs' a lot lately so... something like that."
"Like, the No Doubt song?"
"Yup."
".................Let me see what I can do."
Nazanin Boniadi!
And this is where my third arm used to be! Now I can use it as a nipple cape. Win-win.
Kiernan Shipka!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WUT!? You guys. I didn't see this on tv, just on the internet, so when I was scrolling through pictures I saw it top down and just started laughing. On top it's ballet costume, on bottom it's business drinks. This is most definitely a PATTON.
Alan Cumming!
I love him and I love this. I love the vest with the tie and the chain and the pocket square, and I love the balloon pants and Crocs and random umbrella. Only Alan Cumming would wear this. Bless.
