Oscars 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Bad

Let me address the elephant in the blog: we're not doing Kim Novak. I was dismayed and, frankly, somewhat frightened when I saw her on the telecast and I was going to make some comments but I've been thinking about it quite a bit in the past couple of days...and I just can't. It all comes down to the impossible standards of beauty for women, especially women who are famous for, well, looking like Kim Novak in Vertigo and the absolute lack of permission to age. So there you go: no Kim Novak on WTS. But we can talk about how Matthew McConaughey was weirdly rubbing her back through their whole presentation, right? Matthew! Mind your hands, young man.

THE BAD

Goldie Hawn!

Oh but I definitely WILL talk about Goldie Hawn in her sexy nightgown. Goldie nooooo. You look like your arms are wearing bunting from the Moulin Rouge. Your hair looks like you stole it off your daughter (in a bad way). And everything - absolutely everything- is one color! I truly love you, Goldie, and I want so much more for you.

Will Smith (seen here with Jada Pinkett Smith)!

I see what you were going for here, Will, but boy oh boy did you not pull it off. Tick tick tick tick EW. Jada, on the other hand, looks better than she's looked in ages, even with that hideous neckline. Look at your wife. Now look back at yourself. Promise me you'll never put a scarf inside your shirt again. Then again, maybe Megs just don't understand.

Anna Hathaway!

It's a touch too tight, it's not a flattering cut on her, and the bag is ALL sorts of wrong. Worst of all, perhaps, is Anne's homage to Epcot Center by way of torso. Look, Annie: I love Epcot as much as anyone and agree that it is the far superior Disney theme park (space! the future! hydroponic plants! booze! Soarin! cheddar cheese soup in the Canada pavilion!) but this is too much. I can only imagine what happened to the audience's eyes once the lights hit your boobs. Lord, girl, give us a break.

 Julia Roberts!

Oh girl, oh no. No no no. I'm so sorry for your loss, Tablecloth Dowager.

Anna Kendrick!

I have nothing nice to say about this, so.... let me enumerate everything that is wrong. 1) The confusing bustline. Is it a one shoulder? Is it a crew neck? Oh! It's both! 2) The earrings that I hope to never have to look at again. 3) The confusing kitchen backsplash across her torso. 4) The tango skirt from hell. Seriously, you guys, this would have been rejected as a costume in Strictly Ballroom for being "too much." On a scale of 1 to Patton, this is a solid 9.

   
Kerry Washington!

Her head looks amazing! I am really not into the matching bracelets and I think the shoes might be wrong. Perhaps you have spotted the real problem with this look, which is the fact that this is not a dress. No. It is a sheet with the world's prettiest clothespin holding it up. A SHEET.

Cate Blanchett!

This was without a doubt the most disappointing look of the night. I feel I can count on Cate to always bring it and do something a little more interesting than the rest. Alas, here she is my dear readers: Cate Blanchett, the world's most beautiful valet key case. At the end of the night, Cate will help you find your car. Tips accepted.

(hat tip to reader Rosey who came up with that joke at virtually the same moment I did)