Thursday, October 1, 2015

Emmys 2015 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

I know it's your favorite, so I don't want to make you wait.


Uzo Aduba!
I loooooove her and I am so so so happy she won because she was especially good on Season 2 of OITNB but I do not love this dress or that hairdo. I tried really hard to talk myself into putting it into the Meh, but I can find anything redeeming other than the colors.

Tony Hale!
Gah! Get it together, Tony Hale!

Amanda Peet!
Why is it the 90s all over Amanda Peet? Better question: why is that not working in her favor?

Taylor Schilling!
You guys, I laugh every time I see this picture. TAYLOR! When you use curtains to make a dress, you're not supposed to just throw them straight onto your body! That was a JOKE when Carol Burnett did it. A JOKE.

Adrien Brody!
Adrien Brody looks like that one ex you have that you just wonder what you were thinking.

Kathy Bates!
So, I love the silhouette of this gown. Here's what I hate: the fabric, the hair, the lipstick, the lack of jewelry.

La Klum!
A great guru once said, "In fashion, one day you're in and the next day you're out." I'm sorry, my dear, but you are OUT. Auf wiedersehen.

Peter Facinelli!
Go home and start over, Peter. This is an embarrassment.

Sophie Turner!
The pants are a full size too big, but the more pressing issue is: WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!? For serious, do you think she was planning to do a tux situation and someone talked her into ditching the jacket because it was so hot out? If so, are we allowed to find that person and smack them?

Dascha Polanco!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Laura Carmichael!
I mean I guess we could go to the folk festival after the ceremony if you want....

Fred Armisen!
The accountant everyone tries to avoid at the office holiday party.

Lily Tomlin!
I hate to ding Lily Tomlin but this is some frumpitude. Maybe we could switch out the skirt for slim cut pants? But then the waistline on the top would be weird... Nope, I think we'll have to start all over.

Amy Landecker!
She is 100% dressed as a bundle of sage. Next time you need to smudge your house, use Amy Landecker.

Maggie Gyllenhaal!
I am confident that there will be day when the top of Ms. Maggie's dress will fit her bust. I may be 85 years old when it happens, but mark my words: it will happen.

Kathryn Hahn!
The 2015 Emmy Awards! Starring Kathryn Hahn as Esmeralda!

Taryn Manning!
I told you there were three capes. This is the most Dracul-ish of them all.

This is one hell of an infantilizing gown. It's very pretty, it's just that people who wear things like this are usually also super duper into Doc McStuffins. YOU DESERVE BETTA, RETTA!

Joanne Froggatt!
I was trying to write about the construction or the colors or the silhouette and was having problems until I realized: it's just an awkward and slightly ugly dress.

Tracee Ellis Ross!
Speaking of ugly dresses, this is just breathtakingly bad. Her head is perfect, but the dress is just so bad I wonder if this looks drastically different in person. I hope so?

Rachel Rosnahan!
 I mean... it's really bad. Like, really bad.

Louise Roe!
From the Flossie Gaddis collection, I assume.

(Okay, that is a really specific, slightly obscure joke. For those of you who haven't read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn 4000 times like I have, Flossie Gaddis was a character in that book who had a very bad burn on one arm and had all these custom outfits with just one sleeve.)

Jessica Lange!
The fit is off in the hips, the construction looks shoddy and the paisley panels are really weird and maker her ribs look super wide. It's not a horror story but it's not great (I'll show myself out).

Amy Poehler!
Good news for Danielle Brooks: I hate that neckline on everyone. Amy, girl, this is not your dress. This is not your look. This is making me sad.

Jane Krakowski!
The color is wrong for her, the weird chalice thing on the torso is confusing, it looks heavy, and she could use a necklace. I'm going to be real with you: I think this dress is just plain hideous.

Abigail Savage!
I sincerely think that if her pants fit better, I'd have this in the Meh. I wish the  main color of the coat was grey, I wish the pants fit, I wish there was no wallet chain, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had girl if I did I would call her, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a 64 Impala.

Edie Falco!
What is this ribbing all down the front? EDIE. NO. STOP.

Joanna Newson (seen here with Andy Samburg)!
Some women have bags to carry their embroidery around, but Joanna has an embroidery dress. It gives her something to do during the ceremony. Later, there will be a puppet show under her knees. She just knows how to keep herself entertained.

On a scale of 1 to Patton, this is definitely a PATTON.

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