I have a hunch if you like to read Way Too Shay, you are feeling some feelings this week about losing David Bowie and Alan Rickman (and quite possibly Lemmy Kilmister and Natalie Cole). I share your sadness and will help in the only way I am equipped: by making fun of celebrity outfits.
THE WTF
Channing Tatum's Head!
Channing Tatum doesn't care what people think! He's just gonna hang out backstage and listen to Fall Out Boy for a while and wait for an opportunity to tell someone HE'S NOT OKAY.
Heidi Klum!
I know a cry for help when I see one. La Klum, I'll be in LA by 5 - meet me at In N Out Burger and we'll solve all the problems of the world over a double double animal style. It's gonna be okay.
Cate Blanchett!
You know you're high fashion when you have to use a hair straightener on your gown. Think of all the anime characters who had to give their hair for this dress! Just say no to breast curtains.
Regina King!
Look, I see where she was going with this but it is comes off as less Old Hollywood Glamour and more Attack of the Metallic Sequins. The shoes are particularly painful to my eye and, for once, I'm not sure the cape works. But, I love Regina King and I will forgive her 8000 fashion sins for Jerry Maguire and Boondocks alone. Also, no one is having more fun than Regina King.
Love.
Rooney Mara!
Why does Rooney Mara always look like she got attacked by savage geese? Reader Derick suggested that perhaps this was made from the scraps of Cate Blanchett's dress. It's possible he's not far off.
Eva Longoria!
As aforementioned, she and America Ferrera killed with their presenter banter - great job on that! Less great job on this dress, though. I keep trying to figure out how to dissect this dress but the best I have is What Is This I Can't Even.
Jill Soloway and Gaby Hoffman!
THE SHOES, YOU GUYS. ALL OF THESE SHOES. W T ACTUAL F?!
Kate Hudson!
Reader Jen D-M proposed that perhaps Kate is starting a dance team at the after party. That is the only possible explanation for this ... "look." It's really bad. It's not the worst, though, somehow.
Jane Fonda!
As Reader Amy S. and I decided, Jane Fonda wore an unfurled tampon to the Golden Globes. This was me:
Well, congratulations Jane. On a scale of One to Patton, this is a full Patton.
It's great when the fashion is good, but somehow better when the fashion is bad. Welcome to the somehow better portion of our rundown
THE BAD
Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Julia usually knocks it out of the park, but this is just so off. It's a skosh too tight in the bust, CUAN, the lace is matronly, and the (what do we even call them?) pleats down the skirt really cheapen the look. As usual her head is perfect, but jeez-o-man the rest of it is just the pits.
Malin Akerman!
Let's keep going with lace catastrophes, shall we? I cannot help but laugh every time I see this. It's just not good. It's too long, too fussy, the wrong color, the wrong styling, and OH MY GOD that hilarious little tutu! Zop, sorry Malin.
Zendaya!
Girl wut!? Either this is a sundress that she tacked two additional skirts onto or Zendaya is actually a Voltron-like figure made of many Disney Channel actress/singers. I'm actually hoping for the Voltron option so other actress/singers can detach from the bottom and run out onto the red carpet like some bastardized Mother Ginger number.
Lily James!
Fashion-forward Sexy Bride of Frankenstein dress with circa-2013 middle part hair.
America Ferrera!
Credit where it is very much due: America and Eva had the BEST snappy banter of the evening. The joke was great and they sold it. UNLIKE THIS LOOK, which is not great and I don't buy it. I dislike this shape on her - the turtleneck actually makes her look short (which, I mean, she IS but...), the middle slit in the bust makes her boobs look saggy (which they are not), the double waistline makes her look thick (which she is not). Oh America, you deserve better than this dress.
Katy Perry!
I mean we're clearly doing a 60s homage here, but dare I say it comes off as more discount Elvira than Sharon Tate/Sophia Loren. It's too tight in the body, too loose in the cups and straps, and the hair is costumey. Katy, we know you like to play but this just comes off as trying too hard to be sexy. (Hint: you really do not have to try.)
The Rock! (Okay fine, Dwayne Johnson!)
First of all, The Rock's daughter Simone is adorable. Now that that's been said... what in the name of things people can smell you cooking is happening here? I imagine The Rock requires bespoke suits due to his physique. With that in mind, he asked someone to make this. It's not that there's anything inherently wrong with a burgundy velvet smoking jacket, it's just that this amount of velvet cannot go unseen. I'm sorry, The Rock, but it just comes off as comical.
Joanna Froggatt!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no.
Alicia Vikander!
You can't fool me, Vikander! That's a beaded, belted pinafore. You can't just wear an apron on the red carpet!
Melissa McCarthy!
See here's the thing: other than the slit at the bottom, the construction of the dress and how it fits here are really lovely. It's just that the material is SO HORRIBLE that one cannot see past it. The necklace is all wrong and those shoes, while fierce, are freaking hideous. Melissa! We all just want the best for you! I really hope someday to see this dress in a non-trashbag-reminiscent fabric.
Leslie Mann!
What am I even looking at here? Why is so much happening? Bateau collar with billow at the waist, enthusiastic peacock pelvic beading, and a tulle skirt. It's like someone handed her a menu of what this dress could be and she just said, "yes." Great color on her, though.
Taylor Schilling!
Welp, looks like Liza found herself a protege.
Natalie Dormer!
New plan: if you are concerned that your dress may go tits ahoy at some point in the evening, just hike it up with a bedazzled thong.
Amanda Peet!
TOTALLY misinterpreted #beigelipsituation. This is some Jane Eyre wife in the attic realness going on here, right? (Spoiler alert, I GUESS)
(Thanks to Reader Lindsay K for #beigelipsituation)
Emilia Clarke!
Hey guys, remember that time Emilia Clarke came to the Golden Globes dressed as a goth floor lamp? That was fun. She sorta looks as though she's rising up from self-conjured smoke.
You know there are always the most MEH in any red carpet. I know people are trying but sometimes it just doesn't make the mark. These are those people. And there are lots. Buckle up!
THE MEH
Brie Larson!
She seems absolutely lovely, right? Unfortunately this gown looks like it weighs a ton and she did nothing to convince me otherwise. I felt like I watched her melt throughout the night, taken down by the weight of her beads. I'm not personally a fan of the cutout gowns, but it looks like we'll have to live with them for a minute. At least we got rid of the sheer skirt over granny panties trend, right? Right? Guys?
Jennifer Lawrence!
Speaking of cutouts, here's another one. I have to say, I don't hate this dress but I have two quibbles. Quibble #1: How is this dress worn? I was so distracted everytime I saw it trying to figure out how it went on her body that I missed what was actually happening. Quibble #2: It doesn't fit very well. That's why she's really here. A very fashion forward take on the cutout trend but it's a bit too big on her.
Rachel McAdams!
Ugh, girl, stop. Great silhouette for her, but bad colors for her complexion and nonexistent styling. This is making me sad.
Saoirse Ronan!
Let's fix it. The dress is really great (<3 capes <3), but everything is off. Let's see this in a dusky rose or royal purple. The hair is too sleek - let's see something like what Kate Winslet or Jaimie Alexander did with their hair - that is to say put some curl, some height, some wind in it. Bolder lip, brighter eye, bigger ring. Basically change everything and then I'll love it.
Lily Tomlin!
How shocking to see Lily Tomlin in a gown! It's a GREAT gown, too, but she needs a big ass necklace, a different bag, and maybe a leave-in conditioner. And for real, I thought that was a coordinated travel mug in her hand, not a bag. Oh man, though, this dress, right? So fantastic on her.
Amber Heard!
Cool dress, good (not great) styling. It's the neckline that puts this into Meh for me; it's not bad it's just concerning. It looks like the dress is rising up to slowly strangle her.
Bryce Dallas Howard!
Yes, I know, I know, she bought it herself! In Neiman Marcus! She's a size 6! Everything is amazing! Except the actual dress looks like mother of the bride mermaid skin and her hair looks like she's ready for her job interview at a really cool nonprofit. It fits great and she seemed very happy and comfortable all night, but eh, it's just not lighting me up.
Lola Kirke!
Those shoes and that makeup go together with a different dress and hair (the bangs are a lot, so go updo). That makeup and that dress could go together with different hair (omg please). That dress could be okay in emerald green. I mean, so many elements are right, just not together.
Taraji P. Henson!
For real, you guys, I could have watched a whole show of Taraji posing on the red carpet. She was GOING FOR IT and I love that. Also, Cookie brought cookies for everyone when she won and that was hilarious. I think this is just fine, but not awesome. There's no challenge here - it's a column gown with a cape/train and really, anyone could wear that. Taraji needs more gown; she can definitely pull it off. Her entire head is amazing, so no complaints there. CUAN.
Bernadette Peters!
Oh, Bucketmouth. I mean, I love you, you're timeless and gorgeous, and it's not a bad dress but... First of all: it's too tight, secondly: you always wear this look, thirdly: CUAN, fourthly: I cannot believe you sat down in the limo.
Uzo Aduba!
Lady, I love you, but that is not your hairdo. It miiiiiiiiight not be your dress, either, but the sleeves are really cool so we'll leave it alone. The hair is really distracting me and aging you, and I don't want that for us.
Rachel Bloom!
I tried so hard to put this in the Good yesterday and it's so close but her styling is way off and her cleavage looks like it hurts. I love this dress so much. Great cut, great color. The hair isn't working, the makeup is too dark, and I'm looking for a necklace and a cocktail ring.
Viola Davis!
So here's where I'm torn: I love the way the sleeves swing but the netting and the sleeves really make this gown look mature. I'd love to ditch the sheer navy business on her chest and convert these sleeves into a cape attached to the back of the shoulders at each strap, really loose so we still get the lower back on the gown. I would love that. OR, conversely, I would like to see this on someone who LOVES sleeves like Dame Helen or Melissa McCarthy.
Will Smith (seen here with Goddess Jada Pinkett-Smith)!
You cannot stand next to Jada Pinkett-Smith looking like she does when you are wearing a clown's bowtie and a too-big tux. You just look silly and you're dragging her down. Step it up, Will.
Amy Schumer!
It's not offensive, it just looks discount.
David Oyelowo!
He is a black vest away from pulling this off.
Felicity Huffman!
I super duper love her with brown hair and the detailing on the top of the dress is cool, but she does look like she's wearing a decorative wine glass. Excuse me, a decorative wine glass that doesn't actually fit. It probably says something cute like "The only thing better than a glass of wine is a bottle of wine."
Julianne Moore!
I thought this was absolutely phenomenal until I saw that she was being choked to death by some errant crushed velvet. JULIANNE! THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE SLEEVE!
Kate Bosworth!
She looks like a bedazzled poinsettia and it's absolutely putting me to sleep. Zzzzzzzzzz
Angela Bassett!
I so love this color on her and the styling seems right on point, it's just that the fit is SO distracting in the top. Angela, you deserve better!
Jamie Lee Curtis!
I can get on board with this dress if you hem it half an inch higher, ditch the applique flowers, and for the love of all that is right and just, un-billow the sleeves. And I'm pretty much done with asking for darker lips on these people because there is clearly a beige lip situation happening and we are powerless against it.
Oh my dear readers, what a shitshow the Golden Globes were last night. Lucky for us, though, we did end up with a truly great moment of stankface from Jane Fonda (photo provided by Reader Nick)
annnd possibly more importantly.... this guy:
We'll get back to what the hell Jane is wearing later in the week. But for now, we are here to celebrate the fact that though the show itself was a disaster, the fashion definitely was not!
THE GOOD
Queen Latifah!
Why not start with royalty? She looks gorgeous. The color is heaven, the fit is a dream, her hair is rockin, the earrings really work, and it's got a cape/train. We saw so many capes and trains last night (and Taraji's was memorably trampled), it was like all my wishes came true at once!
Sophia Bush!
This is a simple look executed flawlessly. THIS is what I'm talking about when I say Could Use A Necklace (CUAN) - see how just a little bit of ice on the clavicle finishes the look? The dress is simple but expertly fit, the length is right, the bag gives it a tiny bit of edge, the red ring is a fun little bit of color, and I'm going to pretend I didn't see the back of her hair.
Jamie Foxx (seen here with daughter Corinne)!
I have no changes or notes for Jamie - he looked amazing and the different textures in his tux really read on air last night (that's a mark of a good stylist). Also, thanks to him for calling out Quentin Tarantino for being a racist asshat. We will not speak of Corinne's dress.
Kate Winslet!
For some reason our Kate insists on wearing this neckline so I guess we have to just take that for what it is. I don't find it flattering on really anyone, but this is the best iteration of this dress we've seen so I give her kudos. She knows how great she looks in deep blue, and I'm loving the sideswept updo.
Jaimie Alexander!
Congratulations to Jaimie Alexander for being our latest must-watch on the red carpet! Really cool gown, great styling, decent posing. I'm going to say I don't think a necklace would have worked with this dress, but I do wish she had gone bigger with her earrings.
Maura Tierney!
I don't know why, but I was just really taken with how Maura Tierney looked last night. The dress is really nothing special, though it fits her well. The jewelry is unexpected and fun. Maybe it's just that she looks relaxed and lovely.
Aziz Ansari!
I really dug his plaid tux and it fits him well. Thank you, Aziz, for an appropriately-sized bowtie.
Amy Adams!
Personal best for Amy Adams. Keep up the good work (and the red hair).
Gina Rodriguez!
This is just absolutely stunning. She looks like a princess. I maintain my stance that the detailing on the cups looks like nipple tassels that have been pinned under her arms, but even with that this was one of the most jaw dropping looks of the night. I love this girl and I love this look.
Maggie Gyllenhaal!
We grade on a curve here. I would love super duper loved to see this without the flower applique on the shoulder, but the shape and style is so her brand and she's wearing the hell out of it, so I say good job Maggie.
Laverne Cox!
Amazing, gorgeous, slaying it. Cut, color, fit, cape yes. Also, I think she got a new makeup artist because this is far more classic Hollywood makeup than we've seen from her in the past couple of years. Dig it!
Lady Gaga!
Speaking of classic Hollywood-inspired, holy moly! I loved this look from Gaga. Even when she's doing a very classic thing, she puts her Gaga spin on it - Hayworth dress with exaggerated silhouette (highlighted by the pose), Monroe hair but in white and yellow. I agree with some of the rumblings I heard that called for a darker lip, but take a moment away from the lips to appreciate her eyebrows. I am honestly not sure if I would call for a necklace here.
Jenna Dewan-Tatum!
Everything seems to be in order here. Pretty and polished.
Olivia Wilde!
Well this is going to surprise the hell out of you, but I would have ditched the necklace. Other than that, this look is drop dead gorgeous. Gasps and claps all around.
Kirsten Dunst!
As a rule, I try really hard to talk about OUTFITS and CONSTRUCTION and not BODIES here during the fashion rundown. It's very difficult for me to stick to that rule at the moment. What I will say is that this is a fantastic look for Kiki (who once was strictly forbidden from my rundowns for sheer horrible styling) and whatever she is using as support garments should have won an award last night.
Jennifer Lopez!
Killing it from every angle. I died when I saw this. RIP me.
Helen Mirren!
Bow down, you unworthy mortals. Dame Helen is here to show you how it's done. Also maybe to go home with Gerard Butler? They were a delightful pair last night.
Emmy Rossum!
True facts: I don't really like her and I don't know why. However, this look is dynamite. This was my favorite necklace of the night and, like Sophia Bush, perfectly illustrates my wishes for this world. The only word against the look is she needs to hork up the dress a skosh so she does't go tits ahoy when someone steps on it.
Jada Pinkett-Smith!
Goddess! For me, this was the best look of the night. I don't think it was necessarily the best dress but it's all happening here - she's wearing the hell out of it, her head looks phenomenal, she's working that ring, and even the dye-to-match shoes aren't, you know, the worst thing that ever happened. Jada! You are a goddess and we owe you much devotion!
