2016 SUMMER OLYMPICS! Parade of Nations: The WTF!

At last we have arrived at the final portion of our 2016 Olympics Parade of Nations coverage. Looking at what I've put in this pile, I guess my main question is: Did these countries think they had to literally wear their flags? Are they concerned that Eddie Izzard is going to pop out from behind the sea of human arrows and ask if they have a flag? 

THE WTF

Canada!

As you may know I am a big fan of Canada, but this is a bit hilarious even for me. Like, did the South Park boys design these as a joke? I especially love that from the front it's kind of boring and then the back is like MAPLE LEAF BITCHES! I would 1000% buy this.

Croatia!

Strong choice, Croatia. Also, you're all set for NASCAR.

Haiti!

Okay, a few things. First of all, the dresses. Love the top (I'm a sucker for this neckline) but it appears that the skirt is designed in such a way that it is tacked up in the middle in a sort of peekaboo situation. And what is peaking through? Literally Haiti -the word Haiti - along with an illustration of some kind that I must admit resembles a bleed through in this photo. No woman wants to look like she's had leakage. We work VERY HARD to prevent such things from happening. Moving along to the men's shirts... I count four pockets on the front of the shirt. No word on whether there are more pockets on the back. I felt that three pockets on the Russian blazers were excessive; certainly four is an unreasonable amount of pockets.

Liberia!

Part of me thinks this is the best Parade of Nations outfit and part of me sees the general shape of the garment and the country outline in blue and all I can think of is Lisa Simpson's "Floreda" outfit.

Mozambique!

It's the Olympic Lumbersexual Team.

Norway!

What fresh hell is this!? I feel nauseated looking at this pattern. It's making me car sick.

Portugal!

I'm sorry what!? Your team uniform is distressed skinny jeans? Completely unacceptable!

Sierra Leone!

At first glance, this is pretty great. But look closer. Focus on the green. The green trim for the ladies is ugly but not awful. But for the men... oh boy. I can't decide if it looks more like each of them has a green wizard beard or if it looks like they threw up Ecto Cooler all down their front. Either way, WT actual F?!

and finally....

Tonga!

OH YOU DIDN'T THINK I WOULD FORGET, DID YOU? The actual team's outfits are just fine (though I'm slightly confused by the skirts-on-skirts situation) but we're here to talk about Pita Nikolas Taufatofua, everyone's favorite oiled-up flag bearer. This is one of those "good WTF" entries. I'm not entirely sure why it happened but I think I speak for all of us when I say we will never forget. In honor of the Olympics and Tonga's important contribution to these Opening Ceremonies, I am introducing a new feature to Way Too Shay: The Tonga Scale. Just as the Patton Scale is for things so bad they are memorable, the Tonga Scale is for things so good they are memorable.

2016 SUMMER OLYMPICS! Parade of Nations: The Bad!

And now we move from the Parade of Blazers to our eyes being set ablaze with the following visual assault.

THE BAD

Australia!

What in the name of seersucker is going on here!? Hideous blazers with even worse neckwear. YIKES.

Austria!

Cargo pants painted to look like lederhosen. I. CAN'T.

China!

 "What should our Parade of Nations outfits look like?" "Uh, I dunno, eggs and ketchup?" "PERFECT."

Colombia!

Basically it's ugly, nothing matches, and those hats are doing no favors for any of them! It also appears that the man in the middle foreground may have misbuttoned his blazer, which makes it all the worse. I mean, it's probably just an illusion because his arm is up and waving, but it's kind of indicative of how off this look is.

Cuba!

Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Czech Republic!

Zoot Suit, Zoot Suit
Z-O-O-T S-U-I-T
Deep pleat, silk lapel
Guns a-blazin' straight to hell
In my mind you look so cute
Wrapped up with your arms around my
Zoot Suit, Zoot Suit

Jamaica!

In the words of Phoebe Buffet, MY EYES! Gold medal for brightest outfits. On the other hand, Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce should have won an additional medal for SHUTTING IT DOWN with her amazing color coordinated hair. That is awesome.

Madagascar!

I am pretty sure my parents had a couch that looked exactly like these outfits.

North Korea!

This is actually scrubs and doctor jackets, right?! Like...what is even happening? Where are we? What is this event?

St. Kitts and Nevis!

Everything is fine except the inexplicable acoustic guitar pickguard on their chests. WUT.

Sweden!

Absolutely hideous. Honestly, just terrible.

Ukraine!

When I think fashion, I am often inspired by the pattern of foam carpet padding. Glad I'm not alone in that.

2016 SUMMER OLYMPICS! Parade of Nations: The Meh!

Are you ready for the Parade of Blazers and Track Suits?

THE MEH

Angola!

I actually rate this fairly high in the Parade of Blazers. I like the red shoes here a lot - it's a nice bit of pizzazz.

Argentina!

I find I like the skirts better than the pants, as white pants feel like an assault on my eyes. Although maybe that's just because of the amount of fabric it takes to cover Luis Scola's legs?

Aruba!

A jaunty take on the Mission Band costumes from Guys and Dolls.

Bahamas!

I think I'd like this better without the black piping on the jackets and the pants. Also, we are in the midst of the Kokomo section of this rundown. Come on pretty mama.

Bermuda!

I mean, yeah, you have to have the shorts. That is the rule. I just don't know why you also have to look like you're doing a scene from School Ties.

Bolivia!

Eh. It's okay. Fairly basic flight attendant uniform.

Burkina-Faso!

Honestly, this is fine but I think the sleeves are an awkward length.

Cape Verde!

I can't tell if this is meant to give the illusion of a blue shirt under a white shirt or the illusion of a small vest left unbuttoned.

France!

Snoozefest.

Germany!

Minus the sneakers this is basically what I wear to work every day in the Fall. That's fine for business casual but this is the Olympics.

Great Britain!

Did you know that all of Britain's female athletes are also medical doctors? Show offs.

Greece!

Almost the exact same outfits as the British men, except that the Greeks have the decency to cover their shins.

Ireland!

I searched and searched for a better picture but this is all I've got. Honestly, it's not awwwful but I am slightly concerned about the sudden shift to green on the one pant leg.

Italy!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Japan!

Unfortunate hotel concierge uniform.

Mexico!

Cover image from a think piece circa 1988 about women wearing sneakers on their commute to work and then changing into heels at the office.

New Zealand!

Absolutely nothing to write home about, other than those hobbit pelts on the two leading boys.

Nigeria!

I actually like it but I'm bothered by the green in the shoes not matching the green in the track suit. 

Pakistan!

I find this only okay. If the vests were the same length as the tunics I would love it. I like the vest unbuttoned better than buttoned I think. 

Romania!

Why does none of this actually go together?

Russia!

There are three things I find challenging about these outfits: firstly, the piping. Lord, the piping. Secondly, the length of those skirts is the most unflattering length. How horrible to make a woman wear a pleated skirt that falls just below the knee. Third and most perplexing: why are there three pockets? Clerical error? 

South Korea!

More piping, this time with party hats. Super love the kravats for ladies, though!

Spain!

More party hats! I think actually the red pants are great. I don't even really mind them with the blue blazers, but I wish there was a different tie. Maybe something patterned?

Taiwan!

This looks to me like an "edgy" a cappella group. I'm calling them Taiwan-na Sex You Up.

Uruguay!

It's party time at the country club!

USA!

Ugh. The designer logo on the blazer is the Most American Thing and I hate it. Also these outfits are so bro-y.

Zambia!

Tell me something I don't know, Zambia.

2016 SUMMER OLYMPICS! Parade of Nations: The Good!

My dear readers, it is my favorite time of every few years: The Olympics! I have been absolutely glued to the TV since it started a couple of weeks ago and honestly, I need the thing to be over because I am severely sleep-deprived. We could talk about so many things, but this is Way Too Shay, so we are going to talk about fashion. Let's rewind back to a time before you loved both Simones, before Lilly wagged her finger, before that pole vaulter's junk ruined his chances for glory. Let's go all the way back to the Parade of Nations. Now, we're going to do our usual categories, but let me state up front that I deeply respect the athletes we're about to see and the countries they represent and I am judging only on fashion. Okay, in the case of Tonga we're going to have to give some respect to that body-ody-ody too, but PURELY in a sexist objectifying gaze kind of way. Also, I can only show you the photos I found; many many countries are missing.

But first things first, attention must be paid to what happened that first night of the Olympics: Gisele took her final runway walk as part of the opening ceremonies. 

I really thought we were about to see her parade of nations at one point, but she's the best in the world and the dress respected her enough to stay put. Well done Gisele, and well done garment tape.

THE GOOD!

Belarus!

As you will see in the Meh, I found the sea of blazers to be a bit boring. However, Belarus found a way to take the Parade of Blazers and sport it up a bit. I like the monochromatic-with-patterned-shirt look for the dudes and the fitted red blazers for the ladies. 

Brazil!

Hate the shoes but love the dresses. I am currently looking for a copy of this look to wear for work meetings.

Burundi!

Yes! This is what I'm talking about! What I want from the Parade of Nations is beautiful, awesome outfits. Burundi is one of my favorites - fun animal print, fantastically accessorized. 

Cameroon!

I can only hear "Cameroon" in RuPaul's voice and that's the way I want it to stay. This is just straight up a fantastic showstopper look. CAMEROOOOOOON! 

Cayman Islands!

It's pretty casual but exactly Cayman Islands, right? Also currently searching for female athlete Cayman Island dress to wear to work.

Cook Islands!

One of my favorites. Love this so much. Would like to find this dress to wear to a wedding.

PS I guess Parade of Nations is how I online shop for clothes.

Estonia!

Sailor suit realness.

Guam!

If you are from the Pacific Islands, you get to rock these shirts. These guys make it look good.

Hungary!

Another favorite of mine. Looking for this dress for a bridal shower I have next month.

India!

As you'll see later, some countries wore jeans and cargo shorts. India was like "SUIT UP." Dapper as hell. 

Indonesia!

I love these suit coats so much. They are GORGEOUS and so fabulous. Also girlfriend on the right could not be more amazing!

Israel!

One of my favorite of the Snazzy Track Suit entries. Very mod.

Ivory Coast!

I have heart eyes over this. Simple and pretty - would like this to wear with leggings on the weekend. 

Kenya!

When I look at this photo I like to pretend that the Kenyan Olympic Team has been bonding in the leadup to the games by joining a bowling league. When it came time to pick their Parade of Nations costumes, they decided they liked the look of their bowling gear. Even if that's not true (it's definitely not true) I still really love their outfits. Cool and laid back. 

Malaysia!

What I like best about this is how the men and women have different but thematically similar outfits. They coordinate but are different enough to make me look more closely at the patterns and designs. Especially digging the reversible scarf for the women.

Mali!

Gorgeous.

Micronesia!

Micronesia came dressed as everyone's dad and I am here for it.

Montenegro!

Representing the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. Desperately need these dresses for HP cosplay. 

Peru!

Gold medal in accessories!

Qatar!

Flawless.

Olympic Refugee Team!

As we are to see in the Meh, there is nothing more universally unifying than a blazer and some pants. This looks great.

Samoa!

Fabulous. Looking for this dress to wear to a wedding next summer.

Senegal!

This might actually be my favorite. Love that peplum!

Serbia!

Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove these skirts. Need this look for when I finally get Hamilton tickets. You know I'm dressing up to go to the theatre whenever that happens.

South Africa!

Tied with Israel for best Snazzy Track Suit look. Love these so much - I'd say I love these track suits almost as much as the dude in this photo loves being at the Olympics!

Turkmenistan!

Bow down, bitches! This is everything I want and never thought I would get from the Summer Olympics Parade of Nations: a fur hat and some velvet frocks. Turkmenistan, you win.