Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Golden Globes 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

To quote Rosie O'Donnell in one of my favorite throwaway lines from Sleepless in Seattle, "Now we're getting down to it." 


Sarah Jessica Parker!
What in the name of Carrie Bradshaw is happening here!? You can't just tack some sleeves and a belt on a Vera Wang wedding gown and call it a day. Or, I mean, you can and you did but ugh why!? Also, can someone please get her to stop lining all the way around her eyes? It gives an otherworldly effect in a non-flattering way. Unless we are going for an Alien Wedding In Hyperspace theme, none of this works for me.

Connie Britton!
When your hair is your signature feature, do not wear dresses that compete with your tresses! Girl, know your brand. Also that color is terrible on you.

Jonah Hill!
I know you think you're pulling this off, but you definitely are not. This is like one of those pictures in Highlights where you have to identify what's missing. Bowtie! Pocketsquare! Neck shave! Appropriate shoes! 

Rachel Bloom!
Not sure if I've attempted to prosthelytize you all about Crazy Ex-Girlfriend  but it is the best show with the worst name and I adore Rachel Bloom. Unfortunately Ms. Bloom appears to be afflicted by the same unfortunate condition as Debra Messing: she does not look good in black. Also not helping is that this lace feels mature on her.

Zoe Saldana!
This is the most sickeningly sweet, twee-est thing I've seen in some time. I mean, of course, until we get to Felicity Jones. 

Ruth Negga!
I have moved this dress from category to category, trying so desperately to love it and I just can't do it. I am most positively responding to Ruth Negga's casually flawless head. But the dress. Don't get me wrong, I love an exposed zipper and I think I would have loved this dress if the zipper was in the back. But the contrast at the collar and around the zipper makes it look cheaper, a little too simple, and it ends up giving a futuristic medical robe feel.

Sofia Vergara!
Look, sometimes you have to wear Liberace's second best tablecloth. I know I've said a million times that I'd love to see a different look on our Sofia, but I didn't mean like this.

La Klum!
She's got all the worst trends at once! Nude lipstick! Cutouts! Tea-length dress! With added bonus of Keith Haring wallpaper sample pattern and How Are Those Shoes Staying On Your Feet?!

Meryl Streep!
Once again Meryl Streep is wearing Favorite English Teacher couture. At least she's consistent. 

Jessica Biel!
This is the high fashion representation of new moms ending up in public with baby stuff stuck all over them. (Not that I would have liked it without all the bric-a-brac...)

Riley Keough!
I am not 100% sure who this person is but I am 1000% sure that this dress is a magic eye painting.

Brian Tyree Henry!
Department of That Jacket is Too Small for You, subsection You Can't Really Put Your Arms Down, Can You? I think it wouldn't be so bad if the sleeves were long enough and the bowtie wasn't so large. 

Cuba Gooding Jr.!
Department of That Jacket is Too Small for You, subsection OMG WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING?! Cuba, no. This is so bad. The tightness of the jacket has moved his tie from its original position. Most unfortunately the combination of too-small jacket with too-small glasses, and this specific haircut gives a distinct shrunken head feeling to the whole picture. I just can't.

Emily Ratajkowski!
This looks like a one way ticket to Accidental Reveal City. I'm concerned for you.

Sienna Miller!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Hailee Steinfeld!
Fussy curtains with boob outlines.

Anna Kendrick!
More boob outlines. Let's talk about this for real. Y'all - these are two different designers. If this boob outline situation becomes a trend I don't think I can handle it. I find it very hard to actually look at this gown, which is a damn shame because if we didn't have the boob detail, I would say this is the best Anna Kendrick has looked in a great while. However, with the outline and the one shoulder sash as such, it looks like her breasts were added in post. 

Amara Karan!
What would you do if your dress was eating you from the top and the bottom at the same time? This poor woman.

Natalie Portman!
Oy. This is another one who came dressed in theme with her movie. The main issue here is the color, right? If this was a purple or jade (or another color she wears well -NOT RED) I think I might be really into it. It's the hair that makes it really costumey. I also deeply hate her lip color. I guess what I'm trying to say is let's start over, Nat. Go home and just start over.

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