Golden Globes 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

I hope you have a snack because we have a LOT to get through.

THE MEH!

Jeremy Renner and Amy Adams!

Sooo close to greatness! I actually really love Amy Adams' dress and styling but for some reason it's putting me to sleep. Jeremy Renner is very close to rocking this white tux jacket but the fit is off in the pants. Keep up the good work you two - just a little bit more next time.

Kerry Washington!

As we have established a hundred times over, Kerry Washington and I have different tastes in fashion. She tends toward a heavier fabric or patterns, this time with seemingly random embellishments. That said, she is wearing the hell out of this outfit and her head has never looked better. 

Casey Affleck!

Neck-down, we are doing decently okay. Neck-up? Needs some yard work. 

Amanda Peet!

Considering her history, this boring gown with almost no styling is basically a homerun for Amanda. Well done?

Judith Light!

On the flip side of Amanda Peet, I've come to expect such excellence from Judith that this zebra skeleton thing she clearly tripped over all night is merely okay... and I almost put it in The Bad.

Laura Dern!

Tell me something I don't know, Laura Dern.

Kristen Wiig!

Her hair is everything and her makeup is really great here. I so desperately want to like this gown but we're fairly done with the peek-a-boo long dress over short sheath thing. 

Sarah Paulson!

Kristen Wiig copy/paste.

Questlove!

Everything from the waist-up is a major yes! Everything from the waist down is home pants and sneakers. Questlove, comfort is not an option on the red carpet!

Bernadette Peters!

Case in point: do you think Bo exhaled once this entire evening?! No. No, she did not. Because she has not learned life's most important lesson: it's okay to go up half a size. Also this is a definite CUAN.

Jessica Chastain!

I adore this color on her and though she looks in definite danger of going Tits Ahoy at any moment, the precarious neckline is super beautiful and she's rocking it. I would love to see this dress with either beading all the way around, or just moving the beading detail to the waist. I would also do something bigger with her hair - maybe a big Jessica Rabbit swoop into a low side bun. Love the ice on the clavicle - that's exactly what I want to see.

Milo Ventimiglia!

Dude. Those. Pants. I'll say again, nothing wrong with going up half a size. Also please have someone check your bowtie before you hit the photogs.

Goldie Hawn!

I loved this dress on her - it looked fabulous on camera and gave a sort of Sexy Grande Dame feel. The styling sinks the look for me. The necklace is a bit too short, the hair feels like an afterthought, and the makeup is simply terrible. Goldie, please call Annette's makeup person. 

Octavia Spencer!

Fabulous suit, far too casual.

Andrew Garfield!

Bowtie is all wrong for your neck and head width. Is this kid morally opposed to pocket squares? I am so bored.

Gina Rodriguez!

It moved beautifully but it's a skosh too long and I hate this neckline on her. 

Blake Lively!

Young lady WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR HIPS?! They are clearly not pockets, even though you are trying to fool us into thinking any part of your hand could go inside them. When I imagine this dress without them, I die a million times of beauty. PS you look great in black velvet and I love the emerald Bracelets of Submission.

Maisie Williams!

So very close to perfect- kudos for pulling off this shade of yellow so well. I'd like a different bag - maybe something hot pink or bright green. I like the makeup but I'd like to see an option for the hair where it's very Jackie O late-60s bouffed out. This would be a great opportunity also for a giant statement necklace. 

Emma Stone!

Stars all over your dress for your nomination for a movie about Hollywood? A little bit on the nose, lady. I also deeply hate this necklace.

Drew Barrymore!

Drew is giving you a 1970s version of a 1920s dress and she is selling it. I hate it but she's working it.

Isabelle Huppert!

TFW you're the mother of the bride but you want to wear a sheer top.

Gwendoline Christie!

This is like when you are wearing an outfit and you put on one of each shoe to see which one looks better. I like the left half far better than the right. Terrible color on her, though. 

Claire Foy!

Points to Claire for having puffed sleeves and a dress that fits like a dream. It's just that this dress reminds me heavily of Crystal Barbie. 

Kristen Bell!

I would like to applaud the brand of double-stick tape she used as well as the expert application by whomever dressed her. However, I do wish the neckline was just about an inch narrower. I also wish she had a different color bag. 

Lola Kirke!

I love this dress and I love it on her. I want more dramatic makeup, an updo, and a necklace.

Susan Kelechi Watson!

Ooooh I love this so much but I think the hair is too severe. A minor quibble.

Chris Pine!

So much beard but so little bowtie and sock.

Anna Chlumsky!

Everything seems to be all crowded around her neck. I adooooore this color on her and I like almost all of the construction. I'd like to see the neckline cowl a bit (not terribly much) to pool right at the clavicle. Keep the hair almost this severe, but add some volume at the crown. Love these earrings (if the neckline dips lower), add a big ol' bangle on the right wrist.

Felicity Huffman!

Snoozefest.

Winona Ryder!

Her head looks fabulous and the dress is pretty it's just not her dress. Winona has never been able to sell a ballgown; she's more of an A-line kind of gal. 

Priyanka Chopra!

I want this lip color to become a trend. Gorgeous dress and my goodness she looks stunning in gold, but it's the skoshiest skosh too tight. I also find the design placements to be unfortunate through the dress. 

Angela Bassett!

Well it's Angela Bassett, so she is basically flawless. I just really hate the spaghetti straps and their placement so close together. This concludes my critique of Angela Bassett, flawless human.

Busy Phillips!

I tend to be entertained by Busy Phillips' sartorial choices. I think this is a little craft fair for me, but I don't dislike it. I do dislike the way her hair is styled. Girl what is happening to the end of your hair?

Gal Gadot!

I wish she didn't look so bald.

Caitriona Balfe!

Again, a fabulous dress but the makeup is understated for my likes. First of all her face looks dull - she could use a highlighter or at least a luminescent powder. The real problem here is The Case of the Forgotten Eyebrows. I think a strong brow and a bolder lip would have made all the difference. And possibly a different part for her hair, as it currently looks unattended.

Tracee Ellis Ross!

First of all allow me to express my deep love for Tracee Ellis Ross. I adore her and I think she is an underrated comedic actor. I love her shoes, I love her excessive ring situation, I love her hair, and I love the design on the top third of this dress. HOWEVER she deserves far better than what you see here. No earrings and no necklace? I mean I know the dress (and ring display) is EXTRA but you still have to accessories from the waist up. Now this dress. Oy. The length (not the only dress of this length we saw this year, lord help us) is problematic. But more than that this see-through corsetry illusion cheapens the look. This reminds me of that hideous Pnina Tornai see through ballgown brides are always asking for on Say Yes to the Dress. If you've never watched that piece of trash tv show, I promise you, you'll survive not knowing the reference. Do not seek it out. Save yourself. She looks like she got herself stuck in an elaborate birdcage and decided to make it work. AND SHE ALMOST DOES MAKE IT WORK WHICH IS ANOTHER REASON I LOVE TRACEE ELLIS ROSS.