Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Tony Awards 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

We have a princess, a grande dame, some confusing yarn work, and some of the largest suits I have ever seen outside of a Talking Heads concert film. Ready? 


Eva Noblezada!
I'm pretty firmly against macrame on the red carpet. I feel like if you accidentally snagged her dress on your watch band or something and she kept walking, there might be a Weezer situation. In the words of Tim Gunn, this concerns me.

Lucas Steele!
Hello I'm Lucas Steele and I'll be your fancy ghost waiter this evening. Seriously, did no one tell him that white was not a good color for him? Friends of Lucas Steele, you have failed this man!

Tina Fey (seen here with Jeff Richmond)!
A shapeless furry snoozefest with business meeting hair and makeup. I want so much more for you Tina but I can't make you want something you don't want for yourself.

Carolyn Murphy!
Looks like her toga got caught in her crotch. Awkward situation.

David Henry Hwang (seen here with Eva Hwang)!
He is absolutely swimming in this suit. I suppose it was a great night for a swim because he wasn't the only gent to take a dip...

David Hyde Pierce!
Looks like he was at one time wearing a suit that fit and then got hit ever so slightly with a shrinking ray. Tragic.

Josh Groban!
Listen, Groban, if Tommy Tune can wear a suit that fits his long ass legs, I'm sure you can find a tailor who can make this suit fit your tallish side of normal ass legs. And arms. And your bowtie is having a tough time competing with your beard. And a little pomade never hurt anyone. I AM BEING HARD ON YOU BECAUSE I AM ANNOYED THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO YOU. 

Stephanie J. Block!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Cynthia Nixon!
It's vaguely a pastel version of the Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend costume from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes but in this version the giant bow has half come undone and it's ill fitting. Look, she's even stepping on the sash! I deeply dislike the red shoes with this and while I appreciate the necklace, it's the wrong necklace - the yellow gold is a clash with the baby pink. 

Bee Shaffer and Anna Wintour!
Was it shredded table cloth day in the Wintour/Shaffer households? 

Lea Salonga!
I hereby personally give Lea Salonga permission to find the person who encouraged her to wear this suit and excommunicate them from her life. That person is a toxic friend and they do not hold your best interests in your heart. How could any person look at Lea Salonga - a Broadway legend and actual Disney princess- and convince her that she should totally go to the Tonys in a look that screams figure skater from the waist up and middle management from the waist down? How!? Lea, we love you. You never deserved this.

Tom Sturridge (seen here with Olivia Wilde)!
Jimmy: It's a look.
Omar: No it ain't.

Patti LuPone!
This is somehow twee and matronly at the same time. There's a fun 1960s vibe going for it but... I don't know. I want the dress to be full length. The chapel length sleeves draw the attention down to her feet while the necklace that ate Manhattan is fighting to bring attention back up. Aside from all of that, the bag doesn't match and her hair needs some serious ScarJo-style tszujing. I think I understand why she liked this gown but it's a miss.

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