Pearl clutchers, get your pearls. It's gonna get see through. THE WTF Anna Wintour!
What. The. Eff. I mean, there's flower power and then there's wearing swimmies made out of roses poppies. Probably not the world's most effective flotation devices. (Thanks Reader Steph for eagle eying the poppies. I know nothing about flowers because I hate nature.) Diane Kruger (seen here with Pacey)!
I love Pacey's face so much. You can just hear him thinking, "Oh my god. I thought she was joking when she said she was going to wear sheer pants and the bathmat and an old scarf. I thought she was joking." Kim Kardashian (seen here with Kanye West)!
Butt wait! There's more!
White tattoo etchings that fade into feathers. I appreciate that it's backless, because otherwise it would be so demure with just that butt cutout. ALSO can we talk about how Kanye said NO to a shirt and YES to a fringed velvet scarf? Beyonce (seen here with Jay-Z)!
Yes, yes, it's basically the same dress from Coming to America...butt wait! There's more!
Also hilariously has a large keyhole cutout in back. This is part two in our installation of "Three of America's Most Famous Women Went with the Same Concept." This is also part a million in my personal series "Jay-Z Makes The Best Faces." I wish Beyonce's hair was something a little darker because the champagne dress with honey hair really washes her out. Jennifer Lopez!
Butt wait! There's more!
Part three in the series. This dress is merely one-shouldered with a low back. But it does have a cutout, exactly on the assets which, let's be real, is something I've never seen before and she's killing it. I want to be quite clear with you, my dear readers. I have a problem with these illusion dresses. It's not that they are revealing or "trashy" (as I've heard a lot from many people). It's that all three of these women went in this direction which made all three of them seem pedestrian and ho hum. It's one very large reason why Rihanna caused such a stir: this year at the Met Ball it was shocking and innovative to cover up. Let's all file this lesson away in our fashion journals: a provocative gown will fizzle if another woman is wearing something just like it.
I trust everyone had plenty of time to rest up from the Good and the Meh, yes? Here we go! The Bad Madonna!
OH MY GOD HEY YOU GUYS DID YOU KNOW MADONNA JUST PUT OUT AN ALBUM CALLED REBEL HEART!?!?!? OH HEY WAIT IT SAYS IT ON HER DRESS!!!! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!!!!!!! To Madonna, the theme of the Met Ball is always MADONNA. Elizabeth Banks!
What are you doing. What- what- what are you doing. Emily Blunt!
Ooh girl this is not your silhouette. It's terribly stiff looking, too, which I guess happens when you make a dress out of wallpaper. Olivia Wilde!
More wallpaper, this time with bedazzled gloves. Ugh. Miley Cyrus!
Nope, no, uh-uh. You cannot be psychotically demure and show your hip bones. Cara Delevigne!
I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it. Tory Burch!
Laura Ashley had sex with bed curtains from Colonial Williamsburg and they came all over Tory Burch. Jennifer Lawrence!
Plain and simple, that is a hideous dress and ballet class hair. Kerry Washington!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no. Amanda Seyfried (seen here with Justin Long)!
Her dress is an elegant but molting swan, those are some prom shoes, and her lipstick is straight up 1994 "Doll Parts" video. It's not the worst of the bunch but it's far from good. Zoe Kravitz!
This is the fanciest swimsuit coverup I have ever seen! Then again, Mom went the opposite route... Lisa Bonet (seen here with WTS hero, Lenny Kravitz)!
While Lenny is there looking effortlessly cool (though, frankly, underdressed) in his understated pinstripe suit and heeled boots, Lisa is a ruffled bonnet away from starring in a remake of Jane Eyre where Jane is drop dead gorgeous and the wife in the attic is actually a very large scarf. Sienna Miller!
What on earth am I looking at!? Toreador + flapper + some tassels stolen from Selena Gomez's armpits = MET BALL. Jennifer Connelly!
She looks like she's standing behind a plywood cutout of a dress, just sticking her head where it should be. Chloe Sevigny!
My dear readers, you can only imagine how happy I was when I saw The Sev in the photos from the Met Ball! ESPECIALLY when I saw that her outfit seemed like she was halfway through some sort of sensual slipping off of said outfit. She's wearing a melting dress complete with diamond Bracelets of Submission and a mid-90s choker. On a scale of one to Patton, this is a major Patton. And I absolutely love her for it.
You guys, my name is Meg so I almost always type "Meg" instead of "Meh." I just wanted to share that with you. The Meg Meh Allison Williams!
This was definitely the year when a lot of dresses looked better from the back. This one is kind of exciting from the back, though that sudden shift at the knees made me nervous so I found a pic from the front and...
... yeah, it definitely looks like she is wearing this dress inside out. Jessica Chastain!
Absolutely perfect and completely boring. Kate Hudson!
Beautiful and the silhouette evokes the theme but, again, boring. You know what's NOT boring!? The lady in the lace Charlie Brown shirt in the background. Thank you oh so much to Reader Kate for spotting that thing of wonder. Lace Charlie Brown Shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cher (seen here with Marc Jacobs)!
What fresh hell is this? Why is Cher wearing her "everyday" hair and a dress inspired by holographic coffee stains? Why is Marc Jacobs wearing a standard tux with standard shiny shoes? The only interesting thing about this is that perhaps Marc is carrying the makeup Cher forgot to apply in his little leather case? This is me:
Keri Russell!
There's feathering your nest and then there is wearing feathers over your uterus. I mean, come on. Those shoes though... wow! Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union!
Okay, deep breath. First of all, I love that Dwyane Wade came dressed as the Archduke of Miami. It's an absolutely gorgeous look ruined by the hem on his pants, those shoes, and the absence of socks. I know that No Socks is quite the thing with the menfolk, but in my opinion you need to have a beautifully hemmed pant to make that work. And not those shoes. As for Gabrielle, perfect color, gorgeous dress, love her makeup. BUT. The hair seems off and the dress doesn't exactly fit her well. Also: long sleeves in May? Perhaps it it's cold in here. There must be some Clovers in the atmosphere. Selena Gomez!
This is another one that looks better from the side/back.
From the front it looks like a window treatment over a strapless bra. It fits well and her head is flawless, but she's got tassels coming off her armpits. Selena, listen to me: you look gorgeous in white. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Lady Gaga!
Lady Gaga is your scariest ballet teacher. Katie Holmes (seen here with Zac Posen)!
Stiff, stiff, stiff, and boring. All of it. Amal Clooney (seen here with some dude)!
It's pretty but the tiers appear overworked and somewhat snakelike, if the snake had some sort of ruffle-attack. Her date looks great, though! Who IS that guy? Olivia Munn!
This is mostly fabulous, honestly, I just don't like the sleeves being split all the way down. I think it looks awkward. I hope to god she didn't have to try to eat soup with those things on. Carey Mulligan!
In terms of garment bags, it's a very fancy garment bag. In terms of motocycle hair, it's very upscale motorcycle hair. In terms of the Met Ball, it's a very nice outfit for the Golden Globes. The Olsens!
You guys, their looks are so boring and unremarkable this year that I actually asked two people if they had skipped the event. I am forever confused about which is which, so I'm not even going to try. Right Twin's fussy dress is at odds with the yoga hair whereas I am in love with Left Twin's approach of "Screw it, I'm just going to wear this giant coat. I'm not even going to shower." Love you, Left Twin. Karolina Kurkova!
Oh dear. Karolina is usually one of my favorites at the Met Ball, but this just smacks of one of those racist Sexy Geisha costumes we see in the Halloween roundup. It's beautiful and fits her like a dream but still - a major letdown. Solange!
Okay, so the first time I saw this, I thought perhaps she was lifting up a tier of her dress so the photogs could get a good look at how she was celebrating Star Wars Day.
Unfortunately, no. She is actually wearing the Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey Commemorative Plate as a dress. Julianne Moore!
Also celebrating Star Wars Day, Julianne Moore came as Black Tie Lord Vader... Anne Hathaway!
.,.. And Annie apparently reached out to Ralph Lauren for help as he was her only hope. Buns not included.
My dear readers, last night was fashion's high holiday: The Met Ball/Gala/Whatever It's Called This Time Around. The name of the game here is high drama, theatrical couture either in step with the theme or so completely amazing it defies the theme and becomes its own moment. This year's theme was China: Through the Looking Glass and I am here to tell you that no one came in anything remotely close to Eastern Alice in Wonderland and I am DISAPPOINTED. Not one Cheshire Cat to be seen. Let's get into it, yes?
THE GOOD
Zendaya!
Let's start here in case we have some newbies joining us. Objectively, this is not something that should go in the Good pile. BUT this is Met Ball. She looks fabulous and outrageous and demands attention. I have no idea who this girl is but she is killing it. Helen Mirren!
Speaking of killing it, YOWZA. This is the other end of the killing it spectrum - whereas Zendaya (also seen in the background of this photo) is demanding attention with an over-the-top ensemble, Dame Helen knows your attention will be on her as every single thing about her ensemble is exactly perfect and on point. We saw a lot of red and gold on the carpet, but none so elegant as this. Well, almost none... Fan Bingbing!
I say almost none because Fan Bingbing exists and is the perfect embodiment of elegance. Bow down, peasants. Justin Bieber!
Don't pretend he doesn't look fabulous. Taraji P. Henson!
Okay, sure she Could Use A Necklace and you might say that this is tame for the Met Ball. And normally I would agree with you! But! Think about what an impact Cookie Lyon has had on pop culture this year and how different this simple, elegant, polished look is from the over-the-top glam of Cookie and observe a very careful approach to self-marketing by Taraji Henson. It doesn't hurt that she's absolutely stunning. Karen Elson!
This may be a little standard and on the nose but I am slayed. RIP me. Love this. Hannah Bagshawe (seen with real live human Muppet)!
She is playing her part as Unwitting Red Carpet Darling to the hilt. She's 50% Normal Person Hair and Makeup and 50% fantastic Valentino that hints at the theme without banging you over the head. Go girl! Katy Perry (with Jeremy Scott)!
Love it. It's completely appropriate for the event and completely appropriate for Katy Perry. I wish she wouldn't always go so costumey with the accessories, but I have come to accept that as her way. Also, I'm totally into this matchy matchy thing she's been doing with her dudes lately - it's super fun and totally works with her brand and image. Uma Thurman!
This is your periodic reminder that Uma Thurman is not mortal. Janelle Monae!
Dramatic, alluring, and perfect. It's like she took her standard look and applied the Met Ball filter to it. I live for her red carpet looks. Lizzy Caplan!
Unexpectedly stunning. Old Hollywood glamour. Michael B. Jordan!
I chose this shot over the full body so you could get a better look at this suit. This is exactly what men should be striving for at Met Ball - it's thematically appropriate and fashion forward without veering into Marc-Jacobs-in-his-pajamas territory. Gorgeous fit, expertly worn. This kid is light years ahead of most of the other men who walked the red carpet last night. Sarah Jessica Parker!
The grand duchess of the Met Ball always plays it exactly on the line. The dress is gorgeous and on point and the Philip Treacy headdress is extraordinary. and finally, the big winner of the night.... Rihanna!
What did we say the Met Ball was about? High drama....
...Theatrical....
...Couture. Maybe she reminds you of Big Bird, or Belle from Beauty and the Beast, or an omelette, or pizza, or a condom or whatever else... you cannot deny that she BROUGHT IT. Well done, RiRi. That is EXACTLY what we're looking for out of the Met Ball.
