THE BAD
Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Julia usually knocks it out of the park, but this is just so off. It's a skosh too tight in the bust, CUAN, the lace is matronly, and the (what do we even call them?) pleats down the skirt really cheapen the look. As usual her head is perfect, but jeez-o-man the rest of it is just the pits.
Malin Akerman!
Let's keep going with lace catastrophes, shall we? I cannot help but laugh every time I see this. It's just not good. It's too long, too fussy, the wrong color, the wrong styling, and OH MY GOD that hilarious little tutu! Zop, sorry Malin.
Zendaya!
Girl wut!? Either this is a sundress that she tacked two additional skirts onto or Zendaya is actually a Voltron-like figure made of many Disney Channel actress/singers. I'm actually hoping for the Voltron option so other actress/singers can detach from the bottom and run out onto the red carpet like some bastardized Mother Ginger number.
Lily James!
Fashion-forward Sexy Bride of Frankenstein dress with circa-2013 middle part hair.
America Ferrera!
Credit where it is very much due: America and Eva had the BEST snappy banter of the evening. The joke was great and they sold it. UNLIKE THIS LOOK, which is not great and I don't buy it. I dislike this shape on her - the turtleneck actually makes her look short (which, I mean, she IS but...), the middle slit in the bust makes her boobs look saggy (which they are not), the double waistline makes her look thick (which she is not). Oh America, you deserve better than this dress.
Katy Perry!
I mean we're clearly doing a 60s homage here, but dare I say it comes off as more discount Elvira than Sharon Tate/Sophia Loren. It's too tight in the body, too loose in the cups and straps, and the hair is costumey. Katy, we know you like to play but this just comes off as trying too hard to be sexy. (Hint: you really do not have to try.)
The Rock! (Okay fine, Dwayne Johnson!)
First of all, The Rock's daughter Simone is adorable. Now that that's been said... what in the name of things people can smell you cooking is happening here? I imagine The Rock requires bespoke suits due to his physique. With that in mind, he asked someone to make this. It's not that there's anything inherently wrong with a burgundy velvet smoking jacket, it's just that this amount of velvet cannot go unseen. I'm sorry, The Rock, but it just comes off as comical.
Joanna Froggatt!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no.
Alicia Vikander!
You can't fool me, Vikander! That's a beaded, belted pinafore. You can't just wear an apron on the red carpet!
Melissa McCarthy!
See here's the thing: other than the slit at the bottom, the construction of the dress and how it fits here are really lovely. It's just that the material is SO HORRIBLE that one cannot see past it. The necklace is all wrong and those shoes, while fierce, are freaking hideous. Melissa! We all just want the best for you! I really hope someday to see this dress in a non-trashbag-reminiscent fabric.
Leslie Mann!
What am I even looking at here? Why is so much happening? Bateau collar with billow at the waist, enthusiastic peacock pelvic beading, and a tulle skirt. It's like someone handed her a menu of what this dress could be and she just said, "yes." Great color on her, though.
Taylor Schilling!
Welp, looks like Liza found herself a protege.
Natalie Dormer!
New plan: if you are concerned that your dress may go tits ahoy at some point in the evening, just hike it up with a bedazzled thong.
Amanda Peet!
TOTALLY misinterpreted #beigelipsituation. This is some Jane Eyre wife in the attic realness going on here, right? (Spoiler alert, I GUESS)
(Thanks to Reader Lindsay K for #beigelipsituation)
Emilia Clarke!
Hey guys, remember that time Emilia Clarke came to the Golden Globes dressed as a goth floor lamp? That was fun. She sorta looks as though she's rising up from self-conjured smoke.
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