Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Tony Awards 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Bad

For perhaps the first time in WTS history, almost half of our Bad entries are men. Okay, not half... but a few at least.


Chris O'Dowd and Dawn O'Porter!
You guys. No. With the green lamé disco shirt dress and the matching pocket square? I mean, Chris, obviously you know how to lose in style, but the two of you together? Forgive me, but it does sort of look like you were forced to go to a theme wedding taking place during the godforsaken Erin Express. (Also, I did a lot of research and I can confirm that, yes, that is Dawn's actual hair. That somehow seems worse than if it was a poorly styled wig.)

Linda Emond!
If Bette Midler's Oscars dress was a fancy cake on Pinterest, this would be a "close enough." Sadly, if we had never seen the Bette dress I might have liked this, but it doesn't even look good...from a distance. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?!)  It's simply not a flattering cut, and not a good enough color. Additionally, whoever is responsible for this eye makeup should be drawn and quartered. 

Maggie Gyllenhaal!
Damn it, Maggie. You looked so amazing at the Met Ball but you immediately turn around and wear some sort of artistic deconstructive representation of sheets and inside out pillows with a sad little dust ruffle at the bottom. Stop dressing like a bed!

Zach Braff!
THIS guy, amIright? Why do I feel like I got genital warts just from looking at this photo?

Celia Keenan-Bolger!
The fit is off, the hem is wonky, the color is bad, the shoes disappear, and the styling is virtually nonexistent. I cannot think of a single nice thing to say.

Fantasia and Patti LaBelle!
Love this color on Fantasia, but that is basically the gown version of a terrycloth robe. In fact, I think I used to have one of those in that color. It didn't sparkle but it was pretty similar. Patti looks like she had no idea there would be a fireworks display going off on her cloak. Because, my dear readers, if it has a collar popped like that and a train that long to it - that is not a coat, it is a cloak. Also, I feel like our Patti looks a bit... freshened, yes? I just wish she had not borrowed Dawn O'Porter's hair.

Orlando Bloom!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Kate Mara!
I don't know why I even try with this one. It's not worth putting her on probation because she will never get out of it. At the Met Ball she wore dusty old wallpaper. To the Tonys she wore an Uglydoll. At least her makeup looks good.

Cherry Jones!
Cherry Jones heard there was going to be a weird (cool? I don't know, I keep going back and forth) moment devoted to rapping The Music Man and decided to dress in theme. Oh Cherry. I want so much more for you... starting with your hair.

Jessie Mueller!
Oh dear god. The cut is unflattering, the color doesn't exist, it's a borderline muppet-fur skirt, it could most definitely use a necklace and it doesn't fit! Jessie! Girl, you deserve so much better! You are charming and talented! Get a better dress! Quite honestly, I wish she had worn that cute blue and white costume from the "I Feel the Earth Move" number.

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