Met Gala 2013: The Bad

Buckle up! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

THE BAD

Kristen Stewart!

I swear to god, if I see this girl dressed as a toreador one more time, I am going to lose my mind. Also: yeesh. What is going on with the cut of those pants? I'm not at all saying that if the hips weren't cut quite so generously that I would be pleased about this nightmare in maroon, I'm just saying insult to injury, you know?

Gisele Bundchen!

She's basically wearing a glorified sleeve, right? I mean great job not displaying your vagina in that getup, but it's not a dress.

Greta Gerwig!

Oh lord, girl, the theme was punk not goth. You look like you're living on Fascination Street. Luckily I have these Pictures of You to tide me over until Friday (I'm In Love).

Jennifer Lopez!

TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW, JLO!

Alicia Keys!

What has happened here?! Leather halter on top, maroon sequins on the bottom, lovehandle cutouts. All of it is wrong.

Sienna Miller!

You can't just take a pretty dress and throw a tough looking jacket on it and call it a day. There is only one person in the world who can pull off that look and it's my friend Pidge. You, Sienna Miller, are no Pidge.

Jessica Pare!

Seriously, you guys, every time I look at this photo I start laughing. If you are not yet laughing, try looking at it from the bottom up. As soon as you get to the face, you'll die. In other news, girl what are you doing?! You are one of the most gorgeous women, like, ever. Why did you let someone do that to your eyelids?

Stacy Keibler!

Oddly robotic dress, terrifying shoes, bad hair, no makeup. I just can't with this one. It's a good thing she did so well at the Oscars because otherwise she would definitely be on probation.

Kelly Osbourne!

I love her hair like this, but everything else about this outfit screams What Is This I Don't Even.

Alison Williams!

Ohmygod, somebody: Quick! Tell Alison her dress is melting!

Elizabeth Banks!

Apparently, she's got the horse right here and his name is Paul Revere. I see absolutely no reason to ever put this on your body nless you are doing a Vegas showgirl version of Guys and Dolls. Remember how perfect Madonna looked in jacket-no-pants? This is the opposite of that. And don't get me started on those shoes.

Kate Mara!

It is at once twee, frightening, unflattering, and about 5 seconds away from Tits Ahoy. How does she manage to combine so many unpleasant things into one dress?

Emma Watson!

Accio Different Dress!

Blake Lively!

This appears to be a bandage dress that has developed an absolutely awful mold problem. Blake! Get out before it's too late!

Kerry Washington!

The Couch-ening: Part I. (Oh you KNOW what Part II is... and we'll address Ms. K in the next post.) I didn't realize how much I hated metallic florals until I saw this dress. There also appears to be some sort of tulle train and arm-length leather gloves. Naturally.

Jessica Biel!

Once again she shows up with post-workout hair. This time, though, we also have a mullet dress and - NO LIE - lace leggings. Lacings. I... I just can't, you guys.

Nicki Minaj!

This is so stumpifying. She is a WEE woman and this just makes her look about 2' tall. Beware the floating boobs of Nicki Minaj!

Gwen Stefani!

Okay, what?! No, seriously... What?! I mean, that's just a piece of black satin tied in a bow around her torso, right?

Heidi Klum!

Aw! Did you guys know that La Klum got married at the Met Ball? So sweet!

Beyonce!

Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Gwyneth Paltrow!

I'm just going to go ahead and show you a piece of the conversation I had over gchat with Reader Katya regarding this look.

me: OMG. OMFG. Gwyneth. 

Katya: Oh I didn't see her!

me: OH MY GOD

Katya: OMG

  I just saw Gwyneth

me: RIGHT?!

And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. And finally, last but certainly not least.......the one, the only:

The Sev!

This is the best thing to wear for today, you understand. Because I don't like women in skirts and the best thing is to wear pantyhose or some pants under a short skirt, I think. Then you have the pants under the skirt and then you can pull the stockings up over the pants underneath the skirt. And you can always take off the skirt and use it as a cape. So I think this is the best costume for today.

Hats off to The Sev for continuing that whole "you can see my undergarments through my dress" thing she had going on last year.

Met Ball 2013: The Meh!

Welcome back! Let's fasten our seatbelts for...

THE MEH!

Miley Cyrus!

I'm not going to lie to you: I kind of love this. She's bringing 1995 Sharon Stone realness and it WORKS. She landed in the Meh today because while I love the idea, the execution could have been much better. The underdress is too big, making the whole thing look wonky. Also, I get what she was doing with the spiked hair, but it's difficult for a girl with fine hair to pull that off. Still: A for effort, kid.

Nicole Richie!

How fabulous is this dress!? Too bad it's totally wrong for the event. Again, with the hair, I totally get what she was doing it just didn't work out the for the best. Makeup, on the other hand, is some of the best of the night.

Sarah Jessica Parker!

Now THAT is a dress you wear to the Met Ball. Yes, girl, yes. Unfortunately, the styling goes all wrong when we get to top and bottom. Great idea to have a Philip Treacy "mohawk" if you absolutely must observe the ridiculous theme but the hairstyle with it is all wrong. Also, those shoes are a freaking crime and should be outlawed. EW.

Kate Bosworth!

Totally fabulous dress. It's just too bad she looks like a poorly assembled Bratz doll. (PS, how do we feel about the attractive man in the gold shoes and coat sans shirt without Ms. Bosworth?)

Jessica Alba!

Ugh. Terribly boring, especially considering her amazing showing at last year's Met Ball. Somehow this looks like a formal version of something the In Living Color fly girls would wear. Maybe it's the weird middle bra top thing?

Ivanka Trump!

True facts: if the skirt wasn't quite so "witchy" (in the mid-90s crinkle skirt sense of the word) and we weren't trying quite so hard with the spiky cuffs, this would have been a homerun for me. I love the navy and green pairing. I love the navy streaks in her hair. I love how casual she is about wearing some very serious shoes. SO CLOSE.

Jennifer Lawrence!

Prom Part I: Enchantment Under the Sea (could use a necklace)

Kylie Minogue!

Prom Part II: Secret Garden (could use a necklace)

Ginnifer Goodwin!

The dress is kind of pretty, maybe, but it doesn't do anything for her. The masked avenger makeup certainly isn't helping. Here's my edit: ditch the vertical stripe, keep the cap sleeves but soften the neckline slightly by making the contrast at the neckline the same gold-studded black fabric as the bottom. Then vigorously apply a cotton ball to the eyelids. Keep the dark brows. Now you don't look quite so much like you're mad at your parents for buying generic macaroni and cheese.

Claire Danes!

A pretty little snoozefest.

Marion Cotilliard!

I don't understand how so much could be going on with this look and yet I feel like I'm looking at nothing.

Taylor Swift!

Why do I feel like she's secretly auditioning for Game of Thrones with this dress? Either that or secretly communicating to me via the mouth around her bust. WEIRD. That makes me miss the twee virginal dresses she recently ditched.

Emma Roberts!

Saggy and boring. Please go home and try again, this time with the appropriate undergarments and a better fitting dress. And maybe some accessories. And a better hairstyle.

Ashley Greene!

WRONG. This Marchesa is not your friend, ladyloo.

Cameron Diaz!

The skirt is too tight, the hair is too severe (color and style), and that belt really freaks me out. Great color for her, though, and I am loving this poncho-cape thing she's got going on. Very dramatic.

Met Gala 2013: The Good

My friends, it's our holy week - MET GALA TIME! Unfortunately, most of the offerings this year were unholy as clueless celebs and fashionistas tried in vain to channel the unbelievably unfortunate Met Gala 2013 theme of "Punk." Why WHY would the Met Gala choose "Punk" as their theme? Unless they are actually trying to make me laugh and/or purposely setting up the pretty people for failure, I just cannot get my mind around it. I'm experiencing that same, bitter, metallic taste I get in my mouth anytime high end designers decide to embrace grunge. It's just so... awful. Because it's the Met Gala, prepare yourself for a lot of Bad and WTF fashions. You can also feel free to ignore me anytime I reference the theme of the evening, since it's such a hilarious waste of time. (Dear Met Gala Planning Committee: please do Schiaparelli again. That was actually useful.) Anyway...

THE GOOD

Madonna!

I have always liked my Madge with dark hair and I am especially digging this ensemble. It's a little bit Pussycat Dolls Do Punk, sure, but it's provocative in the best possible way while still being couture. Someone else at the Ball did a very terrible attempt at jacket without pants, but we'll get to her in a couple of posts. Bravo, Madge, and way to affirm your relevance (if only for one night).

Anne Hathaway!

 I am aware that we have some very staunch Anne Haters in our group of dear readers, but y'all can blow it out your ears. I love this look. I do not love the Phyllis Diller wrists, but everything else is great, sexy, and totally unexpected.

Kirsten Dunst!

Before you start yelling at your computer, let me explain. YES, I am usually against the weird muppet mossy crap at the bottom of a dress. YES, I am usually against showing up to red carpet events dressed as a couture peacock. YES, I am usually against Kiki herself. HOWEVER, something about this works for me. Maybe it's her confidence? Maybe it's the fit? Maybe it's grading on a curve because she so often goes off the rails. Whatever. She's in the Good pile today.

Hailee Steinfeld!

True: there is nothing about this that fits the theme, but I would much rather see girlfriend show up looking perfect in a pretty little party dress than coming dressed as Black Swan (COUGHJanuaryJonesCOUGH).

Karolina Kurkova!

Punk by way of couture + Beetlejuice and I LOVE IT. My only quibble is that it's slightly underdressed for the event, but whatever, she's basically made only of legs and she's making the most of it.

Aubrey Plaza!

Fantastic. Don't change a thing.

Julianne Hough!

Julianne Hough IS Sandy in Grease 3: Rockabilly Prom. (And it totally works.)

Maggie Gyllenhaal!

Holy crap, you guys! This is the best Miss Maggie has looked in YEARS. It's simple, surprisingly well accessorized, great color, excellent eye makeup. Well played, lady!

Lena Dunham!

This is adorable. I'm not sold on the train, but the dress is stupid cute.

Christina Ricci!

I am in love with this. I'm pretty sure that Vivienne Westwood is the only designer who can design an asymmetrical bustline and a mullet skirt IN PLAID and make me drool. Kudos for the sheer black stockings and non-insane shoes. Well played, Ricci. You may just be a junior HBC in the making.

Solange!

By all rights, I should hate this but, as with Kiki, there is something about the way Solange is working it that makes me feel so happy. Or maybe it's just the fact that I love Solange and I have decided she can do no wrong, fashion-wise.

Carey Mulligan!

As you'll see later, most of our red carpet wonders interpreted "punk" to mean "revealing cut away dresses." Carey here is the only one who did this kind of approach in a classic, tasteful, glamorous way. Also, I am DYING over those shoes. DYING.

Rooney Mara!

It's a little bit Undead Wedding Party, but she somehow makes this look more fashion than costume. I do wish she would rethink the shade of her foundation, though.

Uma Thurman!

And then Uma Thurman was like, "Step aside, amateurs. I got this." And got it, she does! DAMN.

Dakota Fanning!

WHAT! This dress is insane in the best way possible, well accessorized, and totally amazing on her. Apparently, our little Dakota decided to use the Met Ball as her announcement that she is an adult now and should be cast as such.

Derby is an old english word meaning "What is on your head!?"

My dear readers, ask and ye shall receive! Let's look at DERBY HATS!

The Good!

I love Coco Rocha's hat so much! It's fabulous, whimsical, fancytime, and tall.

Love the shape, love the peachy pink, love the cocktail accessory.

Jennifer Tilly is killing it with My Fair Lady realness.

This is the hat version of a Sexy Bee costume and I love it.

THE MEH

Sorry, LC, that is not a derby hat, that is a wad of used tissues on your head.

 Not a derby hat. Far too casual and inappropriate for the event.

THE BAD, AKA THE AWESOME

This is exactly what I want out of my derby hats: plastic flamingos wearing their own hats. Because they know what's up.

Gigantic flower right in the middle of your face with feathers that obscure your view of the race? Perfect.

There is a head on her head and it is wearing sunglasses. Genius usually doesn't come in polka dots, but it did today.

Sometimes you glue some My Little Ponys onto a hat.

Form AND function. Bravo, gentlemen.

I'm thinking the black tuxedo shorts with brown sandals really makes the look. You agree, right?

When in doubt, a terrifyingly gigantic flower will do the trick. Kudos for the mossy green accent to balance it out.