Thursday, May 4, 2017

Met Gala 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

We could all use a bit of levity today, yes? Let's find it through fashion gone awry. This is by far our biggest category for the Met Gala this year, which says a lot.


Thandie Newton!
From the forehead up, it's pure Met Gala fabulousity. The rest of it, though... sigh. I have no room to talk about sleeve length because literally none of the clothes I own have a proper length sleeve, but this presumably was made by a designer and fitted to her by way of various drawstrings, so maybe the sleeve could have been altered? The makeup is aggressive in the eyes and nonexistent everywhere else on her face. Oh Thandie. No Thandie.

 Isabelle Huppert!
Sexy cab driver/witch realness. 

Laura Osnes!
While I appreciate the construction on the ode to labial folds that is this skirt, this really just looks like a girl in a too-small vest is being devoured by a vagina blob.

Zoe Deutch!
What if there were ruffles at the end of the sleeves... go with me on this one.... but then more sleeves???? But the rest of the dress was very simple but not especially well fitted? Yes?

Keri Russell!
Did someone take Keri Russell's gown so she was forced to wear one of Matthew Rhys' old suits? Who did this to you, Keri?

Gigi Hadid!
This is one of those half-man/half-woman costumes, right? It's a suit! And a gown! And thigh-high fishnets because Met Gala!

Karlie Kloss!
Somewhere there is a man walking around with just the pants of this suit, like that episode of Who's the Boss where Tony and Angela had to share one set of pajamas.

Joe Jonas!
It's only a little bit too teeny, but I have to say I do not believe that this Jonas is pulling off a difficult pattern with a textured shirt. Rami Malek would kill in this, though. This concludes the suit portion of our coverage.

Felicity Jones!
It could not be more twee. I'm having a hard time imagining anyone looking at this on the hanger and falling in love. Girl, you stole the Death Star plans, you very much deserve a fiercer dress. 

Karen Elson!
Here's another one from the prim and proper files. Perhaps this is a vintage bridesmaid dress circa 1976? It's the only possible explanation. 

Jennifer Connolly!
Nice of JenCon to stop by after work.

Salma Hayek!
I am not against boots that are also pants - indeed these are not the only pair you'll see in our rundowns - but I am firmly against this neckline on her. Listen, as a large boob haver, I get the difficulties and intricacies of necklines that straddle the line between "boobs" and "BOOOOOOOOOOBS." The modesty of this neckline paired with the width of the twisted halter around the neck is unflattering. I think widening the strap and deepening the V about 1/2 an inch, and also starting that slit about 2" lower on the leg would make this dress really sing on her.

Leslie Mann!
Well this is hideous.

Amy Schumer!
Ladies, we have talked about this a million times: never let anyone talk you into wearing a leather dress. You think it's going to be edgy, but it's almost universally unflattering. Leather jacket on top of a gown? Big Yes. Reversible cape on top of leather gown? Big No.

Sophie Turner!
It's a standard white v-neck A-line but with lace slit panels! And floral applique detail! And inexplicable boob, nipple, and ab outlines! And absolutely no styling other than the ears!

Gwyneth Paltrow!
Not only have we seen her in 800 dresses almost exactly like this, it looks like she's trying to get away with wearing a dress from high school that doesn't quiiiiite fit anymore. PS what the heck is in the background???

Julianne Moore!
Oh dear god it's Julianne Moore looking like a science experiment! See kids? This is what happens when you leave Julianne Moore in the fridge for a month.

Zoe Kravitz!
I understand what we're going for here but it just looks like chest hair to me.

Ruby Rose!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Brie Larson!
I have been staring at this photo for days and I cannot figure out what I'm looking at. The fit in the bodice is spectacular, but it reminds me of those olde timey photos of people wearing barrels... it's like she's in a very ornate gown inside of a very fancy barrel. But you can see her feet because the barrel is too short.

Lily Collins!
Sure it's a skosh too snug up top, but what you don't know is that from the thighs down, Lily Collins is all tentacles. Genius coverup plan!

Michelle Monaghan!
I do not understand the draping on this dress. The understated makeup and hair make it look like she's just trying this on at home to see how it looks. And it looks like she's melting.

Dakota Johnson!
TFW you're a widow but you don't want anyone to try to hug you but you do want people to admire your cleavage.

Kimberly Kardashian!
I was unaware that puffy pirate shirts were available full length but I am delighted by the news. 

Jemima Kirke!
Wut. I would say "she tried" but... she didn't. She really didn't.

Hailey Baldwin!
Why wear one tutu when you can wear three and a bustier! The guy behind her is saying it all with his face. 

Stella Maxwell!
Why do people attending the Met Gala insist on being caught in nets? And this just isn't enough, honestly. If you're going to all sorts of strings hanging off you, they should at least cover your little satin underskirt. 

Celine Dion!
Because it is CELINE I am completely delighted that she chose to wear a short sleeved sequined body suit under contractor bags that cannot decide weather they want to be strapless or halter, with matching belt and racoon eyes. Oh Celine. You are a treasure.

Mindy Kaling!
This is boring, it is stumpifying and makes you look short, it could use a necklace, and I beg you to fire whoever did your makeup. This blue is great on you, though. 

Katie Holmes!
Katie, girl, you have got to step away from the Zac Posen. I assume the unfinished edges are intentional but they look sloppy. The hair is wrong for the look - needs more height. Overall, it just sort of looks like you're gunning for a Dynasty reboot.

Courtney Love (seen here with Frances Bean Cobain)!
As Frances Bean has made it pretty clear that she would like to be considered a Normal, I will not say anything other wow - this kid's face, huh? COURTNEY, on the other hand... the Lord is testing me. What would we call this look? Spinster aunt in control top pantyhose who would like to prove that she can still get it?

Anna Wintour!
Just in case her knees get cold.

Sarah Paulson!
Just in case her wrists and feet get cold. I have to say I really dislike this shape on her - there is not much happening here and the only points of interest are small, portable muppets and it's not really working. 

For my money, this is the worst dress of the night. Camo formalwear almost never works for me, it's a skosh small, the leather arm-length fingerless gloves, the parachute with deployed army netting, and all the other random crap hanging off her body... I just don't know what to think. You know who else didn't know what to think??? Sarah Paulson.

Just kidding, she knew exactly what to think and that was, "Holy fucking shit that's Madonna!!!!!!!!"

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