Tony Awards 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Much to cover today, a lot of it shiny. 

THE MEH

Taye Diggs (seen here with Amanza Smith Brown)!

This tux fits him perfectly but I deeply hate these shoes with it and I also hate the tie. Done in by styling! Amanza is a normal so we'll leave her flower pasties alone.

Jane Houdyshell!

I really love this look, but I want the shirt to be hemmed in line with her sleeves. See, we have three cuts here - it's sleeves then shirt then jacket, which is stumpifying. If the shirt and sleeves shared a cutoff, it would make her look taller. I literally learned this from watching Project Runway. 

Sally Field!

This is a fabulous neckline on her and the color is a dream but why oh why would you choose a dress that features chest hair?

Laura Linney!

This is the couture version of the kitchen wallpaper you have to remove from the grandma rowhome you just bought in South Philly. It's also slightly too big on her, an inch too long, and could use a necklace. All that said, she still looks radiant and is really rocking this color scheme. 

Orlando Bloom!

Orlando Bloom still exists! Too bad he is wearing someone else's pants.

Cobie Smulders!

I'll give her this: the dress fits her like a glove. The styling, however, is a real disaster. No jewelry, Wednesday afternoon hair, and all of the blue eyeshadow... I mean, what is happening?

Alex Lacamoire (seen here with Ileana Ferreras)!

I tried so hard to put him in the Good (especially because he is my sister's special favorite) but I just could not justify it because the coat doesn't fit right and the tie is proportionally too large and it just sort of gives an off-putting effect. It was very close, though.  

Anna Kendrick!

It fits her pretty well, but honestly? I just really hate this dress and I don't like the way she was styled. If you're wearing a floral motif with a prominent bow, I don't think a severe hairstyle is the right choice; I would go romantic with it (maybe something like Lily Collins at the Golden Globes). I think a shorter and softer earring would also been an improvement for this look. I think Anna and I have very different tastes but I think she deserves better than this gown.

Courtney Reed!

Excellent prom look.

Gavin Creel!

Sir, that is not your tux.

Cristina Ottaviano!

Firstly it really looks like she ran out of steam around the thighs and was like, "definitely going to pretend that is the design choice." Secondly, is it me or is this terribly reminiscent of the Wannamakers holiday light show*? All we need is Julie Andrews narrating this gown. 

*This is a regionally specific reference, I realize. Come to Philly in December and I'll take you to the Wannamakers holiday light show. It's truly bizarre.

Allison Janney!

It's an excellent color and neckline for her but the construction makes the material look cheap and I think it would be better without the hip sash. You deserve better, Janney! 

Josh Gad!

Gorgeous color on him and the pocket square is really elegant. However, the proportion of tie to lapel is way off and the pants could use some hemming. 

Scarlett Johansson!

Someone is doing early auditions for Working Girl the musical.

Patina Miller!

This was a really tough call because I love this color on her, I love her head, I love the bag, and I appreciate the difficulty of red carpet maternity wear. Unfortunately, the fit is all off in the torso and bust and it really could use a necklace.

Kevin Kline!

Tux is too big, bowtie is too small.

Darren Criss!

Tux is too small, bowtie is too big. Y'ALL! GET IT TOGETHER! 

Sutton Foster!

Snoozefest. 

Laurie Metcalf!

The draping on the top of this dress is a damn near miracle but I hate it in this fabric. I would have liked to see it in this color (omg this color on her!) but in a different fabric, and with a little more hair around the face. Maybe something like Sally Field's hair or Laura Linney's - something on the forehead, a little softness. 

Uma Thurman!

She looks pretty great but I would not call this evening wear.

Denis Jones (seen here with Michael Strassheim)!

That is one hell of a shiny jacket.

Jordan Roth!

Jordan Roth says, "I see your shiny jacket and I raise you allllll of thiiiiiiiiiiisssssss." It's a lot of look, Jordan, but you're making it work.

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend!

These two could not be more beautiful but things are juuuust slightly off. Her dress is a skosh too large and a skosh too long and his bowtie is comically large. But whatever, he's but an Emmy away from EGOT so I'll just sit myself down.

Bette Midler!

This is a classic "dress like the statue" look for someone who expects to win and I almost totally love it. I hate the bell sleeves and would have swapped them out for a full sleeve. I also think either her shoes are too tall or this dress is the teeniest tiniest bit too short on her. Other than that, I thank you Bette Midler for showing me the proper way to talk all the way through the wrap it up music and then keep on talking. One of my favorite things that has ever happened on an awards show!