Tony Awards 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

We're grinding to a close, my dear readers. We'll close with a dandy, a bathrobe, a lot of see-through shenanigans, and a gown ripped straight out of the mid-1980s. 

THE WTF

Hamish Bowles!

That is some pink tux! Tux wearers, lest you try to make this look happen for yourself, let's talk some talk. Hamish Bowles is one of the most revered dandies of our time but even he cannot fully make a ruffled tux shirt work. Do not try this at home. Or out. Or anywhere.

Sara Bareilles!

I thought perhaps it was a nude illusion but alas it is just nude, no illusion. And yet somehow this is the most modest underboob I have ever witnessed.

Candice Swanepoel!

Continuing the grand march of sheer fabrics, this is literally a bathing suit with a glittery sarong.

Keltie Knight!

Concluding our parade of see-through mistakes, we have this sheer lace situation with granny panties and kinesio tape instead of shoes. I would especially like to draw your attention to the shoulders where it seems that there is a puffed sleeve happening. Also, I believe there is a gigantic bow on the boobs. Seems like an odd detail, but I suppose that detail is what differentiates this lace bodysuit from a lace bodysuit one might buy from our friends at Yandy.com. 

Jenna Lyons!

This is a robe. 

Christine Ebersole!

YOU. GUYS. I have never been more delighted! Actually, incorrect: I became the most delighted once I found out that this is not a 1986 vintage masterpiece plucked from storage at the Met for a deeply misguided foray into cosplay - oh ho no! - THIS DRESS WAS CREATED FOR HER BY WILLIAM IVEY LONG FOR THE 2017 TONYS. And then! She chose to pair it with that choker and full Murphy Brown formal blowout!?!?!?! I am just absolutely slain by delight! RIP me.

Tony Awards 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

We have a princess, a grande dame, some confusing yarn work, and some of the largest suits I have ever seen outside of a Talking Heads concert film. Ready? 

THE BAD

Eva Noblezada!

I'm pretty firmly against macrame on the red carpet. I feel like if you accidentally snagged her dress on your watch band or something and she kept walking, there might be a Weezer situation. In the words of Tim Gunn, this concerns me.

Lucas Steele!

Hello I'm Lucas Steele and I'll be your fancy ghost waiter this evening. Seriously, did no one tell him that white was not a good color for him? Friends of Lucas Steele, you have failed this man!

Tina Fey (seen here with Jeff Richmond)!

A shapeless furry snoozefest with business meeting hair and makeup. I want so much more for you Tina but I can't make you want something you don't want for yourself.

Carolyn Murphy!

Looks like her toga got caught in her crotch. Awkward situation.

David Henry Hwang (seen here with Eva Hwang)!

He is absolutely swimming in this suit. I suppose it was a great night for a swim because he wasn't the only gent to take a dip...

David Hyde Pierce!

Looks like he was at one time wearing a suit that fit and then got hit ever so slightly with a shrinking ray. Tragic.

Josh Groban!

Listen, Groban, if Tommy Tune can wear a suit that fits his long ass legs, I'm sure you can find a tailor who can make this suit fit your tallish side of normal ass legs. And arms. And your bowtie is having a tough time competing with your beard. And a little pomade never hurt anyone. I AM BEING HARD ON YOU BECAUSE I AM ANNOYED THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO YOU. 

Stephanie J. Block!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Cynthia Nixon!

It's vaguely a pastel version of the Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend costume from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes but in this version the giant bow has half come undone and it's ill fitting. Look, she's even stepping on the sash! I deeply dislike the red shoes with this and while I appreciate the necklace, it's the wrong necklace - the yellow gold is a clash with the baby pink. 

Bee Shaffer and Anna Wintour!

Was it shredded table cloth day in the Wintour/Shaffer households? 

Lea Salonga!

I hereby personally give Lea Salonga permission to find the person who encouraged her to wear this suit and excommunicate them from her life. That person is a toxic friend and they do not hold your best interests in your heart. How could any person look at Lea Salonga - a Broadway legend and actual Disney princess- and convince her that she should totally go to the Tonys in a look that screams figure skater from the waist up and middle management from the waist down? How!? Lea, we love you. You never deserved this.

Tom Sturridge (seen here with Olivia Wilde)!

Jimmy: It's a look.
Omar: No it ain't.

Patti LuPone!

This is somehow twee and matronly at the same time. There's a fun 1960s vibe going for it but... I don't know. I want the dress to be full length. The chapel length sleeves draw the attention down to her feet while the necklace that ate Manhattan is fighting to bring attention back up. Aside from all of that, the bag doesn't match and her hair needs some serious ScarJo-style tszujing. I think I understand why she liked this gown but it's a miss.

Tony Awards 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Much to cover today, a lot of it shiny. 

THE MEH

Taye Diggs (seen here with Amanza Smith Brown)!

This tux fits him perfectly but I deeply hate these shoes with it and I also hate the tie. Done in by styling! Amanza is a normal so we'll leave her flower pasties alone.

Jane Houdyshell!

I really love this look, but I want the shirt to be hemmed in line with her sleeves. See, we have three cuts here - it's sleeves then shirt then jacket, which is stumpifying. If the shirt and sleeves shared a cutoff, it would make her look taller. I literally learned this from watching Project Runway. 

Sally Field!

This is a fabulous neckline on her and the color is a dream but why oh why would you choose a dress that features chest hair?

Laura Linney!

This is the couture version of the kitchen wallpaper you have to remove from the grandma rowhome you just bought in South Philly. It's also slightly too big on her, an inch too long, and could use a necklace. All that said, she still looks radiant and is really rocking this color scheme. 

Orlando Bloom!

Orlando Bloom still exists! Too bad he is wearing someone else's pants.

Cobie Smulders!

I'll give her this: the dress fits her like a glove. The styling, however, is a real disaster. No jewelry, Wednesday afternoon hair, and all of the blue eyeshadow... I mean, what is happening?

Alex Lacamoire (seen here with Ileana Ferreras)!

I tried so hard to put him in the Good (especially because he is my sister's special favorite) but I just could not justify it because the coat doesn't fit right and the tie is proportionally too large and it just sort of gives an off-putting effect. It was very close, though.  

Anna Kendrick!

It fits her pretty well, but honestly? I just really hate this dress and I don't like the way she was styled. If you're wearing a floral motif with a prominent bow, I don't think a severe hairstyle is the right choice; I would go romantic with it (maybe something like Lily Collins at the Golden Globes). I think a shorter and softer earring would also been an improvement for this look. I think Anna and I have very different tastes but I think she deserves better than this gown.

Courtney Reed!

Excellent prom look.

Gavin Creel!

Sir, that is not your tux.

Cristina Ottaviano!

Firstly it really looks like she ran out of steam around the thighs and was like, "definitely going to pretend that is the design choice." Secondly, is it me or is this terribly reminiscent of the Wannamakers holiday light show*? All we need is Julie Andrews narrating this gown. 

*This is a regionally specific reference, I realize. Come to Philly in December and I'll take you to the Wannamakers holiday light show. It's truly bizarre.

Allison Janney!

It's an excellent color and neckline for her but the construction makes the material look cheap and I think it would be better without the hip sash. You deserve better, Janney! 

Josh Gad!

Gorgeous color on him and the pocket square is really elegant. However, the proportion of tie to lapel is way off and the pants could use some hemming. 

Scarlett Johansson!

Someone is doing early auditions for Working Girl the musical.

Patina Miller!

This was a really tough call because I love this color on her, I love her head, I love the bag, and I appreciate the difficulty of red carpet maternity wear. Unfortunately, the fit is all off in the torso and bust and it really could use a necklace.

Kevin Kline!

Tux is too big, bowtie is too small.

Darren Criss!

Tux is too small, bowtie is too big. Y'ALL! GET IT TOGETHER! 

Sutton Foster!

Snoozefest. 

Laurie Metcalf!

The draping on the top of this dress is a damn near miracle but I hate it in this fabric. I would have liked to see it in this color (omg this color on her!) but in a different fabric, and with a little more hair around the face. Maybe something like Sally Field's hair or Laura Linney's - something on the forehead, a little softness. 

Uma Thurman!

She looks pretty great but I would not call this evening wear.

Denis Jones (seen here with Michael Strassheim)!

That is one hell of a shiny jacket.

Jordan Roth!

Jordan Roth says, "I see your shiny jacket and I raise you allllll of thiiiiiiiiiiisssssss." It's a lot of look, Jordan, but you're making it work.

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend!

These two could not be more beautiful but things are juuuust slightly off. Her dress is a skosh too large and a skosh too long and his bowtie is comically large. But whatever, he's but an Emmy away from EGOT so I'll just sit myself down.

Bette Midler!

This is a classic "dress like the statue" look for someone who expects to win and I almost totally love it. I hate the bell sleeves and would have swapped them out for a full sleeve. I also think either her shoes are too tall or this dress is the teeniest tiniest bit too short on her. Other than that, I thank you Bette Midler for showing me the proper way to talk all the way through the wrap it up music and then keep on talking. One of my favorite things that has ever happened on an awards show!

Tony Awards 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Good!

Last night was theatre superbowl: the Tonys! It was a big night for us theatre nerds and I want to give a shoutout and congratulations to PlayPenn, Philadelphia's own new play development heroes who helped give life to Oslo. So so exciting! (Also I know for a fact that two of the three people who went to the Tonys to rep PlayPenn wore excellent necklaces, so great job on that! The third declined to wear a necklace with his tux, so alas no Pharrell flashbacks.) We have a LOT of tuxes and suits to cover in this first installment, which is heartening and promises a better future for the men of red carpets to come. Let's go on with the show!

THE GOOD

Cynthia Erivo!

This woman knows how to bring the drama to the red carpet! I do not think I would like this gown on anyone else but I love it on Cynthia. The styling is stunning, too. Honestly, a necklace would have been too much. 

Ben Platt!

It's a perfect fit and a great color on him. The bow tie is size-appropriate for his lapels and his head. I love the tux and I love this kid! 

Kate Baldwin!

If I told you to think of someone who looks like they do Broadway, you'd probably come up with Kate Baldwin, right? This is beautiful.

Erich Bergen!

I like this and everything seems to be in order. The tie looks smaller in this photo than it really was. 

Glenn Close!

The face says, "I know I'm not going to win," the dress says, "....but I miiiiiiiiiiight!" I think this looks fab on her and I am in love with her hair. 

Jenn Colella!

More hair I'm in love with! As we know, I don't always love secret pants but I think she is killing it with this look. Well done, you made me like your secret pants.

John Mulaney and Nick Kroll!

This is not a prahnk. I have to admit I did not expect these two to look this good on the red carpet. Nick looks far better than John but I'll average their scores together and keep them both here. Other pairs on the carpet will not fair as well.

Olivia Wilde (seen here with Tom Sturridge)!

For example, I will not be averaging scores here. She looks effortlessly fabulous. She's just about the only white woman I know who can successfully pull off a crimson eyeshadow. I have tried it; I just looked ill and sort of angry. He ... we will address in a different post. 

Condola Rashad!

One of my favorite looks of the night. The construction on this dress is a miracle and the styling is flawless.  (I also quite like the cute little daytime shoe on the assistant in the background.)

David Zinn!

Listen, this is advanced and it's almost perfect. Do not attempt this unless you are a scenic and costume designer with an eye for construction. I wish the coat sleeves had been shortened about half an inch. 

Rachel Bay Jones!

Gorgeous dress in a perfect color for her. I love the belt on this dress so hard. That said, this is a major CUAN for me - could use a necklace. 

Keegan-Michael Key (seen here with Elisa Pugliese)!

Practically perfect in every way. I think probably his shirt sleeve was just hiding a bit and if he pulled it down the coat would prove to be the exact right sleeve length. 

Andrew Rannells and Zuzanna Szadkowski!

His bowtie is a little small but the overall look is great so I'll let him slide. I am deeply in love with this dress and this color on her and Zuzanna if you are listening, I am going to need you to give it to me. Not really sure about this sad little bow in the front, though. Overall, these two look great in spite of problematic bows.

David Oyelowo!

 Velvet embroidered shoes were a trend for men on the red carpet last night and I kind of dig it. As always, David looks extremely sharp.

Mimi Lien!

Holy moly she looks amazing. I would have never thought to pair this dress with those shoes but it's working for me. I wish someone had just fixed that one hair for her, though. 

Brandon Uranowitz!

See? There are those embroidered shoes again! For a moment I thought these spelled out LOVE but I believe they are merely a design. Or maybe they do spell LOVE but it's like LOOVE? Anyway he looks great.

Sarah Paulson!

While I do harbor concern that our Sarah will go tits ahoy at any moment, I an so in love with this look. Even though the dress is slightly shapeless, it has this unbelievable detail to it that wipes away any boredom factor. Even though she could use a necklace, those earrings more than make up for the large gulf between dress and chin. Her head has never ever looked better. 

Justin Paul and Benj Pasek!

These two are having a hell of a good year, huh? They look fantastic and their OMG BEST FRIENDS HAVING THE MOST FUN glow is just the icing on the cake. I honestly hope they own these tuxes because they are going to get a lot of use. 

Rebecca Taichman!

Full disclosure: I briefly worked with Ms. Taichman about 15 years ago when she was going by her full name and would sign things "RBT" so we called her Ribbit. Really cool dress that fits her like a dream and - would you look at that- a great necklace! Someone needs to talk to Ribbit about her posing, but someone also needs to high five the hell out of her for winning a Tony for directing! It is astounding that it is still a rarity for a woman to win this award.

Tommy Tune!

I have seen this man with my own two eyes and he is a thousand feet tall. (He also has a strong taste for somewhat flamboyant stage wear, as well he should.) Wearers of suits take note: if Tommy Tune can find a suit that fits him as beautifully as this one does, you too can find a great suit and have it tailored to you. Not to name names, but looking at you GROBAN.