My dear ghouls, welcome back to another year of Sexy _______ costumes! Every year I pull up my extensive spreadsheet of the costumes I've already covered for this deeply cherished annual tradition and I think to myself, there is no way Yandy has anything new for us to mock. And every year I open up my browser to that limitless source of sexy costumes and chide myself to ever doubting them. And this year, friends, we have been gifted a new source of Sexy ____ ridiculosity: please welcome 3wishes.com to the party! 3 Wishes has a large section of Sexy _____ costumes for men, but helpfully still keeping that steady male gaze intact. We have a lot to cover and you still have a Samhain celebration to prep for, so let's get going - I'm going to do some categories this year for funsies.
Sexy Kinda Boring
Sexy Nun!
For reasons unknown to me there were a LOT of Sexy Nun costume options this year. The only reason I can come up with is The Keepers and let's just say if that is your inspiration, I do not wish to know you.
Sexy Leprechaun!
The beard makes it art.
Sexy Playboy Bunny!
Timely AND distasteful! Double winner!
Sexy Flight Attendant!
I suppose if you are doing Sexy Flight Attendant it would actually be Sexy Stewardess. Insert "fly the friendly skies" joke here.
Sexy Doctor!
I appreciate that you're scrubbed up but I can't help but notice you are only wearing underwear. Certainly the hospital frowns upon this, no?
Sexy Statue of Liberty!
I need to alert you to a fact from the product page: "Headpiece not included." So you get the torch but not the headpiece? That seems like some Sexy ___ trickery.
Sexy Racer!
In case you weren't sure what this was, it says RACING across the boobs.
Sexy Cop!
Hat says "Police," mesh cage that barely covers nipples says "Police," underwear says "Candyman." Heard and understood, officer.
Sexy Devil!
Absolutely must give props to this costume for incorporating two pentagrams in the design. An unusually nice touch on a Sexy ___ costume.
Sexy Skeleton!
The leg bone's connected to the knee bone,
The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone,
The thigh bone's connected to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HOW CAN THIS SKELETON WALK
Sexy Animals (and one human)
Sexy Penguin!
I have definitely covered a Sexy Penguin before but this is a new version and it is hilarious and I really love it. Also! Next year, ditch the headgear and add a tux jacket and a pompadour and you have your Janelle Monae costume.
Sexy Phoenix!
"After a long night of hooking, trade didn't like the session... so he had gutted me and set me on fire... but you know I didn't die, I had crystallized and now I'm a glamazon bitch ready for the runway!"
Sexy Sheep!
So. Many. Eyes. I know this one is a little hard to see... you might even say it gets lost... well never fear!
Sexy Bo Peep!
I can predict with a fair amount of certainty that two friends who decide to go as Bo Peep and Lost Sheep will quickly turn into an "I'm the Mary, you're the Rhoda" situation.
Sexy ... Dead Fish? I guess?
Dead Mermaid? Goth Mermaid? Mer-skeleton? If it is a mermaid skeleton, does this mean the shells are bone and have always been part of the body? Whatever it is, it's confusing and carries with it a very high chance of peekaboo nipples.
Sexy Copyright Infringement
Sexy Mickey!
One of our more demure entries this year.
Sexy Minnie!
Can't lie - this is fairly adorable. You know, for a sexualized cartoon mouse.
Sexy Beast!
It's always fun to imagine the Beast with tearaway sleeves.
Sexy Lady Beast!
Sadly, no tearaway sleeves on this one.
Sexy Gladiator!
Look at that dumb little sword! It's not even included with the outfit - wouldn't you use a better one for the photoshoot? Oh 3 Wishes, you have a lot to learn.
Sexy Dracula!
Somebody call Gary Oldman and let him know this is happening.
Sexy Peter Pan!
I won't grow up, won't grow up, never grow up... except for this beard stubble.
Sexy Hermione!
It's also possible that this is a Sexy Harry Potter, judging by the glasses. Either way it's sexualizing children and if that's not a reason to cry I don't know what is.
PS there used to be a Sexy Eleven from Stranger Things available but people actually were like OH HELL NO so it's gone now (thank god). You can probably find it if you search but I will in no way google that for you.
Sexy Daenerys!
Wither the dragons, Mother of Dragons?
Sexy Jon Snow or Sansa Stark!
My dear readers, I do not watch Game of Thrones. When I saw this costume I immediately thought "Oh that's that Ikea rug coat so this is Jon Snow," but I decided to check with my friends who watch GOT to make sure because the costume is actually named Sexy Northern Queen. The friends are completely split as to whether this is Jon Snow or Sansa Stark. In any case, why would you not just buy one of the Ikea rugs if you're gonna do this cape?
Sexy Can We Not
Sexy Melania!
Moving on....
Sexy Fake News!
Moving further on...
Sexy OMG WTF
Sexy Spiderweb!
Sure.
Sexy Genie!
I'll bet you can immediately name the guy you know who would totally wear this. I'll also bet you usually try not to invite him to your parties.
Sexy Elf on a Shelf!
This clearly also belongs under Sexy Copyright Infringement but it is far more WTF than that. This is one of the more hilarious Sexy ____ costumes I've ever seen because it's also playing into the "we start celebrating Christmas earlier every year" trope. Well done, Yandy. This is exquisite.
Sexy Fireman!
If you had told me about it, I would not have believed you. This is downright perfection. Welcome, 3 Wishes - you've really earned your spot here.
Sexy Denny's Waitress!
What? Why? Who thought of this? "Ugh, I want to be a Denny's waitress for Halloween but, you know, like a sexy one. I simply cannot go another Halloween without being bombarded with Grand Slam come ons." I love how extremely specific this is and how very bizarre. Sublime, really. This is my favorite Sexy ____ costume this year.
It seems impossible but we've come to the end of another red carpet rundown. Before you know it we'll be wearing coats and scoffing at Sexy ___ halloween costumes. But we're not there quite yet! There's still a small matter to be discussed....
THE WTF
Tessa Thompson!
OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS! This is the epitome of a positive WTF dress - it's shiny, the middle makes no sense, it's pretty, it fits her beautifully, and it's a freaking rainbow! Thank you Tessa Thompson - super can't wait to see you in Thor.
Mandy Moore!
You know how you can just take the heads off of nesting dolls and see them all stacked up in there? Yeah.
Rita Moreno!
Note to self: when wearing a cropped fringe jacket, make sure to employ a fringe wrangler so it doesn't look like the jacket is pinching my own nipple. For real though, we saw tiered sleeves twice now - here and Jessica Lange - and that deeply concerns me.
Tracee Ellis Ross!
Reader Andrea commented on my facebook yesterday about designers who "stop designing somewhere around the knees" and "slapping dead duck feathers around the rest of the dress to the floor" - well here's another one for you! I am sincerely confounded about the proportions on this dress and also the shoes. In better Tracee Ellis Ross news, you have to watch her Vogue 73 Questions because it's wonderful and charming and she talks about one of my favorite fashion moments of hers AND she has framed portraits of her alter egos and now I need a) alter egos and b) framed portraits of them. Love her.
Ariel Winter!
You look great, kid, but take it down several notches. I am no pearl clutcher but this made me say "oh my" out loud.
Ajiona Alexus!
This literally looks like she got up from dinner and the tablecloth was accidentally tucked into her pants. I guess I should have anticipated that the descendant of Secret Pants would be Unnecessary Side Train.
Sarah Paulson!
This is shockingly bad. WTF is this silver sequinced bag with Sarah Paulson's head on it? And that hair! It honestly looks like a bad wig! As Reader Megan would say, I'm all fatootsed about this.
Chris Sullivan (seen here with Rachel Reichard)!
Top hat, cane, sparkle shoes, purple bowtie - I know a magician when I see one! OMG DO YOU THINK HE'S THERE TO VANISH RASHIDA JONES' MIDSECTION!?!?!??! He's got magic to do just for you, he's got miracle plays to play, he's got parts to perform, hearts to warm, Emmys and things to take by storm as he goes along his way!
This is actually the list that hurts me the most because some of my forever favorites are in here, being done wrong.
THE BAD
Regina King!
How very dare someone put our beloved Regina King in this unflattering mess of a dress. And how very dare a makeup artist do that to her eyes. HOW VERY DARE!
Allison Janney!
If you looked at Felicity Huffman's frock yesterday and thought, "Hrm, yes, but could it be in a worse color and more unflattering?" Yes, yes it could.
Zoe Kravitz!
Project Runway challenge: make a dress out of a pinata.
Angela Sarafyan!
I'm not saying this is a rejected costume from Copacabana The Musical, but I am saying that I bet she can merengue and do the cha cha. Perhaps she can even do them in the hottest spot north of Havana. Music and passion are always the fashion, but this dress... not so much. I'll stop now.
They felllll in looooooooove....
(Okay, I'm done for real now.)
Jenifer Lewis!
Okay first of all she forgot her shirt. Secondly, this cape-jacket makes it look like someone is behind her, doing her arms like Jenifer Lewis is on Who's Line Is It Anyway playing helping hands. Oh my god, how amazing would a Jenifer Lewis improv troupe be? Please reboot Who's Line with just Jenifer Lewis and whoever's arms these are.
Priyanka Chopra!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.
Carrie Coon!
Carrie Coon: I would like to look like melting strawberry ice cream. But you know, with an odd fit.
Stylist: Say no more!
Uzo Aduba!
From the files of When Bad Dresses Happen To Fabulous People. I've been looking at this dress for a few days and I think I've figured out why it is not working for me. The striped pattern/detail is at odds with the roundness of the top third and then in the middle there is a break to the line and finally in the bottom third it's too long. The shapes just don't go together. Honestly, I wish she'd hook up with Christian Siriano because he knows how to design for well-endowed women. Some of my favorite Christina Hendricks red carpet moments were Siriano gowns. Her head looks gorgeous but Uzo deserves much better than this dress.
Rachel Bloom!
I think our Rachel suffers from the same ailment as Debra Messing: she just doesn't look great in black. And dear god, on top of that this dress is fairly hideous. I don't know if you can see it but in addition to the lace situation up top there is a largish bow at the waist. No thank you.
Laverne Cox!
From the waist-down, this is totally fine! From the neck up, this is totally fine! But the torso? OY. I am concerned about Laverne going tits ahoy in this thing. Why are there ruffles on the straps? Why are the cups so very wee? Why is there so much chest with so little necklace?
Laura Dern!
I'm sure it's just the way she is standing but it really looks like her feet are on the wrong sides, right? Also this dress is freaking terrible. I figure it's an artistic ode to a lit cigarette - the bottom being the ash, the top artistically dotted with cutouts to mimic cigarette burns. Are you buying this? Me neither.
Gabrielle Union!
I love a necklace, I love a cape, I love a bathing suit, I love embellishment but this is a lot of look. Gabrielle, the call is coming from inside the dress!
Kathryn Hahn!
OMG I totally used to have this shower curtain! No joke, this is fullest Patton in a long time. Full. Patton.
