Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Met Gala 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

We have a lot to cover and I already blew through 10 minutes of my lunch break so let's get down to business.


Wiz Khalifa!
I am really really into this top detail - I'm pretty sure it's trompe l'oeil, but even if it's not I'm still into it. I know the pant length was A Choice but with the detail on the shirt and jacket it just makes everything look a bit shrunken. It's too bad because I am 90% in love with this look.

Blake Lively!
From the knees down, I love this look. While I appreciate the excellent nude illusion of the rest of the dress, the way the gold threads drape looks saggy to me. I want to love this whole thing, believe me I tried.

Miranda Kerr!
I love this dress, I love this shape, I hate her makeup and hair, I think the shoes are wrong, it could use a necklace, and it's an extraordinarily safe choice.

Naomi Watts!
The fit is off on the dress and the hair and makeup looks like she got stuck in a wind tunnel on her way in. It's not offensive, it's just not polished.

Emma Roberts!
Tsk tsk sat down in the limo. I think the dress is just a skosh off in the fit - it appears to be slightly tight in the ribs and upper legs but slightly large in the bust. I dislike the lace faux bra detail and I despise the pink fur.

Sophia Coppola!
I know it's not true but I feel like the only silhouette I ever see on Sophia Coppola is "sack." But the silver is a great color on her and her head looks fabulous.

Kate Bosworth!
Bald barbie swallowed by interesting dress: news at 11.

Selena Gomez and The Weeknd!
The dress is fairly nightgownish and makes her look younger than she is but the real problem is the styling. A mini doctor bag (or alternately, very large coin purse) and choker with a blown out bob and some of the more aggressive eye makeup this side of Evan Rachel Wood - it just doesn't add up. I think The Weeknd looks very good except that his tie is just a bit too small and he's standing next to Selena Gomez. I put them in the Meh because he's pretty much in the Good pile and she's pretty much in the Bad pile and the law of averages applies to Way Too Shay.

Evan Rachel Wood!
This is the eye makeup of which I spoke. I really like this look but that eye makeup is extremely distracting and off-putting. I suppose that is intentional.

Daisy Ridley!
Waist-down is 2015 mullet dress realness but from the waist-up it's pure, unadulterated Soul Cycle. 

Elle Fanning!
Someone super duper loved Frozen.

Maggie Gyllenhaal!
This is the most Maggie Gyllenhaal dress possible and while I do not understand what is happening around her neck, the colors are fabulous on her and she wears this shape well. We are grading on a curve.

Elizabeth Banks!
Wow. It's a schooner.
Hahaha you dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat.

Claire Foy!
If colonial era bedspreads are your thing, boy do I have a dress for you!

Kerry Washington!
As longtime readers know, Kerry and I do not have the same taste in fashion. I have accepted this and am trying to look at it objectively. Objectively, she looks great and the fit is fantastic. However, I do think it's funny that this is a Michael Kors dress because it looks just like a Project Runway garment where the contestant ran out of time and glued what they had to a bra. 

Diane Kruger!
This is very pretty and extremely boring. She should be careful, though, because Elsa's there in the background and might realize Diane stole her bag and freeze her heart or something. 

Gisele and Tom Brady!
I don't love Gisele in silver and the ponytail isn't doing much for me, but I think she looks fine overall. Tom's tie is comically large and he somehow decided that velvet was the correct choice of fabric for an event in May. An event for which he was the co-chair. Okay.

Laura Dern!
This is a fabulous dress that is far too tight in the bust. Additionally, Laura Dern needs a new makeup artist.

Naomi Campbell!
Some more velvet here. I really like this look but something seems off with the proportions. I guess I want more volume in the skirt so her shoulders don't look so huge.

Ashley Graham!
I quite like this but I dislike the part where it looks like the ruffle got stuck in the zipper and/or is growing out of her vagina.

Emmy Rossum!
I would be completely in love with this if the bow was two inches more to the side, more definitively on her hip. Definitely could use a necklace.

Serena Williams!
This dress is beautiful and it's perfect on her but the styling sinks it. The white bracelet needs to go and the earrings need to be much, much shorter if they dangle at all. I would have liked a deeper lip on her, too.

Reese Witherspoon!
Fun fact: Reese's shoulder detail doubles as a beer koozie. 

Lily James!
Same silhouette as Lily-Rose Depp except I like the pattern on this one better but the styling is not good. Do you think if she removes that necklace her head falls off?

Ruth Negga!
Look, I really struggled with this one. From the front, I deeply dislike it. But from the side....
I love it and think it's totally regal. So here we are in the Meh.

Katy Perry!
This may sound odd, but I am completely underwhelmed by this. It is simultaneously too much and not enough. Furthermore I find those shoes to be offensive. They do nothing to elevate the look. I am disappointed. 

Caroline Kennedy!
Caroline Kennedy in Commes des Garcons is perhaps the most delightful thing I have ever seen! Her garment says, "I know where I am," her makeup and hair say, "Former US Ambassador to Japan," and her shoes say, "I AM TRYING." 

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