Oscars 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Meh!

First of all, I have to confess: I forgot someone yesterday on The Good.

Kevin Spacey!

Sorry about that, Kev. You look great. I love a navy tux.

THE MEH

Jessica Biel!

Let us begin the parade of boring. I appreciate the fact that Biel appears to have not come directly from the gym this time and I definitely appreciate the necklace, but lord could this be more boring!? Ugh.

Leonardo DiCaprio!

As a friend and dear reader said the other night, Leo's got a serious case of baby old face. But the real issue here is that the suit is alllllmost good. The sleeves are a little long but somehow it's a tiny bit snug in the midsection. Also, is it me or does that bowtie seems a skosh too small?

Portia de Rossi!

Fancy lattice fencing: now in gown form! I truly, firmly believe this gown would be an absolute stunner in emerald. Alas, more beige.

 Jenna Dewan-Tatum (seen here with Channing Tatum because why not)!

Unholy combination of Snuffleupagus skirt and figure skating bodice. I almost never like this kind of skirt, but again, I might have been more enthused if it wasn't half a shade lighter than her skin. Love the styling, though, Jenna. Looking good, Magic Mike, even if the front of your hair is the only part of the two of you caught in the wind.

Emma Watson!

I'll give her this: it isn't beige. Unfortunately it ages her in a way that prom dresses from Hot Topic never should. Love the front of her hair, HATE the back. Great makeup.

Kristen Bell!

I love this (yes, even though it's that color) from her head to about her hips. And then it all goes to pot. Because what is an evening gown without some vagina detail on the skirt? I'd love a different lip color. I'd also love to know more details about the burrito she claimed to have in her purse because that is the smallest burrito I've ever seen. Kristen, girl, you deserve a better burrito.

Adele Dazeem!

Oh, Adele. This is the kind of necklace I want to see with a strapless gown! Check that ice! But the everyday hair and makeup don't really turn me on, nor does the detail on the bust. Idina Menzel's boobs: to infinity [sign] and beyond!

Jared Leto!

While I was hoping that Jordan Catalano would do a very fancy updo for the big night, I actually have no problem with the flowing locks. And the tux fits nicely... but... I couldn't help but think that this reminded me of something. Luckily reader Bon spotted it...

Nailed it.

Viola Davis (seen here with Julius Tennon)!

Guys,  I want to love this so much but I just don't. I love the color. I love her head. I love the cuff. I love the design of the bust. But it just is not flattering at all. That's the bottom line.

Meryl Streep!

So close. Love the top, like the skirt, HATE HATE HATE the belt and bracelets with the fire of a thousand suns. I would suggest a slight redesign on the skirt to bring it around in a lovely sash-type jobby around the waist where that hideous jeweled belt is, and then it's sweeping and romantic and not at all Edie Brickell and the Sadly Accessorized Bohemians.

Brad and Angelina!

Brad's jacket looks too big and it doesn't really help his Hippest Dad on the Playground hair. Angelina, I can only imagine, is paying homage to The Wizard of Oz with her dress which (forgive me) is melting! mmmmmeeeelllllltttttttting! Worse than that, perhaps, is that this is actually a beautiful dress that ages her in an unfortunate way. Even though we already agree that Liza was perfection, wouldn't you have loved to see this on her?

Naomi Watts!

I mean, I love the clutch and I would really like to see these shoes with Jen Garner's dress. Other than that? SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOZEFEST.

Charlize Theron!

 This is quite possibly the closest call in all WTS history. Let's be real: this is straight DRAMA and she is owning it. She looks gorgeous, I love that sheer train, and oh my god her hair is just perfect. But she's in the Meh, right? Because the cut on the bust makes it look like it doesn't fit and I hate those sheer sheer sheer straps. Also, a dear reader commented that the bust looked like wine bottles and now I can't unsee it. I'm sorry, Charlize. So very close.